Leave me alone, I'm lonely.

Something snaps inside. I can't take any more. 
His text flashes up:

"I wish you were here."


Well, I'm glad I'm not - thankyouverymuch.


The phone is tossed on the table beside my laptop, and I scan over what I've written. Suddenly I can't find the motivation to carry on this stupid technical script. I was doing fine! I mean, sure, it was a struggle to get out of bed today... and sure, I've missed my lectures... but I was doing okay! I was getting the silly script finally done and out of the way.
So why can I suddenly not write any more?


I'd say some days it's hard... but I'd be lying. It's always hard. It is for most people.
Most days you kick yourself out of bed, get clean, go face the day. 
Why is today different?


I guess it's because of last night.


Last night was depressing because my friends were low... and because I started realising things about myself. Things that have been resurfacing now and then. Memories slowly fitting themselves into a pattern for me.
I figure it'll change one day. The picture will suddenly be different, and I'll be able to accept men as equals rather than the challenge. I'll be able to connect with someone and make love - rather than close off during intimacy. I'll be able to accept it all and smile, and say "Yes, but it made me who I am - and I wouldn't change a thing!"

Maybe that will never happen, but here's to hoping.


I run a hand through my hair and grab the phone back up. This time I take it with me and dive into my silky bed. 


I will not cry. I will not cry.


The tears stay checked and I look at my phone for a moment. Maybe I should just ride this out. Get through it. I'll be fine.
My thumb scans softly sideways through home screens and taps the little icon labelled 'Libor' without thinking. 

I'll just see how he is... Maybe he's finished working for today...


"Hello?" There's voices and general noise in the background. I'm so used to this that I'm pretty sure I can name the building. I'm betting on Queens.


"Hey, how you doing?"


"I'm alright. Are you?" There's the first hint of concern in his voice. I'd not even let mine wobble though! 


"I'm fine." I lie, "What you up to? Are you busy?"

A slight sigh on his end lets me know he wishes he were in bed. "Well... I'm just editing some stuff at the mo. Then I've got a meeting soon with Amy... then marketing... Why? What's up?"


I normally get defensive at being asked 'what's up?' - partly because it makes it sound like I need something ... mostly because I'm normally asked when there's nothing wrong.
"Nothing!" I lie again, though - even to me - my voice sounds overly bright, with dew drop tears clinging to it here and there "Just thought you might be finished by now!"


"Mm, yeah. We finished the shoot, but now we're up in Avid doing some editing." (Yes, I was right - Avid is in Queens) "Seriously - how are you?"

I pause, torn between the lie and breaking down. "Not great..." I opt for truth "I could just do with a kick up the bum is all." The tears are starting to seep into my voice, though my eyes aren't letting them go yet. "I'm fine. I'll see you in Marketing."

"Are you in bed right now?"
God he's good. Knows me far too well.


"Maaaaaybe..?" 


Another sigh - this time more of a 'chuh' outwards huff; distracted. "How long does it take to get to yours from here?"

"Um.. like... 20 mins? Wait - what? No..."


"Okay, see you soon."

"No! Li!! You're busy! Don't you dare! I'll see you in marketing."

"Okay. See you later."


Well. That was fun. What did you do that for?


I look blankly at my phone for a second, before burying my face in the pillows. Where does all this pain keep welling up from?
For a moment I let it overwhelm me. The pain becomes physical, raking through my body like a million razor blades; my chest floods with heat and my breathing becomes tight as I let the tears come, pooling in my pillow as I gasp for breath between sobs. 


Slowly it eases though, as if I'm pulling it back into myself; letting it out in reverse. I claw it all back, along with my control. The crying dies down into sniffles, and I wipe away the remaining tears with the back of my teddy. 


Looking around I see a rack full of dry clothes, a heap of washing to be done, a pile of unsorted paperwork... I don't want to get out of bed; I want to stay here and cry some more - but that's not going to help.


"Get up. Come on, get up and sort yourself out."


I'm by my desk before I can give my self time to weasel out of it. 


Music. I need music. Happy music.


