Blocked

It's like every time I try to do something, or I accidentally do something lately I just get blocked.
I don't mean as in the on-line term. I mean just physically, emotionally, mentally blocked.

I get feelings for a boy. I get blocked
I try to get with a different boy who I love. I get blocked.
I try to stop feeling stuff for boys. I get total block.

I feel like I've let people into my heart and they've just crushed it.

How can it have come to this??
How can things have gone from so perfect, to so shit, in a single day?

How can someone tell you they love you, and make you believe it... Make you feel like the only person in the entire world... Make you feel like the only person who can make them happy is you, and the only one who can make you happy is them... and then turn around and say they don't want to be with you? Not just don't - NEVER want to be with you. There's an 'ever' in never. As in - don't EVER. As in - not EVER. As in - it was just a bit of fun.

Gee thanks. I'm good enough to play with and keep in the peripherals of your life, but not good enough to be with you through it all.
He is basically saying "I can't trust you" or "I don't want you to be part of this". It all translates to "not good enough" no matter what anyone tries to say otherwise.
It's a kick in the teeth if nothing else.

But you know what hurts more? What is pissing me off beyond all belief, and what is driving me god damn insane??
The fact that I knew, I knew, it'd be like this.
I knew I shouldn't let things get that deep. Knew I shouldn't let him in, and give him that stupid heart of mine. Knew it would only break - as it did - and only hurt too much to bear. Knew I'd have no one to blame but myself when it happened.
I god damn saw it coming, and still walked into it with my arms wide open.

WHY!??

Am I such a glutton for punishment?
Do I want to be hurt or something??

The phrase "What were you thinking?" doesn't even start to describe it!

I mean, I let myself feel so much for him. Feel what I felt years ago and then some. Feel what I felt for the other two great loves in my life, with that little bit extra on top.
I have never been so nervous or reserved in my behaviour before. Maybe next time I'll be reserved in my feelings instead.
Ha- I wish.

The heart break was easy enough to deal with. I've felt my heart break a million times before. I'm used to that.
What I can't deal with is the fact that I walked straight into it.

It's like walking into a lamppost!
Yeah, if you're not paying attention, or you're running really fast and dodge out of one things way and into the lamppost, it's kinda funny - kinda embarrassing - and really painful.
But this is more like seeing the lamppost and going - naaah, that's not really there! Then walking (or running) straight into it. Just as funny, just as painful - but the embarrassment is so much worse. And you kick yourself so hard for not believing your own eyes.

So yeah - that's me. So blonde that I walked (metaphysically) into a lamppost that I saw coming.

...

-.-

I suppose I wouldn't be so angry and upset if it weren't for my hormones being at peek 'INSANITY' time... but you can only blame hormones for so much.
I've been practically psychotic lately.
Smashing glass bottles against the wall only seemed normal-ish because I convinced my flatmates to join in. Safety in numbers when it comes to craziness.

Slamming my not-so-working phone into a wall and killing it however - not so normal-ish.
The speaker(s) had totally stopped working, which annoyed the hell out of me, and in my childish, rage-filled mood, I thought that hitting it "gently" against the wall would fix said speakers.
Note to self, don't slam touch-screen phones into walls. It breaks them. Lots.

Oh well. I was needing a new phone anyway... this way I just have to buy one in the morning, rather than in a few weeks when I've a better idea of what to get.
Could be worse. I could have dropped it in the shower... or soaked it in energy drink... >.>...<.<....>.>...
okay, so I've done those before with this phone... but this is damage beyond my repair level.
I suppose I'd be upset if it weren't for the fact I've been wanting to get rid of this phone now for a while (since it was bought for me by an ex that I'm trying to forget) and it actually worked properly.
I thought I'd been sleeping through alarms and was going crazy for not hearing my text-tone. Nope, just wasn't playing the stupid things.

Oh well.

Angry, non-sense rant over.


Blessed Be xx