It's a line from Dante's Inferno.
When I started this blog I made the decision that each post's title would be a literary quote. Lately I've not been able to think of any that are interesting, or that work with the idea's floating around in my head. So I figured I'd open a book at random and see what it said.
Dante's Inferno just seemed like a good place to start. I was aiming for the middle, but ended up in Canto 1... just so you know Dante wrote 34 Canto's to "The Inferno"... yeah, I failed.
Then again, the words that jumped out of the page to greet me were:
The hour was the morning's prime, and on his way
Aloft the sun ascended with those stars,
That with him rose when Love divine first moved
Those its fair works: so that with joyous hope
All things conspired to fill me, the gay skin
Of that swift animal, the matin dawn,
And the sweet Season. ...
Now, if you know me - or if you've read my blogs before - you'll know that I'm rather cynical and (if we're being honest... which we normally are) rather depressing.
The thing is, lately I just feel like the world is this big fluffy ball of light.
Okay - exaggeration there. But it's as if everything has fallen into perspective. Or fallen into place maybe.
It's like my head has finally sorted itself out.
I know, I know - took blooming long enough! But better late than never.
I'm not saying that I'm suddenly little miss perfect or anything. Gosh, far from it! But I'm not worried any more. Not about the silly stuff at least.
I mean, I'm kinda worried about my mum (she goes in hospital for major surgery in just under a month), I'm a little worried about my sister - her pregnancies have a tendency to not run exactly smoothly, and I'm worried about Geoff and Di - neither of them are well. Pneumonia and gallstones... not fun!
I mean, I'm kinda worried about my mum (she goes in hospital for major surgery in just under a month), I'm a little worried about my sister - her pregnancies have a tendency to not run exactly smoothly, and I'm worried about Geoff and Di - neither of them are well. Pneumonia and gallstones... not fun!
But other than that, nothing seems like a major threat to the balance of life.
Maybe it's because I'm listening to such nice music lately.
Maybe it's because I'm at that part on my cycle where my hormones are FINALLY leaving me alone a little. The relief is palpable.
Maybe it's because I'm back in Leicester (YAAAY!!!) and have my own space again.
Or maybe it's just because I've started to actually take responsibility for myself (it's been a while since I did that).
The time apart from my friends has forced me to stand on my own feet. Okay - most of that time apart was spent either talking to them or laid around doing very little (other than reading). Still, there's this sense of having to do it on your own when you're apart from your support structure.
I mean, I don't cope well at my parents house. They want to do everything for me... but also want me to do everything... it's complicated and can cause a fair bit of friction.
I'm starting to notice a pattern of up and down.
When I'm up, there's nothing in the world than can bring me down.
When I'm down, nothing can bring me back up.
The only person who can shift me between total high and absolute low is my bestest best friend. He can sink my ship or hand me cloud nine with just a word at times. Strange that.
I guess he's the only one I've let close enough to my heart in a long time.
I mean, I've loved other people - I have! But none of them have had my trust or my confidence to that level. I always say I'll never close my heart off - never be cold like that. But there's still a barrier that erected itself around the very core of my being. A barrier that allows me to close people out when I really need to. That allows me to give them up when I need to.
I suppose it's my unconscious preparation to loose people. After being hurt that much from loosing someone you kind of don't want to hurt that way again. So you close off a little. Build a little wall around your inner-self that will keep you from falling apart too much if someone else disappears from your life.
Thing is, I think Li got walled up inside there too.
I mean, by the time I was making that little fortress I was already pushing everyone else away. There was nothing to push away with Li though. I tried to push him away anyway (and have continued to try on and off over the years - which has probably destroyed something of what friendship we had/have) but failed.
That's the real reason I can't imagine life without him though. Because there's nothing between him and my feelings. Not like with my other friends, where I've saved something of myself from them. Some tiny indescribable part that can be planted again and carry on without them if life steals them away.
I'm scared that there wouldn't be that little bit left if Li disappeared. That I'd have to start from scratch all over again (which I suppose is doable... but you get what I mean. It's not nice to have to start over with nothing).
Thing is, I'm not scared of that. Not in any real conscious way. It's just something in the back of brain somewhere filed away under "interesting observations". If I were scared of it I'd have made an escape plan - contingencies. Worked out ways to get over things... blah blah blah...
But like I say. I trust Li. I don't just trust him with my life, I trust him with my heart. Trust him not to hurt me. I can't say that about anyone else.
