Well, it's finally over. Three years of 'hard' work. Three years of life being turned upside down, then back to front, and once it finally settled into order it was time to pack and leave for good.
Leaving the latest house wasn't hard really. Okay - it was hard work running up and down stairs with boxes constantly... but I didn't get upset with leaving. I think because the place is falling down slowly; and I never fully got on with my flatmates. I miss the parties we had there more than I miss the place itself.
I miss sitting in the kitchen playing guitar.
I miss random friends walking in on me in my room and not giving a damn that I was getting changed.
I miss getting drunk, falling in baths, climbing on roofs, dancing in the kitchen and generally making too much noise.
But everyday living there was never very fun.
Struggles with flatmates over love lives, food, bills, noise, and everything else that comes with being stuck with people you barely know; having issues with heating, the shower deciding to leak through the ceiling and flood the kitchen table, the sinks blocking up, the boiler leaking, the fridge clogging up and leaking, the doors breaking, beds collapsing, and the damp!! Damn, the damp was terrible!
That house was not worth the money.
I miss my friends - though I'm trying to keep busy, keep occupied so I don't remember that back in Leicester I'd have been able to pop to a friends house, or be surprised by one of my friends coming over to say hi. I miss random nights in, or out, with people that I care about. I miss late night study sessions. I miss getting carried home drunk - or carrying friends home drunk - after a great night out.
In particular I miss my best friend.
He did a bit of a runner on all of us not long before we left (for a very valid reason btw), which I guess proves that no one can just deal with all their issues all the time - even super heroes. But he came back in the last few weeks, spending proper quality time with me and our other really close friend. So I guess in a way I was missing him before we left... but now it's just so much harder - because it's 128 miles between us now... a train journey that costs over £70... a car journey that costs more in petrol than a three course meal... and then there's family obligations and work to work around now too.
It's as if our freedom has been taken away. One second we're independent, free, living our lives how we want to... the next we're under someone else's rules, in someone else's home, obligated to go out and earn a living, find money for funding more years of learning... Welcome to the real world: you're a child again.
I suppose to an extent we were all expecting this kind of thing. Because, lets face it, you can't live with your parents and NOT be treated like a child to some extent.
Yes, it sucks. Yes, a lot of our parents try not to do it. Yes, some people live with their parents voluntarily till they're old and grey.
But after that taste of freedom.
After staying out as late as you like, buying your own food, drinking when you want to, learning about how NOT to run a house and pay bills... you kind of want to scream when you come back to not having control of your own life any more. When you can't just leave your light on because "Well I f*cking pay for the electric", or take a shower because "I pay for this water - I can use it when I like." Can't even raid the fridge when hunger strikes at an odd time of day - because you can't say "Well, it's my food... I'll eat it now if I want... and when it's gone it's gone." Suddenly you're in a house where 'grown-ups' pay for the bills, and the rent, and the food... and no matter if you contribute to those bills, or buy some of the food - the fact remains that you aren't EQUAL to the people you live with any more. The people you live with have cared for you for a majority of your life - and demand respect and deferral. You can't have a go at them if they don't do their share of cleaning; or if they use up all of the hot water; or if they leave the telly turned up at night when you're trying to sleep... because they're the parent and you're the child.
Yet - if you do anything they don't like "This is my house! And you'll live by my rules!!"
Feels unfair - right?
Oh well, I'm lucky really. My parents are really considerate and are just grateful I try and pull my weight around the house with chores. Basically - I try not to be a burden and they try not to be condescending.
I know a fair few of my friends don't have that luxury... which makes me sad.
You see - I'm really lucky. My parents are really supportive (okay - sometimes a little TOO supportive) and really try to help me out with what ever I decide I want to do. I go "Mum, Dad, I wanna move to London." They say "Are you sure? You've never even been to London..." and if I say "Yes - I'm sure." they simply nod and go "Okay - let's work out how to make this happen then."
Or - I say "What do you think of my new boyfriend?" and my Dad says "As long as your happy, I love them to bits."
See? It's really cool on one level...
But my friends parents....
One of my mates Dad told him off for taking a weekend shift: "But I was going to use you on Saturday!"... not "I was going to ask for your help." not "I was hoping you could do something for me" but "I was going to use you." No respect what so ever.
