Something snaps inside. I can't take any more.
His text flashes up:
"I wish you were here."
Well, I'm glad I'm not - thankyouverymuch.
The phone is tossed on the table beside my laptop, and I scan over what I've written. Suddenly I can't find the motivation to carry on this stupid technical script. I was doing fine! I mean, sure, it was a struggle to get out of bed today... and sure, I've missed my lectures... but I was doing okay! I was getting the silly script finally done and out of the way.
So why can I suddenly not write any more?
I'd say some days it's hard... but I'd be lying. It's always hard. It is for most people.
Most days you kick yourself out of bed, get clean, go face the day.
Why is today different?
I guess it's because of last night.
Last night was depressing because my friends were low... and because I started realising things about myself. Things that have been resurfacing now and then. Memories slowly fitting themselves into a pattern for me.
I figure it'll change one day. The picture will suddenly be different, and I'll be able to accept men as equals rather than the challenge. I'll be able to connect with someone and make love - rather than close off during intimacy. I'll be able to accept it all and smile, and say "Yes, but it made me who I am - and I wouldn't change a thing!"
Maybe that will never happen, but here's to hoping.
I run a hand through my hair and grab the phone back up. This time I take it with me and dive into my silky bed.
I will not cry. I will not cry.
The tears stay checked and I look at my phone for a moment. Maybe I should just ride this out. Get through it. I'll be fine.
My thumb scans softly sideways through home screens and taps the little icon labelled 'Libor' without thinking.
I'll just see how he is... Maybe he's finished working for today...
"Hello?" There's voices and general noise in the background. I'm so used to this that I'm pretty sure I can name the building. I'm betting on Queens.
"Hey, how you doing?"
"I'm alright. Are you?" There's the first hint of concern in his voice. I'd not even let mine wobble though!
"I'm fine." I lie, "What you up to? Are you busy?"
A slight sigh on his end lets me know he wishes he were in bed. "Well... I'm just editing some stuff at the mo. Then I've got a meeting soon with Amy... then marketing... Why? What's up?"
I normally get defensive at being asked 'what's up?' - partly because it makes it sound like I need something ... mostly because I'm normally asked when there's nothing wrong.
"Nothing!" I lie again, though - even to me - my voice sounds overly bright, with dew drop tears clinging to it here and there "Just thought you might be finished by now!"
"Mm, yeah. We finished the shoot, but now we're up in Avid doing some editing." (Yes, I was right - Avid is in Queens) "Seriously - how are you?"
I pause, torn between the lie and breaking down. "Not great..." I opt for truth "I could just do with a kick up the bum is all." The tears are starting to seep into my voice, though my eyes aren't letting them go yet. "I'm fine. I'll see you in Marketing."
"Are you in bed right now?"
God he's good. Knows me far too well.
"Maaaaaybe..?"
Another sigh - this time more of a 'chuh' outwards huff; distracted. "How long does it take to get to yours from here?"
"Um.. like... 20 mins? Wait - what? No..."
"Okay, see you soon."
"No! Li!! You're busy! Don't you dare! I'll see you in marketing."
"Okay. See you later."
Well. That was fun. What did you do that for?
I look blankly at my phone for a second, before burying my face in the pillows. Where does all this pain keep welling up from?
For a moment I let it overwhelm me. The pain becomes physical, raking through my body like a million razor blades; my chest floods with heat and my breathing becomes tight as I let the tears come, pooling in my pillow as I gasp for breath between sobs.
Slowly it eases though, as if I'm pulling it back into myself; letting it out in reverse. I claw it all back, along with my control. The crying dies down into sniffles, and I wipe away the remaining tears with the back of my teddy.
Looking around I see a rack full of dry clothes, a heap of washing to be done, a pile of unsorted paperwork... I don't want to get out of bed; I want to stay here and cry some more - but that's not going to help.
"Get up. Come on, get up and sort yourself out."
I'm by my desk before I can give my self time to weasel out of it.
Music. I need music. Happy music.
