... they'd probably break them and have a great time doing it!
It's like if you gave 1000 Laurens 1000 rooms... they'd still end up a mess, cause that's just what I'm like. Though, being ill has made mine into a complete disaster area lately. My bin is overflowing with snotty tissues because it hurts my head to bend down and pick it up to empty it; my clothes are all over the floor because I haven't the energy to sort them out. My books are in heaps around my bed - because lets face it, once I'm done with them I can't actually get out of bed and put them back; who do you think I am??
It's really pathetic if I'm honest, but hopefully if I kick myself up the bum about it enough times, I'll actually get stuck in and sort at least some of it out. Okay, correction - if I can keep kicking myself about it and stay off Plants VS Zombies, I will get it sorted out.
The really annoying thing is, I haven't really been 'well' this term. I caught a cold just as I got to Leicester, and I've been 'nearly over it' several times, and then I get a new incarnation of it! I must be keeping medical shops in business!
Though, I have to admit, the reason this one isn't getting better is because I've given up trying to get better. I pop some 'max strength cold and flu relief' and go out and party. No, I don't know why - but shush.
I suppose it doesn't help that I've been going through a rough patch lately. I have a long standing relationship with depression, so I'm used to the highs and lows that come with being me. Lately it's been rather low though - and the constant arguing with friends, the constant reminders of the ex, the illness and the deadlines have all been really really rubbish.
I kept randomly breaking down - especially to certain songs. Have you heard the one by Eminem and Rhianna - 'Love the Way You Lie'? Well, I thought it was kinda sweet and sad... then I watched the video...
.... and there was so much in it that I couldn't stop thinking about all the times he'd hit something and I'd be so sure he wanted it to be me. Remember his fist go through the wall, remember him practically kicking the door down when I locked him out, remember him accidentally hurting me, remember him saying sorry, promising it'd never happen again, and again, and again...
Now every time I hear that song I nearly break down. His fist is going through that wall closer and closer to my head in the playbacks. I know I'm making it worse by remembering it - because you always remember wrong... but I can't help it.
All those times he'd say "You know I'd never hurt you..." and then do it. The fact he had to change that saying to "You know I'd never hurt you on purpose..."....
... Then Dj goes and says it. Constantly.... Flashback...
All those times we'd play fight, and he'd take it too far, and I'd be nearly crying, trying to shrug him off, push him off, get him to stop...
... Then Li goes and does it. I started play fighting and then tried to stop... and he wouldn't. Didn't get the memo or something... Flashback...
It's like he's broken me, and everything is just a reminder. Makes it hard to have hope. Makes it hard to believe there's a way to have a relationship that isn't like that. Just sex and abuse and familiarity.
My friends don't really get it. They've never been with someone like Luke. Not for that long. They don't get that you blind yourself to the problems, telling yourself it's all normal. Tell yourself that 'true love' is just a story. "This is true love because it's real" you say. Then you meet this guy who looks after you, cares for you, and doesn't ask for anything in return... and you start to question your standards. Is it possible to have someone care for you and you not have to have sex with them in return? Like, Wait... you mean boys can like you and not want to get in your pants??
It's funny, because if you asked me, I couldn't possibly tell you how I developed that attitude. Trying to reverse it isn't all that easy either. But I am trying.
I've made a promise to myself that it's all gonna get better - even if it takes 1000 Laurens trying 1000 times a day... it will get better. It has to. I said so.
Well, that's my embarrassing little tirade over with.
You probably know a little too much about me now... but oh well!
Blessed Be
xx
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