You know those times when you get really really drunk and wake up afterwards and think "Oh god... I can't believe I DID that!" and then you realise you have the excuse of being drunk?
I would like one of those experiences!!
I'm not talking about the being drunk thing. I've kinda had that once (maybe twice if you count the time I was dizzy in soar point). But I've never had the bubbly drunkenness all night that lets you do stupid things and laugh at them with everyone going "it's alright, she's drunk"
I wan't it as an excuse sometimes!
It's like - I'll do stuff, then think "Damn you brain for not having inhibitions!!" because I look like a right arse without the excuse of ethanol ingestion.
I suppose it's fun at times though, I always used to say that people had to drink to get to my level of insobriety.. but now it's just boring. You go out with your friends, and if you're the sober one everything seems so... dull... while they're all having an awesome time, laughing and joking, and not noticing that everything is actually really rubbish. That the girl they've just pulled is actually a minger and has sweat stains as well as smeared makeup - and smells like she bathed in cat-piss. That the boy they've just 'pulled' is actually 5 foot tall and comes up to breast height... good excuse for him to perv at them like...
Also, everyone seems to loose the ability to dance when they get drunk.
Well, I say everyone - some people get better.
But no-one else cares about these inanities while they're out because they're nicely sloshed.
Being the sober one out and out sucks.
Until your friends can't remember what happened lastnight and you can tell them allsorts of stuff. Photographic 'evidence' helps.
That can be fun.
I think the worst part of all of this is that I'm so un-photogenic that I always look pissed on photo's anyway. So it's like - god, how sloshed were you Lauren? And I either have to go 'haha, yeah...' and lie - or go 'actually I was sober' and be both embarrassed and disbelieved.
I mean, my close friends know I don't get drunk. Especially not easily.
I've been tipsy a couple nights this year... and heading to drunk once or twice too!... but I never seem to get to that carefree bit where you've lost your equilibrium and everything is funny and it's all great!
I suppose the problem is that I don't particularly want to drink or be drunk.
Some alcohol is very yummy! I'll admit that - happily. But to me, the taste is more of an effect than the ethanol content.
I suppose the one thing I'm actually jealous of is that ability for others to pull while drunk.
Now, let me say this to start off with - just so we're straight - I don't want to pull some random guy or girl and take them home or end up at theirs!
But to snog someone and dance with them.... that'd be frickin awesome!
I mean, I know there's all these people that I dance with. Russell is an awesome dancer for instance - and Li is too (though he's improved even more through my tutelage). The girls... well, you don't dance with straight girls the way you dance with boys... so that's kinda not the issue.
It's the kissing thing.
This'll sound silly, but I've not kissed someone in weeks... maybe months... and it'll sound stupid (because everyone goes through long periods of time without that kinda mouth to mouth) but I miss it so much.
Well, lately I've been missing the whole 'other person' thing to be fair. The whole laying in bed together, cuddling, kissing, holding hands...
But I get the cuddling from my friends, and they hold my hand when we walk places - heck they even let me share their beds when mine seems just too big and lonely...
It's just the kissing.
Now, a kiss can be so many things. It can be a short, lips closed 'peck'... but they're rubbish and I give them to family members instead of kissing their cheek sometimes. They just mean "I care about you in a totally a-sexual way"
It can be a full on, tongue action, wet 'snog'... that means "I wanna hump you"...
But the kiss I'm talking about is one totally different to both. It's quite long, but it's gentle; it doesn't stay still but there's not much 'tonging' either. It' just really intense and loving.
That's the kiss I miss.
That's the one I dream about.
The one that says "Good morning beautiful, I missed you"
The one that says "You mean so much to me"
The one that says "You're special"
I shouldn't be so hung up about it! I know I shouldn't...
but then you get nights where as you glance across and think "Do I look alright..?" and before you've even checked your reflection a voice floats back in your head singing "Yes, you look wonderful tonight." Those are the nights you sit for a minute and collect yourself, trying not to remember when there was someone sat on your bed (already ready) singing those words to you, then coming over and slow dancing with you as he hummed the rest of the tune, ending with a kiss...
and the mornings, where you wake up and roll over in that "edge across the bed in the opposite direction so as not to move over in bed" way, so as not to bump into the person laid next to you, and you open your eyes and go to kiss them good-morning... and they aren't there. Then you remember they've never slept in this bed anyway. Your eyes sting so much you roll back over and try to fall asleep again.
it just makes it hard is all.
