Do you ever re-evaluate things?
Lately I've been re-evaluating myself. Who am I, what am I...?
There are these little things that you think about yourself, and it's not until you really think about it that you even realise that you had those assumptions. Like, I always assumed I was witty... and now I'm trying to decide if I am or not. How do you decide something like that?
It makes you wonder what you want to be as well. Like - do I want to be witty? And if so, should I then try to be?
I always wanted to be a nice person. Always wanted to be good.
Okay, I don't achieve it, and I'm not a great person... but that's something I know that I want to try to do. That's something I actively want to try and do.
I forget a lot of the time. I'll catch myself doing things, and think - Damnit Lauren, you're supposed to be trying to be a good person! But then I have friends that say I am a good person, and I'm sat here (here being the library where I'm supposedly doing work) trying to decide whether they're too kind or I'm too harsh on myself.
I'm gonna stick with the they're too nice, because that way I'm on the safe side. Always better to try harder to be a better person than let people convince you that you are when you aren't.
Now that my PMT has broken a little it's really easy to feel optimistic and happy(ish) again. It's easy to be idealistic again, and hope that things can actually be as good as we want them to be.
Well, I say easy... it's still hard to keep my mind on a positive track, but it's like this:
My everyday mindset is like swimming upstream. You have this torrential current to fight against, and occasionally it's not as strong as you're used to...
But when I get PMT it's like there's something hooked around my ankles, dragging me not just backwards but under water. My depression becomes totally unmanageable.
I just wish I were regular enough to be able to pre-empt it. Be able to go "Okay, I'm coming on in a few weeks, so I'm going to start feeling like death soon. Preparation time!" But life isn't that simple, is it?
I love just sitting in the library though. I love being a student, I really do. It's as if that's what I've always just been destined to be. I want to study forever - learn everything there is to know. If I could describe my brain, I'd call it a sponge wanna-be, because it just wants to soak everything up and store it. If my brain could only be the internet... that would be AWESOME!!
I can imagine that one day we will be able to interface with the internet in a more permanent way, so that its electronic storage is accessible to us as if it were memory. Intelligence would then be determined not by what people know, but what people believe and how quickly they could access, understand, and mutate the code knowledge. By how much we add to the pool of knowledge.
It would be like being psychic, only you would be able to access history too. Everyone's thoughts just being like a blog that you could go read. Some people putting locks and blocks on theirs for privacy... and there'd be a way to decide what was recorded and what wasn't...
Imagine being able to connect with people through that medium? Thought to thought via the Internet. Being able to fully express yourself. MSN becoming some kind of Vulcan Mind Meld form of communication. Who would ever want to talk again, when you could just open yourselves to each other in that way? Able to see each other through our thoughts and feelings, not just the words we use to try and describe them. Would Language be necessary anymore? When you have pictures, feelings... would understanding still require words?
If we could communicate at the speed of thought, things would be infinitely more possible. We'd be able to do so much more. We'd be able to get on with projects instantly, be able to request funding from afar, in a way that expressed eagerness without needing to hide it. Not needing to hide kinks and faults, because the speed of delivery would mean people wouldn't get the wrong idea from what you were saying. They'd be able to see the entire picture and see exactly what you wanted to do and the way to overcome problems...
See, utopia could be built in a day if we were able to communicate in that way.
Communication is what holds us back as a society. Language is useless against such a barrier, because no matter what, there's always room for misinterpretation. There's always a way to miss-read it, or express it incorrectly. A way to say it wrong. A way to cause problems where there are none.
I suppose that's why I like studying Literature so much. Because there are so many way to read the same thing, and so many things can be expressed by saying so little - if you say it right. And then you can say so so much, without actually saying anything of any importance. You could ramble on for paragraphs and not have made a single point. It's just words that aren't really saying anything in particular.
Speaking of which, I'm going to stop rambling on now ^_^
Blessed Be xx
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