Time

I never seem to have the time to do anything any more.


Not even blog!!


So, I'm going to do this one quickly.


If you've read my last post, you'll know that I was more than a little peeved about a situation with a boy. I know, such a high school drama my life!! However, I figured I'd update you a little on it.


His name is Will, he moves around constantly because his company sends him all over the place to do work. He's basically an adviser/problem solver/sales assistant. Yeah, he gets sent places to sell people shit, or fix something that's gone wrong.
Which is fine, except he's never HERE. So we get our wires crossed far too easily.
Even talking on the phone it's not exactly easy to understand each other - you don't have their facial expression or body language to read from, so it just becomes that little bit "are you joking, are you serious, do you care?" kind of thing. So when he says "I wont be your boyfriend" or something similar, it's hard to tell how to take it. Is this something that he's doing out of duty to his job, out of not loving me, out of trying to push me away, out of jest?? It's all too complicated, and made more so in that his voice barely changes when he's serious and when he's joking.
So... the update that I was on about.
We're maybe, sort of, dating?


Yeah, it's that concrete.


We'll see what happens I suppose. It's all to play for.


Life is so uncertain, and so full of random events and twists and turns. I try not to think too much about the future, because it's the least solid part of life. Right now is always changing, and what has gone changes slightly with perspective... but the future changes swiftly and drastically. It's never going to be solid - that's the only truth about it.




So here I am, worrying that the future is going to take one of its drastic changes for the worst, waiting on a phone call or text from my best friend to find out how well he survived his interview, trying not to think about the cramp in my legs or the drip from the kitchen ceiling, and attempting to get all of my meeting notes typed up before I go off editing footage for the relaunch of DemonTV.co.uk.


I'm probably going to run away now and carry on with real life things. 
Just a handy hint for those people with a timetable though:
Don't book more than you can physically get round to.


I keep joking that I'm going to give up sleep in order to get all of my work done... in reality, I'm more likely to give up my work in order to sleep.


Oh well!


I shall attempt to write something more interesting next time.
Until then, leave here with my love and trust.




Blessed Be xx

Blocked

It's like every time I try to do something, or I accidentally do something lately I just get blocked.
I don't mean as in the on-line term. I mean just physically, emotionally, mentally blocked.

I get feelings for a boy. I get blocked
I try to get with a different boy who I love. I get blocked.
I try to stop feeling stuff for boys. I get total block.

I feel like I've let people into my heart and they've just crushed it.

How can it have come to this??
How can things have gone from so perfect, to so shit, in a single day?

How can someone tell you they love you, and make you believe it... Make you feel like the only person in the entire world... Make you feel like the only person who can make them happy is you, and the only one who can make you happy is them... and then turn around and say they don't want to be with you? Not just don't - NEVER want to be with you. There's an 'ever' in never. As in - don't EVER. As in - not EVER. As in - it was just a bit of fun.

Gee thanks. I'm good enough to play with and keep in the peripherals of your life, but not good enough to be with you through it all.
He is basically saying "I can't trust you" or "I don't want you to be part of this". It all translates to "not good enough" no matter what anyone tries to say otherwise.
It's a kick in the teeth if nothing else.

But you know what hurts more? What is pissing me off beyond all belief, and what is driving me god damn insane??
The fact that I knew, I knew, it'd be like this.
I knew I shouldn't let things get that deep. Knew I shouldn't let him in, and give him that stupid heart of mine. Knew it would only break - as it did - and only hurt too much to bear. Knew I'd have no one to blame but myself when it happened.
I god damn saw it coming, and still walked into it with my arms wide open.

WHY!??

Am I such a glutton for punishment?
Do I want to be hurt or something??

The phrase "What were you thinking?" doesn't even start to describe it!

I mean, I let myself feel so much for him. Feel what I felt years ago and then some. Feel what I felt for the other two great loves in my life, with that little bit extra on top.
I have never been so nervous or reserved in my behaviour before. Maybe next time I'll be reserved in my feelings instead.
Ha- I wish.

The heart break was easy enough to deal with. I've felt my heart break a million times before. I'm used to that.
What I can't deal with is the fact that I walked straight into it.

It's like walking into a lamppost!
Yeah, if you're not paying attention, or you're running really fast and dodge out of one things way and into the lamppost, it's kinda funny - kinda embarrassing - and really painful.
But this is more like seeing the lamppost and going - naaah, that's not really there! Then walking (or running) straight into it. Just as funny, just as painful - but the embarrassment is so much worse. And you kick yourself so hard for not believing your own eyes.

So yeah - that's me. So blonde that I walked (metaphysically) into a lamppost that I saw coming.

...

-.-

I suppose I wouldn't be so angry and upset if it weren't for my hormones being at peek 'INSANITY' time... but you can only blame hormones for so much.
I've been practically psychotic lately.
Smashing glass bottles against the wall only seemed normal-ish because I convinced my flatmates to join in. Safety in numbers when it comes to craziness.

Slamming my not-so-working phone into a wall and killing it however - not so normal-ish.
The speaker(s) had totally stopped working, which annoyed the hell out of me, and in my childish, rage-filled mood, I thought that hitting it "gently" against the wall would fix said speakers.
Note to self, don't slam touch-screen phones into walls. It breaks them. Lots.

Oh well. I was needing a new phone anyway... this way I just have to buy one in the morning, rather than in a few weeks when I've a better idea of what to get.
Could be worse. I could have dropped it in the shower... or soaked it in energy drink... >.>...<.<....>.>...
okay, so I've done those before with this phone... but this is damage beyond my repair level.
I suppose I'd be upset if it weren't for the fact I've been wanting to get rid of this phone now for a while (since it was bought for me by an ex that I'm trying to forget) and it actually worked properly.
I thought I'd been sleeping through alarms and was going crazy for not hearing my text-tone. Nope, just wasn't playing the stupid things.

Oh well.

Angry, non-sense rant over.


