The time has come, the walrus said...

Bite the bullet. It's time. You have to do this. 

I take a deep breath and hold it. The words have to come out with this next breath, and I can't find them yet. It's as if they get lost in the tumble of thoughts. I look at him, and that familiar unfathomable swirl of emotions starts in my belly. Hate, revulsion, desire, love, sympathy... they get mixed in with the thoughts. Memories of hurting each other, of loving each other, of shared looks, of laughing, of kissing... they flood me for a second and I nearly loose my nerve.

Concentrate!

"You should stay away from me." That's the best I can muster? I feel like a Cullen replication.
"All I do is hurt you..." I try, a torrent of disagreements comes my way "Well, use you then..." I try again.

I have to fight the tears as he says "Fine, I'll go then!" Have to hold my hands firmly at my side to stop myself from reaching out to stop him. Have to bite my tongue to stop from calling him back. The door slams behind him and I finally let myself break down. The tears splattering against the floor, sobs racking through my body.

We weren't even going out - why do I have to end up breaking up with someone I'm not dating?? That doesn't make sense...
But how can I tell my friends? I've spent all this time convincing them we aren't an item, never going to be an item... and then I need consoling after telling him we need to stay apart? How can I tell them, after all this time, that I love the bastard?
How can I tell them that, no matter how much we all dislike him, no matter how much I complain about him, no matter how much of a prick he acts... I love him?
That's been the problem all along. The reason things have never gone right. Not because he can't keep out of my bed as they say, but because I can't help moving to him in that way. I can't help holding him, kissing him, leaning against him. I can't keep just friends cause I feel too much for him.

Yes. I see that things aren't right. I see that we shouldn't be together - even if we do work well together, I'm a wreck with him. Same as before. Same as with Luke. He's negative, we fight all the time (though he always lets me win)... but...
Lets face it, the real reason I can't be with him is he isn't the one. The one is standing there looking at me and saying "I don't really like him... you can do better."
God damn, if it weren't for those perfect eyes looking concern on me I wouldn't care what the world said. I'd enjoy being with him, and tell the rest of the world to go screw themselves.

But there you have it. No matter how much I love the boy who's just walked out in pain, I don't love him as much as him. That so has to change at some point... but I guess not yet.

Give it time...

Till then, I'll just try my best. S'all I can do - right?
And the best I can do right now is end things. Cut the ties and try again.

Blowing my nose, I push away the last of my tears and pick myself up. The sniffling takes longer to cease, but it's time to get on with life.
Like Russell said to me last night "You have to live for now. Not then, not there, not the future - you have to live now. Forget about the sadness of then, and be happy. Don't let people bring you down - they're just on the edges."
Time to live.


Blessed Be xx

If only dreams would come true

He smiles at me; cupping his hand under my chin and, bringing my face gently towards his, whispers "I love you. Always have, always will." 

The words melt, dripping like honey in my ears. My heart thuds in a ridiculous, slow, loud thump, so hard that I think he must have felt it. His other hand snakes round my back, setting the skin there on fire with his touch as I'm pulled inexorably towards him.

The words echo dreamily around my head. "I love you. I love you. I love you." His voice feels like it's everywhere, wrapping me in a blanket so soft I can almost feel its weight.

I try to say it back - but he already knows, and his mouth stops mine with gentle persuasion.

The blanket wraps around us, closer and closer, until it's like there no beginning or end to us. We're laid down in the blanket now, and his strong hands are holding me to him like he never wants to let me go. His hand strokes my hair and I close my eyes, finally feeling at peace with the world. Slowly the feel of his arms fades, and the hand in my hair disappears, and it's time to wake up again, alone - again.

The dream haunts me for weeks. Each time it's slightly different; but every night he holds me in his arms, and tells me he loves me, and every morning it isn't real. It takes a few minutes each time to remember reality, to re-shuffle everything - get it all in its rightful place. The rest of the day spent trying not to think about it. The rest of the night trying not to hope for it to still be real when I close my eyes and drift off to the place where he waits for me.

It's a distraction from everything. I catch myself on the sofa in the kitchen with my eyes closed, trying to remember the feel of his chest against my cheek, the smell of his skin, the taste of his lips. I find myself wearing my biggest hoody so I can snuggle up inside it and pretend his arms are round me. I'm so obsessed with my dream, I forget that I'm not in this loving relationship. Boys continue to flirt with me, and I'm offended. Don't they know I'm in love? Oh wait...

