In the beginning was the word

I often wonder why we end up thinking about the beginning so much. It's as if our minds want to rewind to a time when we understood (or thought we understood) what was going on. We like to look at the beginning and not think about the things we did wrong, the ways we messed things up.

My mind reels back to show me things...

Luke crosses the road, and I half want to run after him - but I hold back. He doesn't like me that much - I don't want to seem clingy. I'm practically walking backwards I'm looking back that often. So is he.
Suddenly he turns and streaks back across the road, all the way down the path and sweeps me up in his arms again. I've never been so inlove!

even earlier...

TJ's bedroom is dark, and I'm still laid on top of Luke. He's so cute, and sweet... I think he might like me too. We've been kissing, and cuddling for ages...
"Stay with me tonight... please?" his tone is pleading - begging. I know I shouldn't. I know I'm not allowed. But my heart does a funny leap and I agree to.
TJ comes back in
"Lauren, mum says it's time for you to go. I'll walk you home."

much later.....

"OMG! It glows!!"
"Yeah! Check this out!" I hit the light switch and all that we can see is the blue and red lights emitted from the Frisbee and what little it illuminates.
"Oh wow!! We so have to play!"

A little later....

"Nope, you dropped it again - you've GOT to do it!"
I'm laughing, watching him glow slightly red. Who would have thought Uni would be this fun?
His pants hit the floor and he runs in a shuffle all the way to the end of the hall, dropping things and having to go back for them constantly.
I'm practically howling on the floor when he finally gets back to my door - grinning in an embarrassed way as he pulls his jeans back up.

 later still....

I half fall off my bed laughing at Dj. Damn, have we left teamspeak on voice activated? I can't remember - but if so we must sound insane!
"Thaaaank yooooo suuuuurrrr!"
The pillow fight had been so much fun, but this is practically killing both of us! We can't breath!
"I need to pee!!" I gasp
As I dive into the en-suite I hear the crackle of a voice issue from my laptop
"Hey, sorry! I'm back!"
And I'm leaning forward, opening the toilet door a crack
"Answer him in humpback!!"
He's in too much of hysterics to breath, let alone speak in whale.

Yes, beginnings can be so much fun.
It's funny - we were talking today about people from the past, and how time makes you think either only about the good, or only about the bad.
"It's silly," he said "I've been thinking about all the good stuff - back in the beginning - and I really miss her."
I couldn't say anything to that. Nothing needed to be said really. I understand. There are some people who, no matter how much hell you put each other through, you still miss them when they're gone.
And then there are other people who you love dearly, and never have a real issue with... yet when they're gone you don't even think about them that much. You miss them on occasions, but in a gentle and sentimental way.

It's strange how I keep trying to look back to the beginning of Uni, but it's just one blur of pain still. Nothing really fits in with anything else. Just a big tangled mess. I kinda think of this year as my proper start at university. It's the first year I've gone out and DONE things. I suppose that's why I want to stay a few more years. Enjoy it some more.

I wouldn't say I've wasted my time here. Just that I've not been entirely... well... with it the past couple years. Can't be helped now. I think I've covered this theme before actually... so moving on!

I'm currently loving my new blog (L S Bland Fiction) because it's giving me a focus for my writing. I've not been in the mood to write fiction in a long time, so it's nice to get back into it.
And my external hardrive has just fallen on the floor. I think that may have fucked it. Damn.
I suppose I'll spend most of tomorrow trying to coax it back to life. If it weren't acting up already I'd be a lot more upset... but hey, not like it's got my dissertation on there... not like I've written enough of my dissertation for it to matter anyway! ha!

