What started as fun, and progressed to love, has become bitter and hatefull.
My fists clench as the message passes before my eyes; new waves of anger crashing over my head.
The words themselves have no real malice or meaning, just the same reiterance of a tired old line that had nothing to do with the conversation to start with.
I'm used to this feeling, but normaly I force it away and let it pass before replying. Today my grip on self control slips and a torrent of hatred pours forth. I blame him for everything - something I've only just realised.
The language becomes littered with swearing and typo's and slang. Every harsh reply I've ever bitten back finds its way into the whirlpool of words, every reply he sends working me further into the fit of pure unadulterated rage.
If we were face to face I would have punched him by now. I let him know that I'm on the brink of coming to his and hitting him.
Somehow it turns into a joke, and all of the anger just dissipates.
I try to grasp at the embers of the burnt out fire that was raging inside me, but it doesn't even feel warm anymore.
I sigh and log out.
I've never wanted to be angry at someone that much before. Never clung to it like a shield. Part of me knows it's because she would approve of it, and right now I need her approval in something... anything...
My mind wanders back to when everything first started - how things had gone from bad, to worse, to better, to amazing... back to bad.
I remember the blind date that I couldn't go on, and wonder how it would have been different. Wonder how it's different to ending up with someone you barely knew to start with.
The pattern of love has become one I can't stand. Starting off good, and moving slowly into euphoria... it always ends up in this pit of misery and pain. Why is that?
It always ends with abuse and tears, it always ends with me breaking.
Are all men the same?
Are all people the same?
I hope not.
Today I can hope again. I can see through the fog far enough to walk, so I'll walk on.
Love is a hell, a torture that we all crave...
Blessed be xx
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