The recurring mistake

Everyone makes this mistake once in their life. Maybe twice. I seem to be making it repeatedly.

It's the mistake where you think that you're the only one who has the problems you do.

I mean - technically, YES. You are the only person with the exact problems you have.
But in reality, everyone has them. Well, practically everyone.

I don't know why, or how, but it's as though when my problems get to be too much people who aren't struggling just don't seem to have problems. Or if they do, they aren't as big. Aren't as difficult. Aren't as fresh...

Then the person you're saying "You don't understand!!" to turns around and says - actually, I've been through this, this and this... just like you. I do understand. You're making a bigger deal out of this than you need to.

I hate that feeling.
Not because I've been put down.
Not because someone else is dealing with the same thing better than I am.
But because I've underestimated their problems.

It's like a slap to the face.

One of my closest friends turns around and basically says "Look, I was on the brink of suicide once. I pulled myself through and won't go back. Buck up and do the same will ya?"
And all I can think is:
a) why didn't you tell me?
b) did you tell me and I've forgotten?
c) how could I have been so horrible as to put you through the complaints and descriptions that I have, making you think about the shit you've been through yourself?? 
d) how the hell do you put up with me?

I'd like to say it gives me the strength to carry on. But to be honest, it just crushes my hope - my belief in myself - that I'm a good person. It makes me see how much of an ass I really am. Probably a much needed wake up call to be fair.

I don't understand why I have to have bigger problems than everyone else at the minute. I don't understand why there's this selfishness just breeding inside me.
I'm trying to understand it though. I need to find the root of it so I can stop it.
I mean... my mum shows the same propensity for self annihilating exaggeration that I'm now displaying. So does my grandma. And my flat mate.
Could that be a part of it?
I was severely bullied as a kid and only started having friends once I became a selfish bitch...
could that be a part of it too?

I think the thing is, I have been through some serious problems in the past few years.
Life got turned upside down.
I felt very alone.
But now that life is nearly the right way up again, I'm still expecting to be on the end of all the shit.
I'm still expecting to be the one with the most problems.
Maybe that's not quite right, or true... but maybe it's part of the problem.

My best friend thinks I'm just dwelling on things.
Maybe he's right.
He got really mad at me for it last night.

Thing is, I'm not sure how you dwell, or don't dwell, on something.
To me, dwelling on something means to think about it all the time.
I don't really think about anything all the time...
So it must mean the things you think about most.
Well, I've been thinking about work and my best friend most lately... does that mean I'm dwelling on them?
I don't know.
He thinks I'm dwelling on my ex-fiancé.
Granted, I do think about Luke a lot. He pops into my head a lot. Certain songs remind me of him. Movies that we watched together... places we went together.. you know, stuff like that.
Only thing is, when I do think of him unexpectedly like that I want to cry.
I'm not even sure why.
I miss him a little. That's natural. We spent every day together for two years nearly... now we never see each other. I'm bound to miss him a little.
Guilt at how I treated him at times (like during my break downs) and how I wasn't there for him...
Anger at how he would treat me at times.
And then just pain of the memories themselves sometimes.
Loss... that one too... loss of a love you thought would be there forever. I mean, we got engaged, we were planning on spending our lives together... to loose that is quite momentous really.

So I guess that's why he's classed it as dwelling. Because I'm not just thinking about it, I'm FEELING about it. Constantly.
I'll be the first to admit it was an abusive relationship.
Maybe there's trauma there that I'm working through?
Maybe it's just an excuse because I don't have a distraction any more?
I don't honestly know. All I know is that I made a promise not to dwell any more... so I'm using this as a last ditch attempt to get it out of my system.

I know there's always going to be things that remind me of him. There's always going to be regrets.
But at the end of the day, though life isn't what I want it to be, and isn't great (isn't even always good)... there's a very real possibility that the things with Luke wouldn't have changed anything in life if they had been different.
I'll always be grateful to him for how he was there for me when I needed him the most.
I'll always regret not returning that favour when he needed me.
I'll always have the scars he left me with.

Time to let them be put to rest though.

There's nothing life or death about it.
But I've just kinda realised. These problems we have with relationships - they're a mask. They're something to hurt about when your life is going down the pan. Your work isn't going well, you're being lazy, money is a struggle, friendships are becoming strained.... it all hurts, but you don't want to admit that life is hard - so you cling to the thing that legitimately hurts.
You think "it'd be okay if there was someone laid next to me"...
mainly because you feel like it'll be okay when there's someone holding you tight and telling you that everything's going to be okay. The power of Love etc. etc...
So the smoke screen of past relationships is probably a common theme in my house.
Kaydie might be able to agree with the above... she might say it's the wrong way round...
But I think it's about right.

So, time to blow away the smoke screen and deal with the problems at hand.
1) Christmas, and how to fund it.
2) Essays!!
3) Fuck load of other work (eg, reading, scripting, organising, looking for a job)
4) Picking a path.
5) Deciding who to be

The rest can wait till I'm back at Uni.
Time to deal with life, and stop trying to convince myself that a partner would fix all my problems.

Comfort is for those who have finished their tasks.
Good things come to those who wait (not who mope around and do fuck all)

Wish me luck on my new perspective!
Kill the hormone fairy if you can catch the bitch ^_^


Blessed Be xx