Love Letters

For my love,

How long has it been since your name was entwined with mine?
I gave you up so long ago. Stopped believing you were real in any of the ways that matter. Stopped believing the things you said. Stopped letting myself care about you.
I moved on. I forced myself to.
That night I tattooed your initials on my leg with permanent marker, I placed another's beside it. I remember staring at it through my tights each day that week, knowing what I was giving up, and not wanting to. Tracing the lines of that letter, until I had the courage to give my heart to someone else.


But you never gave me up. I gave my heart away time and time again, never finding real happiness; but through it all you were there - calling me, talking to me, being everything you always were. I'd complain, I had to really... I was engaged... I couldn't have a random man call me and end the conversation with
"I love you, bye."


The reason we never stayed together was because we never met up. We never had the money, or the time... plenty of inclination though. It should have been enough. I know it should. I wanted you to be my first.... 

But things don't always turn out that way... do they?....

Then, finally, we meet... and it's like we're 16 again! The past melts away and you're just you, and I'm just me, and nothing seems to have changed. It's so much fun! We have a great time, you even get along with my friends, and there's that humour of yours shining through everything. I totally forget that what you do takes you away from me constantly, or that you aren't going to be able to stay just that little bit longer than planned. That you can't just stay over when ever you want. 

It's like I've found a piece of heaven... and it's been there all along...

Life just seemed to fall into place. You made it all feel right again... 

I spent so much time just looking at you, as if I could drink you in with my eyes. Part of me knew you would have to leave, and started making note of everything about you so I had it all saved up for when you were gone. That smile of yours will keep me feeling warm inside until it fades from my memory. The way it lights up your entire face... the way it feels like it's just for me...

But then... 

     ... leaving early... 

          ... not wanting you to go...

      ... always fearing being left makes it so much harder to watch you leave...

...You were right of course. Time for the real world. And the real world isn't about relaxing with friends, or having breakfast together, or wandering around town, or laughing together... not for you... 

I catch myself thinking about you, and force myself to stop; because I know that your world can't be mine, and mine... mine just isn't real to you. 

I can admit now that I have always loved you. Since you were just my friends long-distance thing... since we were young and innocent(er)... through my years of discovery, and yours... through my relationships and your departures... right up until now... I've loved you.

Seeing you brought every feeling back to the surface that I had buried so many years ago, and now those feelings wont go away again.

I'm trying to pull back together the feelings I had before. The complicated friendships and the almost relationships. The feelings that practically evaporated when you kissed me for the first time. Nothing, and no-one, seems to compare to you any more...

I miss you.

I love you.

I'll live without you. 

I know I'll have to.

My heart has been returned to you again. Keep it safe. I want it back... along with the rest of you.

     Yours eternally...

x x x x x