Stirrings on the wind

Letting go is never easy.


What an understatement.


I walked home last night trying to let it all go again. The pain, the anger, the frustration, the fear, the disappointment... I guess it kinda worked. I feel okay now. 
Not great. I wont go that far. But OK. 
It's nice to feel like I can cope again to be fair.


I guess it helped that I'd had hours of comfort and fun with two amazing guys, then came home and found a slice of chocolate birthday cake waiting for me in my bedroom. 
Just seeing that people care can do the trick sometimes.
Actions really do speak so much louder than words.


The only thing is, I'm still trying to work out how to not slip back down again.
I've worked out the clawing my way back out of the black hole part - now I need to work out the not getting sucked in part.
Not as easy as it sounds...


If you think that escaping the gravitational pull of a black hole sounds easy that is...


ANYWAY!!


So, what have I got to tell you?
Oh, my, word! So much!!


First of all - a delayed but very warm welcome to Mathieu!! I can't believe that I've been bloging and haven't said that already!
I mean it though - it's amazing having him here!!
We went on Saturday to collect him from the airport, got there two hours early - literally arrived as he boarded the plane in Paris... Over eager maybe?
We hadn't even slept! Any of us! Me and Li had kinda passed out for half hour on my floor (loooong story) at around 3.30am... then got up at 4am, he went home and got ready, I got a shower and met him at his at gone 5am. 
Oh dear - the worst/best part of this shenanigan was that we went in suits. Li even had a sign saying "Flajolet" and sunglasses... we looked sooo cool/stupid/funny!


I can't believe he came over - I really can't.
I mean - I'm THRILLED that he's here! And I don't want to let him go home - because it's just amazing having yet another incredible friend so close by and being able to spend so much time with him... 
but at the same time - it took some guts to come here!!
Think of it this way - you meet someone online in a different country in order to teach each other your language (or in Mat's case to practice a language he's already studying and fluent in) - you get on and become friends - then get invited to the country, and agree to go on your own to meet said person and their friends...
Daunting much?
I'd not be brave enough to - I'm a chicken though to be fair hahaha


It's a bit like a dream to be fair.
I'm probably going to be a bit like "Did he really come?" next week when he's gone.
At the same time, it feels so... right. Like he's always been here. Meant to be here. 
It's so comfortable having him here. 
I don't want him to leave!!


It's so strange to think he's only been here a few days
Weirder still to think he's leaving like... tomorrow... ='(


There's so much we didn't get to do!!
It doesn't seem fair!!


I'm gonna miss him soooo much!


Tonight we have epic dancing at Kinky though - so... should be a right laugh!
We always have a laugh ^_^


I've been spending my evenings with Li and Mat lately. We just chill out and play on laptops, and laugh, and talk, then end up laid together tickling each other, sitting playing guitar, writing, reading, just being together. It's like a little bubble of heaven. 
I actually think of Mat as another best friend now. 
Is that even possible after such a short time knowing each other??


Li, as always, has been dragging me by the hand through some rough patches. 
It's less dragging, and more marching further ahead then demanding I come catch up. Like when little kids wont walk on, and you kinda stomp up the path then say "Come on!" and jab a finger to the floor by your side. "Now!" 
Bless him. He must be so sick of these stupid lows of mine.
I know I am.


He's not feeling too great himself lately.
By 'feeling' I mean the peripheral feeling that I get about him. I dunno how else to explain it. It's not how someone looks, or smells, or sounds - but it's similar. 
I think it's stress. Essays, work loads, interviews, waiting; then social issues that he gets relied on for; equipment going missing... he takes so much on and deals so well with it all. But lately there's this feeling about him - like he's tired of it all being twice as hard as it should be. 
Maybe that's just my feelings and I'm just thinking that they're his. 
I know that life is feeling ridiculously difficult lately. 
I mean, with deadlines fast approaching, and having to decide what to do next year, and getting ready to leave everyone... it's not the best time of year.


I know my other friends are feeling the strain too.
Kaydie is going slowly insane with the financial pressures that have creeped up this year.
Helen can't work out what to do with her life.
Russell is fighting a battle that he wont let any of us see.


All of us just seem to be getting worn out.
I think we need a break. 


Maybe next weekend we should have a BIG party, or a get away - actually leave Leicester together for a while... 
It would do us all some good.


Nights out are nice - but you always go the same places and see the same things, and you always come back thinking "I should have stayed in and done more work. I shouldn't have spent so much money."


We need an all expenses paid trip to somewhere fun!


Oh well.


This week has been so great in itself. Personally.
It's been my reading week (time to catch up without the threat of falling further behind)
Mathieu's been here
Chocolate!!
And so on...


Coming out the other side of this dark tunnel has helped too.
Maybe now things will get better. Properly better this time.
Not just 'Okay-ish'.
Not just 'It'll do'.
Not just 'For now'.


Better. Properly better. Like - life is GOOD - kind of better.


We'll all find our inspirations and get our work done.
We'll stop spending too much money - and the bursary will make it all ok.
Li will get into Swansea.
Helen will find a direction.
Kaydee will get on top of her bills.
Russell will slay his dragon.
And I'll finish something.




