An open palm holds more than a closed fist

"Li...?" I have a feeling something is wrong. I can't remember what's happened, but if Li's here it's all going to be okay. 


He looks at me and turns away.


That look... as if I were something he'd rather forget. As if I were something unpleasant he'd wiped off the bottom of his shoe. It crumples me, and I sink to my knees as he walks away.
My tears are incessant, pouring down my face in a waterfall, cascading down my cheeks and neck and chest... I feel my heart ripped out for the last time and I cry out after him
"Please! Don't leave me!?" It's almost a question, but not quite. The plea goes unheeded and he slowly disappears.


The gasping half wakes me, and I roll over. Feverish, still upset. I don't bother drying my eyes. The pillow isn't too damp yet, it'll be fine. I snuggle closer to the pillow, pulling my teddy closer...


She grabs my hand and pulls me along. Excited. Party time! 
Li is grinning at me. But he isn't coming with. Why?
I turn to him, wanting a hug. Something left over from before makes me need his arms round me.
If you hold me in your arms and saaaay...
But he's too far away. He waves and get's into the car, still smiling. Then drives away.
"Wait!" I call out to him as he turns to reverse out. 
Luke looks back at me and I call out again "Wait!" but he's gone.

She giggles at me and turns a corner in the garden. I go to follow her, but... but she's gone. I'm stood all alone. Everyone has left me.
I sigh. 


We're sat in a big room, full of comfy comfy seats. It's great - everyone's here. Well, almost everyone. School friends, DemonTV friends, loads of people. All chatting away happily. All happily ignoring me. 
It's Ness who pulls me up and away from everyone. We're going somewhere important. Dan comes with. 
I don't know where I am. It's like someone's jumbled everything up and the place we are isn't anywhere at all. 
I turn to ask Dan, but he's suddenly not there.
I turn back to ask Ness, but - yep - you guessed it - she's gone too.


The cold sweat on my forehead as I look up from my pillow makes me want to snuggle under the covers some more.
I don't want to sleep ever again if this is the only REM I'm going to get. 


I roll over again, this time onto my back. 
The headache is already throbbing, and there's a slight rattle when I breath.
Joy. Is it time to get up yet?


I spend a majority of the day in bed, then curled up on the sofa with my laptop - reading. Mum fusses around me, but apart from the bad sleep I feel fine. 
Okay, standing up seems to be detrimental to me staying completely conscious... and I keep coughing. But all I feel is a little tired. A little emotional too. Boo to you.


MSN is the only thing keeping me entertained eventually. Conversing with Li and Dan... and whoever else pops online really.


Eventually I'm back in bed, curled up talking to my bestest best friend (in broken French at times), discussing nothing really. Okay, so my tired brain isn't in the best of places to start a discussion about life, the universe or anything... and he's only talking on and off really. It's early in the morning. You can't blame us... 


But hey.         
You know what? Sometimes I just shouldn't open my big fat gob.      
For some reason we've been half arguing over nothing for a majority of the conversation. I've blamed my hormones... not sure if I've been believed but hey! 
And... then I have to go and bring Luke up don't I?     
Questions like "Do you still love him?" come up - and without the aid of his vocal emphasis it comes across as a jealous accusation. 
Logic tells me it isn't, so I just respond as honestly as I can. 
He thinks I'm thinking about stuff too much...       
Then some where along the line, the conversation explodes: 


"STOP DWELLING!!   OR I SWEAR I WILL GO DOWN THERE AND KICK YOUR ARSE TILL HALLELUJAH"      


I'm already crying by this point. Have been since this part of the conversation started actually. It's easy enough for him to tell me to stop dwelling, but it's bloody hard to do. Especially when Luke isn't what I'm dwelling on.
I go for humour. Bit of truth mashed in with my attempt at 'subject change'...     


"liar"      


... crashes and burns.
I mean, I know he can't come down here. If he could, he'd be here already, and we wouldn't be fighting. So I got the truth bit... but the 'subject change'...? 


"ok, maybe i can't... but I will in leicester... I WILL KICK YOU SO HARD YOU WONT WALK FOR DAYS"      


nice turn of phrase... I actually giggle through my tears.       


