And even if you want to... you can't... sorry about that.

1:07am: The sobbing gives way to shaking, and I feel the anger swirl with the pain...


None of this makes sense anymore. My brain has actually given in.


It's now 5am and I can't concentrate for toffee. I have toffee in my bag actually, so if I could concentrate for toffee that'd help a great deal...
So instead of trying harder to focus on this stupid essay I've taken time out to ramble. To get it all out. All my frustration and confusion. All the pitiful day that just keeps going wrong...


12:45am: There's nothing to describe why it hurts so much.

I'm having a shit day, a shit week - okay okay so it's not a great life, but that sounds too dramatic. So, after giving up my time for the third day running (that needed to be spent doing my essays if I'm honest) I travel to Leicester General, where I have to explain that no one else can come because they have assignments due in or are having to wait in for a delivery. It's all true - so why does it sound like excuses when it comes out of my mouth?

She looks at me with that "Well, at least you came" look in her eyes, and I just want to call them and yell at them! I don't fucking care if you're busy, she's our friend, she's scared, she needs us! A deep breath later and I'm in control. Not everyones lives revolve around their friends Lauren - I tell myself strictly.
Dj is texting me, wanting to meet up, offering to give me a lift home. Not having to wait in the cold for the bus sounds good. But now to try and hide that I'm pissed off (mostly at myself for having such bad time management and luck) and make sure she doesn't think I'm resenting coming. I'm not. I'd do anything for this girl. She's like a little sister to me. I love her to bits.

She promises me that she isn't scared - isn't worried - just wants to get it over with so she can eat without the pain. She's so brave. I just want to hug her and make all of the pain disappear. Still, there's this concern ringing her eyes. They're a little too wide, even through the slight sleepiness of the morphine.

Morphine... bad memories... I stop myself from going down that route.

This is her first major stint in hospital, and yes - she's a bad patient (because she has no patience), but a moron could see that's because she's upset and uncomfortable. And now they're sending her for surgery. Taken away the 6-8 weeks adjustment time, and thrown her straight in the deep end.
Of course I'm here. Of course I'll be there tomorrow. Hell, if my coursework isn't done it can be capped at bloody 40% - she's more important than a stupid bit of coursework. I'll be there. Assuming I don't crash and burn half way through the night. Note to self - stock up on energy drinks.

The nurse comes and tells her she's changing wards. Panic! 'Will my doctor be the same? Will I still get the surgery tomorrow? They wont force me to eat will they?' the questions come so fast that I'm surprised the nurse isn't making calming motions with her hands. Maybe she hears this stuff all the time, or maybe it's just that anyone who doesn't know Jodie doesn't realise that this isn't normal behaviour for her. She's normally laid back and doesn't worry too much. Likes to have the facts, but can wait till later to get them.
She's knelt up on the bed, I swear in a second she's going to start shaking. I calmly re-iterate that it'll be okay, repeat what the nurse says about nothing changing. It's just a non-emergency ward. It's a good thing. It means you haven't got MRSA. It's okay.

DJ is outside waiting. He'll have to wait. I'm not leaving her before she's on the new ward.
We get there and she shoo's me off though. Looked scared as hell before we left the emergency ward that I might leave her before she was moved, but hugs me as soon as the porter is out of the way and tells me to go to DJ. So brave. Always able to push her own problems aside and not worry.
Her reaction to me telling her that the others couldn't come was "Oh no! Of course not! Uni work is way more important! Wish them luck from me!" Total sincerity too. Doesn't imagine that she should come before that priority.

So off I go, heading to DJ, then ASDA, then to Li's to work on the essay and supply him with energy drink to try and get him through the last hurdle of his assignment. All the time though there's this crushing feeling. I'm about out of time on the essay. Got until 12pm tomorrow. It's never gonna happen. Been in this situation so many times. How am I supposed to get a first? Will everyone think less of me if I don't do well? And damn, I just spent too much money on snacks because I'm stressed. I don't have money - not if I want to pay my rent, let alone my bills, let alone buy Christmas presents. It's all a bit much really.

Then the cherry on top. The bottle of energy drink leaks on Li's bed... all over my phone, killing it outright. Not only have I killed my phone, I've soaked my best mates bedsheets. I'm practically in tears. We can't fix the phone.
"Wash it out with water and then use the hairdryer on it when you get home." Li suggests. I'm pretty sure we both know it's futile. I've killed this phone too many times. It can't be resurrected again I don't think.

So great. Now I have no idea what's going on with Jodie in the hospital. Not only that but I can't call home, or my friends, or text anyone... now I'm scared to walk home. Without that little life line things become scary some how. I'm not sure why - they just do.
So Li, bless him, walks me home in the lightly falling snow.

Finally home, it's half 11 :- 12 hours to go until I have to print my essay and dissertation chapter off... that's 4,000 words.... I've written... oh god, I've not written anything yet!
It's okay - stay calm. You know what you're talking about, you have a vague idea of a plan in your head, just stay calm and you'll do this. You have practice at this kinda thing. Just CHILL.
That's fine, till the flat mate starts again.

Oh joy.