I suppose it's so much harder at this time of year too. I mean, we got together at Christmas... I sang that stupid song to him "All I want for Christmas is you" and he asked me out on Christmas day. This will be my first christmas without him. My third one without V (can't believe it's been over 2years!). My first one with Wayne as a brother-in-law.
I keep saying I hate Christmas. It's just because it hurts so much.
I can't even hide this year under a blanket of gift giving. Stupid lack of funds.
I can't hide behind another person like I was half intending to.
I just have to get on with it.
My friend has been complaining about being alone a lot lately. He's fresh out of a relationship and still hurting. Thing is, it's made me feel my loneliness too. Not more acutely, I've just realised it's still this throbbing ache in my chest that I've been working around.
It doesn't hurt too much all the time. For that I'm thankful. But there are times when it feels like it's this gigantic hole in my chest, and that I can't even breath...
Those are the times when I need someone. When I need to be held, and kissed on the forehead, and told that everything is going to be okay.
Those are the times when I run to my Libor and hide.
I miss him. I admit it.
For a long time I wouldn't. I was too hurt by everything to admit I missed him.
Now I can. I can say that I don't love him, or like who he was in the end... but I do miss him.
I miss the being able to talk. The comfort we could give each other. The strength he would force me to see that I had. The way he would smile at me. The way his hair would fall into his eyes if he wasn't wearing a hat. The way he made me feel so special, just by being with me.
I guess I miss being inlove and having someone be inlove with me in return.
I suppose I'm starting to understand Kaydie a bit more.
She misses her ex a lot. I couldn't understand it properly if I'm honest - because she initiated the break up... so it was like "Well, you wanted this..." and I didn't miss Luke that much after ending things with him. I suppose it felt like she was being hypocritical. But I'm starting to understand now that you can miss someone no matter what happened between you - because they were such a huge part of your life.
We all seem to be missing people these days.
Kaydie and Chris
Libor and Lisa
Dan and Laura
Me and Luke
The list could probably go on a mile!
So why do we miss people? Especially people we purposefully took out of our lives?
I think it's because time (while not being the great healer) is the great forgetter. We don't heal from the wounds people inflict on us because of time. We heal because of our own attitudes and actions. Time just makes us forget it was them that did it. It makes us forget the bad bits.
It makes Kaydie forget that the reason she's depressed is because Chris's rubbed off on her and he made her feel like shit.
It makes Libor forget all the shit that he and Lisa dragged each other through, and all the harsh words they exchanged.
It makes Dan forget about all the fights and stupid arguments he had with Laura all the time.
It makes me forget that the reason I can't do certain things is because of Luke...
Maybe it's good to forget those things though.
I mean, where reconciliation is possible it's definitely a good thing. As long as the same mistakes aren't repeated.
But where things are set in stone... surely we should try to remember the bad bits instead?
I suppose it proves that everyone wants to think the best of people in the end. Everyone wants to be happy and have been happy... they don't want to remember that life is shit.
We're all optimists at heart!
I keep telling myself that being single doesn't mean being alone.
I'm not alone - I know that - but there's this odd loneliness that seems to accumulate when you're used to a steady relationship and then you don't have it.
I suppose I've not felt it yet because I filled the gap with boys I thought I could feel something for. Rebound for the lose.
You can't feel that way about someone when you're in love with a different person though.
That's the thing though. Love is both the most wonderful and most agonizing thing in the world. It makes you able to fly, but it can also kill you.
Thing is, no matter how much it hurts... no matter how much it makes me want to cry or rip my heart out... I still wouldn't give it up. I love Love. I love how it makes you feel, how it makes you act... heck, I even love the pain in an odd kind of way... because it means that you're alive and real... but more than that, it means you've done something amazing with your life - you've trusted someone.
It's more than trust though - it's this all encompassing wonderment... just being able to re-live that moment of falling inlove is worth every tear that I've ever shed.
Just being able to re-live being with someone I love(d) is worth the ache in my heart of remembering them and knowing I can't be with them anymore.
Just being able to be with someone I love and feel the light coming off them as they shine....
There aren't words enough for the feelings love inspires.
Poets and writers have been trying for years and years and years to describe it.
But there's nothing like it. There's nothing like that feeling.
I'm like an addict. I need it.
We all need love. No one can be truly happy without it.
But we make do with a less huge love.
Friendship.
So, my friends, I leave you with these words:
Even though I may not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you... I love you. With all my heart, I Love You.
Blessed Be xx