The dance songs come on, and I force myself to bounce around to them. Soon, I'm not trying to enjoy them, I am doing. My washing gets put away as I shake my bum in the more ridiculous form of dancing (that one that mums reserve for dusting and tidying). My laundry basket is carried downstairs to the swaying rhythm of 'Tic Tock'.
It's only once I'm feeling better that I hear the doorbell go.
There he is, stood with a bag full of lunch, ready to make everything okay again.
Li - come to save the day.
My knight in shining armour, and he doesn't believe me that I'm okay now. Irony strikes again.
The thing is that I can't explain what was wrong.
Not properly at least - because I don't really understand what's wrong.
The guy tells me he loves me, and I get mad, then upset, then turn to Li and want to cry.
It doesn't make sense.
Being told "I love you", "I miss you", "I wish I were there", should make you feel good, happy, in-love...
but it doesn't. It makes me feel nauseous and annoyed.
I'm starting to think it's because it feels like a lie.
Not just because I don't feel it. Not just because I want to scream "I'm Not In Love With You!!" into their faces and run away forever. But because it feels like, even if I did, they would be like - "Oh.. okay - can we still have sex?" Because it feels as if they don't care at all, they just want what I'll give if they think that we're "in-love".
I suppose my frustration is because I want to make them see that they don't even know what love IS. Because love isn't about kissing, and sex, and 'pleasing' the other person. Love is about just wanting to spend time with a person; about wanting to hold their hand just so you can be close to them. Sex always seems like an ulterior motive to me.
I've probably said this before, but I hate sex. It's not just complication - it's pain, and it's selfish.
My friends talk about a connection. About being so close to someone you just are them at the same time...
I've been with enough people enough times to know about sex; and I've never felt that.
Need - yes. Desire - yes. Pleasure - of course.
But at the end of the day, it's still just me, and it's still just them. No deep, meaningful stuff. No merging of beings. No love.
Sex isn't love to me. The two aren't even overlapped in my mind any more. They're practically mutually exclusive.
I've felt closer, and more connected - more in-love - more part of someone else by just laying with them; snuggling... maybe even kissing.
Odd that while kissing the world melts away, and there's only the two of us left - unending, separated by nothing but our own desire to remain whole on our own...
...yet it gets to penetration and I withdraw.
Maybe I've just never trusted anyone 100%.
I lay on the bed next to Li as he produces sandwiches from his bag, and drinks. I'm not hungry, but I feel bad for dragging him away from everything and then refusing his gift. I take the drink and chastise him light heartedly for buying me things - for leaving his meetings when I said not to. I open my mouth to ask why he came, to tell him he didn't have to - but stop.
I'd have done the same. I realise. I'd drop everything for him if he needed me.
So I just shake my head and smile.
It's been a while since the discovery that he cared for me as much as I cared for him rocked my world. I still forget. I'm not used to it - not at all. Not used to having someone even pretend to return the devoted feelings I have without physical payment.
As I look at him sat on my bed, eating his 'reduced price' sandwich, I realise that the reason I care so much for this boy is because he's never wanted anything from me. He's always just given freely everything he had - and never demanded anything in return.
The concept isn't foreign to me. I've always been the same. What is foreign is someone else being that way - especially a boy.
He looks up at me as if he's been caught doing something wrong, or embarassing. His hands are still cradling the sandwich not far from his mouth.
"What?" he asks, staring into my eyes.
Damn, you must have been staring again.
"What?" I return, making my eyes go round and innocent. I wasn't thinking about you being too damn amazing for your own good! Honest!
"What were you looking at?"
"You...?" stick to the truth. I manage to make it a question - as if the answer so obvious my question is more 'what else would I be looking at?'
He finally drops the subject after a little tête-a-tête.
Things are often like that with us. It's like playing verbal keep-away. You dodge the question until they catch you and you give in, or until they drop the subject. I don't just mean me and Li; it's all of us - all our friends.
Sometimes you can just force the subject to change - well, I can at least, I don't know about the others. You just get a bit stern, and people back away. It's great.
But I don't normally get stern with Li. Mainly because he trumps my sternness with his own brand of 'Man-of-the-house' stern-voice. My 'dad-voice' doesn't quite match up.