So it's half 3 in the morning, and I've been watching Naruto (the early episodes because I only started watching it a few months ago and only do so in spits and starts) and it suddenly struck me how much I think that I'm like Sakura. She basically cries a lot, excels in very few areas and just about keeps up with the task at hand. Maybe I'm not like that... Li always said I wasn't... but oh well. Maybe I don't see as much in myself as he does... but then, I see more in him than he can - so I suppose it'd be a two way thing.... it's just I can't imagine someone I look up to so much being able to see me as anything more than just the silly girl that I am.
That sounds like I'm putting myself down, but I'm really not. I don't put effort in, so I don't get results out. I understand the process, and have to admit there's not much of a result that can be found in my appearance or personality (unless you count being a bit different to normal people as 'a result'... which, no, I don't).
So when people like DJ tell me I'm amazing, it's hard to do anything other than want to slap them for trying to compliment me where it's not necessary or true. I've always thought people will do anything to get what they want from someone else, and unnecessary compliments are the way most people would achieve that. That's why I hate compliments. I mean, I give them - sure - but only where they're true (unless I'm being sarcastic, but that's different). In fact, I've found lately that I'm far too blunt and honest.

Oh dear, I can see my own breath... if we had more money I'd put the heating on...

I mean, it frustrates me when people brush off what I say. Because, while they might say that sort of thing not meaning it, I really do. The things I say are pretty much point blank opinions. Yes, I sugar coat some things so they're easier to swallow - but not often. Sure, it can get me into trouble, and I've put my foot in my mouth many a time... but the great thing about telling the truth is that you never do it for a stupid reason and want to take it back because you didn't mean it. If your foot gets wedged in your mouth when you've told the truth, it's easy to swallow. You just go a bit red, swallow your pride, and say "Well, that's my opinion... sorry. Deal with it."
You know what I've found? People actually respect you for it. They know that if I say something harsh it's because it's what I think - not because I want to hurt them; and they also know that if I say something nice, I mean every word.

I'm not sure if I was always like this. I know how to lie through my teeth, and I'm pretty good at it (until my conscience kicks in and I get pissed at myself and end up telling the entire truth anyway). I can keep a secret like a vault (unless it's my own, then at least Libor ends up knowing about it... bestfriends don't keep secrets) and can lie for a friend if I really really really have to. But it really is like I reached 20 and suddenly this 'truth' switch was flipped. If I don't want to tell people something, I just don't say it - rather than lie.
Half truths are the closest I get to lies. When you tell the truth, but don't tell the whole story?

Like the other day. My flatmates saw the guy that has been banned from our house walking down our street. They asked if he'd come to see me. He hadn't - so I said no. They asked if I'd seen him - which I hadn't - so I said no. What I didn't say was that he'd written me a letter and shoved it through the letterbox; or that I'd run to open the door and talk to him but he'd gone by the time I got there. I didn't tell them that I'd cried so hard I'd had to call my best friend to calm me down. Because one of my flatmates hates him with a passion - and seems to delight in tearing him down in my presence. I've been through so many ups and downs with him that I've bitched like hell about him (sometimes to her)... and that's made it all justified in her mind. It's also made all my flatmates take up her point of view. (I say all... I live with 3 girls... not much of an 'all' there... lol)
So I told these half truths, and they caused a mini hell - because even though I don't lie, my flatmate thinks I never tell the truth, especially to her. Oh yes, according to her I'm the liar to beat all liars. Nothing  I say ever is the truth. Well... I can't say that's actually her opinion because I can't see into her mind or anything... but that's how she makes it come across. She makes it come across that I'm not to be trusted, and that nothing I say (especially regarding the boy) is to be believed.

Let me give you an example of this. I once used the word 'kinda' when referring to seeing this guy. I said that I was 'kinda' seeing him. What does that mean to you?
To me, it meant that I was very close to seeing him, and he was starting to view it in that way... that I was on the brink of dating the guy, without having taken the step. If I'm honest, without wanting to take the step. I wanted a friends honest opinion of how to handle the situation...
To her, it meant I was dating him and didn't want to admit it.
So now that I know we speak different languages, it's kinda hard to work out what she means when she says things. (And I just realised the irony of describing that with the word 'kinda')

It's hard being in a house with someone who speaks a different language. It reminds me of this horrible joke that DJ came out with today... it was so spur of the moment and witty that I burst out laughing.
I was in a bad mood and he was on about these two games he couldn't decide between playing. One was 'shooting the hell out of yanks' the other was 'shooting the hell out of super mutants'... or something like that. I - rather uninterested - asked what the difference was?
"One of them speaks English" he replied "The other's american."
"I could have said" he continued "One of them's an ugly, stupid brute; and one of them's a super mutant"
the first one was funnier.