It's just like me to become infatuated with my own creation. If I had been Frankenstein things would have been very strange indeed.

But now I don't know what to do.
Do I confront the feelings? Or let them carry on? Try and forget them?
It's impossible for anything to manifest from it, so it's surely only sensible to force it to stop. But how? You can't just turn your feelings on and off. That's not how they work.

It's a lesson you learn when you're young; one that stays with you through out your life - and I'm having to learn it all over again.
Dreams don't come true.

Hopes and dreams can be fulfilled - but dreams, subconscious plays you act out in your sleep, they can't. They aren't real.

I would attempt an analysis of what the dreams mean, but I already know - already knew before I thought about it - what they're about and why. Anyone who really knew me would understand in a heartbeat. It doesn't matter though - and it never will.

I don't even know why I've posted this... feeling rather weird tonight though, so maybe that's it. Anyway, stay safe


Blessed Be

If you gave a thousand monkeys a thousand typewritters...

... they'd probably break them and have a great time doing it!

It's like if you gave 1000 Laurens 1000 rooms... they'd still end up a mess, cause that's just what I'm like. Though, being ill has made mine into a complete disaster area lately. My bin is overflowing with snotty tissues because it hurts my head to bend down and pick it up to empty it; my clothes are all over the floor because I haven't the energy to sort them out. My books are in heaps around my bed - because lets face it, once I'm done with them I can't actually get out of bed and put them back; who do you think I am??

It's really pathetic if I'm honest, but hopefully if I kick myself up the bum about it enough times, I'll actually get stuck in and sort at least some of it out. Okay, correction - if I can keep kicking myself about it and stay off Plants VS Zombies, I will get it sorted out.

The really annoying thing is, I haven't really been 'well' this term. I caught a cold just as I got to Leicester, and I've been 'nearly over it' several times, and then I get a new incarnation of it! I must be keeping medical shops in business!
Though, I have to admit, the reason this one isn't getting better is because I've given up trying to get better. I pop some 'max strength cold and flu relief' and go out and party. No, I don't know why - but shush.

I suppose it doesn't help that I've been going through a rough patch lately. I have a long standing relationship with depression, so I'm used to the highs and lows that come with being me. Lately it's been rather low though - and the constant arguing with friends, the constant reminders of the ex, the illness and the deadlines have all been really really rubbish.
I kept randomly breaking down - especially to certain songs. Have you heard the one by Eminem and Rhianna - 'Love the Way You Lie'? Well, I thought it was kinda sweet and sad... then I watched the video...




.... and there was so much in it that I couldn't stop thinking about all the times he'd hit something and I'd be so sure he wanted it to be me. Remember his fist go through the wall, remember him practically kicking the door down when I locked him out, remember him accidentally hurting me, remember him saying sorry, promising it'd never happen again, and again, and again...

Now every time I hear that song I nearly break down. His fist is going through that wall closer and closer to my head in the playbacks. I know I'm making it worse by remembering it - because you always remember wrong... but I can't help it.

All those times he'd say "You know I'd never hurt you..." and then do it. The fact he had to change that saying to "You know I'd never hurt you on purpose..."....
... Then Dj goes and says it. Constantly.... Flashback...

All those times we'd play fight, and he'd take it too far, and I'd be nearly crying, trying to shrug him off, push him off, get him to stop...
... Then Li goes and does it. I started play fighting and then tried to stop... and he wouldn't. Didn't get the memo or something... Flashback...

It's like he's broken me, and everything is just a reminder. Makes it hard to have hope. Makes it hard to believe there's a way to have a relationship that isn't like that. Just sex and abuse and familiarity.

My friends don't really get it. They've never been with someone like Luke. Not for that long. They don't get that you blind yourself to the problems, telling yourself it's all normal. Tell yourself that 'true love' is just a story. "This is true love because it's real" you say. Then you meet this guy who looks after you, cares for you, and doesn't ask for anything in return... and you start to question your standards. Is it possible to have someone care for you and you not have to have sex with them in return? Like, Wait... you mean boys can like you and not want to get in your pants??

It's funny, because if you asked me, I couldn't possibly tell you how I developed that attitude. Trying to reverse it isn't all that easy either. But I am trying.
I've made a promise to myself that it's all gonna get better - even if it takes 1000 Laurens trying 1000 times a day... it will get better. It has to. I said so.


Well, that's my embarrassing little tirade over with.
You probably know a little too much about me now... but oh well!


Blessed Be
xx