Part of me is glowing with a warm pride anyway. A pride in myself for not wallowing until someone came to pull me from the mire. Pride in pulling myself out of the pit of despair and kicking myself up the bum.
I think I might actually be forging some kind of independence.
About bleeding time.
We sit and talk for an hour or so, half dodging phone calls from friends asking where we are and if we're okay. It's hard to say "Just leave us alone" really.
I suppose that's why sometimes I wish we were a couple. That way we'd be able to say "Can we have some alone time" - or, not even that, just go off with each other - and no one would bother us. No one would question it. It would be 'normal' for us to want alone time.
Ah, if only things were that simple.
Part of my mind frowns at the situation.
Why can't it be that simple?
It isn't petulant; it isn't the "It's not fair" voice - it's the voice of reason saying "Well, why can't you go to University if you want to?"
You know, the voice that say's 'your arguments against what you want to do are totally silly and ridiculous - in fact, they don't even exist!'
It's asking "What's stopping you?"
There's a list about a mile long if I'm honest.
Main reasons?
a) 'intimacy' would be expected... and there's a huge complication with that which I wont go into right now.
b) neither of us are really ready for a 'mutually exclusive' thing with anyone.
c) if we felt that way about each other, we'd already be dating.
Not only that, but getting with someone just so that you can have time alone with them seems a pretty silly reason in the first place.
I don't have to say any of it to Li - he already knows.
I think of all those people who've commented in the past:
"oh, why aren't you two together?"
"you make such a cute couple"
"isn't he your boyfriend?"
"Are you two dating yet?"
I mean, a majority of the girls I know (okay, most of the ones Li and I both know) would happily jump into bed with him - or marry him - in a heart beat (not that he realises this). So I get that they might think that being as close as me and Kaydee are to him one of us should be 'in-there'... well, I think I get it...
And I get that we sneak off together more often than most actual couples do...
So I understand where the speculation comes from - I guess...
Doesn't matter how many times I (or he, or we) say "It's our business - stay out" the speculations keep coming. They just kinda move to behind our backs.
Maybe it's because we have a relationship that no-one else seems to have.
I mean, he and Kaydee get the same speculation. They make out a lot, and spend time together a lot... but in the end, that's just not what their relationship is... you know?
The only thing stopping them being a couple is them not wanting to be one. Same as us.
I loose track of the conversation a couple of times while my mind floats around a few more subjects.
I think about Will, and how he says he loves me. How he wants to be in a relationship.
I think of how I can't even begin to handle that.
It's not just him being far away - though that's a big part of it really - it's that I've never trusted him. Not properly. And it's not just with my feelings, or with the truth - not just normal things like cheating, or lying - it's things like trusting him to stay alive.
Maybe this is selfish, but I don't think I can stand to loose someone like that again. Death is just too permanent. I don't do permanent.
Then there's DJ... and I just don't know what to think there. How do you believe someone when they say the same things to you as they did your best friend - only to turn round months later and say the opposite?
I mean, I feel something for him... and even if it isn't as strong as what I feel for my friends, or as deeply rooted in desire as my feelings for Will... it's still something; and it's comfortable. Like with an old acquaintance - the slight lack of true feeling gives enough distance for this easy comfort.
Don't get me wrong, I loved him.
Not as intensely as I maybe portrayed... but... still... it was there.
So why do I not feel it the same way any more?
And why do I never tell him I feel differently to then?
I shake my head with confusion and start a new subject with Li.
Anything to keep my mind from love and my lack of kindness in it.
No wonder only the crazy boys are attracted to me.
Loving me is pain.
I seem to make sure of that.
Though I'm not sure how - or that I like it.
My shining knight is trying to persuade me to eat the other sandwich, and I'm finally distracted by trying to come up with a better excuse than "I'm not hungry"... since apparently that's not a good enough excuse.
After a while we just sit and laugh.
The power of a true friend.
Strange how when all I want is to be alone, I'm still happy being with him.
I guess that's how you can tell a person's closer to you than skin - when being with them is so comfortable it's like being alone, without any pressure to put on the show, or be someone else.
