There must be some kind of logic to this. Maybe being lost served a purpose of some kind, and finding myself again requires a punishment of some kind. That's what this is about.
Or maybe it's just that I've woken up enough to realise that my friends aren't who or what I thought they were anymore. Things have changed too much.
That's what happens when you sleep through two whole years of your life. You wake up and look around going... wait - what happened??
I mean, it's not like I can't remember what happened... just that it doesn't seem real, and I can barely believe any of it. I keep expecting things... and they just aren't there or like that.
I think I put myself to sleep around November 2008, when my brother in-law died. Since then I've:
- been engaged
- cheated on my fiance
- barely passed my first year
- broken up
- fallen for my best friend
- had a mental break down
- been dragged out of a shower
- broken up again
- stopped attending lectures
- had another mental break down
- started using my laptop again
- stopped being able to use my laptop again
- forgot to eat
- forgot to sleep
- somehow managed to pass second year
- slept with my bestfriends ex's
- had another mental break down
- joined the gym
- written songs that all sound the same
- moved in with my best friend
- wanted to kill my best friend
- joined DemonTV
- stopped going to lectures again
I've been pretty darn messed up for the past couple years. Not that I was amazingly stable before that or anything, but I swear there's been far too much wrong with me the past couple years for me to even see beyone my own hands. It's like there was a pair of glasses on my face that got so fogged up I couldn't see through them. I could just about make out what was going on, but I didn't even care.
My neices and nephews are growing up... without me... and that's kinda sad.
My parents are turning my room into a spare room...
My brother and sister probably don't know me anymore...
My sister is re-married now...
My friends... how the hell they've managed to put up with me over this period of time I'll never know. But I have to say thank you to them.
Thank you Kaydie, for always being there even when we're biting each others head off, or trying to stop the other from killing themselves - you're still always there for me, and I'm so gratefull for that.
Thank you Libor, for being my rock. For being the person who picked up the peices and held me together while I tried to remember how to do it myself. For kicking me up the ass and making me stand on my own two feet when I was being too stuborn to try. For never being too busy for me when I really needed you. For putting up with all my crap and just generally being the best friend a girl could ever ask for.
See, the thing is, I've come back now... and my closest friends have never really known me like this. They've only known me since I've been asleep... and it's hard to be me and who they expect me to be at the same time.
I suppose it's the choice that comes now, do I try to be who they want me to be, or do I be who I used to be? I don't even know if I can be who I was, maybe too much has changed... but it's worth the try. I've been someone else too long, just sleepwalking through life - dreaming my life away. No more. Time to take stock of what I've left myself with and build a life again.
Wish me luck! ^_^
Blessed Be xx
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