I should probably go into detail as to the DJ issue... but it's long, complicated - and boring - and this post is long enough already without adding that in!
Summary? He was my flatmates ex, we hooked up and I told her I liked him - at which point she exploded because they had basically been threatening to kill each other... things got bad between all three of us because she was trying to get with his bestfriend and he told his mate to back the hell off... which made things awkward... and then my best mate and my other flatmates told me they didn't like him... and he started acting like a dickhead (okay, he started acting like my ex-fiance...same diff yeah?) so I told him to shove off...
but then I kept telling him to come back...
so basically I've been an undecided annoying headfuck - who deserves to be p0wned like a n00b...
I've been trying to make the peace in my flat - but his ex likes to bring it up constantly and have a dig. See, she thinks I literally can't get him to leave me alone and that he's practically stalking me (which she told me he would do...and that he'd probably end up trying to kill me...) where as the only thing I let her see is when I'm frustrated at him. I don't bring him up otherwise. She doesn't see me flirt with him, or ask him round, or go to him for comfort. She sees me in the middle of a bad day get one text too many, look at my phone and just go "Fuck off DJ!" and throw it on the sofa.
So I can see where she's getting the wrong end of the stick and everything... it's just - how do you say to someone "Look, I know you hate this person, and you think I do too, but I kinda still love him a fair bit - so stop slagging him off constantly before I punch you in the face"??
Okay, so I'd say it like that... but the last time we argued thinks got bad and she kinda nearly died (NO!! I did not beat her up or hurt her or nearly kill her! Before you jump to conclusions!) So instead I walk on egg shells and put up with the constant irritation of the DJ subject.

I figure, after the shit I've put up with these past few years, someone hurling abuse would be easy enough to deal with - someone making random snidey harsh comments is a breeze.

I guess I'm kinda sad that I don't think I'll ever really be truly friends with her again. I feel like she's shown a side of herself that I just can't overlook... which I feel bad about. I mean, I used to call her my best friend; now I call her my flatmate... it's kinda bad. But like I said to Lenny, we never treated each other as best friends. The word was used, but the actual being there for each other through everything wasn't. I mean, yes, we were there for each other... but not like, say, me and Li have been. Not like me and Sasha were. We only went through one real life changing thing together - and that ended in bloodshed!
They say certain things will either make or break a relationship. I guess this has broken ours.

I'm not saying I hate the girl!
I still love her in a weird way. I'd still do practically anything for her... but the list of people I'd do virtually anything for is pretty extensive. The list of people I would do absolutely anything for is a fair bit shorter. Most of them are younger relatives...
Sometimes I think that if we could have a fair argument - actually say what we mean to each other; not her backing down or simply repeating something I'm discounting, and not me trying my best to hold back on my tongue - then we might be okay again. Clear the air, so to speak. But we can't.
Why is it girls hold onto these problems??

Last year Li was constantly going on about how Lisa never let things drop. I realised this year two main things.
1) boys think they've addressed and fixed a problem, but normally have swept it under the rug instead - choosing to forgive and forget rather than get hung up on a problem.
2) girls have to argue (or 'discuss') the same thing continuously until everything that can be said has been said at least three times, and everyone is now saying the exact same thing.
Oh, and thirdly - I argue like a boy. Thanks for that Dad.
I never really argued with Mum as a child. She was pretty out of it for a fair while on medication for her back (which she kicked cold-turkey... scary shit! I'm so proud of her strength though) so we never argued. She was either just happy to be spending time with me or being knocked unconscious by the morphine. So daddy was my arguing buddy.
We're both Capricorns, so we butt heads like little rams at times! He always said (and still says to this day) "It's sorted now. It's done. We can forget about it and move on."
Granted, he'll argue black is blue till the cows come home if you let him... and he'll probably prove to you on some intricate level that he has a point (even if it is totally unrelated to the actual question) and only once you agree with him will he let it drop completely... (yeah, that's where I get it from) but the basic principle of 'sort it - leave it' has always been there.

Well, if I continue this post any further it's going to turn into a book. Lets leave it at a soliloquy shall we?

I hope that you're well, and that you continue in your good health for as long as possible

all my love


Blessed be xx