The dance songs come on, and I force myself to bounce around to them. Soon, I'm not trying to enjoy them, I am doing. My washing gets put away as I shake my bum in the more ridiculous form of dancing (that one that mums reserve for dusting and tidying). My laundry basket is carried downstairs to the swaying rhythm of 'Tic Tock'. 


It's only once I'm feeling better that I hear the doorbell go. 


There he is, stood with a bag full of lunch, ready to make everything okay again.
Li - come to save the day. 
My knight in shining armour, and he doesn't believe me that I'm okay now. Irony strikes again.




The thing is that I can't explain what was wrong.
Not properly at least - because I don't really understand what's wrong.


The guy tells me he loves me, and I get mad, then upset, then turn to Li and want to cry.
It doesn't make sense.
Being told "I love you", "I miss you", "I wish I were there", should make you feel good, happy, in-love... 
but it doesn't. It makes me feel nauseous and annoyed.


I'm starting to think it's because it feels like a lie. 
Not just because I don't feel it. Not just because I want to scream "I'm Not In Love With You!!" into their faces and run away forever. But because it feels like, even if I did, they would be like - "Oh.. okay - can we still have sex?" Because it feels as if they don't care at all, they just want what I'll give if they think that we're "in-love". 


I suppose my frustration is because I want to make them see that they don't even know what love IS. Because love isn't about kissing, and sex, and 'pleasing' the other person. Love is about just wanting to spend time with a person; about wanting to hold their hand just so you can be close to them. Sex always seems like an ulterior motive to me. 


I've probably said this before, but I hate sex. It's not just complication - it's pain, and it's selfish.
My friends talk about a connection. About being so close to someone you just are them at the same time...
I've been with enough people enough times to know about sex; and I've never felt that.
Need - yes. Desire - yes. Pleasure - of course. 
But at the end of the day, it's still just me, and it's still just them. No deep, meaningful stuff. No merging of beings. No love.


Sex isn't love to me. The two aren't even overlapped in my mind any more. They're practically mutually exclusive.
I've felt closer, and more connected - more in-love - more part of someone else by just laying with them; snuggling... maybe even kissing.


Odd that while kissing the world melts away, and there's only the two of us left - unending, separated by nothing but our own desire to remain whole on our own...
...yet it gets to penetration and I withdraw. 


Maybe I've just never trusted anyone 100%. 


I lay on the bed next to Li as he produces sandwiches from his bag, and drinks. I'm not hungry, but I feel bad for dragging him away from everything and then refusing his gift. I take the drink and chastise him light heartedly for buying me things - for leaving his meetings when I said not to. I open my mouth to ask why he came, to tell him he didn't have to - but stop.


I'd have done the same. I realise. I'd drop everything for him if he needed me.


So I just shake my head and smile. 
It's been a while since the discovery that he cared for me as much as I cared for him rocked my world. I still forget. I'm not used to it - not at all. Not used to having someone even pretend to return the devoted feelings I have without physical payment.
As I look at him sat on my bed, eating his 'reduced price' sandwich, I realise that the reason I care so much for this boy is because he's never wanted anything from me. He's always just given freely everything he had - and never demanded anything in return. 
The concept isn't foreign to me. I've always been the same. What is foreign is someone else being that way - especially a boy.


He looks up at me as if he's been caught doing something wrong, or embarassing. His hands are still cradling the sandwich not far from his mouth.


"What?" he asks, staring into my eyes. 


Damn, you must have been staring again.


"What?" I return, making my eyes go round and innocent. I wasn't thinking about you being too damn amazing for your own good! Honest!


"What were you looking at?"


"You...?" stick to the truth. I manage to make it a question - as if the answer so obvious my question is more 'what else would I be looking at?'


He finally drops the subject after a little tête-a-tête. 
Things are often like that with us. It's like playing verbal keep-away. You dodge the question until they catch you and you give in, or until they drop the subject. I don't just mean me and Li; it's all of us - all our friends. 
Sometimes you can just force the subject to change - well, I can at least, I don't know about the others. You just get a bit stern, and people back away. It's great.
But I don't normally get stern with Li. Mainly because he trumps my sternness with his own brand of 'Man-of-the-house' stern-voice. My 'dad-voice' doesn't quite match up. 


