Bite the bullet. It's time. You have to do this.
I take a deep breath and hold it. The words have to come out with this next breath, and I can't find them yet. It's as if they get lost in the tumble of thoughts. I look at him, and that familiar unfathomable swirl of emotions starts in my belly. Hate, revulsion, desire, love, sympathy... they get mixed in with the thoughts. Memories of hurting each other, of loving each other, of shared looks, of laughing, of kissing... they flood me for a second and I nearly loose my nerve.
Concentrate!
"You should stay away from me." That's the best I can muster? I feel like a Cullen replication.
"All I do is hurt you..." I try, a torrent of disagreements comes my way "Well, use you then..." I try again.
I have to fight the tears as he says "Fine, I'll go then!" Have to hold my hands firmly at my side to stop myself from reaching out to stop him. Have to bite my tongue to stop from calling him back. The door slams behind him and I finally let myself break down. The tears splattering against the floor, sobs racking through my body.
We weren't even going out - why do I have to end up breaking up with someone I'm not dating?? That doesn't make sense...
But how can I tell my friends? I've spent all this time convincing them we aren't an item, never going to be an item... and then I need consoling after telling him we need to stay apart? How can I tell them, after all this time, that I love the bastard?
How can I tell them that, no matter how much we all dislike him, no matter how much I complain about him, no matter how much of a prick he acts... I love him?
That's been the problem all along. The reason things have never gone right. Not because he can't keep out of my bed as they say, but because I can't help moving to him in that way. I can't help holding him, kissing him, leaning against him. I can't keep just friends cause I feel too much for him.
Yes. I see that things aren't right. I see that we shouldn't be together - even if we do work well together, I'm a wreck with him. Same as before. Same as with Luke. He's negative, we fight all the time (though he always lets me win)... but...
Lets face it, the real reason I can't be with him is he isn't the one. The one is standing there looking at me and saying "I don't really like him... you can do better."
God damn, if it weren't for those perfect eyes looking concern on me I wouldn't care what the world said. I'd enjoy being with him, and tell the rest of the world to go screw themselves.
But there you have it. No matter how much I love the boy who's just walked out in pain, I don't love him as much as him. That so has to change at some point... but I guess not yet.
Give it time...
Till then, I'll just try my best. S'all I can do - right?
And the best I can do right now is end things. Cut the ties and try again.
Blowing my nose, I push away the last of my tears and pick myself up. The sniffling takes longer to cease, but it's time to get on with life.
Like Russell said to me last night "You have to live for now. Not then, not there, not the future - you have to live now. Forget about the sadness of then, and be happy. Don't let people bring you down - they're just on the edges."
Time to live.
Blessed Be xx
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