Rain Drops and Roses

Today is not a good day.

I've been dating the most wonderful woman lately. She's funny, smart, beautiful and kind. She challenges me, supports me, makes me want to be better than I am and believe that I'm good enough for the first time in a long time. We have fun together, and snuggle up to watch tv. We do crafty bits together and cook together and spend as much time together as possible.

But there's a hitch to this fairytale. She has MS.

If you don't know, MS stands for multiple sclerosis, and it's an auto immune disease which enjoys targeting the central nervous system and the brain. Apart from the fact it causes my dream girl to suffer from brain fog and confusion, occasional paralysis of part of her face, and has completely taken the use of her legs, what this disease mostly does is cause her pain. Excruciating, unbearable pain. And let me tell you now, one of the hardest things in this life is seeing someone you love in pain. Especially when there is nothing you can do about it.

One of the other hardest things in this life is seeing fear in your lovers eyes as they clutch their head in pain and stutter out a description of some new pain and odd sensation that they have never dealt with before.

Most of the problems MS causes, such as the painand mobility problems, are generated through lesions on the spine and brain.
So every time a new symptom appears  (and stays) it tends to mean there is a new lesion. And the fun thing about lesions is that they get worse. And worse.
So, for example, a lesion in your Cspine could worsen until you were paralysed from the neck down. One in the speech centre of your brain could worsen until you could no longer speak. One in your ocular center could eventually blind you. And so on.

Not only is all of the above true, but - as with any illness - it gets worse when you don't feel well.

It's been months now, and neither of us can shake this cold/chest infection. But tonight seems to have worn her down too much.

The pain is so bad she keeps bursting in to tears. Her speech so slurred she can't stand the sound of her own voice. And all I can do is hold her while she cries.

No. Today is not a good day.

As selfish as it is, it's so hard. There's been no one to talk to about it.
There's no way to vent.
So this is me venting.

It isn't fair.

It isn't fair that our lives have always interacted in these little ways that we never knew about. It isn't fair that we both got stuck with assholes through our lives when we could have been together from day one. It isn't fair that we never got to dance together. It isn't fair that this stupid illness has taken the mind and mobility of the woman I love before I got to hold her and love her. It isn't fair that I am helpless when she's in pain. It isn't fair that I watch it take her away one piece at a time, and I wake in the night terrified I'll have lost her completely.

And it's not fair that she's worth it.

Because she is. She's worth every bad day. Every sleepless night. Every frustration. All of it. I'm not going to give her up. Not even if I end up with only a thousandth of who she was. Because she is perfect. She has my heart. And even the tiniest part of her is still incredible, and I am honoured to be with her.

Tomorrow might be a good day. I hope so. Until the next good day I'll focus on the good things. The warm woollen mittens. The puppies and kittens.

Keep your head up. Thank you for letting me vent.
Remember to smile on impact.

Blessed Be xx