Part of me is glowing with a warm pride anyway. A pride in myself for not wallowing until someone came to pull me from the mire. Pride in pulling myself out of the pit of despair and kicking myself up the bum. 
I think I might actually be forging some kind of independence. 
About bleeding time.


We sit and talk for an hour or so, half dodging phone calls from friends asking where we are and if we're okay. It's hard to say "Just leave us alone" really.
I suppose that's why sometimes I wish we were a couple. That way we'd be able to say "Can we have some alone time" - or, not even that, just go off with each other - and no one would bother us. No one would question it. It would be 'normal' for us to want alone time. 
Ah, if only things were that simple. 


Part of my mind frowns at the situation. 


Why can't it be that simple?


It isn't petulant; it isn't the "It's not fair" voice - it's the voice of reason saying "Well, why can't you go to University if you want to?"
You know, the voice that say's 'your arguments against what you want to do are totally silly and ridiculous - in fact, they don't even exist!'


It's asking "What's stopping you?"
There's a list about a mile long if I'm honest. 
Main reasons?
a) 'intimacy' would be expected... and there's a huge complication with that which I wont go into right now.
b) neither of us are really ready for a 'mutually exclusive' thing with anyone.
c) if we felt that way about each other, we'd already be dating.


Not only that, but getting with someone just so that you can have time alone with them seems a pretty silly reason in the first place.


I don't have to say any of it to Li - he already knows. 


I think of all those people who've commented in the past:
"oh, why aren't you two together?" 
"you make such a cute couple" 
"isn't he your boyfriend?"
"Are you two dating yet?"

I mean, a majority of the girls I know (okay, most of the ones Li and I both know) would happily jump into bed with him - or marry him - in a heart beat (not that he realises this). So I get that they might think that being as close as me and Kaydee are to him one of us should be 'in-there'... well, I think I get it... 
And I get that we sneak off together more often than most actual couples do... 
So I understand where the speculation comes from - I guess...


Doesn't matter how many times I (or he, or we) say "It's our business - stay out" the speculations keep coming. They just kinda move to behind our backs.
Maybe it's because we have a relationship that no-one else seems to have.


I mean, he and Kaydee get the same speculation. They make out a lot, and spend time together a lot... but in the end, that's just not what their relationship is... you know?
The only thing stopping them being a couple is them not wanting to be one. Same as us. 


I loose track of the conversation a couple of times while my mind floats around a few more subjects. 


I think about Will, and how he says he loves me. How he wants to be in a relationship.
I think of how I can't even begin to handle that.
It's not just him being far away - though that's a big part of it really - it's that I've never trusted him. Not properly. And it's not just with my feelings, or with the truth - not just normal things like cheating, or lying - it's things like trusting him to stay alive.
Maybe this is selfish, but I don't think I can stand to loose someone like that again. Death is just too permanent. I don't do permanent.


Then there's DJ... and I just don't know what to think there. How do you believe someone when they say the same things to you as they did your best friend - only to turn round months later and say the opposite?
I mean, I feel something for him... and even if it isn't as strong as what I feel for my friends, or as deeply rooted in desire as my feelings for Will... it's still something; and it's comfortable. Like with an old acquaintance - the slight lack of true feeling gives enough distance for this easy comfort. 
Don't get me wrong, I loved him. 
Not as intensely as I maybe portrayed... but... still... it was there.


So why do I not feel it the same way any more?
And why do I never tell him I feel differently to then?


I shake my head with confusion and start a new subject with Li. 
Anything to keep my mind from love and my lack of kindness in it.


No wonder only the crazy boys are attracted to me. 
Loving me is pain. 
I seem to make sure of that.
Though I'm not sure how - or that I like it.


My shining knight is trying to persuade me to eat the other sandwich, and I'm finally distracted by trying to come up with a better excuse than "I'm not hungry"... since apparently that's not a good enough excuse. 
After a while we just sit and laugh. 
The power of a true friend.


Strange how when all I want is to be alone, I'm still happy being with him.


I guess that's how you can tell a person's closer to you than skin - when being with them is so comfortable it's like being alone, without any pressure to put on the show, or be someone else.




Blessed Be xx

A few quiet drinks...

