He smiles at me; cupping his hand under my chin and, bringing my face gently towards his, whispers "I love you. Always have, always will."
The words melt, dripping like honey in my ears. My heart thuds in a ridiculous, slow, loud thump, so hard that I think he must have felt it. His other hand snakes round my back, setting the skin there on fire with his touch as I'm pulled inexorably towards him.
The words echo dreamily around my head. "I love you. I love you. I love you." His voice feels like it's everywhere, wrapping me in a blanket so soft I can almost feel its weight.
I try to say it back - but he already knows, and his mouth stops mine with gentle persuasion.
The blanket wraps around us, closer and closer, until it's like there no beginning or end to us. We're laid down in the blanket now, and his strong hands are holding me to him like he never wants to let me go. His hand strokes my hair and I close my eyes, finally feeling at peace with the world. Slowly the feel of his arms fades, and the hand in my hair disappears, and it's time to wake up again, alone - again.
The dream haunts me for weeks. Each time it's slightly different; but every night he holds me in his arms, and tells me he loves me, and every morning it isn't real. It takes a few minutes each time to remember reality, to re-shuffle everything - get it all in its rightful place. The rest of the day spent trying not to think about it. The rest of the night trying not to hope for it to still be real when I close my eyes and drift off to the place where he waits for me.
It's a distraction from everything. I catch myself on the sofa in the kitchen with my eyes closed, trying to remember the feel of his chest against my cheek, the smell of his skin, the taste of his lips. I find myself wearing my biggest hoody so I can snuggle up inside it and pretend his arms are round me. I'm so obsessed with my dream, I forget that I'm not in this loving relationship. Boys continue to flirt with me, and I'm offended. Don't they know I'm in love? Oh wait...
It's just like me to become infatuated with my own creation. If I had been Frankenstein things would have been very strange indeed.
But now I don't know what to do.
Do I confront the feelings? Or let them carry on? Try and forget them?
It's impossible for anything to manifest from it, so it's surely only sensible to force it to stop. But how? You can't just turn your feelings on and off. That's not how they work.
It's a lesson you learn when you're young; one that stays with you through out your life - and I'm having to learn it all over again.
Dreams don't come true.
Hopes and dreams can be fulfilled - but dreams, subconscious plays you act out in your sleep, they can't. They aren't real.
I would attempt an analysis of what the dreams mean, but I already know - already knew before I thought about it - what they're about and why. Anyone who really knew me would understand in a heartbeat. It doesn't matter though - and it never will.
I don't even know why I've posted this... feeling rather weird tonight though, so maybe that's it. Anyway, stay safe
Blessed Be
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