Blessed Be xx

Love Letters

For my love,

How long has it been since your name was entwined with mine?
I gave you up so long ago. Stopped believing you were real in any of the ways that matter. Stopped believing the things you said. Stopped letting myself care about you.
I moved on. I forced myself to.
That night I tattooed your initials on my leg with permanent marker, I placed another's beside it. I remember staring at it through my tights each day that week, knowing what I was giving up, and not wanting to. Tracing the lines of that letter, until I had the courage to give my heart to someone else.


But you never gave me up. I gave my heart away time and time again, never finding real happiness; but through it all you were there - calling me, talking to me, being everything you always were. I'd complain, I had to really... I was engaged... I couldn't have a random man call me and end the conversation with
"I love you, bye."


The reason we never stayed together was because we never met up. We never had the money, or the time... plenty of inclination though. It should have been enough. I know it should. I wanted you to be my first.... 

But things don't always turn out that way... do they?....

Then, finally, we meet... and it's like we're 16 again! The past melts away and you're just you, and I'm just me, and nothing seems to have changed. It's so much fun! We have a great time, you even get along with my friends, and there's that humour of yours shining through everything. I totally forget that what you do takes you away from me constantly, or that you aren't going to be able to stay just that little bit longer than planned. That you can't just stay over when ever you want. 

It's like I've found a piece of heaven... and it's been there all along...

Life just seemed to fall into place. You made it all feel right again... 

I spent so much time just looking at you, as if I could drink you in with my eyes. Part of me knew you would have to leave, and started making note of everything about you so I had it all saved up for when you were gone. That smile of yours will keep me feeling warm inside until it fades from my memory. The way it lights up your entire face... the way it feels like it's just for me...

But then... 

     ... leaving early... 

          ... not wanting you to go...

      ... always fearing being left makes it so much harder to watch you leave...

...You were right of course. Time for the real world. And the real world isn't about relaxing with friends, or having breakfast together, or wandering around town, or laughing together... not for you... 

I catch myself thinking about you, and force myself to stop; because I know that your world can't be mine, and mine... mine just isn't real to you. 

I can admit now that I have always loved you. Since you were just my friends long-distance thing... since we were young and innocent(er)... through my years of discovery, and yours... through my relationships and your departures... right up until now... I've loved you.

Seeing you brought every feeling back to the surface that I had buried so many years ago, and now those feelings wont go away again.

I'm trying to pull back together the feelings I had before. The complicated friendships and the almost relationships. The feelings that practically evaporated when you kissed me for the first time. Nothing, and no-one, seems to compare to you any more...

I miss you.

I love you.

I'll live without you. 

I know I'll have to.

My heart has been returned to you again. Keep it safe. I want it back... along with the rest of you.

     Yours eternally...

x x x x x

With joyous hope All things conspired to fill me

For once I'm going to mention the title of this blog and explain why I chose it.


It's a line from Dante's Inferno.
When I started this blog I made the decision that each post's title would be a literary quote. Lately I've not been able to think of any that are interesting, or that work with the idea's floating around in my head. So I figured I'd open a book at random and see what it said.
Dante's Inferno just seemed like a good place to start. I was aiming for the middle, but ended up in Canto 1... just so you know Dante wrote 34 Canto's to "The Inferno"... yeah, I failed.
Then again, the words that jumped out of the page to greet me were:

The hour was the morning's prime, and on his way

Aloft the sun ascended with those stars,

That with him rose when Love divine first moved

Those its fair works: so that with joyous hope

All things conspired to fill me, the gay skin

Of that swift animal, the matin dawn,

And the sweet Season.  ... 

Now, if you know me - or if you've read my blogs before - you'll know that I'm rather cynical and (if we're being honest... which we normally are) rather depressing.

The thing is, lately I just feel like the world is this big fluffy ball of light.

Okay - exaggeration there. But it's as if everything has fallen into perspective. Or fallen into place maybe. 

It's like my head has finally sorted itself out.

I know, I know - took blooming long enough! But better late than never.

I'm not saying that I'm suddenly little miss perfect or anything. Gosh, far from it! But I'm not worried any more. Not about the silly stuff at least.
I mean, I'm kinda worried about my mum (she goes in hospital for major surgery in just under a month), I'm a little worried about my sister - her pregnancies have a tendency to not run exactly smoothly, and I'm worried about Geoff and Di - neither of them are well. Pneumonia and gallstones... not fun!

But other than that, nothing seems like a major threat to the balance of life. 

Maybe it's because I'm listening to such nice music lately.

Maybe it's because I'm at that part on my cycle where my hormones are FINALLY leaving me alone a little. The relief is palpable.

Maybe it's because I'm back in Leicester (YAAAY!!!) and have my own space again.

Or maybe it's just because I've started to actually take responsibility for myself (it's been a while since I did that).

The time apart from my friends has forced me to stand on my own feet. Okay - most of that time apart was spent either talking to them or laid around doing very little (other than reading). Still, there's this sense of having to do it on your own when you're apart from your support structure. 

I mean, I don't cope well at my parents house. They want to do everything for me... but also want me to do everything... it's complicated and can cause a fair bit of friction. 

I'm starting to notice a pattern of up and down.

When I'm up, there's nothing in the world than can bring me down.

When I'm down, nothing can bring me back up.

The only person who can shift me between total high and absolute low is my bestest best friend. He can sink my ship or hand me cloud nine with just a word at times. Strange that. 

I guess he's the only one I've let close enough to my heart in a long time. 

I mean, I've loved other people - I have! But none of them have had my trust or my confidence to that level. I always say I'll never close my heart off - never be cold like that. But there's still a barrier that erected itself around the very core of my being. A barrier that allows me to close people out when I really need to. That allows me to give them up when I need to. 

I suppose it's my unconscious preparation to loose people. After being hurt that much from loosing someone you kind of don't want to hurt that way again. So you close off a little. Build a little wall around your inner-self that will keep you from falling apart too much if someone else disappears from your life. 