So, it's Tuesday, and I'm sat here, looking back (as always) on the silly things I've done lately.

For once, I can honestly say - the silly stuff was fun; and the stuff I should regret is the stuff that makes me smile the most.
Sadly, there's still a bunch of stuff that I regret. Then again - isn't that just life?

Things I don't regret:

• Making epic amounts of Rum/Vodka/Sambuca punch at Kaydee's 21st
• Making out with everyone attending Kaydee's 21st
• Turning our flat mate a little bit gay at Kaydee's 21st
• Dressing up at midnight to surprise Kaydee on her birthday
• Walking through Leicester in said costumes with Libor on our way to surprise Kaydee
• Making up with a boy who needed help
• Holding said boy while he flinched and cried out trying to get to sleep
• Cutting my hair off
• Leaving early on nights out

I could go on...

Things I do regret:

• Disappearing for 3-4 hours with a boy while a friend was over (no, we didn't do anything)
• Allowing assumptions to be held about me
• Not curbing my own emotions

I'm always surprised out how few regrets I have. I suppose it's because my mum always told me that she didn't regret anything - and that I shouldn't either. You live with your decisions, so you should think about them before you make them - and if you don't think about them first, you should just enjoy having been spontaneous and brave enough to do it in the first place.

There's a distinction here that I should point out. While I don't have regrets in my own actions (exactly), there are things that I do, or that happened and I kinda blame myself for, that make me sad. Like, for instance, that look that someone close to me gives me on occasion... it's a look that's so sad... and I catch them looking at me with that face just after doing something that could possibly evoke a sad(ish) feeling...
Now, that is my main problem right now.
This person means a hell of a lot to me; and though I'm not sure, I think I might be hurting them.
If I am, it'll be the biggest regret on my list. But I can't tell... I just can't...

With them, it's always been easy. We've known each other inside and out - understood each other on a level I didn't think actually existed outside of fairy-tales and romantic novels. But lately there's this wall between us. I can't tell if I'm reading them right any more. I can't just look in their eyes and know any more. Does that mean we're drifting apart?
I'd say it does... but it more feels like being thrust out. I feel 'unwelcome'. As if they don't want to share any more, and have purposefully dropped an iron curtain between us to protect them from my intrusiveness. Shame that they don't seem to understand me any more either. Not like before.

I suppose all things change though.
I'm just not... how to put this?... I'm not used to not understanding.
I hate change at the best of times - it throws me off and I get all unsure. I hate being unsure. But when it's a friend that changes it's even weirder.
Thing is, they haven't changed. They've just changed to me; and I'm left standing trying to work out in what way things have changed, and if it's them or just my perspective...

Stuff is just all complicated at the minute. Has been all year if I'm honest.
Okay, so I know that life is always complicated - but this is like a 9.0 where as it's normally about a 4.7...
Feels like it's just cranked up to a 9.4 too!

So, the few quiet drinks of Kaydee's 21st birthday...
They weren't so quiet.
Could you guess??

My word - things nearly got out of hand if I'm honest.
Somehow, just chilling out turned into just about making out... then spin the bottle started... then pass the ice... then "let's split off into couples"...
In the end we all just laid in one bed kissing, cuddling - probably groping too in places. No clothes removed (thankfully) though.
As fun as it was (we were all surprisingly comfortable with it to be honest) I kinda couldn't handle it after a while.

See... there was someone in the pile of bodies that I have actual feelings for.
There were also two people in the pile who have actual feelings for another person.
The whole thing was a messy pile of unquenched sexual tension and pain.

Maybe I was the only one who was attuned to it (I am an empath after all). Maybe I was the only one sober enough to register it above the primal urges that were running rampant in the house. Or maybe everyone else didn't mind so much; figured the good outweighed the bad - or that the bad they were inflicting on the other people (jealousy was rife) made it worth while. Maybe they like a little bit of bad thrown in with the good. I don't know.
What I do know is that I've had more than enough making out in the past few weeks that was flavoured by my own pain, and/or someone else's, to be overwhelmed by the feeling.

