There's this moment of unspoken confusion, where all of us realise none of us are talking about the same thing. I can barely stand it, wanting to lash out at the people closest to me.
No, that's not true. Wanting to lash out at one person, but knowing that if I let loose it'll be at a completely different one. Friendships are odd like that. You push your pain onto the people who you love the most because you feel that they'll know you don't mean it. It's wrong - but we all do it.
The paranoia kicks in a second later, and I feel as though everyone is turning against me. I know it's just paranoia; I know it's irrational - so I can't show the feeling. Still, the pain is crushing down on me and I don't know how I'm breathing. It doesn't seem possible to breath with this pain in my chest.
I need to get out of here... I think desperately.
It's not unusual for me to randomly run or skip or jump - so I force a smile as I glance at them, then speed off in front. The corner isn't far - and I feel like I'm flying anyway (amazing how that happens when you don't think, when you just throw yourself forwards with all the force of pent up emotion) - I'm there in seconds.
I slow as I begin to reach it, and hide round the corner. I'll pretend to be hiding to jump out at them I decide. But I need this minute (I hope I have a minute at least) before I have to face them again. I need to pull myself together to face that person again. I almost, almost cry.
The sound of a single pair of feet lightly jogging closer have me fixing my face into a smile - getting ready to shout "Boo!"
It's pathetic when it finally comes out - and I fear my covers blown - but he's too consumed by his own problems tonight to force the issue (if he's noticed). A deep breath later and we're all back together again - all confusion replaced by the innuendos again.
The thing is, I thought this problem would fade away. I thought there was this simple golden solution to our problems, and I sacrificed what I could for it. I pulled myself together and used said solution... but it's not fixed anything really. If anything it's made things worse... only this time I don't have a distraction from it, so it's affecting me most. I'm just left with the emptiness where that sacrificed piece of my life used to be, and the broken friendships, and the knowledge that the more time passes the more I resent them both.
My other soul told me to decide this for myself. To make the decision based on my feelings and not worry too much about everyone else. They said they were worried about how things were, and they thought that maybe my golden solution would work. At the same time they warned me that things might not work out for the best - especially if it wasn't what I really wanted.
Thing is, what I really wanted - what I really want - is for a re-do. Start life over and erase all the mistakes. Steal back my virginity, ignore all the bullying and continue to work hard on my studies, push myself to be the best me there is, ignore boys and the long delicious legs that the girls around me slowly revealed; most of all, I wish I could go back and not pretend all the time. Pretend to be happy, pretend I was someone I'm not... just be me, and be happy that way - and make other people see that I was worth their friendship too.
I want to go back to practically the beginning. I don't care about the petty problems that are right here, right now. They're nothing really. They're passing, fleeting - I know I shouldn't focus on them. But there's still the ingrained problems that I hand picked for myself.
There are things I don't regret. I don't regret picking the friends I did when I was young. I don't regret going to the secondary school I went to. I don't regret loving as much, and as hard, and as often as possible - even if it did get my heart broken a million times - because that's been worth every minute (even the ones counted in tears). I can't regret coming to DMU - just because of the people I've met, and the experiences I've had with them... the opportunities they've created for me, and the hope they've inspired me with.
But then you get the details, and it's as if I would have a totally different life if I could.
There are so many people I've lost over the years. That's life. But time hasn't healed any of those hurts. I don't think it ever will. You just learn not to think about them too much.
Still, I had hoped that over time this problem would fizzle into nothing. I thought time really would fix this. Instead it's just getting worse with every passing day.
I'm trying. Trying so hard to make it all okay. Trying to push away the pain and the anger and the hurt, push away the spiteful words that constantly lick my tongue - but it's getting harder instead of easier.
I ended up on the phone in tears again today to my best friend, because some stuff happened and I couldn't talk to my flatmates about it. I just couldn't bring myself to ask for their help in that department - because I know they'd take one persons view, one persons side, and the "help" would be a barrage of instructions and sermons... That was more what caused the tears if I'm honest - that I needed someone, and I had to phone a friend instead of talk to the people I share a home with...
My other soul tries to help. They try to smooth everything over. To pull little invisible strings to make everything better. To say the right thing. They always manage to ease the pain of it all, but the problem wont go away. They say to me "Just follow your heart, the rest will fall into place..." but I'm starting to wonder if I have a heart that works. Sure, you can feel it beat in my chest; if you put your ear against my breast you would hear it pumping away... but the one that my other soul means is that metaphorical one - the construct of the minds emotional center - and mine has been shattered so many times I'm starting to think some of the pieces may be missing. How can I follow my heart when it keeps walking me into a brick wall?
I hold out hope that time really is the healer of all things.
I keep trying to believe that in the end (whenever you're supposed to class things as 'the end') everything will be okay. That my story will end in a happily ever after.
The belief that all of this only matters in a very minute way, and that the basic mechanics of how I am and who I am are what will really shape my future, is the only thing keeping me going at time. That and my closest friends.
But now, now it's time to try and do some work. To put the day behind us all and start again.
Everyday I start again lately.
Is that what life is about?
Time will tell.
Blessed Be xx
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