"then people WILL think we're having sex"            


Please, please, please let that have diffused the situation. I hurt. Lots. I just want a hug and maybe a gentle (if firm) few words to get me through the night.         
I miss him like crazy, and I need him right now - because I'm starting to really deal with the shit that I did and went through with Luke. I am! I'm lonely as hell right now though... sometimes family just isn't enough, you know? I need my friends - I need them.    


His reply comes as a slap round the face:       


"I WILL NOT TALK TO YOU"     
  
ouch... that cut deep. The tears kick up a notch and I can barely breath.         


"that just might kill me..."      


He doesn't realise how true this is. Or if he does, he must be really mad at me to threaten it.    
I don't handle loss all that well, and right now it feels like all I do is loose people. The dreams... the dreams don't help.
He doesn't reply for a moment, and the pain intensifies.
Loosing my best friend... loosing him... 
I'm sobbing now. Full on, heart wrenching sobs. 
I don't even know why he's so angry at me. 
I'm about to beg him to... to what? Something... even if it's only talk to me. I've had him stop talking to me before and I barely managed the pain. Why do we argue so much lately? And why does it almost always turn out to be my fault?
The image of him walking away from me flashes before my closed eyes and I sob into my quilt a little harder.


Finally:


"so... stop dwelling... and accept what happened..."


Ultimatum.
In a way, he's telling me I have to forgive myself. Which I can't. Not yet.
Shit. I'll try if it means he isn't mad at me. I'll do anything to make him not mad at me.


"ok, just please don't leave me"


I've pulled the quilt into a bunch and am still sobbing into it. Trying to muffle the painful noises that keep coming out of my mouth unbidden. 
If I weren't so upset to start with his anger would be almost bearable. 
I don't do well with his anger when it's directed at me. It hurts. And it hurts that I only ever get it when he's hurting too... hurting because of some dumb shit I've done...


But I can't handle it now. Everything hurts so much right now!
I know he's right. He almost always is. I know he's saying it for my sake, and to help... but how do I stop thinking about the ex when I'm scared of bumping into him?
How am I supposed to not think about it all when I'm freaked out by Luke's girlfriend having any similarities to me... though I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe it's because of what Sarah said before we went to the wet-t-shirt competition:

"He would call one day and be all 'I really miss Lauren', then the next it was 'I really like you', then 'I really miss Lauren' again..."


I don't want him to miss me. The thought scares me in this odd way. Like that there's a possibility there of 'more than friends' happening again. That's the really scary thought. 
I can see it now:
Move back to Grantham, get a lousy job while looking for something better. Get back in with the old crew. Get close with Luke again. Same circle starts up...


The idea of being with him in a relationship makes my dinner want to pop up and say hello again. My stomach is queasy just thinking about it now.  
To me, he represents being trapped. He, to me, epitomises the term 'stuck in a rut'. I know it's just because of what happened between us... but I can't help that. 
I like being his friend... I want to be his friend... but the idea of more is petrifying.
So the thought of him holding out some hope makes me want to run to the hills like you would not believe.   


That's why her having the same top as me brought the breakfast back to the top of my oesophagus when I first saw her dancing with him. 
It didn't help that I'd forgotten that it was in my wardrobe and I had this horrible image of him giving some new girl my clothes. 
Like that bit in simpsons where the woman wakes up and Ned is giving her his dead wife's haircut...


Okay - OTT I know... but that was my gut reaction.   


Yeah. I have serious issues there. 
But I hate being accused of 'dwelling' on shit. Even though I'm pretty sure this is probably going to get me beaten with a wet fish for doing just that...


Thing is, to me, dwelling is when you can't stop thinking about something. It's when you mope around going "oh, it's all so sad, and horrid, and bad... poor me!" and are basically a pathetic piece of nothingness. 
I don't think I've been like that.  
Damn - is that what people have been seeing??  


See, I don't know what's worse - that that's what people see, or that I might actually be doing it. 
I mean, I think about it now and then. 
And when I do, it kinda goes along these lines:


"You were a total bitch to him. You know it. You should have been there for him when he needed you and you weren't. You're a crap friend. You don't deserve friends you selfish bitch."