Only my housemates (and Jodie) noticed - and that was only as everyone left (or after everyone left) - because I finally started tearing up. Not much, but enough to let out the excess hurting. Enough to relieve the pressure sort of thing.
I blame it on not feeling well and thinking that ethanol was a good thing to ingest.
I've found that, while I don't get drunk easily, alcohol lowers my ability to reign in my emotions.

So there I was, five past 3, blubbing on the sofa to my housemate who I'd spent a large portion of the night kissing, making out with and generally turning gay. I say blubbing, because it's not really crying when you leak a few tears, pull yourself together, talk for half an hour and then leak some more. Not in my books.
I've cried my heart out before. Many a time.
I know what real crying is.
Anything that lasts more than a minute might be classed as crying still.

Thing is, I can't even explain to myself what made me want to cry.
I sat up talking to Helen about my feelings for hours. But none of that explains why I practically cried.

I have this theory that I've already cracked under the pressure of life.
This is just some kind of residual humour that's been left behind in my place.
Sometimes it's like I'm not really even here - it's just something else that's making the most of what's left.
Stuff goes wrong, and there's a hint of the 'Oh NO!' somewhere in me, something that wants to cry and scream that it isn't fair, and that I'm a failure etc. etc. etc... but this something else just shrugs it off and says 'bring it on'.
Like I've just developed this emptiness; cultivated it somewhere deep inside, and can let it flow over me when things get too tough. As if I just let everything fill the void and be swallowed by it. The pain, the confusion, the anger, the stress - it gets eaten by the emptiness and leaves me able to cope. Only thing is, it seems to swallow a part of me at the same time - and I'm not sure if that's a bad thing...


Our social life has become too complicated. It's just that simple.
The sensible thing to do would be to step back, focus on work, and not let it interfere with my head.
The thing I'm doing is trying to work it all out and follow what's going on.
(Read: procrastinating like hell because my lack of fully formed dissertation is scaring me)

I've also been sucked into a series of books by Laurell K Hamilton lately called Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter... I keep kidding myself that it's research for my dissertation (The Androgynous Undead: The literary Vampire and it's Effect on Gender Boundaries)... but really, it's just a nice distraction. It's easy to fall into and leave the world behind.
I've always loved reading. I do it instead of watching TV. It's my medium for chilling out.
After these past few years of having to read stuff - stuff that just couldn't capture me, stuff that was down right boring, or disgusting, or too hard in content to emotionally deal with (read suicides and rape) cause it hit too close to home - it's so nice to finally start enjoying reading again. I've missed it.

The main protagonist (main character for those of you who didn't study English lit) is amazing.
She's so kick ass - I think I look up to her. Role model? Naw...
I mean, she's nothing like me if we're talking appearance, career, life... but the personality is so me it's ridiculous. I think that's why I fall into the story so easily. It's written in first person, and her reactions to situations are so similar to what mine would be, it's as if - for a few hours a day - I am Anita: the kick ass Vampire Executioner, necromancer, gun wielding, cute and sexy little woman who has a sharper wit than her knives, and doesn't take crap from anyone.
Like me, she'd rather be fully honest about everything; even when it gets her in trouble (and lots of it). We're both as quick to jump the gun and slug someone if they piss us off, and as willing to do what it takes to survive as each other. We both have a crazy friend who kills people for a living (though mine doesn't give me epic weapons as gifts) and both have a still place inside that, if we go to, everything becomes possible. A place where emotions disappear and all that remains is the cold hard fact that we are capable of anything.

So yeah, if I were to be a story book character, and I were more trigger happy, cuter, shorter, and more athletic... I'd be Anita Blake.
Sadly, my ability to blur the boundaries between reality and fantasy isn't being helped by this.
I keep forgetting that my friends aren't lycanthropes, or vampires, or other preternatural beings...
Actually, I was just wondering about who I'd want to be in a triumvirate with if I could be - and the sad part is, I don't even have to think about it. Mathieu and Libor are the only people I can imagine being tied to in that way. We'd make a great trio. They're the only guys I trust and love implicitly. The two strongest men I know (don't want to be tied to people I feel are weak, it should be a strong triumvirate).
I'd probably be the weak link in the whole thing - but I doubt it some how. My true weakness comes from a desire to be looked after - a desire which is slowly disappearing from my genetic make-up if I'm entirely honest. That desire makes me act weak so that people protect me. It's silly really.
Thinking back though; I felt so much stronger, so much more alive, when I was with Li and Mat - as if we already were a power base.
There's an irony I'd point out... but it's a total spoiler for the novels, and I know someone who reads this blog is trying to get through the series at the minute.