I mean - I have friends who I personally don't feel respect their parents enough *cough* DJ *cough*... but then again, respect is a two way thing. I just never really thought that parents could BE disrespectful... it actually never occurred to me. I mean, I close my door and am given complete privacy. Knock and wait to be let in kind of privacy. I don't get ordered about (okay, mainly because if ordered to do something I'll just argue and not do it, where as if it's half mentioned that something could do with doing I go do it practically straight away)... it just seems so wrong.
So yeah - I have these friends who's parents don't treat them right... and I kinda have that "I'll Save You!" attitude... and have to stop myself.
Reminder to self: you are NOT a super hero.
Then again, they get paid about as much as me (which is nada) so... I'm halfway there - right?
Yes, I got a job. No, I haven't been paid yet. No, I don't know if they're going to let me work more that one night a week. No, I'm not satisfied... but hey - £20 a week is better than nothing right?
I'm still looking for work.
The only thing is - I like this whole night work thing. It suits me. I can get up around 10/11 am, do what I want all day, then work till 2am, then bed! It works for me. I don't know why - it just does. Not to mention only working a few nights a week really free's up my schedule for going to see the new boyfriend.
Yes - I said boyfriend.
We started dating on the 11th of June... I haven't seen him in 2 weeks... I'm getting to the worried point where I think everything is going to go wrong and I'm going to break his heart, and I'm going to fail at yet another attempt at happiness.
Stupid thing is - I'm scared of hurting him... but there's nothing in me that thinks anything he can possibly do will hurt me. It's as if my hearts been messed with so many times it just stopped caring in that way. It has this impervious shielding where pain is involved. It just kinda runs off like warm ice cream. Sticky and opaque - but not harmful unless you're made of silk of velvet... or maybe electronics...
I don't know. I seem to have thrown myself into this body and soul... but shouldn't my heart have gone first? And don't you have to believe in a soul to throw one into anything?
So... I've thrown my body into this... that sounds wrong.
I don't know how to explain it. It's as if I've committed whole heartedly to this relationship thing and kept a ton of myself back. Okay, Okay - it's only been 3weeks... and I've not seen him for 2 weeks of that - what am I worrying about right??
I blame hormones and PMT and anything else feminine that allows me to over think these things, and get worried that I'm going to get it all wrong again.
But, for the first time in a hell of a long time, I can see myself settling down with a guy. I can see getting old with him, and maybe starting a family... I can see myself waking up to him every day - and it making me smile just to see him. I can see picking out furniture with this guy, and holding his hands until we both have to use walking frames to get anywhere - and even then we'd still be touching constantly.
I mean - the only other person I've been able to imagine spending eternity with in any way shape or form is my best friend Li.... and this is different. I guess that's why I'm freaking out - because it's 3 weeks... I shouldn't be thinking like this after 3 weeks with a guy. Am I just hugely infatuated? Am I flinging myself at a relationship because I suddenly have the urge to settle down? Am I rushing into something for all the wrong reasons? And does it matter?
Part of me says - just go with it!
The other part says - relationships cause families. Families are forever. Think before you commit to 'forever'.
But hey - this is just my insecurities coming out if I'm honest.
Right now I'm actually more worried about finances - and trying to get up enough funding so that I can apply for (and slowly pay off) a loan to do my Masters degree.
Okay - I'm more worried about the degree itself. I have to decide which one to go for to start with :- Adaptations, Research, or Independent. And then if I do one of the last two I have to write a proposed research subject and why I want to research it and why I don't think enough research has been done in that area... pretty darn daunting. Then I have to actually get the application in - and hope like hell that I actually HAVE got my 2:1 and can possibly be accepted.
I'm so nervous that I'm spending loads of time with my family - or sorting out my room (I'm still unpacking) - or seeing friends from Derby - or playing guitar. Anything to stop the little panic button from flashing up constantly.
Then I hold my newest niece, change her bum, give her a bottle, clean up her sick - and instantly the little hormone fairy starts screaming in my head "BABIES BABIES BABIES BABIES BABIES BABIES!!" - so yes, I'm getting rather broody a majority of the time.
The only thing is - Party life + fun.. or family and babies? It seems to be a distinct line to me. You either have a life of fun and friends and games... or you're a mum with kids to look after and a different kind of fun to have.
I hate decisions...
so...
RUN!!!
Oh well - it'll all be fine. I think the reason I'm stressing so much right now is because it basically IS decision time. Time to decide what to do with my life. Time to decide if I'm going to be a career woman, or a layabout, or a mum, or a dad... wait - what?