"Oh - cause he was such a fucking angel was he? And I wasn't going through anything at all was I?? He was one of the reasons I had the god damn break downs!! Don't you remember gasping for breath and crying on his living room floor after he tried to suffocate you and wouldn't stop?? Don't you remember huddling under his table and not being able to stop rocking for an hour? God damn! The boy held your hand when you cried for your dead brother - that doesn't mean he was good to you!"


"Now you're being too harsh! He was good when he tried!"

"He didn't try often enough though - did he?"


"And you did?"


"Fuck you."


"You found someone who treated you better and decided you were too good for him!"

"I am too good for him."


"Liar. You'll never be good enough for someone better. Too dirtied and crude - too much of a bitch. You run away if there's a problem anyway - who sticks by someone who wont stick by them? You're just a bitch. Admit it."


"You know what - I'd rather die than continue this pointless argument. I feel like crap now - are you happy?"

"I'm you, idiot. If you feel like crap so do I. Use your fucking brain."

"Ugh - I'm sick of not being able to think! Why can't I do maths anymore? Why can't I write essays??"


"Cause you're a useless piece of crap."

"You know what - if you hate me so much, why don't you just fuck the hell off?"




Yeah... I'm really polite when conversing with myself in my head. 


But that is how polarised my views of everything have been.
It's either his fault or mine in my head. I can't seem to compromise yet and go - look, we both messed up. We both had reasons. Move on.
I mean, logically, rationally, reasonably, I know that's the truth. I know that it was just a two way thing that went wrong. I do. 


So why does my heart want to blame someone?



That's what I'm dwelling on. Why am I caught up in blaming someone? And why do I want to blame myself so badly?
I agree you shouldn't dwell on stuff, but I need the answer to that question.
I need to know... I can't explain why. It's just one of those things. I feel that if I can work out why I'm wrapped up in this issue of who's fault it is, everything will fall into place and I'll be able to understand what the hell is going on inside my head. 


That's what I mean when I tell people I need to dwell to deal with it.
I'm not worried about the issue itself. I'm worried about the ridiculous emotional 'issue' of blame, and why I can't let go of the idea.


I suppose I still judge myself by the worlds view of right and wrong. To me, everything is grey. There is no real right or wrong. But to the world, they're distinct. They're black and white. 
So I need to know which I am.
By the worlds standards, am I black, or am I white?
Was I right, or was I wrong?


Li told me that our argument wasn't about right or wrong, it was about "what would be kind on me"
That's fine, I guess... but for the rest of the world, life is about right and wrong. The argument in my head is about it too. It's about trying to decide which is my conscience and which is my ego (super ego and id retrospectively for those pedantic psychology people). I mean, I should be able to work it out. Which are the rules that society enforces on us??
oh... that would be... neither.... helpful! Not.


Society teaches us that you should be there for people, but it also teaches us fairness and equality. It teaches us not to put up with the shit that we're given... 
I mean - if I were Christian (I would have lost my mind, but that's not the point) I would believe in turning the other cheek and not hurting others and always being there for them...
But would a Christian stay in a relationship so full of abuse?
No.


I think the thing that gets me, is that voice that feels so guilty about how I acted... it's as if it's close to saying "If you'd been a better person you'd still be with him."
As you can tell, I am more inclined to say "Well, glad I was an asshole then!" when this line of thinking comes up. Until I'm really lonely that is. Then it's the thought that I might be married like my sister by now that gets me. The thought that I might be expecting a little one instead of, or as well as, her now. Those are the bits that get me. Not who, but what. 
I think "You were engaged. You had someone to make a life with. Now you have to do it alone." and I go 'but I want a baby.. I want it to be my turn =('
Inpatients is a virtue...


I would get so broody sometimes last year I would ask Libor for a baby.
"It'll take nine months!" he'd say
".... Keep the receipt." I'd reply.
That baby is at least 3 months past due. I bet he never put the order in. If he did, he's lost the receipt. 


Anyway, that's enough of me trying to explain away the stupid arguments that my head causes.
It was just an excuse not to go to sleep anyway.
I'll leave you with the song that Li sent me, because it's beautiful and sad. It's my link to the title of this blog.
My idea for it was to emphasise how what you let be free in the palm of your hand stays there, while what you cling onto in a fist escapes.... but have a sweet song instead.