Blessed Be xx
His text flashes up:
"I wish you were here."
Well, I'm glad I'm not - thankyouverymuch.
The phone is tossed on the table beside my laptop, and I scan over what I've written. Suddenly I can't find the motivation to carry on this stupid technical script. I was doing fine! I mean, sure, it was a struggle to get out of bed today... and sure, I've missed my lectures... but I was doing okay! I was getting the silly script finally done and out of the way.
So why can I suddenly not write any more?
I'd say some days it's hard... but I'd be lying. It's always hard. It is for most people.
Most days you kick yourself out of bed, get clean, go face the day.
Why is today different?
I guess it's because of last night.
Last night was depressing because my friends were low... and because I started realising things about myself. Things that have been resurfacing now and then. Memories slowly fitting themselves into a pattern for me.
I figure it'll change one day. The picture will suddenly be different, and I'll be able to accept men as equals rather than the challenge. I'll be able to connect with someone and make love - rather than close off during intimacy. I'll be able to accept it all and smile, and say "Yes, but it made me who I am - and I wouldn't change a thing!"
Maybe that will never happen, but here's to hoping.
I run a hand through my hair and grab the phone back up. This time I take it with me and dive into my silky bed.
I will not cry. I will not cry.
The tears stay checked and I look at my phone for a moment. Maybe I should just ride this out. Get through it. I'll be fine.
My thumb scans softly sideways through home screens and taps the little icon labelled 'Libor' without thinking.
I'll just see how he is... Maybe he's finished working for today...
"Hello?" There's voices and general noise in the background. I'm so used to this that I'm pretty sure I can name the building. I'm betting on Queens.
"Hey, how you doing?"
"I'm alright. Are you?" There's the first hint of concern in his voice. I'd not even let mine wobble though!
"I'm fine." I lie, "What you up to? Are you busy?"
A slight sigh on his end lets me know he wishes he were in bed. "Well... I'm just editing some stuff at the mo. Then I've got a meeting soon with Amy... then marketing... Why? What's up?"
I normally get defensive at being asked 'what's up?' - partly because it makes it sound like I need something ... mostly because I'm normally asked when there's nothing wrong.
"Nothing!" I lie again, though - even to me - my voice sounds overly bright, with dew drop tears clinging to it here and there "Just thought you might be finished by now!"
"Mm, yeah. We finished the shoot, but now we're up in Avid doing some editing." (Yes, I was right - Avid is in Queens) "Seriously - how are you?"
I pause, torn between the lie and breaking down. "Not great..." I opt for truth "I could just do with a kick up the bum is all." The tears are starting to seep into my voice, though my eyes aren't letting them go yet. "I'm fine. I'll see you in Marketing."
"Are you in bed right now?"
God he's good. Knows me far too well.
"Maaaaaybe..?"
Another sigh - this time more of a 'chuh' outwards huff; distracted. "How long does it take to get to yours from here?"
"Um.. like... 20 mins? Wait - what? No..."
"Okay, see you soon."
"No! Li!! You're busy! Don't you dare! I'll see you in marketing."
"Okay. See you later."
Well. That was fun. What did you do that for?
I look blankly at my phone for a second, before burying my face in the pillows. Where does all this pain keep welling up from?
For a moment I let it overwhelm me. The pain becomes physical, raking through my body like a million razor blades; my chest floods with heat and my breathing becomes tight as I let the tears come, pooling in my pillow as I gasp for breath between sobs.
Slowly it eases though, as if I'm pulling it back into myself; letting it out in reverse. I claw it all back, along with my control. The crying dies down into sniffles, and I wipe away the remaining tears with the back of my teddy.
Looking around I see a rack full of dry clothes, a heap of washing to be done, a pile of unsorted paperwork... I don't want to get out of bed; I want to stay here and cry some more - but that's not going to help.
"Get up. Come on, get up and sort yourself out."
I'm by my desk before I can give my self time to weasel out of it.
Music. I need music. Happy music.