Don't look at me like that. It's gonna happen. All of it.




"With Hope. It should end in hope. [...]
 Hope is what guides me, it is what gets me through the days and especially the nights.
The hope that once you are gone from my sight it will not be for the last time. "


Let us end this with Hope, and try to live our lives with it always.




Blessed Be xx

make love, not war

"Make Love"


Who ever came up with that phrase should eat those words.
Strike that, anyone who ever miss-used those words should be made to shove them up their arse.


Fucking is a much more accurate description of a majority of the sex that occurs these days.
Maybe once it was an expression of love... though I've had my doubts since obese young.
Sex isn't even about reproduction. It's about fulfilling a selfish, primal desire for satisfaction.


So why do we link it to love?


They say that it's the closest you can be to someone; being literally inside them, or having them inside you.
But that's only physical, and love is metaphysical...


So perhaps if we look at the reverse...


We are supposed to love the people that we have intercourse with so that we feel the urge to protect the bearer of our child... though how that explains women loving the men...?
I suppose love is built up on trust, and you have to trust someone before they touch or invade your most sensitive, intimate parts; literally letting them inside you...


So, if the roots of sex are truly in Love, where has that gone?
When did sex become a commodity?
And why?


Did the free market really open our ideals so far? Or did we already view the body as product - ready to be packaged and sold off to the highest bidder.




You may be thinking 'Lauren, what the hell are you going on about? Where is all this coming from?'
So, let me deviate a little and explain where this thought process begins.




Today (well, I suppose since it's early Wednesday morning I should say last night) we watched Requiem for a Dream.
It's odd, interesting, kinda sick... and feeds brilliantly into Naked Lunch - the text I'm currently studying for Film and Literature. It's about drugs, drug addiction, and the things people do for drugs. 


There are four main story lines in the film. That of an abused girl turned drugie, her boyfriend and his best friend who are users and wannabe-dealers (one of them a heavy user, the other more controlled), and the mother of said boyfriend - who gets hooked on 'dieting pills'. Shan't give too much away in case you want to see the film and haven't as of yet (also, if you have seen the film, you don't need a break down of it anyway).


Basically, lots of bad stuff happens to the four of them (individually and together) and part of the film really got to me on a personal level.


Now, if you've read many of my older, rambling posts you'll know that I've been through some bad stuff when it comes to men, relationships, etcetera etcetera...
So, when this girl gets talked into sleeping with people for money/drugs (again, by the connotations and context) I instantly got that gut - OMG - feeling. 


That feeling of totally understanding. Of feeling the indignity, the disgust, and the necessity of it all.


"Can you turn the lights off?" She asks
"You never wanted them off before." The naked man behind her replies, sprawled out on the bed, waiting for her to disrobe. She can't turn and look at him. Her eyes stay focused firmly some point far away, trying not to feel. Trying so hard not to think.
"I know, but... please?" 
What should it matter to him anyway? It's not as if he wants to look. All he wants is to take. To use her body and satisfy his own lust. He doesn't need to see. He knows where everything is. Hasn't he seen enough?
"Okay" He acquiesces, dimming the lights as she begins to remove her top. She still can't look.


Because now she knows what love is. Now she's felt love. 
How do you go back on that?
How do you go back on feeling whole, and worth something?


Needs must.


I guess that's the thing. 
When her boyfriend calls the last time, and begs her to wait for him. To not go and be used just so she can get another fix. To not be nothing... it's the innocence in her voice when she asks
"Can you come today?"


Which need is greater? That of love, or that of drugs?
You never find out.
Not in the film at least.


There's these looks she has during the film, and they remind me of feelings - of times - of places. Times and places I'd rather had never happened, have never been... 


I'm laid in bed next to him, feeling utterly void. It's like being dead inside. 
I've given up. I may as well just give up. I may as well just give him what he wants. 
I've given him my body, my soul has disappeared, my heart is broken in a million pieces... I may as well just give him the rights to this and have done. 
The thought of being his girlfriend again makes some echo of me want to cry.
I text my best friend, telling him I'm giving up, giving in, letting him have me back again.
It's not as if I can feel anyway - it's not as if it matters.
He's asleep, or at least resting. 
I can't lay next to him for some reason right now. I get up and sleep walk to the kitchen where I take the call from my friend, who berates some feeling back into me.
I cry in the kitchen for so long I get scared he'll come find me.
I want to hide... but he's in my bed... in my room... in my house. 
If I could leave him here, I would... but I don't want to come back to him. 
Don't want to go back to being nothing after feeling what love really is.




It's not as if all of my experiences have been bad though.
There's plenty I've convinced myself were wonderful.


"We didn't have sex, Li; we made Love..." - me trying to convince either Li (or myself) that I'm in love with Will


"But it feels so right. It doesn't even hurt..." - me trying to convince one of us that DJ could be the man I loved


"But he loves me..." - possibly my worst excuse for 'loving' someone




I look around, and all I see is this desperate need for satisfaction.
One night stands.
Fuck-buddies.
Friends with benefits.
Open relationships.
Hell, even some relationships are just an excuse for satisfying needs!