Anyway - I'm going to stop rambling now!!
Fare thee well
Blessed be.
xx
Leaving the latest house wasn't hard really. Okay - it was hard work running up and down stairs with boxes constantly... but I didn't get upset with leaving. I think because the place is falling down slowly; and I never fully got on with my flatmates. I miss the parties we had there more than I miss the place itself.
I miss sitting in the kitchen playing guitar.
I miss random friends walking in on me in my room and not giving a damn that I was getting changed.
I miss getting drunk, falling in baths, climbing on roofs, dancing in the kitchen and generally making too much noise.
But everyday living there was never very fun.
Struggles with flatmates over love lives, food, bills, noise, and everything else that comes with being stuck with people you barely know; having issues with heating, the shower deciding to leak through the ceiling and flood the kitchen table, the sinks blocking up, the boiler leaking, the fridge clogging up and leaking, the doors breaking, beds collapsing, and the damp!! Damn, the damp was terrible!
That house was not worth the money.
I miss my friends - though I'm trying to keep busy, keep occupied so I don't remember that back in Leicester I'd have been able to pop to a friends house, or be surprised by one of my friends coming over to say hi. I miss random nights in, or out, with people that I care about. I miss late night study sessions. I miss getting carried home drunk - or carrying friends home drunk - after a great night out.
In particular I miss my best friend.
He did a bit of a runner on all of us not long before we left (for a very valid reason btw), which I guess proves that no one can just deal with all their issues all the time - even super heroes. But he came back in the last few weeks, spending proper quality time with me and our other really close friend. So I guess in a way I was missing him before we left... but now it's just so much harder - because it's 128 miles between us now... a train journey that costs over £70... a car journey that costs more in petrol than a three course meal... and then there's family obligations and work to work around now too.
It's as if our freedom has been taken away. One second we're independent, free, living our lives how we want to... the next we're under someone else's rules, in someone else's home, obligated to go out and earn a living, find money for funding more years of learning... Welcome to the real world: you're a child again.
I suppose to an extent we were all expecting this kind of thing. Because, lets face it, you can't live with your parents and NOT be treated like a child to some extent.
Yes, it sucks. Yes, a lot of our parents try not to do it. Yes, some people live with their parents voluntarily till they're old and grey.
But after that taste of freedom.
After staying out as late as you like, buying your own food, drinking when you want to, learning about how NOT to run a house and pay bills... you kind of want to scream when you come back to not having control of your own life any more. When you can't just leave your light on because "Well I f*cking pay for the electric", or take a shower because "I pay for this water - I can use it when I like." Can't even raid the fridge when hunger strikes at an odd time of day - because you can't say "Well, it's my food... I'll eat it now if I want... and when it's gone it's gone." Suddenly you're in a house where 'grown-ups' pay for the bills, and the rent, and the food... and no matter if you contribute to those bills, or buy some of the food - the fact remains that you aren't EQUAL to the people you live with any more. The people you live with have cared for you for a majority of your life - and demand respect and deferral. You can't have a go at them if they don't do their share of cleaning; or if they use up all of the hot water; or if they leave the telly turned up at night when you're trying to sleep... because they're the parent and you're the child.
Yet - if you do anything they don't like "This is my house! And you'll live by my rules!!"
Feels unfair - right?
Oh well, I'm lucky really. My parents are really considerate and are just grateful I try and pull my weight around the house with chores. Basically - I try not to be a burden and they try not to be condescending.
I know a fair few of my friends don't have that luxury... which makes me sad.
You see - I'm really lucky. My parents are really supportive (okay - sometimes a little TOO supportive) and really try to help me out with what ever I decide I want to do. I go "Mum, Dad, I wanna move to London." They say "Are you sure? You've never even been to London..." and if I say "Yes - I'm sure." they simply nod and go "Okay - let's work out how to make this happen then."
Or - I say "What do you think of my new boyfriend?" and my Dad says "As long as your happy, I love them to bits."
See? It's really cool on one level...
But my friends parents....
One of my mates Dad told him off for taking a weekend shift: "But I was going to use you on Saturday!"... not "I was going to ask for your help." not "I was hoping you could do something for me" but "I was going to use you." No respect what so ever.
I mean - I have friends who I personally don't feel respect their parents enough *cough* DJ *cough*... but then again, respect is a two way thing. I just never really thought that parents could BE disrespectful... it actually never occurred to me. I mean, I close my door and am given complete privacy. Knock and wait to be let in kind of privacy. I don't get ordered about (okay, mainly because if ordered to do something I'll just argue and not do it, where as if it's half mentioned that something could do with doing I go do it practically straight away)... it just seems so wrong.
