Welcome to the Spiral of Life.
Please note the handrail to the left - for those on the upwards approach, and the slide to the right - for those wishing to descend quickly and easily.
Please be aware that your momentum can have an effect on those travelling by you, and that their momentum can have an effect on your own - especially if you choose to tie yourself to them.
The option of tying yourself to other travellers on the spiral is entirely optional, however it should be noted that they are capable of tying themselves to you without your prior permission. Cutting these ties can have a detrimental effect on momentum.
We hope you enjoy your time on the Spiral of Life.
Any queries/complaints should be taken up with one of the following:
Allah
Brahma
Buddha
God
Jesus
(for a full and exhaustive list of higher management, please turn to appendix DCLXVI)
Thank you, and good luck on your journey.
Okay, so maybe life isn't a spiral exactly - but that's how it feels at the minute. Like a spiral that I keep climbing up, sliding down, being dragged around...
My flat mate and best friend, Kaydee, is getting quite low at the minute because of her status as 'single'.
I know that feeling... but I have the opposite problem atm.
All these guys who keep doing the whole 'I love you - lets have sex' routine.
The only thing is, I don't know how to make them stop without hurting their feelings.
I mean - I pride myself on telling the truth... but lately I've been telling half-truths.
Like, saying to a friend "I love you" and meaning that I love them as a friend; that I'd die for them, provide for them, be there for them no matter what - but at the same time, they say "I love you" back meaning 'I'm in love with you - I love everything about you' or something like that...
So it's a half truth, you see, because they think I mean one thing when I mean another.
Sometimes it feels worse than lying; because it's pedantic. It makes out that they're in the wrong - when in reality, it's not..
So, here I am, being a total bitch by caring for someone and letting them think I care more than I do.
Even bigger bitch because I'm doing it to more than one person.
I want to clear the air with them. I really do.
I just don't know how.
It's driving me insane.
I'd say I'm being a whimp because I'm avoiding the issue; avoiding being hurt. But it's them I'm worried about.
I guess, in my mind, I'm just hoping it'll peter out on its own. You know? Just run its natural course and turn into the friendship I always wanted to have with them?
Naive? Maybe.
I guess I just don't want to be the one who says "Game Over".
It's stupid, because I know I have to deal with this.
I thought I had several times, but (damn me) I'm such a flirt that... somehow... it comes full circle.
The worst part is that I really play the part of being loved up.
I like acting that way with people though. I act that way with my friends.
People say "You seem so in love" and I just think - are you not paying attention?
I don't look at them with adoration. Okay - it's the only thing I can't affect.
Damn! I should have been an escort or something. I know how to make people feel loved.
That shouldn't be a bad thing!!!
Why has it turned into my fault, rather than my virtue?
Why has making people happy become a bad thing?
My mate said once that it was because I 'sell my body'. That's kinda prudish and untrue.
But I can see their point. After all, I'm the one who ends up feeling used at the end of the day.
I'm collecting poems together at the minute, and it's making want to express myself through poetry. I just wish I weren't so bad at it.
My attempt at expressing my frustration over this started with the lines:
I'm getting tired of dryin'
your eyes, and sick of tryin'
to be your shoulder while you're cryin'
and feeling like a orifice to stick your dick in
at which point I go - okay - stop. Breath. You said the word 'dick'... okay, it was for internal rhyming reasons, but you're also taking the 'g's off words to force the end rhyme... calm down.
See, that's the thing.
I'm getting really angry about it all.
Because the guys that are involved
don't seem to realise that I feel this way.
That I feel so betrayed.
That I give as much love as I can,
but when they're done 'being the man'
all I'm left with is a hole
that they think they've made whole...
They take my heart and pierce it,
with their pain and their love and their digit,
and I can barely feel it;
but when they go I'm left with
an open wound that I'm desperate
to fill with something
anything
just to stop the pain from pouring
out of that hole; the pain I'm storing
up for them, for everyone.
The pain of holding on.
The pain of knowing,
the pain that's growing,
with every breath I take,
and every day I wake,
and every moment with them,
and every time I do it again,
till there's nothing left.
My soul's bereft.
And all that's left to say
is "I was holding on for 'One Day'",
and remembering the way you felt
as you held my heart and kissed that welt,
and felt when you made it skip a beat
while you treated me as more than meat.
You've held my hand, and helped me grow,
in more ways than you'll ever know.
You give me hope, and even strength,
and fill me with your wonderment.
And so, for you, and yes - for me,
I'll cut them loose, and then you'll see
that I was just trying to help them
feel loved, and got it wrong...
Okay, so that was an accident - but hey.