So here I am, loosing faith in the world while we sell our selves to the highest bidder (well, not even the highest sometimes). 


That's why I enjoy spending my time with Libor and Mathieu.
Because, with them, there's none of that.
There's no sub clause, no cost, no conditions... 
They never treat me like a commodity, or an unnecessary part.
They're just cuddly, and nice, and wonderful.


Why isn't everyone like that?

Why aren't all boys so considerate? So kind? So HUMAN??


Why aren't girls either??


It's as if the world has turned into this mutant race, where all they do is take from each other. All they do is use other people to satisfy some want, some need, something more than they have. They only consider other people when it's of benefit to themselves.
Hell, I'm part of the mutant race in my own way. A majority of people I only consider when it suits me. That's so bad. I shouldn't be like that.
The thing is, you get treated like that for so long that you start doing it back. 


There are some people in my life that are constantly wanting something from me. The only thing is, they don't want me at all - they barely care. All they want is the thing... even if that thing is time. Even if it's only an ear. 
They ask you how you are, then barely wait for the answer before launching into their request.


I, for one, am probably very rude, in that I don't ask how people are very often (unless I've just been asked, then I feel it's obligatory). I often start a conversation with "Hey, do you mind if..." or some other question. Basically - what ever it is that I want to talk to them about.
I suppose the benefit of that is that when I ask how someone is, I really want to know the answer. Maybe it's more honest in that way? I don't know. Sometimes I feel bad about it, but then I think - if anyone had a major issue with it, they'd tell me, or at least stop being my friend. 


I tend to loose friends more out of loosing touch than by offending them though.
I have a slight tendency to 'drop off the map' as I call it.
Basically, I just stop doing things that require me socialising with anyone but my very closest of friends (i.e. Libor and my flat mates)
That's also pretty bad.


There's so much that I need to stop doing.
Like rambling about myself in blogs.
Or going on about stupid things in public places (yes, this is a public place)


The main one I need to do - the one that will basically stop the others from happening - is that I need to stop feeling like I'll never be good enough. 
Anyone who has ever felt that way will understand what I mean.
It's dibilitating. 
And it hurts. A lot. 


But enough about me, and my silly emotional rubbish. Enough with the ranting and raving and personal histories...


Hopefully you know how amazing you are.
Try never to forget that you really are great.




Blessed Be xx

proving love isn't just blind, it's bloody stupid

I sit quietly next to him, my fingers trailing lazily along the line of his neck.
The heat of his body next to me is like a fire, creeping slowly over my skin, permeating into the lower levels of my body, relaxing each muscle in turn. First my arm, then my leg start to unloosen and unfold beside him. My shoulder and stomach follow, neck and back relaxing into the cushions behind us; finaly the other side of my body joins in and only my head us left awake.
Something in me reminds my brain to stay in this moment, not float away. A dream threatens at the edge of my existence, enticing me in with its soft, bright colours and the promise of wonder.
Odd how when I'm alone sleep is some ominous threat of pain, conflict and intimidation, but when I'm snuggled up like this it seems like a cloud descending to take me away to heaven.

My head begins to droop as his hand strokes down my arm; my cheek sliding down to lay on his shoulder, eyes closing without permission.

Away from the world we float together in a sea of happiness so pure there aren't words to describe it.
Bliss has nothing on this moment.

As we lay together, simply existing with one another, the pains of my life melt away. Our lips meet, and the universe explodes. No one, no thing, no place or time can compare to this - to you.
Finally, finally I understand what this thing called love can really be, mean, feel like. Everything else was just a shadow.

This is what it really means to be truly happy. You... you are all that is, was, could be...

I am nothing, nothing but the echo of your smile.
My voice is a shadow of you lips.
My eyes a blink of your gaze.
My life a beat of your heart.
My world is you.

Waking in your arms should cement the deeam, but instead the illusion is shattered.
My dreams lay broken at your feet, and I claw back at the tears so you can't tell.

I can't stand loving you this much.
It breaks my heart every day, and even more every night.

I guess that proves love isn't just blind it's god damn stupid.

Love sucks.

Oh well.


Blessed be xx

Every day, something new

Well, this is new... blogging on my phone...
This could mean that I post more and more frequently! I'm not sure whether to apologise for that or not.

Lately I've not been feeling too great... but I'm sure most of you can relate to why.
There's this boy (cue groan over cliche issue) and I can't stop thinking about him.
I miss him every minute of the day.
When I talk to him my heart races... but in this gentle, contented way.
When he's around I go all red and stuff...

Sounds great right?
Being all in love and stuff?

I guess sometimes it is...

... but sometimes it's pure torture.

I just want to lay in his arms and feel that comforting safety, hear his steady heart beat, be encircled by his strong arms...
I want to hold his hand, and caress his skin, to feel his lips pressed against mine as if sealing something deep inside ourselves...

But I can't... and it's slowly tearing me apart...

love...

It's such a small word for such a big feeling.

I love you...

eight letters. three words. one life


Oh well. On we must go.


Blessed be xx