I suppose that's why I don't do well with the dating thing. How do you date when you can't trust anyone with your heart? Well, anyone else. Because you always end up with the distinction.
It always comes down to "Yes, I love you. Yes, I trust you.... but I trust him more."
Yeah - not met a guy (or girl) who can handle that one. Inferiority complex? Jealousy? Or does it just plain hurt to be told by your girlfriend/boyfriend/partner/potential partner that they trust someone else more than you?
I should probably find out from someone... but I'm worried that it's the latter. I don't really want to have hurt people - ever - so to think that I've hurt them through caring for someone else kinda messes with my emotional scale a little.
I mean, I'm sure there's a door in the wall somewhere to let someone else in. But the key seems to have been misplaced.
It'll take someone very special to get through there. A locksmith maybe... (*no C4 allowed!)
But you know what, I don't care.
I don't care if it takes a million years, or if it never happens. I don't care if the person who picks the lock is Li and he escapes.
Right now I'm happy. And everything I see just makes me happier.
If it's something bad, I feel happy that it's not hurting me. If it's good, I feel happy because it reflects my happiness.
I'm not sure if that even makes sense, but hey! It's all good... I think that's the general sentiment I'm trying to convey anyway ha!
So, these are the final days of my life as a 21year-old student...
I'm going to miss it. 21 has been my most odd, up and down, bonkers year of life. I've had some of the best highs and some pretty severe lows too. Lost and gained friends. Partied as hard as I could...
And through it all, I felt like a sexy, suave - hip, happening chick - so sure of myself, because I was Twenty-One. The age that epitomises youth and freedom, with all the benefits of having no restraints and none of the weight of responsibility.
Twenty-Two is when I buckle down and do some hard work, and hopefully pull myself up to a first class degree before finishing at this mad place that I've loved so much.
Normally I'd be overwhelmed by the amount of work that needs to be done - but somehow I'm relishing it.
I guess it's because it's an insane amount of work to have given myself. Helping out so much at DemonTV - learning extra equipment, learning to edit properly, going to all the meetings, volunteering for everything going - and not just that, I'm going out and having a social life - for the first time ever - and a secret project to work on with a couple of friends (shhhhh - it's a secret!!). And the work load I've wrangled for myself is a bit crazy too. Normal people split there timetable evenly between terms one and two - or make them first term heavy so they have the second term freer to do their dissertation in third year. Not me! I decided to do the half year modules all in my second term. I was only doing two last term, and I couldn't find the motivation to attend lectures. It felt pointless to get up and go in for only 4 hours a week.
With this much work I know I have to stay motivated or it will literally crush me. I don't work well under pressure unless it's rediculous. If I have time to breath with stuff I have a tendancy to loose my drive. With this hectic timetable, that I'm still trying to fit Gym and the secret project into - as well as keep up with my blogs (which now amount to far too many for a normal person to need might I add), and somewhere around April I need to start fitting in job hunting... it would probably help if I'd give up the partying. Not going to happen.
If I don't get to go dancing twice a month there's no point in being here anymore. I'm not going to be a shut in anymore. I prefere having fun.
So there.
I have three calendars up now. Two are whiteboards - you know, like a normal write-on wipe-off board, but with a grid on it labled monday to sunday that you can change the dates on every month - and all of them are full.
One is full of just dates, deadlines and notes for DemonTV - for example, my entry in monday 10th little box is telling me I have to have finished the technical script for the Quiz Show and have it emailed to the Gmail account by midnight, and the weekend before has notes in it like "Querry relaunch party?" or "Query ident".
Then the other one is mostly deadlines and birthdays. That's the paper one. It's boxes are the smallest.
The final one has all of my Course notes on it - like deadlines, the time of my first lecture each day, work that I need to be doing each week/day, scheduled in times for the library, colours dot here and there where I've remembered at the last minute routine things like going to the gym. It also has notes of when I'm supposed to go to my parents, and when I have time to do birthday present shopping... It's literally FULL of little black squiggles that, if you squint, turn into words.
Oh, and I finished my to-do lists about an hour ago.
One that's a weekly reading list (yeah, my list is so long I need a full whiteboard for each week) one that's things I need to do for DemonTV, then a Dissertation to-do list... oh and a chores/everyday to-do list (that reminds me whose presents I need to buy)
I've really gone big on the lists!
I'm trying to be organised....
Hey ! There's a first time for everything!
I'm one of those people who would end up with a room covered in post-it notes if I didn't have a little more self restraint.
Okay, restraint isn't what keeps me practically post-it free. The whiteboards do.