I'm not going to bother editing it (like you're supposed to with poetry), because this is about raw feeling, and needing to express just how much I can't express it.
That's the thing though, I can. There's always a way to express it. You just have to find the way - right?
Words are like my comfort blanket. They wrap around me in a defensive pose, rebuffing anyone that tries to get close. They're like my feelings.
I've been using them in really horrible ways lately, because I've felt horrible.
Thing is, I've felt so horrible because I've been mad at myself - for everything. For not getting work done on time, for leaving things to the last minute, for loosing contact with people, for constantly getting things wrong, for saying things are okay when they aren't...
Mostly, I've felt bad about not being who I am.
That doesn't sound like it makes sense - but I'm sure you've been there. That point where you just go and be what you think people want you to be; or what you know they don't want you to be.
It's as if I've wanted everyone to feel as badly about me as I do. You try and show them you feel bad and they get all sympathetic and try to convince you otherwise. However, you start acting like a total bitch and being as horrible as you feel, and they start to feel that way too.
There's some twisted, depressed logic in there somewhere.
So now, with my best friend slapping me round the face with a wet fish (without realising it) and waking me up to the true reality (because no, I didn't realise that was what I was doing until now), I'm left with a new suitcase of emotional baggage to lug around - that I'm tempted to just set fire to and run away from - and a new problem/issue of needing to hurt some people in order to stop hurting them (if that makes sense).
Isn't life fun?
I suppose it isn't helpful that several of my friends have 'depressing issues' that are getting them really down, and I look at their problems and go... what?... okay - wanna trade?? Sure!! I'll have issues with not being able to get laid!! I'll take your self esteem issues that you seem to think I don't have!!
Everyone seems to have the same problems - they don't think they're good enough.
Well - I have news for those people that are mourning their own lack of confidence and lack of personal amazement -
Welcome to reality.
Welcome to the real world.
Welcome to life!!
So you thought that it would be different?
Well - if you're so upset about it - do something about it!
Don't like how people treat you? Confront them about it - give them reason to treat you differently.
Don't like yourself? Change.
Don't like the world? Do something about it.
This is my perspective at least. Which is why I'm trying to change. I don't like who I've been over the past year or so, but I like who I've been trying to be. So I'm gonna keep trying, and hopefully get there in the end.
As for now, I have work to do and tutor's to email.
Hope you're well!
Blessed be.
Please note the handrail to the left - for those on the upwards approach, and the slide to the right - for those wishing to descend quickly and easily.
Please be aware that your momentum can have an effect on those travelling by you, and that their momentum can have an effect on your own - especially if you choose to tie yourself to them.
The option of tying yourself to other travellers on the spiral is entirely optional, however it should be noted that they are capable of tying themselves to you without your prior permission. Cutting these ties can have a detrimental effect on momentum.
We hope you enjoy your time on the Spiral of Life.
Any queries/complaints should be taken up with one of the following:
Allah
Brahma
Buddha
God
Jesus
(for a full and exhaustive list of higher management, please turn to appendix DCLXVI)
Thank you, and good luck on your journey.
Okay, so maybe life isn't a spiral exactly - but that's how it feels at the minute. Like a spiral that I keep climbing up, sliding down, being dragged around...
My flat mate and best friend, Kaydee, is getting quite low at the minute because of her status as 'single'.
I know that feeling... but I have the opposite problem atm.
All these guys who keep doing the whole 'I love you - lets have sex' routine.
The only thing is, I don't know how to make them stop without hurting their feelings.
I mean - I pride myself on telling the truth... but lately I've been telling half-truths.
Like, saying to a friend "I love you" and meaning that I love them as a friend; that I'd die for them, provide for them, be there for them no matter what - but at the same time, they say "I love you" back meaning 'I'm in love with you - I love everything about you' or something like that...
So it's a half truth, you see, because they think I mean one thing when I mean another.
Sometimes it feels worse than lying; because it's pedantic. It makes out that they're in the wrong - when in reality, it's not..
So, here I am, being a total bitch by caring for someone and letting them think I care more than I do.
Even bigger bitch because I'm doing it to more than one person.
I want to clear the air with them. I really do.
I just don't know how.
It's driving me insane.
I'd say I'm being a whimp because I'm avoiding the issue; avoiding being hurt. But it's them I'm worried about.
I guess, in my mind, I'm just hoping it'll peter out on its own. You know? Just run its natural course and turn into the friendship I always wanted to have with them?
Naive? Maybe.
I guess I just don't want to be the one who says "Game Over".
It's stupid, because I know I have to deal with this.
I thought I had several times, but (damn me) I'm such a flirt that... somehow... it comes full circle.