Thing is, I think Li got walled up inside there too. 

I mean, by the time I was making that little fortress I was already pushing everyone else away. There was nothing to push away with Li though. I tried to push him away anyway (and have continued to try on and off over the years - which has probably destroyed something of what friendship we had/have) but failed. 

That's the real reason I can't imagine life without him though. Because there's nothing between him and my feelings. Not like with my other friends, where I've saved something of myself from them. Some tiny indescribable part that can be planted again and carry on without them if life steals them away. 

I'm scared that there wouldn't be that little bit left if Li disappeared. That I'd have to start from scratch all over again (which I suppose is doable... but you get what I mean. It's not nice to have to start over with nothing). 

Thing is, I'm not scared of that. Not in any real conscious way. It's just something in the back of brain somewhere filed away under "interesting observations". If I were scared of it I'd have made an escape plan - contingencies. Worked out ways to get over things... blah blah blah... 

But like I say. I trust Li. I don't just trust him with my life, I trust him with my heart. Trust him not to hurt me. I can't say that about anyone else. 

I suppose that's why I don't do well with the dating thing. How do you date when you can't trust anyone with your heart? Well, anyone else. Because you always end up with the distinction. 

It always comes down to "Yes, I love you. Yes, I trust you.... but I trust him more."

Yeah - not met a guy (or girl) who can handle that one. Inferiority complex? Jealousy? Or does it just plain hurt to be told by your girlfriend/boyfriend/partner/potential partner that they trust someone else more than you?

I should probably find out from someone... but I'm worried that it's the latter. I don't really want to have hurt people - ever - so to think that I've hurt them through caring for someone else kinda messes with my emotional scale a little. 

I mean, I'm sure there's a door in the wall somewhere to let someone else in. But the key seems to have been misplaced. 

It'll take someone very special to get through there. A locksmith maybe... (*no C4 allowed!)

But you know what, I don't care. 

I don't care if it takes a million years, or if it never happens. I don't care if the person who picks the lock is Li and he escapes. 

Right now I'm happy. And everything I see just makes me happier. 

If it's something bad, I feel happy that it's not hurting me. If it's good, I feel happy because it reflects my happiness. 
I'm not sure if that even makes sense, but hey! It's all good... I think that's the general sentiment I'm trying to convey anyway ha!


So, these are the final days of my life as a 21year-old student...
I'm going to miss it. 21 has been my most odd, up and down, bonkers year of life. I've had some of the best highs and some pretty severe lows too. Lost and gained friends. Partied as hard as I could...
And through it all, I felt like a sexy, suave - hip, happening chick - so sure of myself, because I was Twenty-One. The age that epitomises youth and freedom, with all the benefits of having no restraints and none of the weight of responsibility. 


Twenty-Two is when I buckle down and do some hard work, and hopefully pull myself up to a first class degree before finishing at this mad place that I've loved so much.
Normally I'd be overwhelmed by the amount of work that needs to be done - but somehow I'm relishing it. 
I guess it's because it's an insane amount of work to have given myself. Helping out so much at DemonTV - learning extra equipment, learning to edit properly, going to all the meetings, volunteering for everything going - and not just that, I'm going out and having a social life - for the first time ever - and a secret project to work on with a couple of friends (shhhhh - it's a secret!!). And the work load I've wrangled for myself is a bit crazy too. Normal people split there timetable evenly between terms one and two - or make them first term heavy so they have the second term freer to do their dissertation in third year. Not me! I decided to do the half year modules all in my second term. I was only doing two last term, and I couldn't find the motivation to attend lectures. It felt pointless to get up and go in for only 4 hours a week. 

With this much work I know I have to stay motivated or it will literally crush me. I don't work well under pressure unless it's rediculous. If I have time to breath with stuff I have a tendancy to loose my drive. With this hectic timetable, that I'm still trying to fit Gym and the secret project into - as well as keep up with my blogs (which now amount to far too many for a normal person to need might I add), and somewhere around April I need to start fitting in job hunting... it would probably help if I'd give up the partying. Not going to happen. 
If I don't get to go dancing twice a month there's no point in being here anymore. I'm not going to be a shut in anymore. I prefere having fun. 
So there.


I have three calendars up now. Two are whiteboards - you know, like a normal write-on wipe-off board, but with a grid on it labled monday to sunday that you can change the dates on every month - and all of them are full. 
One is full of just dates, deadlines and notes for DemonTV - for example, my entry in monday 10th little box is telling me I have to have finished the technical script for the Quiz Show and have it emailed to the Gmail account by midnight, and the weekend before has notes in it like "Querry relaunch party?" or "Query ident". 
 Then the other one is mostly deadlines and birthdays. That's the paper one. It's boxes are the smallest. 

The final one has all of my Course notes on it - like deadlines, the time of my first lecture each day, work that I need to be doing each week/day, scheduled in times for the library, colours dot here and there where I've remembered at the last minute routine things like going to the gym. It also has notes of when I'm supposed to go to my parents, and when I have time to do birthday present shopping... It's literally FULL of little black squiggles that, if you squint, turn into words. 

Oh, and I finished my to-do lists about an hour ago.
One that's a weekly reading list (yeah, my list is so long I need a full whiteboard for each week) one that's things I need to do for DemonTV, then a Dissertation to-do list... oh and a chores/everyday to-do list (that reminds me whose presents I need to buy)


I've really gone big on the lists!
I'm trying to be organised....

Hey !  There's a first time for everything!


I'm one of those people who would end up with a room covered in post-it notes if I didn't have a little more self restraint.
Okay, restraint isn't what keeps me practically post-it free. The whiteboards do.
My friends will tell you I have far too many of them. But hey! I'd have my bedroom decorated as a white board if I could - that way you could write on the walls whenever you needed to remember something - and you could clean it off whenever you wanted to. That, to me, is epic.


