I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
It's really that simple.
You may be wondering why. If so I have this to say:
Walk a mile in my shoes.
Then do it with the friends around you that surround me.
You'll understand.
Life is this big squishy ball of horridness. Everyone who has been on this earth long enough knows that. It's a hard lesson for some, but it's one we all eventually learn.
Life is often poop.
But there's this strange phenomenon with life - in that the poop breeds diamonds and hearts of gold. There are these amazing people who stand against the tide of hate and pain.
People like Geraldine - who puts up with things that you would never imagine, and yet she never complains about them and is always this beacon of hope and happiness. She doesn't do it in any particularly 'standing out' way, it's just this gentle comforting presence that she presents. I'm so grateful that she's my house mate.
People like Libor - who there really aren't enough words to praise. He's always there, for everyone, and he never lets any of the strain show to the world. He's not just my best friend, he's my role model, my guardian angel, my knight in shining armour and sincerely the most amazing person I've ever met. How I'll ever cope with out having him always by me after this year I don't know.
People like Kaydie - who will storm with you, test you, reflect the worst you there is; but forgive you for it and love you anyway. We may not be good to each other, but she's one of the biggest parts of my life and one of the biggest parts of my heart too. For everything I've ever done or said to hurt her - there aren't enough ways to say sorry. For everything she's ever put up with, done for me, and stayed with me through I'm so grateful and I love her for.
People like DJ - who fucks the rest of your life up at times, but manages somehow to make everything okay with something that isn't even supposed to be funny but makes you laugh away all the problems. He's cared for me through the third worst time in my life, and let me vent my anger against the whole world on him. I tell him to go away, and he stays anyway out of the knowledge that I do actually need him in some inexplicable way, and continues to provide me with love and support no matter what I do or say.
People like Helen - who is so strong and sensible, who exerts her will in a way that makes me both admire her and be proud of her. She not only puts up with my insanity, she encourages me, and provokes me when I need it, kicks me up the arse and sends me to bed when I'm up too late. She is always ready with a quip, joke, or kind word; no matter the situation she makes me feel better just by being her. I admire her so much for both her commitment and her ability to completely disregard her own obsession (especially for her friends). She never sees how amazing she is, or how great a friend she is, but I'm so lucky to have found a friend like her, who I understand and who understands me without needing explanation. I wouldn't have made it through this past month without her, and I certainly wouldn't have had such an awesome time if she hadn't been there laughing along with me. For the laughs, the hugs, the insanity and the strength she shares so generously with me I am, and always will be, unspeakably grateful.
People like Jodie - who are brave and active and always there, no matter what. She cares more about you and how you're feeling than about herself - even when she's just come out of surgery!! It has been so easy to become close to her because of how much we have in common and how much I wish I were more like her. She's so beautiful, both on the outside and the inside, and I think of her as a little sister I never asked for but was blessed with anyway.
The last month or two have been the road to hell. I've been blind, stupid, hateful and just plain horrid. Welcome to the road to recovery.
This was going to be a blog all about how you don't need to have a boyfriend/girlfriend when you have someone so special in your life already... but I'm even luckier than people who have that - because I have so many special people in my life. The people above are the people who are closest to me at the moment - but there are so many who are almost as close. Abby and Erik who were there for me all through first year, who I've drifted from lately (which I'm sorry for), my friends back home - TJ, Sasha, Stephanie, Kayleigh, Dave, Kiran, Beth, Lucy, Sarah, even Liam, Arron and Luke - who I don't see very often at all anymore, but who are still so much a part of my heart, so much a part of who I am; my friends that I'm just really starting to make - Dan, Russel, Vanessa, Stan, Indre, Sonam, even Charlotte, Chris, Dave... - who probably don't realise just how much they already mean to me. Then there's Lisa and Ellie... so many people to make this life so wonderful!
It's like they push the poop out (okay, didn't mean for it to sound that much like the end of a digestive system...) and just leave the shiny golden diamond encrusted world.
Is it any wonder I live for my friends?
They're what make this life worth living, they're what makes up my entire world - I'd do anything for them.
My love, by any other word, would be as strong.
I know I don't have a boyfriend or a girlfriend... but if you went by a more innocent (less sexual) definition, then I would have both. Several times over.
These people, these wonderful people, who have somehow managed to stumble into my life, have my heart. I love them so entirely, that it's hard to imagine life without them (either before or after this moment). It feels like some of them have been with me always.
I hope none of them ever try to change who they are - because, to me, they are perfect. The only thing I would change about any of them (if I could) would be to make them happy.
So, my mission in life will forever be to make those special people happy.
May you always be happy with the special people in your life.
Blessed be xx
Saturday 27 November 2010
Friday 26 November 2010
Rage, rage against the dying of the light
There's a word that I've been contemplating, and if you're up to date with my blog you'll understand why.
"Best friend"
What is a best friend?
What does it mean to be one?
Why do we have them?
What makes one friend better than another?
The questions are flying round my head like you wouldn't believe.
Now, being an English Literature student and loving the etymology of words, I break it down into its components:
"best" and "friend"
Best means to excel the most, to be better than all others.
Friend... friend is more tricky. I had a boyfriend once who classed everyone they knew as a 'friend' and the people they were really close to as 'mates'... I was the opposite. So what is a friend?
Well, this is the definition I've come up with. What I mean when I say friend:
A friend is a person who you enjoy spending time with, who knows you to a larger degree than a person who has only just met you, who you help when they need you, who is there for you when you need them. Someone to spend your time with and enjoy talking to, and who you trust.
Ergo a best friend must be:
A person you enjoy spending all your time with, or whom you enjoy spending time with above anyone else. A person who knows you more than any other. A person who you always help, and always want to help, no matter how big or small the problem. A person who is always there for you, even when you don't know that you need them. Someone to spend all your time with and who you enjoy talking to on any and all levels. Someone you trust with your life and who trusts you, in return, with theirs.
That would seem succinct enough - yes?
So why are the questions still there?
Why do I continue to analyse and question this definition?
Is there something I left out? I'm not sure. Love maybe?
See, the reason that I'm questioning this is because I'm trying to pigeon hole my friendships. Trying to re-clarify and re-classify them according to this model. And, okay - yes - there is a certain friend who I'm trying to work out if the term was applied to without credit.
Has anyone ever said to you "You're supposed to be my friend!"? How justified do you think they were when they said that?
See, the question I'm really getting at is not 'were they justified in saying that you weren't acting like a friend at the time?', but 'does the term 'friend' come with a level of attachment that must always be upheld?'
For instance, can a friendship be broken temporarily... or is it something we are committed to from the instant of forming it until it is completely broken? Also, are we committed to satisfying our own definition of 'friendship' or must we be committed to satisfying theirs?
This is such a hard question for me at the moment, because I am definitely the sort of person who says "this is me, take me as I am or don't bother." but at the same time I feel the need to satisfy everyone. That's where all my problems come from I suppose.
Dad put it nicely once and said that I just had "too big a heart"... but really it comes from the need to be appreciated and liked, I think. So in actual fact it comes from being selfish. Wow, confusing.
But look at it this way: Making people happy makes you happy.Therefore, going out of your way to make someone happy will make you happy. Therefore, going out of your way to make someone happy is going out of your way to make yourself happy.
If the premise is correct, the conclusion must also logically be correct.
I don't know if my premise is correct though....
Going back to the previous phrase of "you're supposed to be my friend" : can it be said that fulfilling ones side of the friendship is reliant on their satisfying the other? For instance, many a time when I've either heard, said, or over-heard those words - the rebuttal has been along the lines of "you started it" or "so are you"... implying that the person doing the blaming has started - or at least partaken in - the breaking of the silent, invisible promise of friendship.
There seem to be so many expectations bound up in friendship... and some people who I class as friends hardly ever fulfill those expectations... so does that mean they're not really friends??
If I don't fulfill them for people who class me as a friend... am I not their friend?
What if I don't know that there's something lacking?
See, this is why I never used to have friends. I had acquaintances. People I knew and talked to... but no commitment.
Commitment is something that scares me. Something I've fallen into many many times. Something that makes me so terrified that I wont live up to expectations; that I'll let that person down, or hurt them...
I don't think I make a very good friend if I'm honest.
I try! I do! But I'm very good at getting it wrong.
My flatmate Helen keeps calling me an angel...
it's sweet, and lovely... but it makes me cringe because I know how untrue it is... and I'm dreading the day she works it out too.
Part of me hopes, dreams, wishes that she's right. That I am a nice person.
But she's so easy to be friends with that I know it's wrong to base my perspective of friendship abilities on her responses to it.
After all, my other flatmate, Kaydie, has shown me (irrevocably) to be the evilest creature that walks the earth...
which helps keep it in perspective!
Kaydie.
I guess through all of this I'm trying to work out what went wrong.
I mean, I know what went wrong. Difference of opinion mixed with mistaken perspectives... mixed with a boy... it was bound to go completely wrong. Part of me whispers that I knew that from the start.
But really, what went wrong so that our friendship blew apart so quickly and easily?
Lack of communication maybe...
But my only real opinion has, unfortunately, been that we can't have been close friends to start with. I want to say maybe we were too close? But I look at my own personal definition of 'best friend' and use it as a tick list... and I can't tick much off. Was I that bad a friend to her? Wow.
I feel very defeated by the entire situation.
I read a comment on one of my blogs (i know! me, get a comment - wow!) that basically said I wasn't seeing Kaydie's perspective, and that if I didn't want to start a fight I wouldn't post things in my blog. (If I'm honest, I 'knew' at the time of those blogs that she hadn't and to my knowledge wouldn't read them... though in hind sight I should have realised that would change)
So, maybe I am really as blind as I've been accused of.
