Letting go is never easy.
What an understatement.
I walked home last night trying to let it all go again. The pain, the anger, the frustration, the fear, the disappointment... I guess it kinda worked. I feel okay now.
Not great. I wont go that far. But OK.
It's nice to feel like I can cope again to be fair.
I guess it helped that I'd had hours of comfort and fun with two amazing guys, then came home and found a slice of chocolate birthday cake waiting for me in my bedroom.
Just seeing that people care can do the trick sometimes.
Actions really do speak so much louder than words.
The only thing is, I'm still trying to work out how to not slip back down again.
I've worked out the clawing my way back out of the black hole part - now I need to work out the not getting sucked in part.
Not as easy as it sounds...
If you think that escaping the gravitational pull of a black hole sounds easy that is...
ANYWAY!!
So, what have I got to tell you?
Oh, my, word! So much!!
First of all - a delayed but very warm welcome to Mathieu!! I can't believe that I've been bloging and haven't said that already!
I mean it though - it's amazing having him here!!
We went on Saturday to collect him from the airport, got there two hours early - literally arrived as he boarded the plane in Paris... Over eager maybe?
We hadn't even slept! Any of us! Me and Li had kinda passed out for half hour on my floor (loooong story) at around 3.30am... then got up at 4am, he went home and got ready, I got a shower and met him at his at gone 5am.
Oh dear - the worst/best part of this shenanigan was that we went in suits. Li even had a sign saying "Flajolet" and sunglasses... we looked sooo cool/stupid/funny!
I can't believe he came over - I really can't.
I mean - I'm THRILLED that he's here! And I don't want to let him go home - because it's just amazing having yet another incredible friend so close by and being able to spend so much time with him...
but at the same time - it took some guts to come here!!
Think of it this way - you meet someone online in a different country in order to teach each other your language (or in Mat's case to practice a language he's already studying and fluent in) - you get on and become friends - then get invited to the country, and agree to go on your own to meet said person and their friends...
Daunting much?
I'd not be brave enough to - I'm a chicken though to be fair hahaha
It's a bit like a dream to be fair.
I'm probably going to be a bit like "Did he really come?" next week when he's gone.
At the same time, it feels so... right. Like he's always been here. Meant to be here.
It's so comfortable having him here.
I don't want him to leave!!
It's so strange to think he's only been here a few days
Weirder still to think he's leaving like... tomorrow... ='(
There's so much we didn't get to do!!
It doesn't seem fair!!
I'm gonna miss him soooo much!
Tonight we have epic dancing at Kinky though - so... should be a right laugh!
We always have a laugh ^_^
I've been spending my evenings with Li and Mat lately. We just chill out and play on laptops, and laugh, and talk, then end up laid together tickling each other, sitting playing guitar, writing, reading, just being together. It's like a little bubble of heaven.
I actually think of Mat as another best friend now.
Is that even possible after such a short time knowing each other??
Li, as always, has been dragging me by the hand through some rough patches.
It's less dragging, and more marching further ahead then demanding I come catch up. Like when little kids wont walk on, and you kinda stomp up the path then say "Come on!" and jab a finger to the floor by your side. "Now!"
Bless him. He must be so sick of these stupid lows of mine.
I know I am.
He's not feeling too great himself lately.
By 'feeling' I mean the peripheral feeling that I get about him. I dunno how else to explain it. It's not how someone looks, or smells, or sounds - but it's similar.
I think it's stress. Essays, work loads, interviews, waiting; then social issues that he gets relied on for; equipment going missing... he takes so much on and deals so well with it all. But lately there's this feeling about him - like he's tired of it all being twice as hard as it should be.
Maybe that's just my feelings and I'm just thinking that they're his.
I know that life is feeling ridiculously difficult lately.
I mean, with deadlines fast approaching, and having to decide what to do next year, and getting ready to leave everyone... it's not the best time of year.
I know my other friends are feeling the strain too.
Kaydie is going slowly insane with the financial pressures that have creeped up this year.
Helen can't work out what to do with her life.
Russell is fighting a battle that he wont let any of us see.
All of us just seem to be getting worn out.
I think we need a break.
Maybe next weekend we should have a BIG party, or a get away - actually leave Leicester together for a while...
It would do us all some good.
Nights out are nice - but you always go the same places and see the same things, and you always come back thinking "I should have stayed in and done more work. I shouldn't have spent so much money."
We need an all expenses paid trip to somewhere fun!
Oh well.
This week has been so great in itself. Personally.
It's been my reading week (time to catch up without the threat of falling further behind)
Mathieu's been here
Chocolate!!
And so on...
Coming out the other side of this dark tunnel has helped too.
Maybe now things will get better. Properly better this time.
Not just 'Okay-ish'.
Not just 'It'll do'.
Not just 'For now'.
Better. Properly better. Like - life is GOOD - kind of better.
We'll all find our inspirations and get our work done.
We'll stop spending too much money - and the bursary will make it all ok.
Li will get into Swansea.
Helen will find a direction.
Kaydee will get on top of her bills.
Russell will slay his dragon.
And I'll finish something.
Don't look at me like that. It's gonna happen. All of it.
"With Hope. It should end in hope. [...]
Hope is what guides me, it is what gets me through the days and especially the nights.
The hope that once you are gone from my sight it will not be for the last time. "
Let us end this with Hope, and try to live our lives with it always.
