Haven't had chance to write here for so long. I miss rambling at you random people stumbling across a blog so badly riddled with spelling mistakes and lack of proof reading that you can't decide whether to read on or not.
I haven't had chance to write in so long because I've lately gotten into a pretty full on relationship.
We spend so much time together (what with us both living in my parents spare bedroom) that I never get chance to sit down and ramble.
The thing is, lately it feels like all we do is argue.
The words "Whatever", "Fine", and "What?" have never been able to spark a fight so quickly in my life. Hell, even a look can set us off lately. "Why are you looking at me like that?" or "Stop looking so miserable." even something as silly as "What's that look for?" start these huge epic rap battles of history... without the rapping or the historical figures. They call this part of the relationship "Storming". Where you argue to discover your limits and the limits of the relationship. Where you push each other till you find out where the other person is going to say "STOP!!!!"
The thing is, you start to hurt each other so much. You say something without realising it's hurt a person, or something get's said to them that kicks off a line of thought that you play on without realising, and then they hurt you back and you don't know why - so you lash out back. It's this viscous cycle, and you have to sit down and talk like civilised people and work out where all the hurtful things come from.
And we do - we argue, yell, get so mad that we nearly break up, then start to talk, sit down and discuss everything for hours, make up... then in the morning it all seems to start over again.
The problem I think we're experiencing is that we talk about what's wrong, but never do anything to fix it Long Term. So the issues keep coming up - just in these little variations. It all comes down to the same problems.
I wonder to myself a lot of the time whether all relationships are like this, or whether people who keep arguing just haven't talked about what's wrong or find some new problem.
I keep thinking to myself "I would never have this problem with...." but then I can't really think of someone to put in there. I would put my best friend there, but I have no idea if these kind of problems might crop up if we were in a different situation. I mean, if I were to date my best friend he wouldn't be my best friend... you don't have the same issues with people in different 'relationship' slots. So I can't put a different person there - unless it's the whole "understanding each other" thing - but anyone you've known for years is going to know you better than someone you've only really known for 6 months - right?
The thing is, a majority of the problems that my boyfriend brings up are ones that I've completely dismissed because I assume, for one reason or another, that they can't be problems.
Like... for example... the insecurity of loosing one another. Now, I can't get rid of the insecurity that he'll find someone better - I mean, he's great, girls fall over themselves to get to him, I never thought he was even serious when he flirted with me, I can't see how I'm good enough for him.
But we argue and he'll act like I'm going to leave him for someone else. It's like... WHAT?? Stop turning things on their head you silly boy.
But I guess we all have these problems. You love someone, and you fall so hard that you worry they'll destroy your heart if they leave you... and you can't imagine someone feeling the same about you. When it turns out they do, you just feel like saying "But I love you more... so... how is that possible??"
Maybe that's just me?
I mean, I get paranoid that my friends are going to just turn round and say they don't like me really. Wait till they've got all they need from our friendship then go "Oh, you didn't think we were really friends... like I'd be friends with you..."
And, ok, that's from too many experiences of that at the all girls school I went to. Teenage girls are so snippy and bitchy like that. I don't know if it's because they're trying to protect themselves or what. But when you're always the butt of that kind of joke you really do start to feel like no one will ever ACTUALLY like you.
Part of me thinks that's what my real problem last year was with my best friend.
I was so ready to look for any hint of him not really being my friend that I turned little gestures into huge acts of 'un-friendship'. He proved me wrong. Maybe my boyfriend will have to do the same? I hope not, because that seems like a huge test to put someone through.
Speaking of test, why do I constantly feel like I have to prove my love for him?
Maybe I'm just crazy and don't feel good enough, or maybe it's just that I take little jokes to heart, or maybe I actually do. I mean, he's just got out of some really bad relationships, and I feel like I have to prove to him that I'm not like them. That I'm not going to cheat on him, or use him, or leave him because of uni, or buy a house without him getting to see it, or make his life a living hell.
But do I then expect him to prove he wont be an abusive ass hole to me too?
God, seriously complicated.
Problem is, my best friend has been having serious relationship problems too. Their partner isn't someone I know, so it's really really hard to give any advice. I mean, if someone's being quiet or not talking and you know them, you can tell whether there's something wrong, or if they're being shy, or if it's a relationship thing, if it's a life thing, if they're just thinking. When you know someone you can tell those things. When it's your partner you let your emotions and expectations get in the way of what's actually there - and you make these assumptions (which are often wrong) - especially when it's a new relationship or a new person.
Me and my best mate have often said that it's a shame you can't help your emotions, because we understand each other so fundamentally that we'd have a great relationship. Instead we both fell head over heals in love with other people.
Not a big deal for me - I fall in love easily enough. But for him, wow - he's tried falling for so many people, and failed miserably. Maybe if his partner understood that, they'd feel more special?