Time will tell.
For now, it's time to embrace hope again and stop thinking about what a friend is and try to be one instead.
It's time to face the world and try to just be me, and hope that that's good enough.
Best wishes and love to you.
Blessed Be xx
"Best friend"
What is a best friend?
What does it mean to be one?
Why do we have them?
What makes one friend better than another?
The questions are flying round my head like you wouldn't believe.
Now, being an English Literature student and loving the etymology of words, I break it down into its components:
"best" and "friend"
Best means to excel the most, to be better than all others.
Friend... friend is more tricky. I had a boyfriend once who classed everyone they knew as a 'friend' and the people they were really close to as 'mates'... I was the opposite. So what is a friend?
Well, this is the definition I've come up with. What I mean when I say friend:
A friend is a person who you enjoy spending time with, who knows you to a larger degree than a person who has only just met you, who you help when they need you, who is there for you when you need them. Someone to spend your time with and enjoy talking to, and who you trust.
Ergo a best friend must be:
A person you enjoy spending all your time with, or whom you enjoy spending time with above anyone else. A person who knows you more than any other. A person who you always help, and always want to help, no matter how big or small the problem. A person who is always there for you, even when you don't know that you need them. Someone to spend all your time with and who you enjoy talking to on any and all levels. Someone you trust with your life and who trusts you, in return, with theirs.
That would seem succinct enough - yes?
So why are the questions still there?
Why do I continue to analyse and question this definition?
Is there something I left out? I'm not sure. Love maybe?
See, the reason that I'm questioning this is because I'm trying to pigeon hole my friendships. Trying to re-clarify and re-classify them according to this model. And, okay - yes - there is a certain friend who I'm trying to work out if the term was applied to without credit.
Has anyone ever said to you "You're supposed to be my friend!"? How justified do you think they were when they said that?
See, the question I'm really getting at is not 'were they justified in saying that you weren't acting like a friend at the time?', but 'does the term 'friend' come with a level of attachment that must always be upheld?'
For instance, can a friendship be broken temporarily... or is it something we are committed to from the instant of forming it until it is completely broken? Also, are we committed to satisfying our own definition of 'friendship' or must we be committed to satisfying theirs?
This is such a hard question for me at the moment, because I am definitely the sort of person who says "this is me, take me as I am or don't bother." but at the same time I feel the need to satisfy everyone. That's where all my problems come from I suppose.
Dad put it nicely once and said that I just had "too big a heart"... but really it comes from the need to be appreciated and liked, I think. So in actual fact it comes from being selfish. Wow, confusing.
But look at it this way: Making people happy makes you happy.Therefore, going out of your way to make someone happy will make you happy. Therefore, going out of your way to make someone happy is going out of your way to make yourself happy.
If the premise is correct, the conclusion must also logically be correct.
I don't know if my premise is correct though....
Going back to the previous phrase of "you're supposed to be my friend" : can it be said that fulfilling ones side of the friendship is reliant on their satisfying the other? For instance, many a time when I've either heard, said, or over-heard those words - the rebuttal has been along the lines of "you started it" or "so are you"... implying that the person doing the blaming has started - or at least partaken in - the breaking of the silent, invisible promise of friendship.
There seem to be so many expectations bound up in friendship... and some people who I class as friends hardly ever fulfill those expectations... so does that mean they're not really friends??
If I don't fulfill them for people who class me as a friend... am I not their friend?
What if I don't know that there's something lacking?
See, this is why I never used to have friends. I had acquaintances. People I knew and talked to... but no commitment.
Commitment is something that scares me. Something I've fallen into many many times. Something that makes me so terrified that I wont live up to expectations; that I'll let that person down, or hurt them...
I don't think I make a very good friend if I'm honest.
I try! I do! But I'm very good at getting it wrong.
My flatmate Helen keeps calling me an angel...
it's sweet, and lovely... but it makes me cringe because I know how untrue it is... and I'm dreading the day she works it out too.
Part of me hopes, dreams, wishes that she's right. That I am a nice person.
But she's so easy to be friends with that I know it's wrong to base my perspective of friendship abilities on her responses to it.
After all, my other flatmate, Kaydie, has shown me (irrevocably) to be the evilest creature that walks the earth...
which helps keep it in perspective!
Kaydie.
I guess through all of this I'm trying to work out what went wrong.
I mean, I know what went wrong. Difference of opinion mixed with mistaken perspectives... mixed with a boy... it was bound to go completely wrong. Part of me whispers that I knew that from the start.
But really, what went wrong so that our friendship blew apart so quickly and easily?
Lack of communication maybe...
But my only real opinion has, unfortunately, been that we can't have been close friends to start with. I want to say maybe we were too close? But I look at my own personal definition of 'best friend' and use it as a tick list... and I can't tick much off. Was I that bad a friend to her? Wow.
I feel very defeated by the entire situation.
I read a comment on one of my blogs (i know! me, get a comment - wow!) that basically said I wasn't seeing Kaydie's perspective, and that if I didn't want to start a fight I wouldn't post things in my blog. (If I'm honest, I 'knew' at the time of those blogs that she hadn't and to my knowledge wouldn't read them... though in hind sight I should have realised that would change)
So, maybe I am really as blind as I've been accused of.
Time will tell.
For now, it's time to embrace hope again and stop thinking about what a friend is and try to be one instead.
It's time to face the world and try to just be me, and hope that that's good enough.
Best wishes and love to you.
Blessed Be xx
Thursday 25 November 2010
Peace, at last
As I walked home, I felt this shift. It was like the world changed under my feet.
I don't know how, but I just let go. Let go of the hurt, the pain, the anger... it all just floated away. I know it's still right there and I'll have to be careful not to reach out and take them again... but to not clutch them to you is such a relief.
I feel like I floated home in some kind of Nirvana.
(no, not the band)
I realised as I walked that not having my phone, not being contactable, made me feel really alone for once in my life. It was this great, freeing feeling. There was no one who could call me and ask where I was, no one who could follow me if I decided not to go home, no one who would know I was avoiding them because I turned my phone off.... just free to do as I pleased.
And so I went home.
That's where I feared most to go. That's where it was waiting - all the hurt and the anger, all the pain. So I went there to face my fear.
And none of it was there to greet me.
It feels amazing to have made the right choice for once.
Now I'm going to do the second scariest thing and check the comments on my last post. I was warned before I came back that they were bad. Let's hope I can keep from clutching those hurtful things back and stay in this calm, peaceful place I've made.
............*reads comment*.........
Oddly, I'm still calm.
For the sake of it I may post a comment back... but that's for there, not here.
The only reaction I actually had to it initially was 'lol - double post...'
I think that all of the things that have been said are such old things now that they just don't affect me anymore. To be fair, the only thing that upset me in this whole affair was that other people were getting involved - and getting hurt.
I suppose it annoyed me that Kaydie got the wrong end of the stick and bit it again... but hey, I'm kinda used to that.
Now, however, I'm going to float off for a bit and try not to be too spaced out. I have a feeling it's caused by this lack of sleep thing. But I did get a 10 min nap at Li's before we went to the hospital, so I'll be fine for a while ^_^
I suppose I want to say sorry.
Sorry to the universe for saying it fucked me in the ass... because really, it's always there for you when you need it.
And sorry to the people who got dragged into this... Aimie, Angie, and especially Libor...
People who I'd LIKE to say sorry to but can't bring myself to are the people actually involved. It's too messed up to be sorry. What's happened has happened and can't unhappen... we'll deal with it.
I'll catch you all later.
Love and blessings to you all
Blessed Be x
I don't know how, but I just let go. Let go of the hurt, the pain, the anger... it all just floated away. I know it's still right there and I'll have to be careful not to reach out and take them again... but to not clutch them to you is such a relief.
I feel like I floated home in some kind of Nirvana.
(no, not the band)
I realised as I walked that not having my phone, not being contactable, made me feel really alone for once in my life. It was this great, freeing feeling. There was no one who could call me and ask where I was, no one who could follow me if I decided not to go home, no one who would know I was avoiding them because I turned my phone off.... just free to do as I pleased.
And so I went home.
That's where I feared most to go. That's where it was waiting - all the hurt and the anger, all the pain. So I went there to face my fear.
And none of it was there to greet me.
It feels amazing to have made the right choice for once.
Now I'm going to do the second scariest thing and check the comments on my last post. I was warned before I came back that they were bad. Let's hope I can keep from clutching those hurtful things back and stay in this calm, peaceful place I've made.
............*reads comment*.........
Oddly, I'm still calm.
For the sake of it I may post a comment back... but that's for there, not here.
The only reaction I actually had to it initially was 'lol - double post...'
I think that all of the things that have been said are such old things now that they just don't affect me anymore. To be fair, the only thing that upset me in this whole affair was that other people were getting involved - and getting hurt.
I suppose it annoyed me that Kaydie got the wrong end of the stick and bit it again... but hey, I'm kinda used to that.
Now, however, I'm going to float off for a bit and try not to be too spaced out. I have a feeling it's caused by this lack of sleep thing. But I did get a 10 min nap at Li's before we went to the hospital, so I'll be fine for a while ^_^
I suppose I want to say sorry.
Sorry to the universe for saying it fucked me in the ass... because really, it's always there for you when you need it.
And sorry to the people who got dragged into this... Aimie, Angie, and especially Libor...
People who I'd LIKE to say sorry to but can't bring myself to are the people actually involved. It's too messed up to be sorry. What's happened has happened and can't unhappen... we'll deal with it.
I'll catch you all later.