My friends will tell you I have far too many of them. But hey! I'd have my bedroom decorated as a white board if I could - that way you could write on the walls whenever you needed to remember something - and you could clean it off whenever you wanted to. That, to me, is epic.
I know you can get black-board paint... but I don't want to chalk things on the wall. I want to use a pen and feel it squeek in that soft, wet way that doesn't hurt your ears but feels like you're making a real... slidey... impact on the wall. Also the colours are brighter.
Wow, you can tell I'm really concentrating too much on sorting out my room and making lists... I'm talking about the most inane stuff!!
It started off so deep... and turned into a ball of fluff with ears and a tail...
Then again, I've been such a dumb-blonde lately it's scary.
It's as if someone took my common sense and replaced it with bubbles.
I mean - it's nice to be all bubbly and happy... but there are times where having a little bit of common sense is really really useful.
Like... you know... everyday life....
For example: going downstairs to wash your clothes and having the common sense to take the clothes down with you.
Or going down to get said wet washing without a basket, and having the common sense to fetch said basket instead of carrying wet things upstairs and therefor getting the clothes you're wearing wet...
Better still, locking a door and remembering that means you have your keys with you... so you don't get home and think you've locked yourself out of an empty house without your keys...
It's even simple things like remembering that things you heat up get hot and hot things burn.
Or that radiators only get warm if you turn them on...
Yeah, I've not been exactly 'with it'.
Normally it would bug the hell out of me, but it's too funny.
Some of the little faux pas's that I've made... just by reading words and phrases wrong, or mispronouncing words and saying something that is just so wrong, on so many levels, by accident. I think that maybe I've lost my mind... though I've been saying that meaning I'm crazy for years, so no one will really notice anyway!
I've been up 20hours now... I'm expecting to get tired soon... which is a pain in the bum, because it'll muck my body clock up if I go to sleep now.
So I think I'm going to stay up and read for a while.
I'm not really sure what happened to this blog post... I kept getting distracted...
Stupid shiney things!
Speaking of shiney things -
I have a shiney new blog! Creative Responsibility
It's another fiction based one, and has a lot of stuff from a fair while ago on it already. Copy&paste ftw!
So yeah, I've been trying to organise that. It's not exactly 100% yet, and there's not that much to read on it as of yet. Just Witch Way Round (up to the first bits of part 5, because it's still in progress) Layne and Kye (which was started years ago and never finished) up to chapter 11, then some little bits of writing like tiny snippets of "Dragon Hunter" as well as the start of "The Mad and the Mindless"...
Well, now you know practically the entire content... feel free to browse it!!
The basic idea is to us that one as my main base of operations.
I still prefere the input methods of blogger.com, and I'm not leaving this blog - no, you can't get rid of me that easily! But I should imagine my fictional blogs will slowly be left alone except for that one.
Oh! There's a links page too that you should probably check out!
The blogs in there are all from blogger, and are all really good to read. I've not put all my friends on there yet (because I was rushing and just picked a handfull to get the ball rolling) but there's also some good music links on there too - youtube ones - that are definitely worth a gander if you get chance.
Apart from that, I'm very much out of things to say.
All of my creativeness is kind of being poured into the fictional blogs and my music lately, so sorry these are going a bit down hill.
Though I have just remembered my flatmate is back!
Geraldine came back tonight - so I'm not on my own anymore. Still missing all my friends... but I was kinda enjoying having the house to myself. Oh well!
It was so funny, because Gee had forgotten her keys - all the way back at her boyfriends. Which is about 2 hours drive away. So I had to let her in (which wasn't a problem)... but the problem came when we realised that she had locked her bedroom door before she left for Christmas.
I offered her and her boyfriend my bed (its a giant double) - god I was glad that I'd cleaned the sheets earlier! It would have been so embarrassing to have a smelly bed and offer it to someone else to lay in - but they wouldn't hear of it. Wouldn't push me out of my own bed.
Thing is, there's a little sofa they could sleep on downstairs in the freezing cold kitchen, or a floor in the back room that they could lay on.
The choose to camp.
We had just set it up with the sofa cushions, my pillows and duvet (there's a spare single quilt in the cupboard that I swapped them for) and a random sleeping bag (that I think may have come with the house... I'm not entirely sure), when I decide it would be funny to try my bedroom door key in her lock.
Gee didn't care. She thought I was a bit silly...
... until I called out that her door was unlocked, and they could sleep in there for the night...