Thinking about Mathieu and Libor has made me miss them again.
Missing Li seems silly as I saw him yesterday. But missing Mathieu is this dull ache that's always there now. It's dulled with time, because all pain does when you live with it day in-day out. You get to a point where you push it so far down inside you that you barely feel it most of the day. Then you think about that person you miss, and it blooms to the surface again.
He's still all the way over in France... and I don't get to talk to him often lately - because I'm hardly ever online. It doesn't seem fair that you can meet people now that are so instantly and so whole connected to you, but sooo far away that you can't be in contact with them. That you can't just see them, and hug them, and sit and chat for hours. That you can't curl up in bed with them and fall asleep talking. That you can't just see them.
It wouldn't be so bad, but when I do see Mat (through the magical technology of webcams) he looks so sad so often. I'm pretty sure my smile's have dimmed a lot too. Watching Li and Mat on webcam to each other used to be like watching a smiling match. Now it's a show of mourning. They don't seem to realise it, but they both look so sad - as if they'll never be in close proximity again. Missing people sucks like that.
It's just so hard to see the two people I love the most hurting like that - especially at the same time, for the same reason. I'd give anything sometimes to just take that problem away - just to see them smile.

And yes - they are the two people I love the most. Sorry everyone else, it's just true. I can't help it.


So, my mood lately has been what I'm now describing as "moop". It's a cross between 'meh' and 'poop'. It's catching on amongst friends. That in itself is a scary thought.

I was always the weird floater person that people put up with. Lately I seem to have become part of a core. Within our social structure there's two separate cores - and I'm pretty much in the centre of one of them. People look to me in that 'shall we?' kind of way. I can't really explain it. It's not a 'you're in charge' thing... not even a 'well if Lauren's doing it...' kind of way. It's just a constant inclusion if that makes sense. I mean, part of it is just being one of Libor's "second in command"s... everyone looks to Li for the go ahead in our little 'core'. He's the trend setter, the leader - what ever you want to call it. Our Ulfric... and somehow I've ended up as part of that leadership... somehow I've ended up as almost a proxy Lupa...
Oh god, I'm using werewolf terms again... see what I mean about being overly influenced by these books?

I'm not used to being this close to being 'popular'. It's the oddest part of my uni experience so far. Okay, no, that's a lie - Kaydee's (okay, and my) parties have been the oddest part of my uni experience - but being liked is definitely high up on the list. Being one of the people almost always invited to the party; the one who's smiled at and greeted in the street; just being accepted really - it's a feeling I never hoped for (never even strove to achieve if I'm honest). I never believed it was attainable, so I didn't bother with it.

I have to say, I never expected to be a part of a drunken party that ended up in  bedrooms.
Even in my crazy years (well, my last year at sixth form college) I didn't imagine it.
I mean, being accepted back then had still left me as an outlier. Someone to be included if I was around, but only invited on odd occasions. Now I do a lot of inviting myself... and my parties are getting quite the reputation for insanity.

I keep wondering what next year will bring.
Whether any of us will still be together, being insane, and having a laugh.
It's hard to imagine life not being this fun, hard, crazy bubble of friends and stress.
I mean - surely we can keep that? Only the work has to change - from study to actual work. Right?

I don't know.
What I do know is that I have to stop worrying about it.
We'll jump off that bridge when we get to it.
Speaking of which - I'm dying to go bungee jumping!! So what if I have severe vertigo? I want to jump out of a plane and parachute down to the ground. I want to jump off a bridge and spring back upwards while screaming my lungs out.
I want to face my fear and laugh at it afterwards.

That's the person I want to be. The person who looks fear in the face and smiles. The person who doesn't panic, and doesn't cry; because fear is the only thing that stops you from doing things. It's the only draw back to life.
Fear will not hold me back. Never. Not ever again.

Be free. Live to the fullest you can. No regrets.


Blessed Be xx