The dance songs come on, and I force myself to bounce around to them. Soon, I'm not trying to enjoy them, I am doing. My washing gets put away as I shake my bum in the more ridiculous form of dancing (that one that mums reserve for dusting and tidying). My laundry basket is carried downstairs to the swaying rhythm of 'Tic Tock'.
It's only once I'm feeling better that I hear the doorbell go.
There he is, stood with a bag full of lunch, ready to make everything okay again.
Li - come to save the day.
My knight in shining armour, and he doesn't believe me that I'm okay now. Irony strikes again.
The thing is that I can't explain what was wrong.
Not properly at least - because I don't really understand what's wrong.
The guy tells me he loves me, and I get mad, then upset, then turn to Li and want to cry.
It doesn't make sense.
Being told "I love you", "I miss you", "I wish I were there", should make you feel good, happy, in-love...
but it doesn't. It makes me feel nauseous and annoyed.
I'm starting to think it's because it feels like a lie.
Not just because I don't feel it. Not just because I want to scream "I'm Not In Love With You!!" into their faces and run away forever. But because it feels like, even if I did, they would be like - "Oh.. okay - can we still have sex?" Because it feels as if they don't care at all, they just want what I'll give if they think that we're "in-love".
I suppose my frustration is because I want to make them see that they don't even know what love IS. Because love isn't about kissing, and sex, and 'pleasing' the other person. Love is about just wanting to spend time with a person; about wanting to hold their hand just so you can be close to them. Sex always seems like an ulterior motive to me.
I've probably said this before, but I hate sex. It's not just complication - it's pain, and it's selfish.
My friends talk about a connection. About being so close to someone you just are them at the same time...
I've been with enough people enough times to know about sex; and I've never felt that.
Need - yes. Desire - yes. Pleasure - of course.
But at the end of the day, it's still just me, and it's still just them. No deep, meaningful stuff. No merging of beings. No love.
Sex isn't love to me. The two aren't even overlapped in my mind any more. They're practically mutually exclusive.
I've felt closer, and more connected - more in-love - more part of someone else by just laying with them; snuggling... maybe even kissing.
Odd that while kissing the world melts away, and there's only the two of us left - unending, separated by nothing but our own desire to remain whole on our own...
...yet it gets to penetration and I withdraw.
Maybe I've just never trusted anyone 100%.
I lay on the bed next to Li as he produces sandwiches from his bag, and drinks. I'm not hungry, but I feel bad for dragging him away from everything and then refusing his gift. I take the drink and chastise him light heartedly for buying me things - for leaving his meetings when I said not to. I open my mouth to ask why he came, to tell him he didn't have to - but stop.
I'd have done the same. I realise. I'd drop everything for him if he needed me.
So I just shake my head and smile.
It's been a while since the discovery that he cared for me as much as I cared for him rocked my world. I still forget. I'm not used to it - not at all. Not used to having someone even pretend to return the devoted feelings I have without physical payment.
As I look at him sat on my bed, eating his 'reduced price' sandwich, I realise that the reason I care so much for this boy is because he's never wanted anything from me. He's always just given freely everything he had - and never demanded anything in return.
The concept isn't foreign to me. I've always been the same. What is foreign is someone else being that way - especially a boy.
He looks up at me as if he's been caught doing something wrong, or embarassing. His hands are still cradling the sandwich not far from his mouth.
"What?" he asks, staring into my eyes.
Damn, you must have been staring again.
"What?" I return, making my eyes go round and innocent. I wasn't thinking about you being too damn amazing for your own good! Honest!
"What were you looking at?"
"You...?" stick to the truth. I manage to make it a question - as if the answer so obvious my question is more 'what else would I be looking at?'
He finally drops the subject after a little tête-a-tête.
Things are often like that with us. It's like playing verbal keep-away. You dodge the question until they catch you and you give in, or until they drop the subject. I don't just mean me and Li; it's all of us - all our friends.
Sometimes you can just force the subject to change - well, I can at least, I don't know about the others. You just get a bit stern, and people back away. It's great.
But I don't normally get stern with Li. Mainly because he trumps my sternness with his own brand of 'Man-of-the-house' stern-voice. My 'dad-voice' doesn't quite match up.