Yeah, we have identical locks on our doors. How creepy is that?
Good job we trust each other!!
So we dismantled the make-shift camp and they've been tucked up in bed for a good six hours or so now!
Glad they didn't have to sleep on the floor... but at the same time I'm a little worried that I spoilt the fun of the adventure.
I'm sure I'll find out later today.
Well! I hope you're enjoying the new year.
Congratulations to Jodie on a lovely new nephew!! Glad he and your sister are okay!
Can't wait for the weekend when everyone comes back.
Miss everyone so much.
Blessed Be xx
I'm not sure if that even makes sense, but hey! It's all good... I think that's the general sentiment I'm trying to convey anyway ha!
So, these are the final days of my life as a 21year-old student...
I'm going to miss it. 21 has been my most odd, up and down, bonkers year of life. I've had some of the best highs and some pretty severe lows too. Lost and gained friends. Partied as hard as I could...
And through it all, I felt like a sexy, suave - hip, happening chick - so sure of myself, because I was Twenty-One. The age that epitomises youth and freedom, with all the benefits of having no restraints and none of the weight of responsibility.
Twenty-Two is when I buckle down and do some hard work, and hopefully pull myself up to a first class degree before finishing at this mad place that I've loved so much.
Normally I'd be overwhelmed by the amount of work that needs to be done - but somehow I'm relishing it.
I guess it's because it's an insane amount of work to have given myself. Helping out so much at DemonTV - learning extra equipment, learning to edit properly, going to all the meetings, volunteering for everything going - and not just that, I'm going out and having a social life - for the first time ever - and a secret project to work on with a couple of friends (shhhhh - it's a secret!!). And the work load I've wrangled for myself is a bit crazy too. Normal people split there timetable evenly between terms one and two - or make them first term heavy so they have the second term freer to do their dissertation in third year. Not me! I decided to do the half year modules all in my second term. I was only doing two last term, and I couldn't find the motivation to attend lectures. It felt pointless to get up and go in for only 4 hours a week.
With this much work I know I have to stay motivated or it will literally crush me. I don't work well under pressure unless it's rediculous. If I have time to breath with stuff I have a tendancy to loose my drive. With this hectic timetable, that I'm still trying to fit Gym and the secret project into - as well as keep up with my blogs (which now amount to far too many for a normal person to need might I add), and somewhere around April I need to start fitting in job hunting... it would probably help if I'd give up the partying. Not going to happen.
If I don't get to go dancing twice a month there's no point in being here anymore. I'm not going to be a shut in anymore. I prefere having fun.
So there.
I have three calendars up now. Two are whiteboards - you know, like a normal write-on wipe-off board, but with a grid on it labled monday to sunday that you can change the dates on every month - and all of them are full.
One is full of just dates, deadlines and notes for DemonTV - for example, my entry in monday 10th little box is telling me I have to have finished the technical script for the Quiz Show and have it emailed to the Gmail account by midnight, and the weekend before has notes in it like "Querry relaunch party?" or "Query ident".
Then the other one is mostly deadlines and birthdays. That's the paper one. It's boxes are the smallest.
The final one has all of my Course notes on it - like deadlines, the time of my first lecture each day, work that I need to be doing each week/day, scheduled in times for the library, colours dot here and there where I've remembered at the last minute routine things like going to the gym. It also has notes of when I'm supposed to go to my parents, and when I have time to do birthday present shopping... It's literally FULL of little black squiggles that, if you squint, turn into words.
Oh, and I finished my to-do lists about an hour ago.
One that's a weekly reading list (yeah, my list is so long I need a full whiteboard for each week) one that's things I need to do for DemonTV, then a Dissertation to-do list... oh and a chores/everyday to-do list (that reminds me whose presents I need to buy)
I've really gone big on the lists!
I'm trying to be organised....
Hey ! There's a first time for everything!
I'm one of those people who would end up with a room covered in post-it notes if I didn't have a little more self restraint.
Okay, restraint isn't what keeps me practically post-it free. The whiteboards do.
My friends will tell you I have far too many of them. But hey! I'd have my bedroom decorated as a white board if I could - that way you could write on the walls whenever you needed to remember something - and you could clean it off whenever you wanted to. That, to me, is epic.
I know you can get black-board paint... but I don't want to chalk things on the wall. I want to use a pen and feel it squeek in that soft, wet way that doesn't hurt your ears but feels like you're making a real... slidey... impact on the wall. Also the colours are brighter.
