I'm so stressed out lately, I can't concentrate for toffee.
Why am I stressed? Well, apart from the lack of job, lack of money, lack of direction and lack of hope for the future... it's mostly this fear that anything/everything I do is imminently going to start a fight/argument.
It's as if I'm in this paradoxical world where everything I do is both right and wrong at the same time. Oh wait - that's the real world anyway. The only thing that makes anything right or wrong is who is judging it. I feel constantly judged lately... and it's never a good out come.
And then during the arguments I find myself biting my tongue constantly... so there's actually all this stuff left unsaid. Stuff that would really hurt. Stuff that's just... not nice to say. Stuff that, honestly, probably isn't 60% (let alone 100%) true. Yet it's still there, and leaving it unsaid seems to give it more power some how.
All I think about is all the things I know could start a fight, all the stuff that I want to say but wont. All the 'fuck you's' I think of get stuck somewhere in my head, and I just can't think straight enough to concentrate on my research, or anything else for that matter. I just float around in my head thinking "what if" wishing for something better. It's driving me insane.
I've let myself drop off the face of the earth again too. Barely talking to people, hardly ever texting back or messaging friends. I just can't deal with the social interaction.
Like I say - that would be alright, if I could just concentrate - or work out a solution to the problems at hand.
I keep thinking they're resolved - then the reappear... it's like - wtf? tenacious little bastards...
Being wiccan, I should have time to meditate about this... but how do you make time to meditate when there's always someone there with you, wanting to do other stuff, or playing loud music/games?
As a student, I'm supposed to have somewhere to study quietly... but for that I have to travel an hour on the half on the trains, then walk for half hour. It's a pain in the ass. 50 hours of studying a week is virtually impossible. at least when you have no where to do it.
I'm looking forward to next year. We were supposed to move up to be by my uni this year... but things happened, and now it looks as though we wont manage it till next year. Hopefully in January. Starting to give up hope on even doing that if I'm honest. Just so fed up of plans falling through and everything going wrong. Feels like that's all that happens lately.
Just worn out I guess. Like my clothes, and phone, and laptop, and mp3player.... I'm surprised anything works! It's all so old now that it just wants to fall apart. Even my phone, which is only a year old!! How uncool is that?? A year and it's already falling apart... not physically as in parts dropping off; but it messes up on sending texts and stuff, sometimes the touch screen decides to stop working - especially likes doing that when receiving calls... and yeah, I have to use the screen to answer... fecking thing.
Meh, this has just been a rant about feeling poop. Sorry for the down note.
On the up beat - it's nearly Christmas/Yule, a time of giving and peace and taking stock of things. A time of death [Yr] and changes. At this time of year the God, who has already impregnated the Goddess in Autumn, dies and is accepted back into the earth, ready to reborn again in spring. Interesting that in Christianity this is a time of birth, while Easter is a time of death... and rebirth... confusing if you ask me. Ostara makes far more sense considering the actions following the seasons.
Anyway - point is Yule is a time of death, a time to give up bad habits and bad feelings. It's a time to let go of all the horrid stuff in life and embrace the good, warm fuzziness, in order to make it through the rest of the harsh winter months. Odd how a time of death is also a time of joy in Pagan belief. Joy of moving on, of the wheel turning...
Yeah, I'm getting back into my religion again. I never really make enough time for it, but it's something that keeps me balanced. Sometimes I wonder if the reason my best friend keeps me so balanced is because he's such a strong witch too... I miss him. We're only a couple hours away by train - but it still means I don't get to see him much. I've often felt he was the only person who ever really understood me, and having him so far away ... well, just plain sucks.
Oh well.
Remember, Yule is about letting go, and that the time of new beginnings is close at hand.
Cherish what you have, love all you can, let go of pain, forgive your fellow man - especially those you feel you can't forgive. Letting go of your anger or hurt over a situation, action, or person is one of the most rewarding things you can do. It lets you see with fresh eyes, and deal with things in a way you can't when you're clouded with guilt, hurt, anger...
So yeah - if I could give advice today, it would be this:
Let go.
And since one of my favourite (if odd) songs is entitled 'Let go', I thought I'd share it with you!
