Marks of weakness, Marks of woe

You know when people say something - something and nothing, a throw away comment - and it sticks with you just because of how it made you feel? Recently someone told me to "Stop whining" because I was wishing my room would sort itself out.

Now, to explain the context that this person didn't understand:
My room is currently upside down. We decided to move things around to try and make it more livable, more accessible, more... well, more manageable. However, with there being two peoples stuff filling a small bedroom - that isn't easy to start with. In fact, even if I'd worked straight through and not had to stop it would have taken at least two days to finish. 

So, my room is currently just about working - there's still a huge pile in the majority of the room that's left to be sorted out when I have time, but I can finally get in and out of the room, use the bed, and actually use the desk to do some of the work I'm woefully behind on. At the point of writing that I wanted my room to sort itself out there wasn't even room to get on the bed. 

Why didn't it all get done in two days?
Well, because the other person who's room it is was working earlies... but got sent home ill, so needed the bed (which was piled up ridiculously high with things that needed to be organised into boxes and either stored back away or thrown out) so everything  got dumped on the floor. Two days later he was well enough to go back to work, but came home early again because the entire place had to be shut down (well, in a nut shell at least). So nothing got done for a good three or four days. That's four days of not being able to do anything in my room - which is the only place I can actually do any work. 

Hence, the next day, once my he'd gone off to work, the plan was to finish as much of the bedroom as possible, and finally get on with work again. I'd lost about a week at this point, and was just wanting to get on with it. Hence, in frustration I wrote what I did. 

To then be told to stop whining was just fucking irritating. 

So irritating it still makes me swear apparently!

I think, mostly, because the tone I had written in was purposefully up beat. And since then I've been stewing. Of course, at the time I did the sensible thing and ignored it; but after a day I got even more mad and started thinking up things I'd have liked to have said (but didn't really want to cause any hassle by doing so) - things like "That wasn't whining, it was barely even complaining - lets take a look at everything you ever say and see who's the whiny little bitch, shall we?" 

But more recently the tone has changed in my head. Because I'm not just mad at them for saying it, I'm mad at them for never talking to me and not knowing me, but judging me because they can. That person doesn't know what the hell I go through, or have been through, mentally/emotionally let alone physically - yet they're willing to have a dig at me in public? 

So the comment in my head turned to "Gee, thanks for helping with my severe clinical depression there...", but the reply (now too late to bother with anyway) would have just elicited derision at claiming to have depression - along with some kind of "cheer up emo kid" type of dismissal.

Which is what prompted me to post this actually.

The sweeping generalisations people make about depression when they have no idea what so ever what they're talking about. I was diagnosed as having severe clinical depression 6 years ago when I was 17. I hadn't felt any differently about life or myself since I was 13, so it's pretty safe to say I've been suffering from it for 10 years. I tried the treatments, and the counselling, and a bunch of other stuff which all managed to make me more suicidal than just dealing with it on my own. I'm not the sort of person it works for apparently. Something about being able to work out what my core problems are, how to deal with them, and so forth faster than my therapist could just made it seem redundant - and the pills, well, lets just say I'm never touching those again!

So I know a fair bit about what it's like to live with depression every day. 

I know a lot of people who have it too. There are some who make a big deal out of it (like a certain someone I happen to know had 'mild' depression who used it as an excuse to never do their course work and got themselves kicked out of university) others who self harm repeatedly because of it, some that take recreational drugs to deal with it - and some that just plain take it out on everyone else. I've also lost some people because of it.

Therefore, from an insiders view, let me tell you:
Depression is NOT when you feel a bit rubbish.

It's NOT a cry for attention.

It also does NOT mean that a person will self harm or attempt suicide.

It ISN'T a weakness.

and it certainly isn't something you can understand if you've always been an upbeat kind of person with no real issues.

It's a mental illness, yes. And it occurs in at least a third of the population of the world. More people who are intelligent get it than those who aren't. It can be a fore runner to other mental health issues such as psychosis, schizophrenia, or paranoia - in fact, most people with depression have a mild (to severe) form of paranoia anyway. 