Wow, you can tell I'm really concentrating too much on sorting out my room and making lists... I'm talking about the most inane stuff!!
It started off so deep... and turned into a ball of fluff with ears and a tail...
Then again, I've been such a dumb-blonde lately it's scary.
It's as if someone took my common sense and replaced it with bubbles.
I mean - it's nice to be all bubbly and happy... but there are times where having a little bit of common sense is really really useful.
Like... you know... everyday life....
For example: going downstairs to wash your clothes and having the common sense to take the clothes down with you.
Or going down to get said wet washing without a basket, and having the common sense to fetch said basket instead of carrying wet things upstairs and therefor getting the clothes you're wearing wet...
Better still, locking a door and remembering that means you have your keys with you... so you don't get home and think you've locked yourself out of an empty house without your keys...
It's even simple things like remembering that things you heat up get hot and hot things burn.
Or that radiators only get warm if you turn them on...
Yeah, I've not been exactly 'with it'.
Normally it would bug the hell out of me, but it's too funny.
Some of the little faux pas's that I've made... just by reading words and phrases wrong, or mispronouncing words and saying something that is just so wrong, on so many levels, by accident. I think that maybe I've lost my mind... though I've been saying that meaning I'm crazy for years, so no one will really notice anyway!
I've been up 20hours now... I'm expecting to get tired soon... which is a pain in the bum, because it'll muck my body clock up if I go to sleep now.
So I think I'm going to stay up and read for a while.
I'm not really sure what happened to this blog post... I kept getting distracted...
Stupid shiney things!
Speaking of shiney things -
I have a shiney new blog! Creative Responsibility
It's another fiction based one, and has a lot of stuff from a fair while ago on it already. Copy&paste ftw!
So yeah, I've been trying to organise that. It's not exactly 100% yet, and there's not that much to read on it as of yet. Just Witch Way Round (up to the first bits of part 5, because it's still in progress) Layne and Kye (which was started years ago and never finished) up to chapter 11, then some little bits of writing like tiny snippets of "Dragon Hunter" as well as the start of "The Mad and the Mindless"...
Well, now you know practically the entire content... feel free to browse it!!
The basic idea is to us that one as my main base of operations.
I still prefere the input methods of blogger.com, and I'm not leaving this blog - no, you can't get rid of me that easily! But I should imagine my fictional blogs will slowly be left alone except for that one.
Oh! There's a links page too that you should probably check out!
The blogs in there are all from blogger, and are all really good to read. I've not put all my friends on there yet (because I was rushing and just picked a handfull to get the ball rolling) but there's also some good music links on there too - youtube ones - that are definitely worth a gander if you get chance.
Apart from that, I'm very much out of things to say.
All of my creativeness is kind of being poured into the fictional blogs and my music lately, so sorry these are going a bit down hill.
Though I have just remembered my flatmate is back!
Geraldine came back tonight - so I'm not on my own anymore. Still missing all my friends... but I was kinda enjoying having the house to myself. Oh well!
It was so funny, because Gee had forgotten her keys - all the way back at her boyfriends. Which is about 2 hours drive away. So I had to let her in (which wasn't a problem)... but the problem came when we realised that she had locked her bedroom door before she left for Christmas.
I offered her and her boyfriend my bed (its a giant double) - god I was glad that I'd cleaned the sheets earlier! It would have been so embarrassing to have a smelly bed and offer it to someone else to lay in - but they wouldn't hear of it. Wouldn't push me out of my own bed.
Thing is, there's a little sofa they could sleep on downstairs in the freezing cold kitchen, or a floor in the back room that they could lay on.
The choose to camp.
We had just set it up with the sofa cushions, my pillows and duvet (there's a spare single quilt in the cupboard that I swapped them for) and a random sleeping bag (that I think may have come with the house... I'm not entirely sure), when I decide it would be funny to try my bedroom door key in her lock.
Gee didn't care. She thought I was a bit silly...
... until I called out that her door was unlocked, and they could sleep in there for the night...
Yeah, we have identical locks on our doors. How creepy is that?
Good job we trust each other!!
So we dismantled the make-shift camp and they've been tucked up in bed for a good six hours or so now!
Glad they didn't have to sleep on the floor... but at the same time I'm a little worried that I spoilt the fun of the adventure.
I'm sure I'll find out later today.
Well! I hope you're enjoying the new year.
Congratulations to Jodie on a lovely new nephew!! Glad he and your sister are okay!
Can't wait for the weekend when everyone comes back.
Miss everyone so much.
Blessed Be xx