I know you can get black-board paint... but I don't want to chalk things on the wall. I want to use a pen and feel it squeek in that soft, wet way that doesn't hurt your ears but feels like you're making a real... slidey... impact on the wall. Also the colours are brighter.


Wow, you can tell I'm really concentrating too much on sorting out my room and making lists... I'm talking about the most inane stuff!!
It started off so deep... and turned into a ball of fluff with ears and a tail...


Then again, I've been such a dumb-blonde lately it's scary.
It's as if someone took my common sense and replaced it with bubbles.
I mean - it's nice to be all bubbly and happy... but there are times where having a little bit of common sense is really really useful.
Like... you know... everyday life.... 
For example: going downstairs to wash your clothes and having the common sense to take the clothes down with you.
Or going down to get said wet washing without a basket, and having the common sense to fetch said basket instead of carrying wet things upstairs and therefor getting the clothes you're wearing wet...
Better still, locking a door and remembering that means you have your keys with you... so you don't get home and think you've locked yourself out of an empty house without your keys...


It's even simple things like remembering that things you heat up get hot and hot things burn.
Or that radiators only get warm if you turn them on...


Yeah, I've not been exactly 'with it'. 
Normally it would bug the hell out of me, but it's too funny. 
Some of the little faux pas's that I've made... just by reading words and phrases wrong, or mispronouncing words and saying something that is just so wrong, on so many levels, by accident. I think that maybe I've lost my mind... though I've been saying that meaning I'm crazy for years, so no one will really notice anyway!


I've been up 20hours now... I'm expecting to get tired soon... which is a pain in the bum, because it'll muck my body clock up if I go to sleep now.
So I think I'm going to stay up and read for a while.

I'm not really sure what happened to this blog post... I kept getting distracted...
Stupid shiney things!


Speaking of shiney things -
I have a shiney new blog! Creative Responsibility
It's another fiction based one, and has a lot of stuff from a fair while ago on it already. Copy&paste ftw!
So yeah, I've been trying to organise that. It's not exactly 100% yet, and there's not that much to read on it as of yet. Just Witch Way Round (up to the first bits of part 5, because it's still in progress) Layne and Kye (which was started years ago and never finished) up to chapter 11, then some little bits of writing like tiny snippets of "Dragon Hunter" as well as the start of "The Mad and the Mindless"...
Well, now you know practically the entire content... feel free to browse it!!

The basic idea is to us that one as my main base of operations.
I still prefere the input methods of blogger.com, and I'm not leaving this blog - no, you can't get rid of me that easily! But I should imagine my fictional blogs will slowly be left alone except for that one.

Oh! There's a links page too that you should probably check out!
The blogs in there are all from blogger, and are all really good to read. I've not put all my friends on there yet (because I was rushing and just picked a handfull to get the ball rolling) but there's also some good music links on there too - youtube ones - that are definitely worth a gander if you get chance.
 
Apart from that, I'm very much out of things to say.
All of my creativeness is kind of being poured into the fictional blogs and my music lately, so sorry these are going a bit down hill.

Though I have just remembered my flatmate is back!
Geraldine came back tonight - so I'm not on my own anymore. Still missing all my friends... but I was kinda enjoying having the house to myself. Oh well! 
It was so funny, because Gee had forgotten her keys - all the way back at her boyfriends. Which is about 2 hours drive away. So I had to let her in (which wasn't a problem)... but the problem came when we realised that she had locked her bedroom door before she left for Christmas.
I offered her and her boyfriend my bed (its a giant double) - god I was glad that I'd cleaned the sheets earlier! It would have been so embarrassing to have a smelly bed and offer it to someone else to lay in - but they wouldn't hear of it. Wouldn't push me out of my own bed.

Thing is, there's a little sofa they could sleep on downstairs in the freezing cold kitchen, or a floor in the back room that they could lay on. 
The choose to camp. 
We had just set it up with the sofa cushions, my pillows and duvet (there's a spare single quilt in the cupboard that I swapped them for) and a random sleeping bag (that I think may have come with the house... I'm not entirely sure), when I decide it would be funny to try my bedroom door key in her lock.
Gee didn't care. She thought I was a bit silly...


... until I called out that her door was unlocked, and they could sleep in there for the night...


Yeah, we have identical locks on our doors. How creepy is that?
Good job we trust each other!!


So we dismantled the make-shift camp and they've been tucked up in bed for a good six hours or so now!
Glad they didn't have to sleep on the floor... but at the same time I'm a little worried that I spoilt the fun of the adventure.
I'm sure I'll find out later today.

Well! I hope you're enjoying the new year.
Congratulations to Jodie on a lovely new nephew!! Glad he and your sister are okay!

Can't wait for the weekend when everyone comes back.
Miss everyone so much.


Blessed Be xx

Happy New Year!

Ah, yes - it's that time of year. That time where we set fire to things and watch them explode in the sky; when we  drink and sing and make big plans.

Call me disillusioned, but I don't see why the first of January is so very important.
I mean, I get that it's a new year... that the end of one year has arrived, and a new one is all shiny and on the brink... but what's the big deal? It's just a random grouping of 365 days, we could celebrate a new year any time, it feels so arbitrary.
Then again, I feel as though every day should be treated on its own merits. We should celebrate every day with the same exuberance. Maybe not the fireworks, or the count down, but with that same sense of excitement and good intentions.

Maybe I'm becoming a cynic in my (not so) old age.
It's a week and a bit till I turn 22 now. I'm trying to look forward to it, but it just feels like another day.
It's not like when you turn 16 or 18 or 21, when your suddenly allowed to do more things. Life opening up before you. It's just another day after a while though.
Christmas was just another day this time round. Nothing seems special any more.

Maybe it's because things seem so much more special when I'm in Leicester with my friends. Grabbing a camera and going to film something, or swinging by studio to do some recording. Going for a walk by the river, swing by the gym for a little exercise, going dancing whenever we can come up with an excuse.
We. That's the key to it. The people are what make every day special.
Just having them close by, ready for a laugh, ready for anything. They just make it feel like everyday is a holiday.
Can you tell I miss them?