Part of me is glowing with a warm pride anyway. A pride in myself for not wallowing until someone came to pull me from the mire. Pride in pulling myself out of the pit of despair and kicking myself up the bum.
I think I might actually be forging some kind of independence.
About bleeding time.
We sit and talk for an hour or so, half dodging phone calls from friends asking where we are and if we're okay. It's hard to say "Just leave us alone" really.
I suppose that's why sometimes I wish we were a couple. That way we'd be able to say "Can we have some alone time" - or, not even that, just go off with each other - and no one would bother us. No one would question it. It would be 'normal' for us to want alone time.
Ah, if only things were that simple.
Part of my mind frowns at the situation.
Why can't it be that simple?
It isn't petulant; it isn't the "It's not fair" voice - it's the voice of reason saying "Well, why can't you go to University if you want to?"
You know, the voice that say's 'your arguments against what you want to do are totally silly and ridiculous - in fact, they don't even exist!'
It's asking "What's stopping you?"
There's a list about a mile long if I'm honest.
Main reasons?
a) 'intimacy' would be expected... and there's a huge complication with that which I wont go into right now.
b) neither of us are really ready for a 'mutually exclusive' thing with anyone.
c) if we felt that way about each other, we'd already be dating.
Not only that, but getting with someone just so that you can have time alone with them seems a pretty silly reason in the first place.
I don't have to say any of it to Li - he already knows.
I think of all those people who've commented in the past:
"oh, why aren't you two together?"
"you make such a cute couple"
"isn't he your boyfriend?"
"Are you two dating yet?"
I mean, a majority of the girls I know (okay, most of the ones Li and I both know) would happily jump into bed with him - or marry him - in a heart beat (not that he realises this). So I get that they might think that being as close as me and Kaydee are to him one of us should be 'in-there'... well, I think I get it...
And I get that we sneak off together more often than most actual couples do...
So I understand where the speculation comes from - I guess...
Doesn't matter how many times I (or he, or we) say "It's our business - stay out" the speculations keep coming. They just kinda move to behind our backs.
Maybe it's because we have a relationship that no-one else seems to have.
I mean, he and Kaydee get the same speculation. They make out a lot, and spend time together a lot... but in the end, that's just not what their relationship is... you know?
The only thing stopping them being a couple is them not wanting to be one. Same as us.
I loose track of the conversation a couple of times while my mind floats around a few more subjects.
I think about Will, and how he says he loves me. How he wants to be in a relationship.
I think of how I can't even begin to handle that.
It's not just him being far away - though that's a big part of it really - it's that I've never trusted him. Not properly. And it's not just with my feelings, or with the truth - not just normal things like cheating, or lying - it's things like trusting him to stay alive.
Maybe this is selfish, but I don't think I can stand to loose someone like that again. Death is just too permanent. I don't do permanent.
Then there's DJ... and I just don't know what to think there. How do you believe someone when they say the same things to you as they did your best friend - only to turn round months later and say the opposite?
I mean, I feel something for him... and even if it isn't as strong as what I feel for my friends, or as deeply rooted in desire as my feelings for Will... it's still something; and it's comfortable. Like with an old acquaintance - the slight lack of true feeling gives enough distance for this easy comfort.
Don't get me wrong, I loved him.
Not as intensely as I maybe portrayed... but... still... it was there.
So why do I not feel it the same way any more?
And why do I never tell him I feel differently to then?
I shake my head with confusion and start a new subject with Li.
Anything to keep my mind from love and my lack of kindness in it.
No wonder only the crazy boys are attracted to me.
Loving me is pain.
I seem to make sure of that.
Though I'm not sure how - or that I like it.
My shining knight is trying to persuade me to eat the other sandwich, and I'm finally distracted by trying to come up with a better excuse than "I'm not hungry"... since apparently that's not a good enough excuse.
After a while we just sit and laugh.
The power of a true friend.
Strange how when all I want is to be alone, I'm still happy being with him.
I guess that's how you can tell a person's closer to you than skin - when being with them is so comfortable it's like being alone, without any pressure to put on the show, or be someone else.
Blessed Be xx
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