As always,
Blessed be xx
Why am I stressed? Well, apart from the lack of job, lack of money, lack of direction and lack of hope for the future... it's mostly this fear that anything/everything I do is imminently going to start a fight/argument.
It's as if I'm in this paradoxical world where everything I do is both right and wrong at the same time. Oh wait - that's the real world anyway. The only thing that makes anything right or wrong is who is judging it. I feel constantly judged lately... and it's never a good out come.
And then during the arguments I find myself biting my tongue constantly... so there's actually all this stuff left unsaid. Stuff that would really hurt. Stuff that's just... not nice to say. Stuff that, honestly, probably isn't 60% (let alone 100%) true. Yet it's still there, and leaving it unsaid seems to give it more power some how.
All I think about is all the things I know could start a fight, all the stuff that I want to say but wont. All the 'fuck you's' I think of get stuck somewhere in my head, and I just can't think straight enough to concentrate on my research, or anything else for that matter. I just float around in my head thinking "what if" wishing for something better. It's driving me insane.
I've let myself drop off the face of the earth again too. Barely talking to people, hardly ever texting back or messaging friends. I just can't deal with the social interaction.
Like I say - that would be alright, if I could just concentrate - or work out a solution to the problems at hand.
I keep thinking they're resolved - then the reappear... it's like - wtf? tenacious little bastards...
Being wiccan, I should have time to meditate about this... but how do you make time to meditate when there's always someone there with you, wanting to do other stuff, or playing loud music/games?
As a student, I'm supposed to have somewhere to study quietly... but for that I have to travel an hour on the half on the trains, then walk for half hour. It's a pain in the ass. 50 hours of studying a week is virtually impossible. at least when you have no where to do it.
I'm looking forward to next year. We were supposed to move up to be by my uni this year... but things happened, and now it looks as though we wont manage it till next year. Hopefully in January. Starting to give up hope on even doing that if I'm honest. Just so fed up of plans falling through and everything going wrong. Feels like that's all that happens lately.
Just worn out I guess. Like my clothes, and phone, and laptop, and mp3player.... I'm surprised anything works! It's all so old now that it just wants to fall apart. Even my phone, which is only a year old!! How uncool is that?? A year and it's already falling apart... not physically as in parts dropping off; but it messes up on sending texts and stuff, sometimes the touch screen decides to stop working - especially likes doing that when receiving calls... and yeah, I have to use the screen to answer... fecking thing.
Meh, this has just been a rant about feeling poop. Sorry for the down note.
On the up beat - it's nearly Christmas/Yule, a time of giving and peace and taking stock of things. A time of death [Yr] and changes. At this time of year the God, who has already impregnated the Goddess in Autumn, dies and is accepted back into the earth, ready to reborn again in spring. Interesting that in Christianity this is a time of birth, while Easter is a time of death... and rebirth... confusing if you ask me. Ostara makes far more sense considering the actions following the seasons.
Anyway - point is Yule is a time of death, a time to give up bad habits and bad feelings. It's a time to let go of all the horrid stuff in life and embrace the good, warm fuzziness, in order to make it through the rest of the harsh winter months. Odd how a time of death is also a time of joy in Pagan belief. Joy of moving on, of the wheel turning...
Yeah, I'm getting back into my religion again. I never really make enough time for it, but it's something that keeps me balanced. Sometimes I wonder if the reason my best friend keeps me so balanced is because he's such a strong witch too... I miss him. We're only a couple hours away by train - but it still means I don't get to see him much. I've often felt he was the only person who ever really understood me, and having him so far away ... well, just plain sucks.
Oh well.
Remember, Yule is about letting go, and that the time of new beginnings is close at hand.
Cherish what you have, love all you can, let go of pain, forgive your fellow man - especially those you feel you can't forgive. Letting go of your anger or hurt over a situation, action, or person is one of the most rewarding things you can do. It lets you see with fresh eyes, and deal with things in a way you can't when you're clouded with guilt, hurt, anger...
So yeah - if I could give advice today, it would be this:
Let go.
And since one of my favourite (if odd) songs is entitled 'Let go', I thought I'd share it with you!
As always,
Blessed be xx