Love and blessings to you all
Blessed Be x
And even if you want to... you can't... sorry about that.
1:07am: The sobbing gives way to shaking, and I feel the anger swirl with the pain...
None of this makes sense anymore. My brain has actually given in.
It's now 5am and I can't concentrate for toffee. I have toffee in my bag actually, so if I could concentrate for toffee that'd help a great deal...
So instead of trying harder to focus on this stupid essay I've taken time out to ramble. To get it all out. All my frustration and confusion. All the pitiful day that just keeps going wrong...
12:45am: There's nothing to describe why it hurts so much.
I'm having a shit day, a shit week - okay okay so it's not a great life, but that sounds too dramatic. So, after giving up my time for the third day running (that needed to be spent doing my essays if I'm honest) I travel to Leicester General, where I have to explain that no one else can come because they have assignments due in or are having to wait in for a delivery. It's all true - so why does it sound like excuses when it comes out of my mouth?
She looks at me with that "Well, at least you came" look in her eyes, and I just want to call them and yell at them! I don't fucking care if you're busy, she's our friend, she's scared, she needs us! A deep breath later and I'm in control. Not everyones lives revolve around their friends Lauren - I tell myself strictly.
Dj is texting me, wanting to meet up, offering to give me a lift home. Not having to wait in the cold for the bus sounds good. But now to try and hide that I'm pissed off (mostly at myself for having such bad time management and luck) and make sure she doesn't think I'm resenting coming. I'm not. I'd do anything for this girl. She's like a little sister to me. I love her to bits.
She promises me that she isn't scared - isn't worried - just wants to get it over with so she can eat without the pain. She's so brave. I just want to hug her and make all of the pain disappear. Still, there's this concern ringing her eyes. They're a little too wide, even through the slight sleepiness of the morphine.
Morphine... bad memories... I stop myself from going down that route.
This is her first major stint in hospital, and yes - she's a bad patient (because she has no patience), but a moron could see that's because she's upset and uncomfortable. And now they're sending her for surgery. Taken away the 6-8 weeks adjustment time, and thrown her straight in the deep end.
Of course I'm here. Of course I'll be there tomorrow. Hell, if my coursework isn't done it can be capped at bloody 40% - she's more important than a stupid bit of coursework. I'll be there. Assuming I don't crash and burn half way through the night. Note to self - stock up on energy drinks.
The nurse comes and tells her she's changing wards. Panic! 'Will my doctor be the same? Will I still get the surgery tomorrow? They wont force me to eat will they?' the questions come so fast that I'm surprised the nurse isn't making calming motions with her hands. Maybe she hears this stuff all the time, or maybe it's just that anyone who doesn't know Jodie doesn't realise that this isn't normal behaviour for her. She's normally laid back and doesn't worry too much. Likes to have the facts, but can wait till later to get them.
She's knelt up on the bed, I swear in a second she's going to start shaking. I calmly re-iterate that it'll be okay, repeat what the nurse says about nothing changing. It's just a non-emergency ward. It's a good thing. It means you haven't got MRSA. It's okay.
DJ is outside waiting. He'll have to wait. I'm not leaving her before she's on the new ward.
We get there and she shoo's me off though. Looked scared as hell before we left the emergency ward that I might leave her before she was moved, but hugs me as soon as the porter is out of the way and tells me to go to DJ. So brave. Always able to push her own problems aside and not worry.
Her reaction to me telling her that the others couldn't come was "Oh no! Of course not! Uni work is way more important! Wish them luck from me!" Total sincerity too. Doesn't imagine that she should come before that priority.
So off I go, heading to DJ, then ASDA, then to Li's to work on the essay and supply him with energy drink to try and get him through the last hurdle of his assignment. All the time though there's this crushing feeling. I'm about out of time on the essay. Got until 12pm tomorrow. It's never gonna happen. Been in this situation so many times. How am I supposed to get a first? Will everyone think less of me if I don't do well? And damn, I just spent too much money on snacks because I'm stressed. I don't have money - not if I want to pay my rent, let alone my bills, let alone buy Christmas presents. It's all a bit much really.
Then the cherry on top. The bottle of energy drink leaks on Li's bed... all over my phone, killing it outright. Not only have I killed my phone, I've soaked my best mates bedsheets. I'm practically in tears. We can't fix the phone.
"Wash it out with water and then use the hairdryer on it when you get home." Li suggests. I'm pretty sure we both know it's futile. I've killed this phone too many times. It can't be resurrected again I don't think.
So great. Now I have no idea what's going on with Jodie in the hospital. Not only that but I can't call home, or my friends, or text anyone... now I'm scared to walk home. Without that little life line things become scary some how. I'm not sure why - they just do.
So Li, bless him, walks me home in the lightly falling snow.
Finally home, it's half 11 :- 12 hours to go until I have to print my essay and dissertation chapter off... that's 4,000 words.... I've written... oh god, I've not written anything yet!
It's okay - stay calm. You know what you're talking about, you have a vague idea of a plan in your head, just stay calm and you'll do this. You have practice at this kinda thing. Just CHILL.
That's fine, till the flat mate starts again.
Oh joy.
At first I'm mad. I want to go downstairs and hit her - hard. I try to laugh it off with Li... but then the pain comes. It's like a wave dragging me down under the current of emotions and I'm crying. Now I'm sobbing. Now I can't breath. I need help. I need a life line.
I need to phone... oh ffs!! I can't phone anyone!! Thank you universe for once again fucking me in the ass.
So I type. Li keeps talking to me till I can stop crying enough to shuffle shakily to the bathroom and mop myself up. It feels like the break downs again. I want to curl up into a ball and die so the pain and the tears and the shaking will stop.
I try not to tell Li how bad it is - but at the same time be honest about it. He gets frustrated and tells me to basically snap out of it. Doesn't help, but I know he's right and I'm already trying to.
Slowly the tears stop. The shaking takes over everywhere and I swear I'm going to vomit. But I block her. Some how, the action calms me slightly. She can't hurt me anymore over that medium. It's okay.
I've just accused her (in my insanely mentally-breakdowny state) of being mentally abusive. Maybe that's too harsh... but I'm not taking it back, because that's how it feels. Having to deal with the put downs, the snide comments, the out and out venom, then the mood swings... on top of which she wont support me in anything but expects me to be there for her... and maybe this is one sided - but it's my side, and I'll be damned if I give it up.
Everything I try is wrong. Everything I say is wrong. And every time I want to tell her where to go I have to bite my tongue in case she does something stupid.
It's like being with Luke... only worse. So much worse.
So I finally calm down, start taking screen shots then finally writing the stupid essay that's going to keep me up all night. Everyone logs off and I'm doing okay.
Then a post catches my eye as I switch to facebook instead of paint by accident.
It's to Libor... from her sister... having a go at him.
I start to shake again. Maybe it's cold in here?
How can she blame him?? That's the thing I can't get my head around. Yell at me, sure. Diss me, yeah - of course... but Li?? That makes so little sense I end up replying to her (when I should probably keep my nose out...)
If you read it one way it basically says "Keep out of this and leave my best friend alone", but I was trying to be honest and diplomatic. I just don't want him being dragged further into this. It's not his fault his friends are at each others throats - and it's certainly not his fault if he refused to say something his bestmate specifically asked him NOT to.
So I leave it after the reply and try to go back to work, but I can't get rid of the shakes. I end up on blogger. Guess who's posted a new blog??
I automatically go and block her. Then read her blog. It's paradoxical I know... but I can't help it. I suddenly need to know what she's thinking. I need to understand the sudden rush of hatred.
And there it is. I'm a liar, and it's Dj's fault...
wow, should have seen that coming.
By refusing to comment on him being in Leicester, and telling her I hadn't seen him (which I hadn't) I'm a liar. Right. Thanks for clearing that one up.
So she's fallen out with me over the fact that someone she doesn't have to have contact with, who I never really bring up, who isn't allowed in the house, is still in contact with me and I still like him? Now, please... someone... anyone... explain this to me??
Am I being blind? Am I being totally stupid??
I've avoided the subject like the plague since any mention of him sets off the arguments, or at least the tensions. I don't text him when I'm around her. I don't know what else there is I could possibly do.
Lets face it. Our views are polar opposites. I think he's ok, she hates him.
How is anything going to change that??
How does she expect me to pick her over him when all she does is fuck with my head and he is always there for me and willing to do practically anything for/with me?
The ramble is nearly over, and the shaking has stopped again (finally)
I'm just wishing I could climb into bed and sleep for a very long time right now. But there's only 7 hours left before I have to have this done. So, no sleep for me. No rest for the wicked.
If I could have one wish right now, I'd pick from the following:
1) Be able to stop time for at least 32 hours, in which time only I (and maybe my bestfriend) would be able to do stuff. Everything else would freeze; thus giving me time to sleep and finish my essay.
2) Be home, away from all of this bullcrap.
3) Be able to just make a phone call and hear a friendly voice telling me that I'm being a big baby, to chill out, stop making a big fuss of everything and to forget about it all. Someone to just make me laugh off my silly problems and get on with things.
4) Be able to face going downstairs without the nerves of bumping into 'the flatmate' (*queue dramatic music, and!* dum dum duuuuuhhhhhhmmm!!)
5) Not have to be stuck in some kind of loggerhead that makes no sense to me
6) Not be cold.
I think, out of all of those, the most likely is the not being cold thing. But that requires going downstairs to turn the heating on... oh well, screw it, worth the risk to have at least one wish granted right?
We have this saying - that if things get really bad we'll just up and join the circus. I've been far closer to packing the poi up and setting off in the past... but I have to admit it's looking tempting again right now.