Oh yes! Merry Christmas everyone!!
It's officially Christmas... I'll bet I've scared Santa off this year by typing. My sister says it sounds like a hail storm when I type. Though, the coughing is probably a lot louder!


Yeah, my chest is pretty bad at the minute. Think I may have gotten a chest infection for Christmas!! Yay?
It's fine. I don't feel that bad. The cough is just unexpected all the time. Until I lay down and sound like I'm trying to gargle when I'm just trying to breath...
It feels almost like drowning if I'm honest. Got a bad feeling about this one. Scary images of puncturing lungs to drain fluid... eep!
But hey! I don't feel too ill at the minute, so Christmas will pass in the good faith and energy that I've managed to muster from somewhere.


I'm cooking today with Mum. 
By that, I mean her hips bad and I'm going to force her to sit down and let me do a majority of it. If she'll let me. For once.
She let me dissect the heart and lungs of the turkey last night before we boiled them up to make gravy stock. It was SO cool!! I never got to do the heart dissection thing at school. No wonder everyone goes on about it though! So interesting! I'd love to do a photography project on the interior of the heart actually.


Thinking about it, I might get up in a couple hours and put the turkey in for her actually. 
Not like I'm going to get much sleep anyway. And even if I do, the nightmares will keep me waking up at nice regular intervals.
Gotta love having a high temperature sometimes. Next it'll be hallucinations! Yay!!


Anyway, Seasonal greetings and merryment to you!
May all your Christmas's be bright (if not white) ^_^



Blessed Be xx

The recurring mistake

Everyone makes this mistake once in their life. Maybe twice. I seem to be making it repeatedly.

It's the mistake where you think that you're the only one who has the problems you do.

I mean - technically, YES. You are the only person with the exact problems you have.
But in reality, everyone has them. Well, practically everyone.

I don't know why, or how, but it's as though when my problems get to be too much people who aren't struggling just don't seem to have problems. Or if they do, they aren't as big. Aren't as difficult. Aren't as fresh...

Then the person you're saying "You don't understand!!" to turns around and says - actually, I've been through this, this and this... just like you. I do understand. You're making a bigger deal out of this than you need to.

I hate that feeling.
Not because I've been put down.
Not because someone else is dealing with the same thing better than I am.
But because I've underestimated their problems.

It's like a slap to the face.

One of my closest friends turns around and basically says "Look, I was on the brink of suicide once. I pulled myself through and won't go back. Buck up and do the same will ya?"
And all I can think is:
a) why didn't you tell me?
b) did you tell me and I've forgotten?
c) how could I have been so horrible as to put you through the complaints and descriptions that I have, making you think about the shit you've been through yourself?? 
d) how the hell do you put up with me?

I'd like to say it gives me the strength to carry on. But to be honest, it just crushes my hope - my belief in myself - that I'm a good person. It makes me see how much of an ass I really am. Probably a much needed wake up call to be fair.

I don't understand why I have to have bigger problems than everyone else at the minute. I don't understand why there's this selfishness just breeding inside me.
I'm trying to understand it though. I need to find the root of it so I can stop it.
I mean... my mum shows the same propensity for self annihilating exaggeration that I'm now displaying. So does my grandma. And my flat mate.
Could that be a part of it?
I was severely bullied as a kid and only started having friends once I became a selfish bitch...
could that be a part of it too?

I think the thing is, I have been through some serious problems in the past few years.
Life got turned upside down.
I felt very alone.
But now that life is nearly the right way up again, I'm still expecting to be on the end of all the shit.
I'm still expecting to be the one with the most problems.
Maybe that's not quite right, or true... but maybe it's part of the problem.

My best friend thinks I'm just dwelling on things.
Maybe he's right.
He got really mad at me for it last night.