But put it this way...

Depression is when every day is a struggle, and a day where you don't have to spend five or more minutes convincing yourself to get out of bed and face the world is a damn good day. A bad day is one where you just can't get out of bed, and even consider forfeiting urination just so you don't have to move away from the imaginary sanctuary your quilt offers you. Those are the days where you force yourself to sleep again and again just to escape reality for a little longer.

Depression is when your brain wont let you see that everything that goes wrong in your life - and anyone's life you're connected to - isn't actually all your fault. When you feel like you have to apologise for everything - including the weather. When nothing you do seems good enough, or worth a damn thing - but you keep trying anyway. When all that little conscious of yours will say to you is "You're useless. Just give up. What are you still bothering for anyway? Everyone hates you. You aren't worth their time."

Depression is when you have to either walk away from the kitchen, or concentrate damn hard on the vegetables you're preparing, because that knife only looks right in your hand when it's pointed at you. 

Depression is where you spend a majority of your life trying to convince yourself that things are actually worth while. That YOU are actually worth the energy. 

Some days are always worse than others, and there are always certain people you feel you have to hide it from. Sometimes it feels like you're breaking down inside and nothing will keep you from falling apart. Sometimes it feels like there's no point going on.

Other days you can be fine. Absolutely normal. Pessimistic, but not too much so. 

It's like arthritis - sometimes it'll flair up really badly, most days it's about manageable, and some days you don't even notice it. 

Most people who have depression and deal with it on a day to day basis hide it so well you wouldn't even notice.

For instance, mine has it's own lovely brand of social anxiety that comes with it - for me that basically means that I get claustrophobic around people, especially large crowds. But I deal with it by going to the toilet when it gets bad, or standing outside on my own for a few minutes. I would take up smoking for an excuse, but I just can't stand the idea of purposefully inhaling smoke... so I guess that's out of the question!

It's something I try not to make a big deal out of, and my friends are all used to that little quirk. "Oh, Lauren likes to go outside on her own." or "She just spends a lot of time in the bathroom - I assumed she was doing a number 2"...

But occasionally you have to explain; and when you do people are so shocked. 

"But you're so fun and outgoing!"

... yes, because everyone with depression dyes their hair black, wears excessive eye make-up, listens to doom metal and is completely unsociable... 

For me, being strong means not crying when everything feels like it's going wrong (and probably isn't). It's being terrified of leaving the house - but doing it anyway. For me, being strong is constantly trying to get on with life - even is there's a part of me that wants to give up forever. For me, and I think for anyone with depression, being strong is not letting the set backs knock you so far back that you can't face life any more (again). 

And yes, every day is a fight. 

Mental health problems don't just disappear, and there's no cure for long-term severe clinical depression. Post-natal depression is treatable because it's a partial hormone imbalance, and they put you on huge doses of anti-depressants to help you in those times.

People think that's because it's worse than normally occurring depression - but it isn't. It's because that mother doesn't have to be on it for long. It's a temporary measure. Someone with clinical depression has it for years (if they're lucky). You can't force that kind of chemical into someone's system for that long in those high a dose because you'd kill them. 

I guess I've given an odd impression at times, because I'm so used to how I am. On good days, if I end up talking about it with people I can be very light about it - as if talking about wanting to buy a shiny new toy rather than about wanting to die... but that's tough. Just because I accept who I am doesn't mean it isn't still hard. 

Sure, the acceptance helps you deal with it - and I will never put that down! Accepting anything that people say is "wrong" with you, just knowing in your heart it's a part of who you are, is the biggest step. I don't care if it's the first or last - it's the one that makes the biggest difference. If, after accepting it, you still don't like it, then you can start to do something about it, but trying to change before that is denying who you are and is at least ten times harder.

I think I've rambled on long enough now. Hopefully I'll be able to leave the throw away comment alone now and stop revisiting it. Or at least stop being so pissed about it.

As always, may the Goddess (or God, or Allah, or Buddha, or anyone else you're happy with) light your path, give you strength, and protect you (especially from yourself)

Blessed be

xxx