I just want things to blow over. I don't care anymore about this stupid conflict, its just a load of twaddle anyway. I just wish it didn't keep flaring up like this.
I mean, I've officially lost a friend now. Why? I'm not really sure. Try asking her?
I just wish things had been handled better to start with. This has escalated in such a stupid way.
It's gonna take ages to work out how to not be effected by this though. I mean, seriously? Not being able to breath because she was horrible to me? And not even that horrible either! Talk about a feather breaking your back!
Oh well... I want out... but I can't...
Welcome to Morganville...
Blessed Be xx
None of this makes sense anymore. My brain has actually given in.
It's now 5am and I can't concentrate for toffee. I have toffee in my bag actually, so if I could concentrate for toffee that'd help a great deal...
So instead of trying harder to focus on this stupid essay I've taken time out to ramble. To get it all out. All my frustration and confusion. All the pitiful day that just keeps going wrong...
12:45am: There's nothing to describe why it hurts so much.
I'm having a shit day, a shit week - okay okay so it's not a great life, but that sounds too dramatic. So, after giving up my time for the third day running (that needed to be spent doing my essays if I'm honest) I travel to Leicester General, where I have to explain that no one else can come because they have assignments due in or are having to wait in for a delivery. It's all true - so why does it sound like excuses when it comes out of my mouth?
She looks at me with that "Well, at least you came" look in her eyes, and I just want to call them and yell at them! I don't fucking care if you're busy, she's our friend, she's scared, she needs us! A deep breath later and I'm in control. Not everyones lives revolve around their friends Lauren - I tell myself strictly.
Dj is texting me, wanting to meet up, offering to give me a lift home. Not having to wait in the cold for the bus sounds good. But now to try and hide that I'm pissed off (mostly at myself for having such bad time management and luck) and make sure she doesn't think I'm resenting coming. I'm not. I'd do anything for this girl. She's like a little sister to me. I love her to bits.
She promises me that she isn't scared - isn't worried - just wants to get it over with so she can eat without the pain. She's so brave. I just want to hug her and make all of the pain disappear. Still, there's this concern ringing her eyes. They're a little too wide, even through the slight sleepiness of the morphine.
Morphine... bad memories... I stop myself from going down that route.
This is her first major stint in hospital, and yes - she's a bad patient (because she has no patience), but a moron could see that's because she's upset and uncomfortable. And now they're sending her for surgery. Taken away the 6-8 weeks adjustment time, and thrown her straight in the deep end.
Of course I'm here. Of course I'll be there tomorrow. Hell, if my coursework isn't done it can be capped at bloody 40% - she's more important than a stupid bit of coursework. I'll be there. Assuming I don't crash and burn half way through the night. Note to self - stock up on energy drinks.
The nurse comes and tells her she's changing wards. Panic! 'Will my doctor be the same? Will I still get the surgery tomorrow? They wont force me to eat will they?' the questions come so fast that I'm surprised the nurse isn't making calming motions with her hands. Maybe she hears this stuff all the time, or maybe it's just that anyone who doesn't know Jodie doesn't realise that this isn't normal behaviour for her. She's normally laid back and doesn't worry too much. Likes to have the facts, but can wait till later to get them.
She's knelt up on the bed, I swear in a second she's going to start shaking. I calmly re-iterate that it'll be okay, repeat what the nurse says about nothing changing. It's just a non-emergency ward. It's a good thing. It means you haven't got MRSA. It's okay.
DJ is outside waiting. He'll have to wait. I'm not leaving her before she's on the new ward.
We get there and she shoo's me off though. Looked scared as hell before we left the emergency ward that I might leave her before she was moved, but hugs me as soon as the porter is out of the way and tells me to go to DJ. So brave. Always able to push her own problems aside and not worry.
Her reaction to me telling her that the others couldn't come was "Oh no! Of course not! Uni work is way more important! Wish them luck from me!" Total sincerity too. Doesn't imagine that she should come before that priority.
So off I go, heading to DJ, then ASDA, then to Li's to work on the essay and supply him with energy drink to try and get him through the last hurdle of his assignment. All the time though there's this crushing feeling. I'm about out of time on the essay. Got until 12pm tomorrow. It's never gonna happen. Been in this situation so many times. How am I supposed to get a first? Will everyone think less of me if I don't do well? And damn, I just spent too much money on snacks because I'm stressed. I don't have money - not if I want to pay my rent, let alone my bills, let alone buy Christmas presents. It's all a bit much really.
Then the cherry on top. The bottle of energy drink leaks on Li's bed... all over my phone, killing it outright. Not only have I killed my phone, I've soaked my best mates bedsheets. I'm practically in tears. We can't fix the phone.
"Wash it out with water and then use the hairdryer on it when you get home." Li suggests. I'm pretty sure we both know it's futile. I've killed this phone too many times. It can't be resurrected again I don't think.
So great. Now I have no idea what's going on with Jodie in the hospital. Not only that but I can't call home, or my friends, or text anyone... now I'm scared to walk home. Without that little life line things become scary some how. I'm not sure why - they just do.
So Li, bless him, walks me home in the lightly falling snow.
Finally home, it's half 11 :- 12 hours to go until I have to print my essay and dissertation chapter off... that's 4,000 words.... I've written... oh god, I've not written anything yet!
It's okay - stay calm. You know what you're talking about, you have a vague idea of a plan in your head, just stay calm and you'll do this. You have practice at this kinda thing. Just CHILL.
That's fine, till the flat mate starts again.
Oh joy.
At first I'm mad. I want to go downstairs and hit her - hard. I try to laugh it off with Li... but then the pain comes. It's like a wave dragging me down under the current of emotions and I'm crying. Now I'm sobbing. Now I can't breath. I need help. I need a life line.
I need to phone... oh ffs!! I can't phone anyone!! Thank you universe for once again fucking me in the ass.
So I type. Li keeps talking to me till I can stop crying enough to shuffle shakily to the bathroom and mop myself up. It feels like the break downs again. I want to curl up into a ball and die so the pain and the tears and the shaking will stop.
I try not to tell Li how bad it is - but at the same time be honest about it. He gets frustrated and tells me to basically snap out of it. Doesn't help, but I know he's right and I'm already trying to.
Slowly the tears stop. The shaking takes over everywhere and I swear I'm going to vomit. But I block her. Some how, the action calms me slightly. She can't hurt me anymore over that medium. It's okay.
I've just accused her (in my insanely mentally-breakdowny state) of being mentally abusive. Maybe that's too harsh... but I'm not taking it back, because that's how it feels. Having to deal with the put downs, the snide comments, the out and out venom, then the mood swings... on top of which she wont support me in anything but expects me to be there for her... and maybe this is one sided - but it's my side, and I'll be damned if I give it up.
Everything I try is wrong. Everything I say is wrong. And every time I want to tell her where to go I have to bite my tongue in case she does something stupid.
It's like being with Luke... only worse. So much worse.
So I finally calm down, start taking screen shots then finally writing the stupid essay that's going to keep me up all night. Everyone logs off and I'm doing okay.
Then a post catches my eye as I switch to facebook instead of paint by accident.
It's to Libor... from her sister... having a go at him.
I start to shake again. Maybe it's cold in here?
How can she blame him?? That's the thing I can't get my head around. Yell at me, sure. Diss me, yeah - of course... but Li?? That makes so little sense I end up replying to her (when I should probably keep my nose out...)
If you read it one way it basically says "Keep out of this and leave my best friend alone", but I was trying to be honest and diplomatic. I just don't want him being dragged further into this. It's not his fault his friends are at each others throats - and it's certainly not his fault if he refused to say something his bestmate specifically asked him NOT to.
So I leave it after the reply and try to go back to work, but I can't get rid of the shakes. I end up on blogger. Guess who's posted a new blog??
I automatically go and block her. Then read her blog. It's paradoxical I know... but I can't help it. I suddenly need to know what she's thinking. I need to understand the sudden rush of hatred.
And there it is. I'm a liar, and it's Dj's fault...
wow, should have seen that coming.
By refusing to comment on him being in Leicester, and telling her I hadn't seen him (which I hadn't) I'm a liar. Right. Thanks for clearing that one up.
So she's fallen out with me over the fact that someone she doesn't have to have contact with, who I never really bring up, who isn't allowed in the house, is still in contact with me and I still like him? Now, please... someone... anyone... explain this to me??
Am I being blind? Am I being totally stupid??
I've avoided the subject like the plague since any mention of him sets off the arguments, or at least the tensions. I don't text him when I'm around her. I don't know what else there is I could possibly do.
Lets face it. Our views are polar opposites. I think he's ok, she hates him.
How is anything going to change that??
How does she expect me to pick her over him when all she does is fuck with my head and he is always there for me and willing to do practically anything for/with me?
The ramble is nearly over, and the shaking has stopped again (finally)
I'm just wishing I could climb into bed and sleep for a very long time right now. But there's only 7 hours left before I have to have this done. So, no sleep for me. No rest for the wicked.
If I could have one wish right now, I'd pick from the following:
1) Be able to stop time for at least 32 hours, in which time only I (and maybe my bestfriend) would be able to do stuff. Everything else would freeze; thus giving me time to sleep and finish my essay.
2) Be home, away from all of this bullcrap.
3) Be able to just make a phone call and hear a friendly voice telling me that I'm being a big baby, to chill out, stop making a big fuss of everything and to forget about it all. Someone to just make me laugh off my silly problems and get on with things.
4) Be able to face going downstairs without the nerves of bumping into 'the flatmate' (*queue dramatic music, and!* dum dum duuuuuhhhhhhmmm!!)