Thing is, I'm not sure how you dwell, or don't dwell, on something.
To me, dwelling on something means to think about it all the time.
I don't really think about anything all the time...
So it must mean the things you think about most.
Well, I've been thinking about work and my best friend most lately... does that mean I'm dwelling on them?
I don't know.
He thinks I'm dwelling on my ex-fiancé.
Granted, I do think about Luke a lot. He pops into my head a lot. Certain songs remind me of him. Movies that we watched together... places we went together.. you know, stuff like that.
Only thing is, when I do think of him unexpectedly like that I want to cry.
I'm not even sure why.
I miss him a little. That's natural. We spent every day together for two years nearly... now we never see each other. I'm bound to miss him a little.
Guilt at how I treated him at times (like during my break downs) and how I wasn't there for him...
Anger at how he would treat me at times.
And then just pain of the memories themselves sometimes.
Loss... that one too... loss of a love you thought would be there forever. I mean, we got engaged, we were planning on spending our lives together... to loose that is quite momentous really.

So I guess that's why he's classed it as dwelling. Because I'm not just thinking about it, I'm FEELING about it. Constantly.
I'll be the first to admit it was an abusive relationship.
Maybe there's trauma there that I'm working through?
Maybe it's just an excuse because I don't have a distraction any more?
I don't honestly know. All I know is that I made a promise not to dwell any more... so I'm using this as a last ditch attempt to get it out of my system.

I know there's always going to be things that remind me of him. There's always going to be regrets.
But at the end of the day, though life isn't what I want it to be, and isn't great (isn't even always good)... there's a very real possibility that the things with Luke wouldn't have changed anything in life if they had been different.
I'll always be grateful to him for how he was there for me when I needed him the most.
I'll always regret not returning that favour when he needed me.
I'll always have the scars he left me with.

Time to let them be put to rest though.

There's nothing life or death about it.
But I've just kinda realised. These problems we have with relationships - they're a mask. They're something to hurt about when your life is going down the pan. Your work isn't going well, you're being lazy, money is a struggle, friendships are becoming strained.... it all hurts, but you don't want to admit that life is hard - so you cling to the thing that legitimately hurts.
You think "it'd be okay if there was someone laid next to me"...
mainly because you feel like it'll be okay when there's someone holding you tight and telling you that everything's going to be okay. The power of Love etc. etc...
So the smoke screen of past relationships is probably a common theme in my house.
Kaydie might be able to agree with the above... she might say it's the wrong way round...
But I think it's about right.

So, time to blow away the smoke screen and deal with the problems at hand.
1) Christmas, and how to fund it.
2) Essays!!
3) Fuck load of other work (eg, reading, scripting, organising, looking for a job)
4) Picking a path.
5) Deciding who to be

The rest can wait till I'm back at Uni.
Time to deal with life, and stop trying to convince myself that a partner would fix all my problems.

Comfort is for those who have finished their tasks.
Good things come to those who wait (not who mope around and do fuck all)

Wish me luck on my new perspective!
Kill the hormone fairy if you can catch the bitch ^_^


Blessed Be xx

Living with yourself

There's a lot of stuff I've done in my life that I regret.
I think most people can say that.
You have to live with it, don't you? Live with what you've done.

The thing is, the stuff I've done that I'm most ashamed of is stuff that doesn't even feel relevant to me anymore. It's as if it belongs to someone else...

See, a majority of my life (up until I was 18 or so really) I didn't like the thought of sex. Didn't even like having sex in the later year or so of that time.
But then I met this guy, and we ended up doing it all the time... so you get acclimatised - you know? Thing is, it got experimental. Worse than that, other people found out.
Yeah, people know intimate details about my sex life - and it bugs the hell out of me.

I think it bothers me more because the stuff I did... I don't know how to explain this...
it's like I'd put on a mask so that I could be 'sexual'. I'd wear it all the time because people seemed to respect me more if they thought I was this sex-mad monster... they left me alone at least. Didn't pick on me.
So I managed to pick up this in-built ability to be a slag.

I hate that word.
There's only one that ranks higher in my 'worst' list - and that's skank.

But yeah, basically I learnt to be a slag. No offence to my friends back home or anything - but it's what you have to do to fit in where I grew up.
I learnt that to make a guy happy you lie on your back (or bend over) and open your legs.
I learnt that being a good girlfriend meant putting out constantly.
I learnt that to attract men you had to be good in the bedroom department.