My best friend in particular. He's the  one who makes everything so fun.
His drive and clarity, his pure excitement in the world, his dedication and determination... they give me hope. More than that, he inspires me.

Maybe one year we'll get to celebrate these 'special' days together, rather than pandering to the needs and desires of others. That way they'll actually feel special. Till then, I'm taking each day as it comes. A new day is just round the corner.

Here's to making every day better than the one before.
Here's to a new year. May it be a happy one.


Blessed Be xx

P.S. Check out the random rubbish I've been writing on L S Bland ^_^

An open palm holds more than a closed fist

"Li...?" I have a feeling something is wrong. I can't remember what's happened, but if Li's here it's all going to be okay. 


He looks at me and turns away.


That look... as if I were something he'd rather forget. As if I were something unpleasant he'd wiped off the bottom of his shoe. It crumples me, and I sink to my knees as he walks away.
My tears are incessant, pouring down my face in a waterfall, cascading down my cheeks and neck and chest... I feel my heart ripped out for the last time and I cry out after him
"Please! Don't leave me!?" It's almost a question, but not quite. The plea goes unheeded and he slowly disappears.


The gasping half wakes me, and I roll over. Feverish, still upset. I don't bother drying my eyes. The pillow isn't too damp yet, it'll be fine. I snuggle closer to the pillow, pulling my teddy closer...


She grabs my hand and pulls me along. Excited. Party time! 
Li is grinning at me. But he isn't coming with. Why?
I turn to him, wanting a hug. Something left over from before makes me need his arms round me.
If you hold me in your arms and saaaay...
But he's too far away. He waves and get's into the car, still smiling. Then drives away.
"Wait!" I call out to him as he turns to reverse out. 
Luke looks back at me and I call out again "Wait!" but he's gone.

She giggles at me and turns a corner in the garden. I go to follow her, but... but she's gone. I'm stood all alone. Everyone has left me.
I sigh. 


We're sat in a big room, full of comfy comfy seats. It's great - everyone's here. Well, almost everyone. School friends, DemonTV friends, loads of people. All chatting away happily. All happily ignoring me. 
It's Ness who pulls me up and away from everyone. We're going somewhere important. Dan comes with. 
I don't know where I am. It's like someone's jumbled everything up and the place we are isn't anywhere at all. 
I turn to ask Dan, but he's suddenly not there.
I turn back to ask Ness, but - yep - you guessed it - she's gone too.


The cold sweat on my forehead as I look up from my pillow makes me want to snuggle under the covers some more.
I don't want to sleep ever again if this is the only REM I'm going to get. 


I roll over again, this time onto my back. 
The headache is already throbbing, and there's a slight rattle when I breath.
Joy. Is it time to get up yet?


I spend a majority of the day in bed, then curled up on the sofa with my laptop - reading. Mum fusses around me, but apart from the bad sleep I feel fine. 
Okay, standing up seems to be detrimental to me staying completely conscious... and I keep coughing. But all I feel is a little tired. A little emotional too. Boo to you.


MSN is the only thing keeping me entertained eventually. Conversing with Li and Dan... and whoever else pops online really.


Eventually I'm back in bed, curled up talking to my bestest best friend (in broken French at times), discussing nothing really. Okay, so my tired brain isn't in the best of places to start a discussion about life, the universe or anything... and he's only talking on and off really. It's early in the morning. You can't blame us... 


But hey.         
You know what? Sometimes I just shouldn't open my big fat gob.      
For some reason we've been half arguing over nothing for a majority of the conversation. I've blamed my hormones... not sure if I've been believed but hey! 
And... then I have to go and bring Luke up don't I?     
Questions like "Do you still love him?" come up - and without the aid of his vocal emphasis it comes across as a jealous accusation. 
Logic tells me it isn't, so I just respond as honestly as I can. 
He thinks I'm thinking about stuff too much...       
Then some where along the line, the conversation explodes: 


"STOP DWELLING!!   OR I SWEAR I WILL GO DOWN THERE AND KICK YOUR ARSE TILL HALLELUJAH"      


I'm already crying by this point. Have been since this part of the conversation started actually. It's easy enough for him to tell me to stop dwelling, but it's bloody hard to do. Especially when Luke isn't what I'm dwelling on.
I go for humour. Bit of truth mashed in with my attempt at 'subject change'...     


"liar"      


... crashes and burns.
I mean, I know he can't come down here. If he could, he'd be here already, and we wouldn't be fighting. So I got the truth bit... but the 'subject change'...? 


"ok, maybe i can't... but I will in leicester... I WILL KICK YOU SO HARD YOU WONT WALK FOR DAYS"      


nice turn of phrase... I actually giggle through my tears.       


"then people WILL think we're having sex"            


Please, please, please let that have diffused the situation. I hurt. Lots. I just want a hug and maybe a gentle (if firm) few words to get me through the night.         
I miss him like crazy, and I need him right now - because I'm starting to really deal with the shit that I did and went through with Luke. I am! I'm lonely as hell right now though... sometimes family just isn't enough, you know? I need my friends - I need them.    


His reply comes as a slap round the face:       


"I WILL NOT TALK TO YOU"     
  
ouch... that cut deep. The tears kick up a notch and I can barely breath.         


"that just might kill me..."      


He doesn't realise how true this is. Or if he does, he must be really mad at me to threaten it.    
I don't handle loss all that well, and right now it feels like all I do is loose people. The dreams... the dreams don't help.
He doesn't reply for a moment, and the pain intensifies.
Loosing my best friend... loosing him... 
I'm sobbing now. Full on, heart wrenching sobs. 
I don't even know why he's so angry at me. 
I'm about to beg him to... to what? Something... even if it's only talk to me. I've had him stop talking to me before and I barely managed the pain. Why do we argue so much lately? And why does it almost always turn out to be my fault?
The image of him walking away from me flashes before my closed eyes and I sob into my quilt a little harder.