5) Not have to be stuck in some kind of loggerhead that makes no sense to me
6) Not be cold.
I think, out of all of those, the most likely is the not being cold thing. But that requires going downstairs to turn the heating on... oh well, screw it, worth the risk to have at least one wish granted right?
We have this saying - that if things get really bad we'll just up and join the circus. I've been far closer to packing the poi up and setting off in the past... but I have to admit it's looking tempting again right now.
I just want things to blow over. I don't care anymore about this stupid conflict, its just a load of twaddle anyway. I just wish it didn't keep flaring up like this.
I mean, I've officially lost a friend now. Why? I'm not really sure. Try asking her?
I just wish things had been handled better to start with. This has escalated in such a stupid way.
It's gonna take ages to work out how to not be effected by this though. I mean, seriously? Not being able to breath because she was horrible to me? And not even that horrible either! Talk about a feather breaking your back!
Oh well... I want out... but I can't...
Welcome to Morganville...
Blessed Be xx
Tuesday 23 November 2010
You Shall Not Pass!
Well, yesterday was spent in town and then in the hospital... Today was spent in the hospital with the same friend who went in yesterday (and traveling to and from the hospital - which I swear took more time than we had actually visiting her) so yet again I have yet to do any work.
This normally would be a welcome distraction - well, not my friend being in hospital, but not doing work... but the problem is I have two assignments due in Thursday. Sooo... no more sleep for the next few days!! Either that or I really wont pass.
Well... not PASS, I want a first. I don't want to be paying these ridiculous tuition fees to just pass. Bet I end up with a 2:1 instead though...
I've gotten to that stage where you just want to say 'ah fuck it. I'll bum along at a 2:1 and like it...' - but I know I'll kick myself if I let myself do that.
It's like my friend. He's doing the same sorta thing. Not putting the full effort in, not really forcing himself to do well.... we're both going to kick ourselves so badly if we don't get out of this soon.
It is for this reason that I am NOT going to ramble today.
I'll ramble when the assignments are DONE and IN.
Fingers crossed some kind of motivation gets me to stay on the ball; since our shower's broken and I'm not really keen on using the downstairs (icky) one, I'm not really 'with it' (or smelling particularly nice if I'm honest) lately. A two minute shower is not enough... so I'm going to have to put up with the icky shower soon and wash away the horrid smell that I'm basically wallowing in. Fingers crossed it'll wake me up instead of send me to sleep.
I have this terrible feeling I'm going to get upstairs, sit on my bed to do the reading part of my assignment and pass out - only to be woken by a phone call asking me to come down to the hospital again... which I'm probably going to do anyway...
I fail.
I'm going to fail.
This isn't good....
Blessed Be xx
This normally would be a welcome distraction - well, not my friend being in hospital, but not doing work... but the problem is I have two assignments due in Thursday. Sooo... no more sleep for the next few days!! Either that or I really wont pass.
Well... not PASS, I want a first. I don't want to be paying these ridiculous tuition fees to just pass. Bet I end up with a 2:1 instead though...
I've gotten to that stage where you just want to say 'ah fuck it. I'll bum along at a 2:1 and like it...' - but I know I'll kick myself if I let myself do that.
It's like my friend. He's doing the same sorta thing. Not putting the full effort in, not really forcing himself to do well.... we're both going to kick ourselves so badly if we don't get out of this soon.
It is for this reason that I am NOT going to ramble today.
I'll ramble when the assignments are DONE and IN.
Fingers crossed some kind of motivation gets me to stay on the ball; since our shower's broken and I'm not really keen on using the downstairs (icky) one, I'm not really 'with it' (or smelling particularly nice if I'm honest) lately. A two minute shower is not enough... so I'm going to have to put up with the icky shower soon and wash away the horrid smell that I'm basically wallowing in. Fingers crossed it'll wake me up instead of send me to sleep.
I have this terrible feeling I'm going to get upstairs, sit on my bed to do the reading part of my assignment and pass out - only to be woken by a phone call asking me to come down to the hospital again... which I'm probably going to do anyway...
I fail.
I'm going to fail.
This isn't good....
Blessed Be xx
Monday 22 November 2010
In the beginning was the word
I often wonder why we end up thinking about the beginning so much. It's as if our minds want to rewind to a time when we understood (or thought we understood) what was going on. We like to look at the beginning and not think about the things we did wrong, the ways we messed things up.
My mind reels back to show me things...
Luke crosses the road, and I half want to run after him - but I hold back. He doesn't like me that much - I don't want to seem clingy. I'm practically walking backwards I'm looking back that often. So is he.
Suddenly he turns and streaks back across the road, all the way down the path and sweeps me up in his arms again. I've never been so inlove!
even earlier...
TJ's bedroom is dark, and I'm still laid on top of Luke. He's so cute, and sweet... I think he might like me too. We've been kissing, and cuddling for ages...
"Stay with me tonight... please?" his tone is pleading - begging. I know I shouldn't. I know I'm not allowed. But my heart does a funny leap and I agree to.
TJ comes back in
"Lauren, mum says it's time for you to go. I'll walk you home."
much later.....
"OMG! It glows!!"
"Yeah! Check this out!" I hit the light switch and all that we can see is the blue and red lights emitted from the Frisbee and what little it illuminates.
"Oh wow!! We so have to play!"
A little later....
"Nope, you dropped it again - you've GOT to do it!"
I'm laughing, watching him glow slightly red. Who would have thought Uni would be this fun?
His pants hit the floor and he runs in a shuffle all the way to the end of the hall, dropping things and having to go back for them constantly.
I'm practically howling on the floor when he finally gets back to my door - grinning in an embarrassed way as he pulls his jeans back up.
later still....
I half fall off my bed laughing at Dj. Damn, have we left teamspeak on voice activated? I can't remember - but if so we must sound insane!
"Thaaaank yooooo suuuuurrrr!"
The pillow fight had been so much fun, but this is practically killing both of us! We can't breath!
"I need to pee!!" I gasp
As I dive into the en-suite I hear the crackle of a voice issue from my laptop
"Hey, sorry! I'm back!"
And I'm leaning forward, opening the toilet door a crack
"Answer him in humpback!!"
He's in too much of hysterics to breath, let alone speak in whale.
Yes, beginnings can be so much fun.
It's funny - we were talking today about people from the past, and how time makes you think either only about the good, or only about the bad.
"It's silly," he said "I've been thinking about all the good stuff - back in the beginning - and I really miss her."
I couldn't say anything to that. Nothing needed to be said really. I understand. There are some people who, no matter how much hell you put each other through, you still miss them when they're gone.
And then there are other people who you love dearly, and never have a real issue with... yet when they're gone you don't even think about them that much. You miss them on occasions, but in a gentle and sentimental way.
It's strange how I keep trying to look back to the beginning of Uni, but it's just one blur of pain still. Nothing really fits in with anything else. Just a big tangled mess. I kinda think of this year as my proper start at university. It's the first year I've gone out and DONE things. I suppose that's why I want to stay a few more years. Enjoy it some more.
I wouldn't say I've wasted my time here. Just that I've not been entirely... well... with it the past couple years. Can't be helped now. I think I've covered this theme before actually... so moving on!
I'm currently loving my new blog (L S Bland Fiction) because it's giving me a focus for my writing. I've not been in the mood to write fiction in a long time, so it's nice to get back into it.
And my external hardrive has just fallen on the floor. I think that may have fucked it. Damn.
I suppose I'll spend most of tomorrow trying to coax it back to life. If it weren't acting up already I'd be a lot more upset... but hey, not like it's got my dissertation on there... not like I've written enough of my dissertation for it to matter anyway! ha!
So it's half 3 in the morning, and I've been watching Naruto (the early episodes because I only started watching it a few months ago and only do so in spits and starts) and it suddenly struck me how much I think that I'm like Sakura. She basically cries a lot, excels in very few areas and just about keeps up with the task at hand. Maybe I'm not like that... Li always said I wasn't... but oh well. Maybe I don't see as much in myself as he does... but then, I see more in him than he can - so I suppose it'd be a two way thing.... it's just I can't imagine someone I look up to so much being able to see me as anything more than just the silly girl that I am.
That sounds like I'm putting myself down, but I'm really not. I don't put effort in, so I don't get results out. I understand the process, and have to admit there's not much of a result that can be found in my appearance or personality (unless you count being a bit different to normal people as 'a result'... which, no, I don't).
So when people like DJ tell me I'm amazing, it's hard to do anything other than want to slap them for trying to compliment me where it's not necessary or true. I've always thought people will do anything to get what they want from someone else, and unnecessary compliments are the way most people would achieve that. That's why I hate compliments. I mean, I give them - sure - but only where they're true (unless I'm being sarcastic, but that's different). In fact, I've found lately that I'm far too blunt and honest.
Oh dear, I can see my own breath... if we had more money I'd put the heating on...
I mean, it frustrates me when people brush off what I say. Because, while they might say that sort of thing not meaning it, I really do. The things I say are pretty much point blank opinions. Yes, I sugar coat some things so they're easier to swallow - but not often. Sure, it can get me into trouble, and I've put my foot in my mouth many a time... but the great thing about telling the truth is that you never do it for a stupid reason and want to take it back because you didn't mean it. If your foot gets wedged in your mouth when you've told the truth, it's easy to swallow. You just go a bit red, swallow your pride, and say "Well, that's my opinion... sorry. Deal with it."
You know what I've found? People actually respect you for it. They know that if I say something harsh it's because it's what I think - not because I want to hurt them; and they also know that if I say something nice, I mean every word.