Have to cut this one short as I have to dash.
Blessed be
xx
I haven't had chance to write in so long because I've lately gotten into a pretty full on relationship.
We spend so much time together (what with us both living in my parents spare bedroom) that I never get chance to sit down and ramble.
The thing is, lately it feels like all we do is argue.
The words "Whatever", "Fine", and "What?" have never been able to spark a fight so quickly in my life. Hell, even a look can set us off lately. "Why are you looking at me like that?" or "Stop looking so miserable." even something as silly as "What's that look for?" start these huge epic rap battles of history... without the rapping or the historical figures. They call this part of the relationship "Storming". Where you argue to discover your limits and the limits of the relationship. Where you push each other till you find out where the other person is going to say "STOP!!!!"
The thing is, you start to hurt each other so much. You say something without realising it's hurt a person, or something get's said to them that kicks off a line of thought that you play on without realising, and then they hurt you back and you don't know why - so you lash out back. It's this viscous cycle, and you have to sit down and talk like civilised people and work out where all the hurtful things come from.
And we do - we argue, yell, get so mad that we nearly break up, then start to talk, sit down and discuss everything for hours, make up... then in the morning it all seems to start over again.
The problem I think we're experiencing is that we talk about what's wrong, but never do anything to fix it Long Term. So the issues keep coming up - just in these little variations. It all comes down to the same problems.
I wonder to myself a lot of the time whether all relationships are like this, or whether people who keep arguing just haven't talked about what's wrong or find some new problem.
I keep thinking to myself "I would never have this problem with...." but then I can't really think of someone to put in there. I would put my best friend there, but I have no idea if these kind of problems might crop up if we were in a different situation. I mean, if I were to date my best friend he wouldn't be my best friend... you don't have the same issues with people in different 'relationship' slots. So I can't put a different person there - unless it's the whole "understanding each other" thing - but anyone you've known for years is going to know you better than someone you've only really known for 6 months - right?
The thing is, a majority of the problems that my boyfriend brings up are ones that I've completely dismissed because I assume, for one reason or another, that they can't be problems.
Like... for example... the insecurity of loosing one another. Now, I can't get rid of the insecurity that he'll find someone better - I mean, he's great, girls fall over themselves to get to him, I never thought he was even serious when he flirted with me, I can't see how I'm good enough for him.
But we argue and he'll act like I'm going to leave him for someone else. It's like... WHAT?? Stop turning things on their head you silly boy.
But I guess we all have these problems. You love someone, and you fall so hard that you worry they'll destroy your heart if they leave you... and you can't imagine someone feeling the same about you. When it turns out they do, you just feel like saying "But I love you more... so... how is that possible??"
Maybe that's just me?
I mean, I get paranoid that my friends are going to just turn round and say they don't like me really. Wait till they've got all they need from our friendship then go "Oh, you didn't think we were really friends... like I'd be friends with you..."
And, ok, that's from too many experiences of that at the all girls school I went to. Teenage girls are so snippy and bitchy like that. I don't know if it's because they're trying to protect themselves or what. But when you're always the butt of that kind of joke you really do start to feel like no one will ever ACTUALLY like you.
Part of me thinks that's what my real problem last year was with my best friend.
I was so ready to look for any hint of him not really being my friend that I turned little gestures into huge acts of 'un-friendship'. He proved me wrong. Maybe my boyfriend will have to do the same? I hope not, because that seems like a huge test to put someone through.
Speaking of test, why do I constantly feel like I have to prove my love for him?
Maybe I'm just crazy and don't feel good enough, or maybe it's just that I take little jokes to heart, or maybe I actually do. I mean, he's just got out of some really bad relationships, and I feel like I have to prove to him that I'm not like them. That I'm not going to cheat on him, or use him, or leave him because of uni, or buy a house without him getting to see it, or make his life a living hell.
But do I then expect him to prove he wont be an abusive ass hole to me too?
God, seriously complicated.
Problem is, my best friend has been having serious relationship problems too. Their partner isn't someone I know, so it's really really hard to give any advice. I mean, if someone's being quiet or not talking and you know them, you can tell whether there's something wrong, or if they're being shy, or if it's a relationship thing, if it's a life thing, if they're just thinking. When you know someone you can tell those things. When it's your partner you let your emotions and expectations get in the way of what's actually there - and you make these assumptions (which are often wrong) - especially when it's a new relationship or a new person.
Me and my best mate have often said that it's a shame you can't help your emotions, because we understand each other so fundamentally that we'd have a great relationship. Instead we both fell head over heals in love with other people.
Not a big deal for me - I fall in love easily enough. But for him, wow - he's tried falling for so many people, and failed miserably. Maybe if his partner understood that, they'd feel more special?
Have to cut this one short as I have to dash.
Blessed be
xx