Finally:


"so... stop dwelling... and accept what happened..."


Ultimatum.
In a way, he's telling me I have to forgive myself. Which I can't. Not yet.
Shit. I'll try if it means he isn't mad at me. I'll do anything to make him not mad at me.


"ok, just please don't leave me"


I've pulled the quilt into a bunch and am still sobbing into it. Trying to muffle the painful noises that keep coming out of my mouth unbidden. 
If I weren't so upset to start with his anger would be almost bearable. 
I don't do well with his anger when it's directed at me. It hurts. And it hurts that I only ever get it when he's hurting too... hurting because of some dumb shit I've done...


But I can't handle it now. Everything hurts so much right now!
I know he's right. He almost always is. I know he's saying it for my sake, and to help... but how do I stop thinking about the ex when I'm scared of bumping into him?
How am I supposed to not think about it all when I'm freaked out by Luke's girlfriend having any similarities to me... though I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe it's because of what Sarah said before we went to the wet-t-shirt competition:

"He would call one day and be all 'I really miss Lauren', then the next it was 'I really like you', then 'I really miss Lauren' again..."


I don't want him to miss me. The thought scares me in this odd way. Like that there's a possibility there of 'more than friends' happening again. That's the really scary thought. 
I can see it now:
Move back to Grantham, get a lousy job while looking for something better. Get back in with the old crew. Get close with Luke again. Same circle starts up...


The idea of being with him in a relationship makes my dinner want to pop up and say hello again. My stomach is queasy just thinking about it now.  
To me, he represents being trapped. He, to me, epitomises the term 'stuck in a rut'. I know it's just because of what happened between us... but I can't help that. 
I like being his friend... I want to be his friend... but the idea of more is petrifying.
So the thought of him holding out some hope makes me want to run to the hills like you would not believe.   


That's why her having the same top as me brought the breakfast back to the top of my oesophagus when I first saw her dancing with him. 
It didn't help that I'd forgotten that it was in my wardrobe and I had this horrible image of him giving some new girl my clothes. 
Like that bit in simpsons where the woman wakes up and Ned is giving her his dead wife's haircut...


Okay - OTT I know... but that was my gut reaction.   


Yeah. I have serious issues there. 
But I hate being accused of 'dwelling' on shit. Even though I'm pretty sure this is probably going to get me beaten with a wet fish for doing just that...


Thing is, to me, dwelling is when you can't stop thinking about something. It's when you mope around going "oh, it's all so sad, and horrid, and bad... poor me!" and are basically a pathetic piece of nothingness. 
I don't think I've been like that.  
Damn - is that what people have been seeing??  


See, I don't know what's worse - that that's what people see, or that I might actually be doing it. 
I mean, I think about it now and then. 
And when I do, it kinda goes along these lines:


"You were a total bitch to him. You know it. You should have been there for him when he needed you and you weren't. You're a crap friend. You don't deserve friends you selfish bitch."


"Oh - cause he was such a fucking angel was he? And I wasn't going through anything at all was I?? He was one of the reasons I had the god damn break downs!! Don't you remember gasping for breath and crying on his living room floor after he tried to suffocate you and wouldn't stop?? Don't you remember huddling under his table and not being able to stop rocking for an hour? God damn! The boy held your hand when you cried for your dead brother - that doesn't mean he was good to you!"


"Now you're being too harsh! He was good when he tried!"

"He didn't try often enough though - did he?"


"And you did?"


"Fuck you."


"You found someone who treated you better and decided you were too good for him!"

"I am too good for him."


"Liar. You'll never be good enough for someone better. Too dirtied and crude - too much of a bitch. You run away if there's a problem anyway - who sticks by someone who wont stick by them? You're just a bitch. Admit it."


"You know what - I'd rather die than continue this pointless argument. I feel like crap now - are you happy?"

"I'm you, idiot. If you feel like crap so do I. Use your fucking brain."

"Ugh - I'm sick of not being able to think! Why can't I do maths anymore? Why can't I write essays??"


"Cause you're a useless piece of crap."

"You know what - if you hate me so much, why don't you just fuck the hell off?"




Yeah... I'm really polite when conversing with myself in my head. 


But that is how polarised my views of everything have been.
It's either his fault or mine in my head. I can't seem to compromise yet and go - look, we both messed up. We both had reasons. Move on.
I mean, logically, rationally, reasonably, I know that's the truth. I know that it was just a two way thing that went wrong. I do. 


So why does my heart want to blame someone?



That's what I'm dwelling on. Why am I caught up in blaming someone? And why do I want to blame myself so badly?
I agree you shouldn't dwell on stuff, but I need the answer to that question.
I need to know... I can't explain why. It's just one of those things. I feel that if I can work out why I'm wrapped up in this issue of who's fault it is, everything will fall into place and I'll be able to understand what the hell is going on inside my head. 


That's what I mean when I tell people I need to dwell to deal with it.
I'm not worried about the issue itself. I'm worried about the ridiculous emotional 'issue' of blame, and why I can't let go of the idea.


I suppose I still judge myself by the worlds view of right and wrong. To me, everything is grey. There is no real right or wrong. But to the world, they're distinct. They're black and white. 
So I need to know which I am.
By the worlds standards, am I black, or am I white?
Was I right, or was I wrong?


Li told me that our argument wasn't about right or wrong, it was about "what would be kind on me"
That's fine, I guess... but for the rest of the world, life is about right and wrong. The argument in my head is about it too. It's about trying to decide which is my conscience and which is my ego (super ego and id retrospectively for those pedantic psychology people). I mean, I should be able to work it out. Which are the rules that society enforces on us??
oh... that would be... neither.... helpful! Not.


Society teaches us that you should be there for people, but it also teaches us fairness and equality. It teaches us not to put up with the shit that we're given... 
I mean - if I were Christian (I would have lost my mind, but that's not the point) I would believe in turning the other cheek and not hurting others and always being there for them...
But would a Christian stay in a relationship so full of abuse?
No.