I'm not sure if I was always like this. I know how to lie through my teeth, and I'm pretty good at it (until my conscience kicks in and I get pissed at myself and end up telling the entire truth anyway). I can keep a secret like a vault (unless it's my own, then at least Libor ends up knowing about it... bestfriends don't keep secrets) and can lie for a friend if I really really really have to. But it really is like I reached 20 and suddenly this 'truth' switch was flipped. If I don't want to tell people something, I just don't say it - rather than lie.
Half truths are the closest I get to lies. When you tell the truth, but don't tell the whole story?
Like the other day. My flatmates saw the guy that has been banned from our house walking down our street. They asked if he'd come to see me. He hadn't - so I said no. They asked if I'd seen him - which I hadn't - so I said no. What I didn't say was that he'd written me a letter and shoved it through the letterbox; or that I'd run to open the door and talk to him but he'd gone by the time I got there. I didn't tell them that I'd cried so hard I'd had to call my best friend to calm me down. Because one of my flatmates hates him with a passion - and seems to delight in tearing him down in my presence. I've been through so many ups and downs with him that I've bitched like hell about him (sometimes to her)... and that's made it all justified in her mind. It's also made all my flatmates take up her point of view. (I say all... I live with 3 girls... not much of an 'all' there... lol)
So I told these half truths, and they caused a mini hell - because even though I don't lie, my flatmate thinks I never tell the truth, especially to her. Oh yes, according to her I'm the liar to beat all liars. Nothing I say ever is the truth. Well... I can't say that's actually her opinion because I can't see into her mind or anything... but that's how she makes it come across. She makes it come across that I'm not to be trusted, and that nothing I say (especially regarding the boy) is to be believed.
Let me give you an example of this. I once used the word 'kinda' when referring to seeing this guy. I said that I was 'kinda' seeing him. What does that mean to you?
To me, it meant that I was very close to seeing him, and he was starting to view it in that way... that I was on the brink of dating the guy, without having taken the step. If I'm honest, without wanting to take the step. I wanted a friends honest opinion of how to handle the situation...
To her, it meant I was dating him and didn't want to admit it.
So now that I know we speak different languages, it's kinda hard to work out what she means when she says things. (And I just realised the irony of describing that with the word 'kinda')
It's hard being in a house with someone who speaks a different language. It reminds me of this horrible joke that DJ came out with today... it was so spur of the moment and witty that I burst out laughing.
I was in a bad mood and he was on about these two games he couldn't decide between playing. One was 'shooting the hell out of yanks' the other was 'shooting the hell out of super mutants'... or something like that. I - rather uninterested - asked what the difference was?
"One of them speaks English" he replied "The other's american."
"I could have said" he continued "One of them's an ugly, stupid brute; and one of them's a super mutant"
the first one was funnier.
I should probably go into detail as to the DJ issue... but it's long, complicated - and boring - and this post is long enough already without adding that in!
Summary? He was my flatmates ex, we hooked up and I told her I liked him - at which point she exploded because they had basically been threatening to kill each other... things got bad between all three of us because she was trying to get with his bestfriend and he told his mate to back the hell off... which made things awkward... and then my best mate and my other flatmates told me they didn't like him... and he started acting like a dickhead (okay, he started acting like my ex-fiance...same diff yeah?) so I told him to shove off...
but then I kept telling him to come back...
so basically I've been an undecided annoying headfuck - who deserves to be p0wned like a n00b...
I've been trying to make the peace in my flat - but his ex likes to bring it up constantly and have a dig. See, she thinks I literally can't get him to leave me alone and that he's practically stalking me (which she told me he would do...and that he'd probably end up trying to kill me...) where as the only thing I let her see is when I'm frustrated at him. I don't bring him up otherwise. She doesn't see me flirt with him, or ask him round, or go to him for comfort. She sees me in the middle of a bad day get one text too many, look at my phone and just go "Fuck off DJ!" and throw it on the sofa.
So I can see where she's getting the wrong end of the stick and everything... it's just - how do you say to someone "Look, I know you hate this person, and you think I do too, but I kinda still love him a fair bit - so stop slagging him off constantly before I punch you in the face"??
Okay, so I'd say it like that... but the last time we argued thinks got bad and she kinda nearly died (NO!! I did not beat her up or hurt her or nearly kill her! Before you jump to conclusions!) So instead I walk on egg shells and put up with the constant irritation of the DJ subject.
I figure, after the shit I've put up with these past few years, someone hurling abuse would be easy enough to deal with - someone making random snidey harsh comments is a breeze.
I guess I'm kinda sad that I don't think I'll ever really be truly friends with her again. I feel like she's shown a side of herself that I just can't overlook... which I feel bad about. I mean, I used to call her my best friend; now I call her my flatmate... it's kinda bad. But like I said to Lenny, we never treated each other as best friends. The word was used, but the actual being there for each other through everything wasn't. I mean, yes, we were there for each other... but not like, say, me and Li have been. Not like me and Sasha were. We only went through one real life changing thing together - and that ended in bloodshed!
They say certain things will either make or break a relationship. I guess this has broken ours.
I'm not saying I hate the girl!
I still love her in a weird way. I'd still do practically anything for her... but the list of people I'd do virtually anything for is pretty extensive. The list of people I would do absolutely anything for is a fair bit shorter. Most of them are younger relatives...
Sometimes I think that if we could have a fair argument - actually say what we mean to each other; not her backing down or simply repeating something I'm discounting, and not me trying my best to hold back on my tongue - then we might be okay again. Clear the air, so to speak. But we can't.
Why is it girls hold onto these problems??
Last year Li was constantly going on about how Lisa never let things drop. I realised this year two main things.
1) boys think they've addressed and fixed a problem, but normally have swept it under the rug instead - choosing to forgive and forget rather than get hung up on a problem.
2) girls have to argue (or 'discuss') the same thing continuously until everything that can be said has been said at least three times, and everyone is now saying the exact same thing.
Oh, and thirdly - I argue like a boy. Thanks for that Dad.
I never really argued with Mum as a child. She was pretty out of it for a fair while on medication for her back (which she kicked cold-turkey... scary shit! I'm so proud of her strength though) so we never argued. She was either just happy to be spending time with me or being knocked unconscious by the morphine. So daddy was my arguing buddy.
We're both Capricorns, so we butt heads like little rams at times! He always said (and still says to this day) "It's sorted now. It's done. We can forget about it and move on."
Granted, he'll argue black is blue till the cows come home if you let him... and he'll probably prove to you on some intricate level that he has a point (even if it is totally unrelated to the actual question) and only once you agree with him will he let it drop completely... (yeah, that's where I get it from) but the basic principle of 'sort it - leave it' has always been there.
Well, if I continue this post any further it's going to turn into a book. Lets leave it at a soliloquy shall we?
I hope that you're well, and that you continue in your good health for as long as possible
all my love
Blessed be xx
My mind reels back to show me things...
Luke crosses the road, and I half want to run after him - but I hold back. He doesn't like me that much - I don't want to seem clingy. I'm practically walking backwards I'm looking back that often. So is he.
Suddenly he turns and streaks back across the road, all the way down the path and sweeps me up in his arms again. I've never been so inlove!
even earlier...
TJ's bedroom is dark, and I'm still laid on top of Luke. He's so cute, and sweet... I think he might like me too. We've been kissing, and cuddling for ages...
"Stay with me tonight... please?" his tone is pleading - begging. I know I shouldn't. I know I'm not allowed. But my heart does a funny leap and I agree to.
TJ comes back in
"Lauren, mum says it's time for you to go. I'll walk you home."
much later.....
"OMG! It glows!!"
"Yeah! Check this out!" I hit the light switch and all that we can see is the blue and red lights emitted from the Frisbee and what little it illuminates.
"Oh wow!! We so have to play!"
A little later....
"Nope, you dropped it again - you've GOT to do it!"
I'm laughing, watching him glow slightly red. Who would have thought Uni would be this fun?
His pants hit the floor and he runs in a shuffle all the way to the end of the hall, dropping things and having to go back for them constantly.
I'm practically howling on the floor when he finally gets back to my door - grinning in an embarrassed way as he pulls his jeans back up.
later still....
I half fall off my bed laughing at Dj. Damn, have we left teamspeak on voice activated? I can't remember - but if so we must sound insane!
"Thaaaank yooooo suuuuurrrr!"
The pillow fight had been so much fun, but this is practically killing both of us! We can't breath!
"I need to pee!!" I gasp
As I dive into the en-suite I hear the crackle of a voice issue from my laptop
"Hey, sorry! I'm back!"
And I'm leaning forward, opening the toilet door a crack
"Answer him in humpback!!"
He's in too much of hysterics to breath, let alone speak in whale.
Yes, beginnings can be so much fun.
It's funny - we were talking today about people from the past, and how time makes you think either only about the good, or only about the bad.
"It's silly," he said "I've been thinking about all the good stuff - back in the beginning - and I really miss her."
I couldn't say anything to that. Nothing needed to be said really. I understand. There are some people who, no matter how much hell you put each other through, you still miss them when they're gone.
And then there are other people who you love dearly, and never have a real issue with... yet when they're gone you don't even think about them that much. You miss them on occasions, but in a gentle and sentimental way.
It's strange how I keep trying to look back to the beginning of Uni, but it's just one blur of pain still. Nothing really fits in with anything else. Just a big tangled mess. I kinda think of this year as my proper start at university. It's the first year I've gone out and DONE things. I suppose that's why I want to stay a few more years. Enjoy it some more.
I wouldn't say I've wasted my time here. Just that I've not been entirely... well... with it the past couple years. Can't be helped now. I think I've covered this theme before actually... so moving on!