Now, that's not to say any guys forced me to feel that way... it's just how I ended up feeling. Honest.
I sometimes wish there was someone in particular to blame for it.
Someone I could hold the finger up to... okay, someone to punch in the face... but it's not like that. It was just the situations I ended up in and the people I was in them with... and okay, some of the first guys I was 'with' in any sexual capacity were total assholes... but hey!
I guess I did things wrong. Lost my virginity to a friend I was comfortable with rather than a guy I was in a relationship with (because I wanted it to be my choice, not someone else's... though I later realised I'd been catering for someone else's choice anyway).
Then with my boyfriends... ugh... it's embarrassing to say but I basically just let them use my body in any way they wanted. That's what felt right at the time.
I mean... yeah... I'd cry myself to sleep at night... but... it still seemed right at the time.

Now, a couple of months ago I decided I didn't want to be that girl anymore. It didn't reflect how I felt, it didn't reflect what I wanted, and it certainly didn't reflect how I thought. So I put my foot firmly down and said - FUCK OFF! - to the men in my life still expecting that from me. I said "enough", and since then it's like I've suddenly gone back to being 17 again.
I'm back to the girl who actually has morals and dignity.
I'm back to being the person who wouldn't drop her knickers for anyone, let alone everyone.

But the real problem is, that doesn't wipe away the years of being a twat.
And it certainly doesn't help that I've not kept that part of my life a secret.

Now I have to live not only with the fact that I've done things that are totally against my nature, I have to live with other people knowing about them. I have to live with the reputation I've made for myself...

I'm officially the dirty ho bag who cheated on her fiance, and slept with her bestmates ex boyfriends. The one who had the most shocking sex story in ring of fire. The one who's done more than a majority of her friends in the 'bedroom' department. The one who has spontaneous orgasms when she least expects them (okay, that's not my fault, so it's not the same... but it still doesn't help).

How do I turn round after that and say "I don't like sex. I don't want to have it. I don't often think about it."
It takes me a minute to get dirty jokes if we haven't already been talking about innuendo's and so forth. I get taken dirtily when it's really not meant.
I feel like people make these assumptions about me... and I don't know how to escape them.
In a way I'm glad that Uni is nearly over, because I can go somewhere new and start afresh.
At the same time, I don't want to run from my past.
Okay, it's not who I am, but it's a part of me...

Well, that's my rant over for now.
Slut turned Saint ... yea... that's true honest...

Anyway, till we meet again


Blessed Be xx

That is the question

I've been questioning myself, my life... everything really lately.

See, it's nearly the end of University now; I'm nearly at the point where I can be Miss Lauren Sophia Bland BA (or so I hope at least!!) and I find myself asking "well, what now?"
I mean, the plan used to be get my A's, go to Uni, get a degree, then a masters, then a doctorate... but there was never a step after that - and let's face it, I can't afford to study a masters right now. I need to build up some funds no matter what.
So... work?

I always wanted to study at Nottingham... so should I build up funds and then apply to study there?

But I always wanted to study Mathematics too... should I do a bachelors in that?

And my best friend is moving to London where there's plenty of work... and I need to build up funds anyway... so should I go there for a year?

I mean, I've never been to our nations capital... so it's on my to-do list. Living and working there would be an awesome experience (even if the experience itself wasn't so awesome)... but am I just making excuses up to stay with my friend?
They're not even definitely going to London, so should I even bother worrying about this? I suppose I'm only thinking about it so much because it got mentioned in front of Mum and I had to explain, then she told Dad, who spent most of yesterday talking to me about it. I promised I'd think about it... but I didn't expect it to be on my mind this much.

I suppose it's just that when you make amazing friends you don't make plans to be without them. Sometimes it happens that the plans you make move you away from them... but in my head I always thought I'd be with him. So it's kinda weird trying to assess what to do next without including him in my plans. I don't make plans for anything without including or considering him... we're practically joined at the hips... so to make plans for the rest of my life and try not to include him is really really hard. I don't have practice at this! haha

I'm trying to just focus on my studies. I've work coming out the wazzoo to do - books upon books upon books to read and digest. But instead I'm trying to work out what to do with my life, or considering what I've done with my life, or trying to get rid of stupid prejudices that I managed to build up when I was with Luke, or trying to just get over stuff from the past few years... I honestly just want to get my head and bash it into a wall and say "Stop it!! Just get your head down and do your work!!"
I mean it! I'm actually driving myself crazy with the stupid things whizzing round my head. Not to mention I'm actually more bothered by Demon TV than I am my course. That's really not helping with the getting work done thing...