I think the thing that gets me, is that voice that feels so guilty about how I acted... it's as if it's close to saying "If you'd been a better person you'd still be with him."
As you can tell, I am more inclined to say "Well, glad I was an asshole then!" when this line of thinking comes up. Until I'm really lonely that is. Then it's the thought that I might be married like my sister by now that gets me. The thought that I might be expecting a little one instead of, or as well as, her now. Those are the bits that get me. Not who, but what. 
I think "You were engaged. You had someone to make a life with. Now you have to do it alone." and I go 'but I want a baby.. I want it to be my turn =('
Inpatients is a virtue...


I would get so broody sometimes last year I would ask Libor for a baby.
"It'll take nine months!" he'd say
".... Keep the receipt." I'd reply.
That baby is at least 3 months past due. I bet he never put the order in. If he did, he's lost the receipt. 


Anyway, that's enough of me trying to explain away the stupid arguments that my head causes.
It was just an excuse not to go to sleep anyway.
I'll leave you with the song that Li sent me, because it's beautiful and sad. It's my link to the title of this blog.
My idea for it was to emphasise how what you let be free in the palm of your hand stays there, while what you cling onto in a fist escapes.... but have a sweet song instead.

Oh yes! Merry Christmas everyone!!
It's officially Christmas... I'll bet I've scared Santa off this year by typing. My sister says it sounds like a hail storm when I type. Though, the coughing is probably a lot louder!


Yeah, my chest is pretty bad at the minute. Think I may have gotten a chest infection for Christmas!! Yay?
It's fine. I don't feel that bad. The cough is just unexpected all the time. Until I lay down and sound like I'm trying to gargle when I'm just trying to breath...
It feels almost like drowning if I'm honest. Got a bad feeling about this one. Scary images of puncturing lungs to drain fluid... eep!
But hey! I don't feel too ill at the minute, so Christmas will pass in the good faith and energy that I've managed to muster from somewhere.


I'm cooking today with Mum. 
By that, I mean her hips bad and I'm going to force her to sit down and let me do a majority of it. If she'll let me. For once.
She let me dissect the heart and lungs of the turkey last night before we boiled them up to make gravy stock. It was SO cool!! I never got to do the heart dissection thing at school. No wonder everyone goes on about it though! So interesting! I'd love to do a photography project on the interior of the heart actually.


Thinking about it, I might get up in a couple hours and put the turkey in for her actually. 
Not like I'm going to get much sleep anyway. And even if I do, the nightmares will keep me waking up at nice regular intervals.
Gotta love having a high temperature sometimes. Next it'll be hallucinations! Yay!!


Anyway, Seasonal greetings and merryment to you!
May all your Christmas's be bright (if not white) ^_^



Blessed Be xx

The recurring mistake

Everyone makes this mistake once in their life. Maybe twice. I seem to be making it repeatedly.

It's the mistake where you think that you're the only one who has the problems you do.

I mean - technically, YES. You are the only person with the exact problems you have.
But in reality, everyone has them. Well, practically everyone.

I don't know why, or how, but it's as though when my problems get to be too much people who aren't struggling just don't seem to have problems. Or if they do, they aren't as big. Aren't as difficult. Aren't as fresh...

Then the person you're saying "You don't understand!!" to turns around and says - actually, I've been through this, this and this... just like you. I do understand. You're making a bigger deal out of this than you need to.

I hate that feeling.
Not because I've been put down.
Not because someone else is dealing with the same thing better than I am.
But because I've underestimated their problems.

It's like a slap to the face.

One of my closest friends turns around and basically says "Look, I was on the brink of suicide once. I pulled myself through and won't go back. Buck up and do the same will ya?"
And all I can think is:
a) why didn't you tell me?
b) did you tell me and I've forgotten?
c) how could I have been so horrible as to put you through the complaints and descriptions that I have, making you think about the shit you've been through yourself?? 
d) how the hell do you put up with me?

I'd like to say it gives me the strength to carry on. But to be honest, it just crushes my hope - my belief in myself - that I'm a good person. It makes me see how much of an ass I really am. Probably a much needed wake up call to be fair.

I don't understand why I have to have bigger problems than everyone else at the minute. I don't understand why there's this selfishness just breeding inside me.
I'm trying to understand it though. I need to find the root of it so I can stop it.
I mean... my mum shows the same propensity for self annihilating exaggeration that I'm now displaying. So does my grandma. And my flat mate.
Could that be a part of it?
I was severely bullied as a kid and only started having friends once I became a selfish bitch...
could that be a part of it too?

I think the thing is, I have been through some serious problems in the past few years.
Life got turned upside down.
I felt very alone.
But now that life is nearly the right way up again, I'm still expecting to be on the end of all the shit.
I'm still expecting to be the one with the most problems.
Maybe that's not quite right, or true... but maybe it's part of the problem.

My best friend thinks I'm just dwelling on things.
Maybe he's right.
He got really mad at me for it last night.

Thing is, I'm not sure how you dwell, or don't dwell, on something.
To me, dwelling on something means to think about it all the time.
I don't really think about anything all the time...
So it must mean the things you think about most.
Well, I've been thinking about work and my best friend most lately... does that mean I'm dwelling on them?
I don't know.
He thinks I'm dwelling on my ex-fiancé.
Granted, I do think about Luke a lot. He pops into my head a lot. Certain songs remind me of him. Movies that we watched together... places we went together.. you know, stuff like that.
Only thing is, when I do think of him unexpectedly like that I want to cry.
I'm not even sure why.
I miss him a little. That's natural. We spent every day together for two years nearly... now we never see each other. I'm bound to miss him a little.
Guilt at how I treated him at times (like during my break downs) and how I wasn't there for him...
Anger at how he would treat me at times.
And then just pain of the memories themselves sometimes.
Loss... that one too... loss of a love you thought would be there forever. I mean, we got engaged, we were planning on spending our lives together... to loose that is quite momentous really.