I'm currently loving my new blog (L S Bland Fiction) because it's giving me a focus for my writing. I've not been in the mood to write fiction in a long time, so it's nice to get back into it.
And my external hardrive has just fallen on the floor. I think that may have fucked it. Damn.
I suppose I'll spend most of tomorrow trying to coax it back to life. If it weren't acting up already I'd be a lot more upset... but hey, not like it's got my dissertation on there... not like I've written enough of my dissertation for it to matter anyway! ha!
So it's half 3 in the morning, and I've been watching Naruto (the early episodes because I only started watching it a few months ago and only do so in spits and starts) and it suddenly struck me how much I think that I'm like Sakura. She basically cries a lot, excels in very few areas and just about keeps up with the task at hand. Maybe I'm not like that... Li always said I wasn't... but oh well. Maybe I don't see as much in myself as he does... but then, I see more in him than he can - so I suppose it'd be a two way thing.... it's just I can't imagine someone I look up to so much being able to see me as anything more than just the silly girl that I am.
That sounds like I'm putting myself down, but I'm really not. I don't put effort in, so I don't get results out. I understand the process, and have to admit there's not much of a result that can be found in my appearance or personality (unless you count being a bit different to normal people as 'a result'... which, no, I don't).
So when people like DJ tell me I'm amazing, it's hard to do anything other than want to slap them for trying to compliment me where it's not necessary or true. I've always thought people will do anything to get what they want from someone else, and unnecessary compliments are the way most people would achieve that. That's why I hate compliments. I mean, I give them - sure - but only where they're true (unless I'm being sarcastic, but that's different). In fact, I've found lately that I'm far too blunt and honest.
Oh dear, I can see my own breath... if we had more money I'd put the heating on...
I mean, it frustrates me when people brush off what I say. Because, while they might say that sort of thing not meaning it, I really do. The things I say are pretty much point blank opinions. Yes, I sugar coat some things so they're easier to swallow - but not often. Sure, it can get me into trouble, and I've put my foot in my mouth many a time... but the great thing about telling the truth is that you never do it for a stupid reason and want to take it back because you didn't mean it. If your foot gets wedged in your mouth when you've told the truth, it's easy to swallow. You just go a bit red, swallow your pride, and say "Well, that's my opinion... sorry. Deal with it."
You know what I've found? People actually respect you for it. They know that if I say something harsh it's because it's what I think - not because I want to hurt them; and they also know that if I say something nice, I mean every word.
I'm not sure if I was always like this. I know how to lie through my teeth, and I'm pretty good at it (until my conscience kicks in and I get pissed at myself and end up telling the entire truth anyway). I can keep a secret like a vault (unless it's my own, then at least Libor ends up knowing about it... bestfriends don't keep secrets) and can lie for a friend if I really really really have to. But it really is like I reached 20 and suddenly this 'truth' switch was flipped. If I don't want to tell people something, I just don't say it - rather than lie.
Half truths are the closest I get to lies. When you tell the truth, but don't tell the whole story?
Like the other day. My flatmates saw the guy that has been banned from our house walking down our street. They asked if he'd come to see me. He hadn't - so I said no. They asked if I'd seen him - which I hadn't - so I said no. What I didn't say was that he'd written me a letter and shoved it through the letterbox; or that I'd run to open the door and talk to him but he'd gone by the time I got there. I didn't tell them that I'd cried so hard I'd had to call my best friend to calm me down. Because one of my flatmates hates him with a passion - and seems to delight in tearing him down in my presence. I've been through so many ups and downs with him that I've bitched like hell about him (sometimes to her)... and that's made it all justified in her mind. It's also made all my flatmates take up her point of view. (I say all... I live with 3 girls... not much of an 'all' there... lol)
So I told these half truths, and they caused a mini hell - because even though I don't lie, my flatmate thinks I never tell the truth, especially to her. Oh yes, according to her I'm the liar to beat all liars. Nothing I say ever is the truth. Well... I can't say that's actually her opinion because I can't see into her mind or anything... but that's how she makes it come across. She makes it come across that I'm not to be trusted, and that nothing I say (especially regarding the boy) is to be believed.
Let me give you an example of this. I once used the word 'kinda' when referring to seeing this guy. I said that I was 'kinda' seeing him. What does that mean to you?
To me, it meant that I was very close to seeing him, and he was starting to view it in that way... that I was on the brink of dating the guy, without having taken the step. If I'm honest, without wanting to take the step. I wanted a friends honest opinion of how to handle the situation...
To her, it meant I was dating him and didn't want to admit it.
So now that I know we speak different languages, it's kinda hard to work out what she means when she says things. (And I just realised the irony of describing that with the word 'kinda')
It's hard being in a house with someone who speaks a different language. It reminds me of this horrible joke that DJ came out with today... it was so spur of the moment and witty that I burst out laughing.
I was in a bad mood and he was on about these two games he couldn't decide between playing. One was 'shooting the hell out of yanks' the other was 'shooting the hell out of super mutants'... or something like that. I - rather uninterested - asked what the difference was?
"One of them speaks English" he replied "The other's american."
"I could have said" he continued "One of them's an ugly, stupid brute; and one of them's a super mutant"
the first one was funnier.
I should probably go into detail as to the DJ issue... but it's long, complicated - and boring - and this post is long enough already without adding that in!
Summary? He was my flatmates ex, we hooked up and I told her I liked him - at which point she exploded because they had basically been threatening to kill each other... things got bad between all three of us because she was trying to get with his bestfriend and he told his mate to back the hell off... which made things awkward... and then my best mate and my other flatmates told me they didn't like him... and he started acting like a dickhead (okay, he started acting like my ex-fiance...same diff yeah?) so I told him to shove off...
but then I kept telling him to come back...
so basically I've been an undecided annoying headfuck - who deserves to be p0wned like a n00b...
I've been trying to make the peace in my flat - but his ex likes to bring it up constantly and have a dig. See, she thinks I literally can't get him to leave me alone and that he's practically stalking me (which she told me he would do...and that he'd probably end up trying to kill me...) where as the only thing I let her see is when I'm frustrated at him. I don't bring him up otherwise. She doesn't see me flirt with him, or ask him round, or go to him for comfort. She sees me in the middle of a bad day get one text too many, look at my phone and just go "Fuck off DJ!" and throw it on the sofa.
So I can see where she's getting the wrong end of the stick and everything... it's just - how do you say to someone "Look, I know you hate this person, and you think I do too, but I kinda still love him a fair bit - so stop slagging him off constantly before I punch you in the face"??
Okay, so I'd say it like that... but the last time we argued thinks got bad and she kinda nearly died (NO!! I did not beat her up or hurt her or nearly kill her! Before you jump to conclusions!) So instead I walk on egg shells and put up with the constant irritation of the DJ subject.
I figure, after the shit I've put up with these past few years, someone hurling abuse would be easy enough to deal with - someone making random snidey harsh comments is a breeze.
I guess I'm kinda sad that I don't think I'll ever really be truly friends with her again. I feel like she's shown a side of herself that I just can't overlook... which I feel bad about. I mean, I used to call her my best friend; now I call her my flatmate... it's kinda bad. But like I said to Lenny, we never treated each other as best friends. The word was used, but the actual being there for each other through everything wasn't. I mean, yes, we were there for each other... but not like, say, me and Li have been. Not like me and Sasha were. We only went through one real life changing thing together - and that ended in bloodshed!
They say certain things will either make or break a relationship. I guess this has broken ours.
I'm not saying I hate the girl!
I still love her in a weird way. I'd still do practically anything for her... but the list of people I'd do virtually anything for is pretty extensive. The list of people I would do absolutely anything for is a fair bit shorter. Most of them are younger relatives...
Sometimes I think that if we could have a fair argument - actually say what we mean to each other; not her backing down or simply repeating something I'm discounting, and not me trying my best to hold back on my tongue - then we might be okay again. Clear the air, so to speak. But we can't.
Why is it girls hold onto these problems??
Last year Li was constantly going on about how Lisa never let things drop. I realised this year two main things.
1) boys think they've addressed and fixed a problem, but normally have swept it under the rug instead - choosing to forgive and forget rather than get hung up on a problem.
2) girls have to argue (or 'discuss') the same thing continuously until everything that can be said has been said at least three times, and everyone is now saying the exact same thing.
Oh, and thirdly - I argue like a boy. Thanks for that Dad.
I never really argued with Mum as a child. She was pretty out of it for a fair while on medication for her back (which she kicked cold-turkey... scary shit! I'm so proud of her strength though) so we never argued. She was either just happy to be spending time with me or being knocked unconscious by the morphine. So daddy was my arguing buddy.
We're both Capricorns, so we butt heads like little rams at times! He always said (and still says to this day) "It's sorted now. It's done. We can forget about it and move on."
Granted, he'll argue black is blue till the cows come home if you let him... and he'll probably prove to you on some intricate level that he has a point (even if it is totally unrelated to the actual question) and only once you agree with him will he let it drop completely... (yeah, that's where I get it from) but the basic principle of 'sort it - leave it' has always been there.
Well, if I continue this post any further it's going to turn into a book. Lets leave it at a soliloquy shall we?
I hope that you're well, and that you continue in your good health for as long as possible
all my love
Blessed be xx
Sunday 21 November 2010
Time does not bring relief; you all have lied
There's this moment of unspoken confusion, where all of us realise none of us are talking about the same thing. I can barely stand it, wanting to lash out at the people closest to me.
No, that's not true. Wanting to lash out at one person, but knowing that if I let loose it'll be at a completely different one. Friendships are odd like that. You push your pain onto the people who you love the most because you feel that they'll know you don't mean it. It's wrong - but we all do it.
