Blocked

It's like every time I try to do something, or I accidentally do something lately I just get blocked.
I don't mean as in the on-line term. I mean just physically, emotionally, mentally blocked.

I get feelings for a boy. I get blocked
I try to get with a different boy who I love. I get blocked.
I try to stop feeling stuff for boys. I get total block.

I feel like I've let people into my heart and they've just crushed it.

How can it have come to this??
How can things have gone from so perfect, to so shit, in a single day?

How can someone tell you they love you, and make you believe it... Make you feel like the only person in the entire world... Make you feel like the only person who can make them happy is you, and the only one who can make you happy is them... and then turn around and say they don't want to be with you? Not just don't - NEVER want to be with you. There's an 'ever' in never. As in - don't EVER. As in - not EVER. As in - it was just a bit of fun.

Gee thanks. I'm good enough to play with and keep in the peripherals of your life, but not good enough to be with you through it all.
He is basically saying "I can't trust you" or "I don't want you to be part of this". It all translates to "not good enough" no matter what anyone tries to say otherwise.
It's a kick in the teeth if nothing else.

But you know what hurts more? What is pissing me off beyond all belief, and what is driving me god damn insane??
The fact that I knew, I knew, it'd be like this.
I knew I shouldn't let things get that deep. Knew I shouldn't let him in, and give him that stupid heart of mine. Knew it would only break - as it did - and only hurt too much to bear. Knew I'd have no one to blame but myself when it happened.
I god damn saw it coming, and still walked into it with my arms wide open.

WHY!??

Am I such a glutton for punishment?
Do I want to be hurt or something??

The phrase "What were you thinking?" doesn't even start to describe it!

I mean, I let myself feel so much for him. Feel what I felt years ago and then some. Feel what I felt for the other two great loves in my life, with that little bit extra on top.
I have never been so nervous or reserved in my behaviour before. Maybe next time I'll be reserved in my feelings instead.
Ha- I wish.

The heart break was easy enough to deal with. I've felt my heart break a million times before. I'm used to that.
What I can't deal with is the fact that I walked straight into it.

It's like walking into a lamppost!
Yeah, if you're not paying attention, or you're running really fast and dodge out of one things way and into the lamppost, it's kinda funny - kinda embarrassing - and really painful.
But this is more like seeing the lamppost and going - naaah, that's not really there! Then walking (or running) straight into it. Just as funny, just as painful - but the embarrassment is so much worse. And you kick yourself so hard for not believing your own eyes.

So yeah - that's me. So blonde that I walked (metaphysically) into a lamppost that I saw coming.

...

-.-

I suppose I wouldn't be so angry and upset if it weren't for my hormones being at peek 'INSANITY' time... but you can only blame hormones for so much.
I've been practically psychotic lately.
Smashing glass bottles against the wall only seemed normal-ish because I convinced my flatmates to join in. Safety in numbers when it comes to craziness.

Slamming my not-so-working phone into a wall and killing it however - not so normal-ish.
The speaker(s) had totally stopped working, which annoyed the hell out of me, and in my childish, rage-filled mood, I thought that hitting it "gently" against the wall would fix said speakers.
Note to self, don't slam touch-screen phones into walls. It breaks them. Lots.

Oh well. I was needing a new phone anyway... this way I just have to buy one in the morning, rather than in a few weeks when I've a better idea of what to get.
Could be worse. I could have dropped it in the shower... or soaked it in energy drink... >.>...<.<....>.>...
okay, so I've done those before with this phone... but this is damage beyond my repair level.
I suppose I'd be upset if it weren't for the fact I've been wanting to get rid of this phone now for a while (since it was bought for me by an ex that I'm trying to forget) and it actually worked properly.
I thought I'd been sleeping through alarms and was going crazy for not hearing my text-tone. Nope, just wasn't playing the stupid things.

Oh well.

Angry, non-sense rant over.


Blessed Be xx

Love Letters

For my love,

How long has it been since your name was entwined with mine?
I gave you up so long ago. Stopped believing you were real in any of the ways that matter. Stopped believing the things you said. Stopped letting myself care about you.
I moved on. I forced myself to.
That night I tattooed your initials on my leg with permanent marker, I placed another's beside it. I remember staring at it through my tights each day that week, knowing what I was giving up, and not wanting to. Tracing the lines of that letter, until I had the courage to give my heart to someone else.


But you never gave me up. I gave my heart away time and time again, never finding real happiness; but through it all you were there - calling me, talking to me, being everything you always were. I'd complain, I had to really... I was engaged... I couldn't have a random man call me and end the conversation with
"I love you, bye."


The reason we never stayed together was because we never met up. We never had the money, or the time... plenty of inclination though. It should have been enough. I know it should. I wanted you to be my first.... 

But things don't always turn out that way... do they?....

Then, finally, we meet... and it's like we're 16 again! The past melts away and you're just you, and I'm just me, and nothing seems to have changed. It's so much fun! We have a great time, you even get along with my friends, and there's that humour of yours shining through everything. I totally forget that what you do takes you away from me constantly, or that you aren't going to be able to stay just that little bit longer than planned. That you can't just stay over when ever you want. 

It's like I've found a piece of heaven... and it's been there all along...

Life just seemed to fall into place. You made it all feel right again... 

I spent so much time just looking at you, as if I could drink you in with my eyes. Part of me knew you would have to leave, and started making note of everything about you so I had it all saved up for when you were gone. That smile of yours will keep me feeling warm inside until it fades from my memory. The way it lights up your entire face... the way it feels like it's just for me...

But then... 

     ... leaving early... 

          ... not wanting you to go...

      ... always fearing being left makes it so much harder to watch you leave...

...You were right of course. Time for the real world. And the real world isn't about relaxing with friends, or having breakfast together, or wandering around town, or laughing together... not for you... 

I catch myself thinking about you, and force myself to stop; because I know that your world can't be mine, and mine... mine just isn't real to you. 

I can admit now that I have always loved you. Since you were just my friends long-distance thing... since we were young and innocent(er)... through my years of discovery, and yours... through my relationships and your departures... right up until now... I've loved you.

Seeing you brought every feeling back to the surface that I had buried so many years ago, and now those feelings wont go away again.

I'm trying to pull back together the feelings I had before. The complicated friendships and the almost relationships. The feelings that practically evaporated when you kissed me for the first time. Nothing, and no-one, seems to compare to you any more...

I miss you.

I love you.

I'll live without you. 

I know I'll have to.

My heart has been returned to you again. Keep it safe. I want it back... along with the rest of you.

     Yours eternally...

x x x x x