The worst part is that I really play the part of being loved up.
I like acting that way with people though. I act that way with my friends.
People say "You seem so in love" and I just think - are you not paying attention?
I don't look at them with adoration. Okay - it's the only thing I can't affect.
Damn! I should have been an escort or something. I know how to make people feel loved.
That shouldn't be a bad thing!!!
Why has it turned into my fault, rather than my virtue?
Why has making people happy become a bad thing?
My mate said once that it was because I 'sell my body'. That's kinda prudish and untrue.
But I can see their point. After all, I'm the one who ends up feeling used at the end of the day.
I'm collecting poems together at the minute, and it's making want to express myself through poetry. I just wish I weren't so bad at it.
My attempt at expressing my frustration over this started with the lines:
I'm getting tired of dryin'
your eyes, and sick of tryin'
to be your shoulder while you're cryin'
and feeling like a orifice to stick your dick in
at which point I go - okay - stop. Breath. You said the word 'dick'... okay, it was for internal rhyming reasons, but you're also taking the 'g's off words to force the end rhyme... calm down.
See, that's the thing.
I'm getting really angry about it all.
Because the guys that are involved
don't seem to realise that I feel this way.
That I feel so betrayed.
That I give as much love as I can,
but when they're done 'being the man'
all I'm left with is a hole
that they think they've made whole...
They take my heart and pierce it,
with their pain and their love and their digit,
and I can barely feel it;
but when they go I'm left with
an open wound that I'm desperate
to fill with something
anything
just to stop the pain from pouring
out of that hole; the pain I'm storing
up for them, for everyone.
The pain of holding on.
The pain of knowing,
the pain that's growing,
with every breath I take,
and every day I wake,
and every moment with them,
and every time I do it again,
till there's nothing left.
My soul's bereft.
And all that's left to say
is "I was holding on for 'One Day'",
and remembering the way you felt
as you held my heart and kissed that welt,
and felt when you made it skip a beat
while you treated me as more than meat.
You've held my hand, and helped me grow,
in more ways than you'll ever know.
You give me hope, and even strength,
and fill me with your wonderment.
And so, for you, and yes - for me,
I'll cut them loose, and then you'll see
that I was just trying to help them
feel loved, and got it wrong...
Okay, so that was an accident - but hey.
I'm not going to bother editing it (like you're supposed to with poetry), because this is about raw feeling, and needing to express just how much I can't express it.
That's the thing though, I can. There's always a way to express it. You just have to find the way - right?
Words are like my comfort blanket. They wrap around me in a defensive pose, rebuffing anyone that tries to get close. They're like my feelings.
I've been using them in really horrible ways lately, because I've felt horrible.
Thing is, I've felt so horrible because I've been mad at myself - for everything. For not getting work done on time, for leaving things to the last minute, for loosing contact with people, for constantly getting things wrong, for saying things are okay when they aren't...
Mostly, I've felt bad about not being who I am.
That doesn't sound like it makes sense - but I'm sure you've been there. That point where you just go and be what you think people want you to be; or what you know they don't want you to be.
It's as if I've wanted everyone to feel as badly about me as I do. You try and show them you feel bad and they get all sympathetic and try to convince you otherwise. However, you start acting like a total bitch and being as horrible as you feel, and they start to feel that way too.
There's some twisted, depressed logic in there somewhere.
So now, with my best friend slapping me round the face with a wet fish (without realising it) and waking me up to the true reality (because no, I didn't realise that was what I was doing until now), I'm left with a new suitcase of emotional baggage to lug around - that I'm tempted to just set fire to and run away from - and a new problem/issue of needing to hurt some people in order to stop hurting them (if that makes sense).
Isn't life fun?
I suppose it isn't helpful that several of my friends have 'depressing issues' that are getting them really down, and I look at their problems and go... what?... okay - wanna trade?? Sure!! I'll have issues with not being able to get laid!! I'll take your self esteem issues that you seem to think I don't have!!
Everyone seems to have the same problems - they don't think they're good enough.
Well - I have news for those people that are mourning their own lack of confidence and lack of personal amazement -
Welcome to reality.
Welcome to the real world.
Welcome to life!!
So you thought that it would be different?
Well - if you're so upset about it - do something about it!
Don't like how people treat you? Confront them about it - give them reason to treat you differently.
Don't like yourself? Change.
Don't like the world? Do something about it.
This is my perspective at least. Which is why I'm trying to change. I don't like who I've been over the past year or so, but I like who I've been trying to be. So I'm gonna keep trying, and hopefully get there in the end.
As for now, I have work to do and tutor's to email.
Hope you're well!
Blessed be.