The paranoia kicks in a second later, and I feel as though everyone is turning against me. I know it's just paranoia; I know it's irrational - so I can't show the feeling. Still, the pain is crushing down on me and I don't know how I'm breathing. It doesn't seem possible to breath with this pain in my chest.
I need to get out of here... I think desperately.
It's not unusual for me to randomly run or skip or jump - so I force a smile as I glance at them, then speed off in front. The corner isn't far - and I feel like I'm flying anyway (amazing how that happens when you don't think, when you just throw yourself forwards with all the force of pent up emotion) - I'm there in seconds.
I slow as I begin to reach it, and hide round the corner. I'll pretend to be hiding to jump out at them I decide. But I need this minute (I hope I have a minute at least) before I have to face them again. I need to pull myself together to face that person again. I almost, almost cry.
The sound of a single pair of feet lightly jogging closer have me fixing my face into a smile - getting ready to shout "Boo!"
It's pathetic when it finally comes out - and I fear my covers blown - but he's too consumed by his own problems tonight to force the issue (if he's noticed). A deep breath later and we're all back together again - all confusion replaced by the innuendos again.
The thing is, I thought this problem would fade away. I thought there was this simple golden solution to our problems, and I sacrificed what I could for it. I pulled myself together and used said solution... but it's not fixed anything really. If anything it's made things worse... only this time I don't have a distraction from it, so it's affecting me most. I'm just left with the emptiness where that sacrificed piece of my life used to be, and the broken friendships, and the knowledge that the more time passes the more I resent them both.
My other soul told me to decide this for myself. To make the decision based on my feelings and not worry too much about everyone else. They said they were worried about how things were, and they thought that maybe my golden solution would work. At the same time they warned me that things might not work out for the best - especially if it wasn't what I really wanted.
Thing is, what I really wanted - what I really want - is for a re-do. Start life over and erase all the mistakes. Steal back my virginity, ignore all the bullying and continue to work hard on my studies, push myself to be the best me there is, ignore boys and the long delicious legs that the girls around me slowly revealed; most of all, I wish I could go back and not pretend all the time. Pretend to be happy, pretend I was someone I'm not... just be me, and be happy that way - and make other people see that I was worth their friendship too.
I want to go back to practically the beginning. I don't care about the petty problems that are right here, right now. They're nothing really. They're passing, fleeting - I know I shouldn't focus on them. But there's still the ingrained problems that I hand picked for myself.
There are things I don't regret. I don't regret picking the friends I did when I was young. I don't regret going to the secondary school I went to. I don't regret loving as much, and as hard, and as often as possible - even if it did get my heart broken a million times - because that's been worth every minute (even the ones counted in tears). I can't regret coming to DMU - just because of the people I've met, and the experiences I've had with them... the opportunities they've created for me, and the hope they've inspired me with.
But then you get the details, and it's as if I would have a totally different life if I could.
There are so many people I've lost over the years. That's life. But time hasn't healed any of those hurts. I don't think it ever will. You just learn not to think about them too much.
Still, I had hoped that over time this problem would fizzle into nothing. I thought time really would fix this. Instead it's just getting worse with every passing day.
I'm trying. Trying so hard to make it all okay. Trying to push away the pain and the anger and the hurt, push away the spiteful words that constantly lick my tongue - but it's getting harder instead of easier.
I ended up on the phone in tears again today to my best friend, because some stuff happened and I couldn't talk to my flatmates about it. I just couldn't bring myself to ask for their help in that department - because I know they'd take one persons view, one persons side, and the "help" would be a barrage of instructions and sermons... That was more what caused the tears if I'm honest - that I needed someone, and I had to phone a friend instead of talk to the people I share a home with...
My other soul tries to help. They try to smooth everything over. To pull little invisible strings to make everything better. To say the right thing. They always manage to ease the pain of it all, but the problem wont go away. They say to me "Just follow your heart, the rest will fall into place..." but I'm starting to wonder if I have a heart that works. Sure, you can feel it beat in my chest; if you put your ear against my breast you would hear it pumping away... but the one that my other soul means is that metaphorical one - the construct of the minds emotional center - and mine has been shattered so many times I'm starting to think some of the pieces may be missing. How can I follow my heart when it keeps walking me into a brick wall?
I hold out hope that time really is the healer of all things.
I keep trying to believe that in the end (whenever you're supposed to class things as 'the end') everything will be okay. That my story will end in a happily ever after.
The belief that all of this only matters in a very minute way, and that the basic mechanics of how I am and who I am are what will really shape my future, is the only thing keeping me going at time. That and my closest friends.
But now, now it's time to try and do some work. To put the day behind us all and start again.
Everyday I start again lately.
Is that what life is about?
Time will tell.
Blessed Be xx
No, that's not true. Wanting to lash out at one person, but knowing that if I let loose it'll be at a completely different one. Friendships are odd like that. You push your pain onto the people who you love the most because you feel that they'll know you don't mean it. It's wrong - but we all do it.
The paranoia kicks in a second later, and I feel as though everyone is turning against me. I know it's just paranoia; I know it's irrational - so I can't show the feeling. Still, the pain is crushing down on me and I don't know how I'm breathing. It doesn't seem possible to breath with this pain in my chest.
I need to get out of here... I think desperately.
It's not unusual for me to randomly run or skip or jump - so I force a smile as I glance at them, then speed off in front. The corner isn't far - and I feel like I'm flying anyway (amazing how that happens when you don't think, when you just throw yourself forwards with all the force of pent up emotion) - I'm there in seconds.
I slow as I begin to reach it, and hide round the corner. I'll pretend to be hiding to jump out at them I decide. But I need this minute (I hope I have a minute at least) before I have to face them again. I need to pull myself together to face that person again. I almost, almost cry.
The sound of a single pair of feet lightly jogging closer have me fixing my face into a smile - getting ready to shout "Boo!"
It's pathetic when it finally comes out - and I fear my covers blown - but he's too consumed by his own problems tonight to force the issue (if he's noticed). A deep breath later and we're all back together again - all confusion replaced by the innuendos again.
The thing is, I thought this problem would fade away. I thought there was this simple golden solution to our problems, and I sacrificed what I could for it. I pulled myself together and used said solution... but it's not fixed anything really. If anything it's made things worse... only this time I don't have a distraction from it, so it's affecting me most. I'm just left with the emptiness where that sacrificed piece of my life used to be, and the broken friendships, and the knowledge that the more time passes the more I resent them both.
My other soul told me to decide this for myself. To make the decision based on my feelings and not worry too much about everyone else. They said they were worried about how things were, and they thought that maybe my golden solution would work. At the same time they warned me that things might not work out for the best - especially if it wasn't what I really wanted.
Thing is, what I really wanted - what I really want - is for a re-do. Start life over and erase all the mistakes. Steal back my virginity, ignore all the bullying and continue to work hard on my studies, push myself to be the best me there is, ignore boys and the long delicious legs that the girls around me slowly revealed; most of all, I wish I could go back and not pretend all the time. Pretend to be happy, pretend I was someone I'm not... just be me, and be happy that way - and make other people see that I was worth their friendship too.
I want to go back to practically the beginning. I don't care about the petty problems that are right here, right now. They're nothing really. They're passing, fleeting - I know I shouldn't focus on them. But there's still the ingrained problems that I hand picked for myself.
There are things I don't regret. I don't regret picking the friends I did when I was young. I don't regret going to the secondary school I went to. I don't regret loving as much, and as hard, and as often as possible - even if it did get my heart broken a million times - because that's been worth every minute (even the ones counted in tears). I can't regret coming to DMU - just because of the people I've met, and the experiences I've had with them... the opportunities they've created for me, and the hope they've inspired me with.
But then you get the details, and it's as if I would have a totally different life if I could.
There are so many people I've lost over the years. That's life. But time hasn't healed any of those hurts. I don't think it ever will. You just learn not to think about them too much.
Still, I had hoped that over time this problem would fizzle into nothing. I thought time really would fix this. Instead it's just getting worse with every passing day.
I'm trying. Trying so hard to make it all okay. Trying to push away the pain and the anger and the hurt, push away the spiteful words that constantly lick my tongue - but it's getting harder instead of easier.
I ended up on the phone in tears again today to my best friend, because some stuff happened and I couldn't talk to my flatmates about it. I just couldn't bring myself to ask for their help in that department - because I know they'd take one persons view, one persons side, and the "help" would be a barrage of instructions and sermons... That was more what caused the tears if I'm honest - that I needed someone, and I had to phone a friend instead of talk to the people I share a home with...
My other soul tries to help. They try to smooth everything over. To pull little invisible strings to make everything better. To say the right thing. They always manage to ease the pain of it all, but the problem wont go away. They say to me "Just follow your heart, the rest will fall into place..." but I'm starting to wonder if I have a heart that works. Sure, you can feel it beat in my chest; if you put your ear against my breast you would hear it pumping away... but the one that my other soul means is that metaphorical one - the construct of the minds emotional center - and mine has been shattered so many times I'm starting to think some of the pieces may be missing. How can I follow my heart when it keeps walking me into a brick wall?
I hold out hope that time really is the healer of all things.
I keep trying to believe that in the end (whenever you're supposed to class things as 'the end') everything will be okay. That my story will end in a happily ever after.
The belief that all of this only matters in a very minute way, and that the basic mechanics of how I am and who I am are what will really shape my future, is the only thing keeping me going at time. That and my closest friends.
But now, now it's time to try and do some work. To put the day behind us all and start again.
Everyday I start again lately.
Is that what life is about?
Time will tell.
Blessed Be xx
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