So yeah - I have these friends who's parents don't treat them right... and I kinda have that "I'll Save You!" attitude... and have to stop myself.
Reminder to self: you are NOT a super hero.
Then again, they get paid about as much as me (which is nada) so... I'm halfway there - right?
Yes, I got a job. No, I haven't been paid yet. No, I don't know if they're going to let me work more that one night a week. No, I'm not satisfied... but hey - £20 a week is better than nothing right?
I'm still looking for work.
The only thing is - I like this whole night work thing. It suits me. I can get up around 10/11 am, do what I want all day, then work till 2am, then bed! It works for me. I don't know why - it just does. Not to mention only working a few nights a week really free's up my schedule for going to see the new boyfriend.
Yes - I said boyfriend.
We started dating on the 11th of June... I haven't seen him in 2 weeks... I'm getting to the worried point where I think everything is going to go wrong and I'm going to break his heart, and I'm going to fail at yet another attempt at happiness.
Stupid thing is - I'm scared of hurting him... but there's nothing in me that thinks anything he can possibly do will hurt me. It's as if my hearts been messed with so many times it just stopped caring in that way. It has this impervious shielding where pain is involved. It just kinda runs off like warm ice cream. Sticky and opaque - but not harmful unless you're made of silk of velvet... or maybe electronics...
I don't know. I seem to have thrown myself into this body and soul... but shouldn't my heart have gone first? And don't you have to believe in a soul to throw one into anything?
So... I've thrown my body into this... that sounds wrong.
I don't know how to explain it. It's as if I've committed whole heartedly to this relationship thing and kept a ton of myself back. Okay, Okay - it's only been 3weeks... and I've not seen him for 2 weeks of that - what am I worrying about right??
I blame hormones and PMT and anything else feminine that allows me to over think these things, and get worried that I'm going to get it all wrong again.
But, for the first time in a hell of a long time, I can see myself settling down with a guy. I can see getting old with him, and maybe starting a family... I can see myself waking up to him every day - and it making me smile just to see him. I can see picking out furniture with this guy, and holding his hands until we both have to use walking frames to get anywhere - and even then we'd still be touching constantly.
I mean - the only other person I've been able to imagine spending eternity with in any way shape or form is my best friend Li.... and this is different. I guess that's why I'm freaking out - because it's 3 weeks... I shouldn't be thinking like this after 3 weeks with a guy. Am I just hugely infatuated? Am I flinging myself at a relationship because I suddenly have the urge to settle down? Am I rushing into something for all the wrong reasons? And does it matter?
Part of me says - just go with it!
The other part says - relationships cause families. Families are forever. Think before you commit to 'forever'.
But hey - this is just my insecurities coming out if I'm honest.
Right now I'm actually more worried about finances - and trying to get up enough funding so that I can apply for (and slowly pay off) a loan to do my Masters degree.
Okay - I'm more worried about the degree itself. I have to decide which one to go for to start with :- Adaptations, Research, or Independent. And then if I do one of the last two I have to write a proposed research subject and why I want to research it and why I don't think enough research has been done in that area... pretty darn daunting. Then I have to actually get the application in - and hope like hell that I actually HAVE got my 2:1 and can possibly be accepted.
I'm so nervous that I'm spending loads of time with my family - or sorting out my room (I'm still unpacking) - or seeing friends from Derby - or playing guitar. Anything to stop the little panic button from flashing up constantly.
Then I hold my newest niece, change her bum, give her a bottle, clean up her sick - and instantly the little hormone fairy starts screaming in my head "BABIES BABIES BABIES BABIES BABIES BABIES!!" - so yes, I'm getting rather broody a majority of the time.
The only thing is - Party life + fun.. or family and babies? It seems to be a distinct line to me. You either have a life of fun and friends and games... or you're a mum with kids to look after and a different kind of fun to have.
I hate decisions...
so...
RUN!!!
Oh well - it'll all be fine. I think the reason I'm stressing so much right now is because it basically IS decision time. Time to decide what to do with my life. Time to decide if I'm going to be a career woman, or a layabout, or a mum, or a dad... wait - what?
Anyway - I'm going to stop rambling now!!
Fare thee well
Blessed be.
xx
