It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Halloween.
Two weeks of planning. Four hours implementation; of latex application, painting, powdering, adding detail here and there. One red, one dead... all we need now is a redemption...
The joy of creating a zombie peters out though, and the blob of red in the mirror is almost too much to take.
The zombie finds his red demon, trying to talk herself into leaving her room, into not feeling like curling up in bed and never getting out of it. Normally he's a comfort, so why is it that she shys from him now? His hand comes up to cup her red cheek, and she turns away, practically flinching. I don't want you to see me like this. There are tears threatening to ruin her blushing skin, but he holds her in a state of perplexity and slowly convinces her to come out.
Soon they're at the next house on the list, painting faces, applying nails, drinking...
Everyone is having fun, so why does the fight start? It's just a game, but it turns real too quickly. She hides again, when no one is looking. Found again, this time with white eyes and cheeks where salt water has washed her red skin away. Again, she backs away from his touch. Again, she sees the confusion and hurt in his eyes. Again, she agrees to come out - but the damage is done. She's seen to much to believe her friend is still alive under the transformation, and knows that if it's true it's her fault.

Red pixies must cry on the inside; at least for the night.


You know what, I always thought that it was a paradox to say that it was the best of times and the worst of times. But I think I'm starting to understand.
The thing with life is that it's not one thing at a time. Maybe Tolstoy had an idea of quantum theory all those years back, where things are not either/or but both/and. Maybe not.
Still, it's interesting how our highs and lows not only flow into a progressive sequence, but also occur simultaneously.

It's hard to think of an example - but it's kinda like this:

You can spend your time with someone who makes you feel SO happy, who can make life seem like it can't possibly get any better; who makes you feel on cloud nine, filled with ecstasy. But at the same time you constantly have to remember that you can't be with that person in any intimate way - ever. That pain is like being dragged backwards through hell. But they're both happening at the same time. The best and the worst all rolled into one.
I don't know if that's real or not... it's just the best example I could come up with on short notice.

But it's like this year at uni. It's been the best and worst time of my life! I have this amazing flat full of incredible girls who I can laugh or cry with, I have all these friends who I spend so much time with, I'm enjoying my course finally, I'm feeling better and better about things... but on the other side of it there's my flat mates re-occurring suicide attempts, there's the fact that I have no money what-so-ever and may not be able to pay my rent next month, there's the over-bearing weight of the work load that's crushing me, and there's the boy problem that I can't even begin to go into.
I've never been so conflicted.

You try and throw yourself into work, but it just doesn't work. Like there's a force field - bouncing you back into the abyss of confusion. You say it's not fair - but in reality, it's you that isn't being fair. You're not being fair on life for going along in a manner that makes everything so much harder - and then blaming it on life instead of you.

I know that my problems are self-originating. So why can I not fix them?

Hmm...


Blessed Be xx