So I guess that's why he's classed it as dwelling. Because I'm not just thinking about it, I'm FEELING about it. Constantly.
I'll be the first to admit it was an abusive relationship.
Maybe there's trauma there that I'm working through?
Maybe it's just an excuse because I don't have a distraction any more?
I don't honestly know. All I know is that I made a promise not to dwell any more... so I'm using this as a last ditch attempt to get it out of my system.

I know there's always going to be things that remind me of him. There's always going to be regrets.
But at the end of the day, though life isn't what I want it to be, and isn't great (isn't even always good)... there's a very real possibility that the things with Luke wouldn't have changed anything in life if they had been different.
I'll always be grateful to him for how he was there for me when I needed him the most.
I'll always regret not returning that favour when he needed me.
I'll always have the scars he left me with.

Time to let them be put to rest though.

There's nothing life or death about it.
But I've just kinda realised. These problems we have with relationships - they're a mask. They're something to hurt about when your life is going down the pan. Your work isn't going well, you're being lazy, money is a struggle, friendships are becoming strained.... it all hurts, but you don't want to admit that life is hard - so you cling to the thing that legitimately hurts.
You think "it'd be okay if there was someone laid next to me"...
mainly because you feel like it'll be okay when there's someone holding you tight and telling you that everything's going to be okay. The power of Love etc. etc...
So the smoke screen of past relationships is probably a common theme in my house.
Kaydie might be able to agree with the above... she might say it's the wrong way round...
But I think it's about right.

So, time to blow away the smoke screen and deal with the problems at hand.
1) Christmas, and how to fund it.
2) Essays!!
3) Fuck load of other work (eg, reading, scripting, organising, looking for a job)
4) Picking a path.
5) Deciding who to be

The rest can wait till I'm back at Uni.
Time to deal with life, and stop trying to convince myself that a partner would fix all my problems.

Comfort is for those who have finished their tasks.
Good things come to those who wait (not who mope around and do fuck all)

Wish me luck on my new perspective!
Kill the hormone fairy if you can catch the bitch ^_^


Blessed Be xx

Living with yourself

There's a lot of stuff I've done in my life that I regret.
I think most people can say that.
You have to live with it, don't you? Live with what you've done.

The thing is, the stuff I've done that I'm most ashamed of is stuff that doesn't even feel relevant to me anymore. It's as if it belongs to someone else...

See, a majority of my life (up until I was 18 or so really) I didn't like the thought of sex. Didn't even like having sex in the later year or so of that time.
But then I met this guy, and we ended up doing it all the time... so you get acclimatised - you know? Thing is, it got experimental. Worse than that, other people found out.
Yeah, people know intimate details about my sex life - and it bugs the hell out of me.

I think it bothers me more because the stuff I did... I don't know how to explain this...
it's like I'd put on a mask so that I could be 'sexual'. I'd wear it all the time because people seemed to respect me more if they thought I was this sex-mad monster... they left me alone at least. Didn't pick on me.
So I managed to pick up this in-built ability to be a slag.

I hate that word.
There's only one that ranks higher in my 'worst' list - and that's skank.

But yeah, basically I learnt to be a slag. No offence to my friends back home or anything - but it's what you have to do to fit in where I grew up.
I learnt that to make a guy happy you lie on your back (or bend over) and open your legs.
I learnt that being a good girlfriend meant putting out constantly.
I learnt that to attract men you had to be good in the bedroom department.

Now, that's not to say any guys forced me to feel that way... it's just how I ended up feeling. Honest.
I sometimes wish there was someone in particular to blame for it.
Someone I could hold the finger up to... okay, someone to punch in the face... but it's not like that. It was just the situations I ended up in and the people I was in them with... and okay, some of the first guys I was 'with' in any sexual capacity were total assholes... but hey!
I guess I did things wrong. Lost my virginity to a friend I was comfortable with rather than a guy I was in a relationship with (because I wanted it to be my choice, not someone else's... though I later realised I'd been catering for someone else's choice anyway).
Then with my boyfriends... ugh... it's embarrassing to say but I basically just let them use my body in any way they wanted. That's what felt right at the time.
I mean... yeah... I'd cry myself to sleep at night... but... it still seemed right at the time.

Now, a couple of months ago I decided I didn't want to be that girl anymore. It didn't reflect how I felt, it didn't reflect what I wanted, and it certainly didn't reflect how I thought. So I put my foot firmly down and said - FUCK OFF! - to the men in my life still expecting that from me. I said "enough", and since then it's like I've suddenly gone back to being 17 again.
I'm back to the girl who actually has morals and dignity.
I'm back to being the person who wouldn't drop her knickers for anyone, let alone everyone.

But the real problem is, that doesn't wipe away the years of being a twat.
And it certainly doesn't help that I've not kept that part of my life a secret.

Now I have to live not only with the fact that I've done things that are totally against my nature, I have to live with other people knowing about them. I have to live with the reputation I've made for myself...

I'm officially the dirty ho bag who cheated on her fiance, and slept with her bestmates ex boyfriends. The one who had the most shocking sex story in ring of fire. The one who's done more than a majority of her friends in the 'bedroom' department. The one who has spontaneous orgasms when she least expects them (okay, that's not my fault, so it's not the same... but it still doesn't help).

How do I turn round after that and say "I don't like sex. I don't want to have it. I don't often think about it."
It takes me a minute to get dirty jokes if we haven't already been talking about innuendo's and so forth. I get taken dirtily when it's really not meant.
I feel like people make these assumptions about me... and I don't know how to escape them.
In a way I'm glad that Uni is nearly over, because I can go somewhere new and start afresh.
At the same time, I don't want to run from my past.
Okay, it's not who I am, but it's a part of me...

Well, that's my rant over for now.
Slut turned Saint ... yea... that's true honest...

Anyway, till we meet again


Blessed Be xx