Well, the news that I should impart is this:
I'm now normal.

Yes - you heard me. I'm normal.

Let me explain.
I have reached the age of 21 without my periods settling into a routine of any real sense (unless you count having PMT for weeks at a time, then bleeding for weeks at a time, then not having a sniff of anything hormonal for months or even years... as a routine) - thus my hormones have left me alone enough for me to be rational (like a guy) most of the time.
However, finally, on the eve of my 22nd birthday they decide to actually settle down.
Now, that seems like a good thing - right? No more weeks of PMT, no more bleeding for aaaages... but the thing is, I liked having months and months with a clear head. Where I could think sensibly and not worry about my emotions being thrown into a vortex of insanity by my bodies decision to ovulate. Now I don't get to be the rational, level headed person who thinks logically without worrying about the emotions getting tied in. Granted, I'm more of a stable person now. My personality is going to level out now... but not into what I wanted to be.
I love rationality. It's what I like about guys - unless they're thinking with their testosterone or their hearts they're simple as anything. And when they are thinking with one of those things you can TELL. You can understand guys - they make sense.
Now, I'm a girl. Girls think with their emotions, not their brains. They make wild assumptions based on how something makes them feel. I've never understood that. Not until a week ago when the PMT hit and I suddenly stopped using my brain and started using emotions instead. You know what makes girls so annoyingly complex? You can't predict emotions. You have to pay attention constantly to be able to understand which ones are affecting them, and therefore work out why they're thinking/doing what they are.
I don't want to be like that.
I don't want to think that someone likes or dislikes me by the emotion they trigger by saying something that could have been a joke or serious! It's stupid, it's irrational - I hate it.

But it doesn't go away after the PMT, it just recedes.
You don't get such huge swings and heightened emotions... but you still can't help being guided by them more than by reason.

The only thing keeping me happy right now is the thought that I might actually regain some level of fertility now.
I say 'regain' like I ever had any before... but you know what I mean!

I'm becoming such a normal person though. I'm like everyone else in that I always wanted to be 'special'...
But it's time to face facts. I'm not above average - I'm bang on boring.
I'm finally living up to my last name - Bland.

The part of me that used to be above average was my mind. But that's deteriorated and has now been consumed by emotions instead of real thinking. So that's out the window.
I mean, there's nothing wrong with being average... it's just a bit disappointing is all.
Told all your life that you can be anything. That you have the potential to do anything you try at...
Well, I suppose maybe I should have tried then? ha - serves me right!

Do you ever just think "why?" ?
Why am I like I am?
Why have I done the things I've done?
Why did I choose the things I chose?
Why?

They always lead onto questions like "What if?".
What if I'd done that?
What if I'd chosen that?
What if I were more like that?

You always want to know if it'd be better.
You always think that it would be, but want to believe that it wouldn't. You want to believe you did right and that this is the best. The things that are wrong are okay, because they're for the best.

My mum says she doesn't have regrets. I try so hard not to have any... but I fail miserably at it. I have so many regrets...
But Russell turned to me and said "It's not what you get right that matters in life, it's your mistakes. They're what shape you, change you, make you who you are."
So, regret seems silly in a way. Or maybe it's the point? The more you regret something the bigger effect it's had on you and the longer you regret it the longer it effects who you are...?
I don't know.
I try to accept who I am, what I've done... I try not to look back and go "I was so stupid... if only..."
That's the way we learn I guess... by looking back and seeing what we'd change. That's how we learn how to make decisions in the future.

Still, how are we supposed to live in the 'now' if we're thinking about the past and the future all the time?

I don't have any answers at the minute. I just have the questions.
Lots and lots of questions.

I don't think I want the answers to some of them. I want them to remain a mystery.

Anyway, I'm going to sign off now... try and stop questioning everything so much... try and do some work.

I hope you always have more questions than answers and that you enjoy the search.


Blessed Be xx