At first I'm mad. I want to go downstairs and hit her - hard. I try to laugh it off with Li... but then the pain comes. It's like a wave dragging me down under the current of emotions and I'm crying. Now I'm sobbing. Now I can't breath. I need help. I need a life line.
I need to phone...  oh ffs!! I can't phone anyone!! Thank you universe for once again fucking me in the ass.
So I type. Li keeps talking to me till I can stop crying enough to shuffle shakily to the bathroom and mop myself up. It feels like the break downs again. I want to curl up into a ball and die so the pain and the tears and the shaking will stop.
I try not to tell Li how bad it is - but at the same time be honest about it. He gets frustrated and tells me to basically snap out of it. Doesn't help, but I know he's right and I'm already trying to.
Slowly the tears stop. The shaking takes over everywhere and I swear I'm going to vomit. But I block her. Some how, the action calms me slightly. She can't hurt me anymore over that medium. It's okay.
I've just accused her (in my insanely mentally-breakdowny state) of being mentally abusive. Maybe that's too harsh... but I'm not taking it back, because that's how it feels. Having to deal with the put downs, the snide comments, the out and out venom, then the mood swings... on top of which she wont support me in anything but expects me to be there for her... and maybe this is one sided - but it's my side, and I'll be damned if I give it up.
Everything I try is wrong. Everything I say is wrong. And every time I want to tell her where to go I have to bite my tongue in case she does something stupid.
It's like being with Luke... only worse. So much worse.

So I finally calm down, start taking screen shots then finally writing the stupid essay that's going to keep me up all night. Everyone logs off and I'm doing okay.
Then a post catches my eye as I switch to facebook instead of paint by accident.
It's to Libor... from her sister... having a go at him.
I start to shake again. Maybe it's cold in here?
How can she blame him?? That's the thing I can't get my head around. Yell at me, sure. Diss me, yeah - of course... but Li?? That makes so little sense I end up replying to her (when I should probably keep my nose out...)
If you read it one way it basically says "Keep out of this and leave my best friend alone", but I was trying to be honest and diplomatic. I just don't want him being dragged further into this. It's not his fault his friends are at each others throats - and it's certainly not his fault if he refused to say something his bestmate specifically asked him NOT to.

So I leave it after the reply and try to go back to work, but I can't get rid of the shakes. I end up on blogger. Guess who's posted a new blog??
I automatically go and block her. Then read her blog. It's paradoxical I know... but I can't help it. I suddenly need to know what she's thinking. I need to understand the sudden rush of hatred.
And there it is. I'm a liar, and it's Dj's fault...
wow, should have seen that coming.
By refusing to comment on him being in Leicester, and telling her I hadn't seen him (which I hadn't) I'm a liar. Right. Thanks for clearing that one up.
So she's fallen out with me over the fact that someone she doesn't have to have contact with, who I never really bring up, who isn't allowed in the house, is still in contact with me and I still like him? Now, please... someone... anyone... explain this to me??
Am I being blind? Am I being totally stupid??

I've avoided the subject like the plague since any mention of him sets off the arguments, or at least the tensions. I don't text him when I'm around her. I don't know what else there is I could possibly do.
Lets face it. Our views are polar opposites. I think he's ok, she hates him.
How is anything going to change that??
How does she expect me to pick her over him when all she does is fuck with my head and he is always there for me and willing to do practically anything for/with me?

The ramble is nearly over, and the shaking has stopped again (finally)
I'm just wishing I could climb into bed and sleep for a very long time right now. But there's only 7 hours left before I have to have this done. So, no sleep for me. No rest for the wicked.


If I could have one wish right now, I'd pick from the following:

1) Be able to stop time for at least 32 hours, in which time only I (and maybe my bestfriend) would be able to do stuff. Everything else would freeze; thus giving me time to sleep and finish my essay.

2) Be home, away from all of this bullcrap.

3) Be able to just make a phone call and hear a friendly voice telling me that I'm being a big baby, to chill out, stop making a big fuss of everything and to forget about it all. Someone to just make me laugh off my silly problems and get on with things.

4) Be able to face going downstairs without the nerves of bumping into 'the flatmate' (*queue dramatic music, and!* dum dum duuuuuhhhhhhmmm!!)

5) Not have to be stuck in some kind of loggerhead that makes no sense to me

6) Not be cold.


I think, out of all of those, the most likely is the not being cold thing. But that requires going downstairs to turn the heating on... oh well, screw it, worth the risk to have at least one wish granted right?

We have this saying - that if things get really bad we'll just up and join the circus. I've been far closer to packing the poi up and setting off in the past... but I have to admit it's looking tempting again right now.
I just want things to blow over. I don't care anymore about this stupid conflict, its just a load of twaddle anyway. I just wish it didn't keep flaring up like this.
I mean, I've officially lost a friend now. Why? I'm not really sure. Try asking her?

I just wish things had been handled better to start with. This has escalated in such a stupid way.
It's gonna take ages to work out how to not be effected by this though. I mean, seriously? Not being able to breath because she was horrible to me? And not even that horrible either! Talk about a feather breaking your back!

Oh well... I want out... but I can't...

Welcome to Morganville...


Blessed Be xx