only silence

There comes this point, where the only thing left is the silence. But this silence is just filled with things I'm dying to say.

There's the same tension from him, his silence echoing back my lack of resolve.
 I hold myself silent, unwilling to upset what little balance is left

But inside...


I don't know how any of this happened. I keep looking back and I just can't retrace my foot steps as to how I got to this place. It's as if the lights have all turned off and I just can't see anymore.
Mad at me... so simple... but I don't understand.

There's this point where you stop thinking straight and just start looking for reasons everywhere. Did I say this wrong? Did they not like it when I did that? It eats you up and then spits you out.

Into the belly of the beast and out the demons ass...

The worst part is, no one else can explain it to me. Worse than that, no one will.
There's no "X + Y = Z". There's no simplicity left to it... and it makes me shake with surpressed tears.
This is how she felt.
That's all I can think. She felt exactly like this, and didn't understand... couldn't see what she'd done wrong... couldn't see anything.

I just can't deal with being frozen out like this. The person who is my other half, the one who I share everything with, the one I've never fallen out with because there's nothing to ever fall out about... has fallen out with me and wont say why.
I'm left here with a bundle of questions, and some oddly bound duty to hold them inside.
Not to devolve into tears and the plea of "What have I done?"
Not to turn the pain into anger and rage against it.
To stand, and wait, and hope. Hope that it's all just temporary. All just a false alarm.

So why does this alarm ring in my head - the warning of an end?

Fear is gripping me, that's why I lay here in bed and shake.
Why is it so scary?
Maybe because (as you can tell) I'm unravelling at the seems without my friend. Because it hurts more than words can say to think I've hurt the one person who is more me than I'll ever be. Because, without him, there doesn't seem to be anything else.

It sounds like melladramatics. It probably is. So why can I not force it away into it's little rational box? Why can I not stay calm, and think straight, and be human?
I have never been able to imagine a future without my best friend, and now I'm being shown this image of a life torn from him. A life left void without the colour and light that has always followed him.

I sound like a love sick puppy. Embarrassing, indecent, uncomfortable... but I don't care if that's what it sounds like. These feelings wont be contained anymore.
I can't sit and smile and make conversation and act like I'm okay.
I can't pretend I'm not obsessed with the thought that the only person who knows who I really am might hate me. Because, if they do, that must mean I'm not a good person. That must mean that the good person is the fake one, and the real one is...


The silence is only ever a mask. A mask over a tumble of thoughts and emotions too complex, or confidential, to explain.
They talk of a comfortable silence - but that's only when none of the thoughts or emotions NEED to be explained. When they're just implicit.

This silence stretches on in a vigil through the night, keeping me awake by thundering in my ears.