Blessed Be xx
What an understatement.
I walked home last night trying to let it all go again. The pain, the anger, the frustration, the fear, the disappointment... I guess it kinda worked. I feel okay now.
Not great. I wont go that far. But OK.
It's nice to feel like I can cope again to be fair.
I guess it helped that I'd had hours of comfort and fun with two amazing guys, then came home and found a slice of chocolate birthday cake waiting for me in my bedroom.
Just seeing that people care can do the trick sometimes.
Actions really do speak so much louder than words.
The only thing is, I'm still trying to work out how to not slip back down again.
I've worked out the clawing my way back out of the black hole part - now I need to work out the not getting sucked in part.
Not as easy as it sounds...
If you think that escaping the gravitational pull of a black hole sounds easy that is...
ANYWAY!!
So, what have I got to tell you?
Oh, my, word! So much!!
First of all - a delayed but very warm welcome to Mathieu!! I can't believe that I've been bloging and haven't said that already!
I mean it though - it's amazing having him here!!
We went on Saturday to collect him from the airport, got there two hours early - literally arrived as he boarded the plane in Paris... Over eager maybe?
We hadn't even slept! Any of us! Me and Li had kinda passed out for half hour on my floor (loooong story) at around 3.30am... then got up at 4am, he went home and got ready, I got a shower and met him at his at gone 5am.
Oh dear - the worst/best part of this shenanigan was that we went in suits. Li even had a sign saying "Flajolet" and sunglasses... we looked sooo cool/stupid/funny!
I can't believe he came over - I really can't.
I mean - I'm THRILLED that he's here! And I don't want to let him go home - because it's just amazing having yet another incredible friend so close by and being able to spend so much time with him...
but at the same time - it took some guts to come here!!
Think of it this way - you meet someone online in a different country in order to teach each other your language (or in Mat's case to practice a language he's already studying and fluent in) - you get on and become friends - then get invited to the country, and agree to go on your own to meet said person and their friends...
Daunting much?
I'd not be brave enough to - I'm a chicken though to be fair hahaha
It's a bit like a dream to be fair.
I'm probably going to be a bit like "Did he really come?" next week when he's gone.
At the same time, it feels so... right. Like he's always been here. Meant to be here.
It's so comfortable having him here.
I don't want him to leave!!
It's so strange to think he's only been here a few days
Weirder still to think he's leaving like... tomorrow... ='(
There's so much we didn't get to do!!
It doesn't seem fair!!
I'm gonna miss him soooo much!
Tonight we have epic dancing at Kinky though - so... should be a right laugh!
We always have a laugh ^_^
I've been spending my evenings with Li and Mat lately. We just chill out and play on laptops, and laugh, and talk, then end up laid together tickling each other, sitting playing guitar, writing, reading, just being together. It's like a little bubble of heaven.
I actually think of Mat as another best friend now.
Is that even possible after such a short time knowing each other??
Li, as always, has been dragging me by the hand through some rough patches.
It's less dragging, and more marching further ahead then demanding I come catch up. Like when little kids wont walk on, and you kinda stomp up the path then say "Come on!" and jab a finger to the floor by your side. "Now!"
Bless him. He must be so sick of these stupid lows of mine.
I know I am.
He's not feeling too great himself lately.
By 'feeling' I mean the peripheral feeling that I get about him. I dunno how else to explain it. It's not how someone looks, or smells, or sounds - but it's similar.
I think it's stress. Essays, work loads, interviews, waiting; then social issues that he gets relied on for; equipment going missing... he takes so much on and deals so well with it all. But lately there's this feeling about him - like he's tired of it all being twice as hard as it should be.
Maybe that's just my feelings and I'm just thinking that they're his.
I know that life is feeling ridiculously difficult lately.
I mean, with deadlines fast approaching, and having to decide what to do next year, and getting ready to leave everyone... it's not the best time of year.
I know my other friends are feeling the strain too.
Kaydie is going slowly insane with the financial pressures that have creeped up this year.
Helen can't work out what to do with her life.
Russell is fighting a battle that he wont let any of us see.
All of us just seem to be getting worn out.
I think we need a break.
Maybe next weekend we should have a BIG party, or a get away - actually leave Leicester together for a while...
It would do us all some good.
Nights out are nice - but you always go the same places and see the same things, and you always come back thinking "I should have stayed in and done more work. I shouldn't have spent so much money."
We need an all expenses paid trip to somewhere fun!
Oh well.
This week has been so great in itself. Personally.
It's been my reading week (time to catch up without the threat of falling further behind)
Mathieu's been here
Chocolate!!
And so on...
Coming out the other side of this dark tunnel has helped too.
Maybe now things will get better. Properly better this time.
Not just 'Okay-ish'.
Not just 'It'll do'.
Not just 'For now'.
Better. Properly better. Like - life is GOOD - kind of better.
We'll all find our inspirations and get our work done.
We'll stop spending too much money - and the bursary will make it all ok.
Li will get into Swansea.
Helen will find a direction.
Kaydee will get on top of her bills.
Russell will slay his dragon.
And I'll finish something.
Don't look at me like that. It's gonna happen. All of it.
"With Hope. It should end in hope. [...]
Hope is what guides me, it is what gets me through the days and especially the nights.
The hope that once you are gone from my sight it will not be for the last time. "
Let us end this with Hope, and try to live our lives with it always.
Blessed Be xx
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