Living with yourself

There's a lot of stuff I've done in my life that I regret.
I think most people can say that.
You have to live with it, don't you? Live with what you've done.

The thing is, the stuff I've done that I'm most ashamed of is stuff that doesn't even feel relevant to me anymore. It's as if it belongs to someone else...

See, a majority of my life (up until I was 18 or so really) I didn't like the thought of sex. Didn't even like having sex in the later year or so of that time.
But then I met this guy, and we ended up doing it all the time... so you get acclimatised - you know? Thing is, it got experimental. Worse than that, other people found out.
Yeah, people know intimate details about my sex life - and it bugs the hell out of me.

I think it bothers me more because the stuff I did... I don't know how to explain this...
it's like I'd put on a mask so that I could be 'sexual'. I'd wear it all the time because people seemed to respect me more if they thought I was this sex-mad monster... they left me alone at least. Didn't pick on me.
So I managed to pick up this in-built ability to be a slag.

I hate that word.
There's only one that ranks higher in my 'worst' list - and that's skank.

But yeah, basically I learnt to be a slag. No offence to my friends back home or anything - but it's what you have to do to fit in where I grew up.
I learnt that to make a guy happy you lie on your back (or bend over) and open your legs.
I learnt that being a good girlfriend meant putting out constantly.
I learnt that to attract men you had to be good in the bedroom department.

Now, that's not to say any guys forced me to feel that way... it's just how I ended up feeling. Honest.
I sometimes wish there was someone in particular to blame for it.
Someone I could hold the finger up to... okay, someone to punch in the face... but it's not like that. It was just the situations I ended up in and the people I was in them with... and okay, some of the first guys I was 'with' in any sexual capacity were total assholes... but hey!
I guess I did things wrong. Lost my virginity to a friend I was comfortable with rather than a guy I was in a relationship with (because I wanted it to be my choice, not someone else's... though I later realised I'd been catering for someone else's choice anyway).
Then with my boyfriends... ugh... it's embarrassing to say but I basically just let them use my body in any way they wanted. That's what felt right at the time.
I mean... yeah... I'd cry myself to sleep at night... but... it still seemed right at the time.

Now, a couple of months ago I decided I didn't want to be that girl anymore. It didn't reflect how I felt, it didn't reflect what I wanted, and it certainly didn't reflect how I thought. So I put my foot firmly down and said - FUCK OFF! - to the men in my life still expecting that from me. I said "enough", and since then it's like I've suddenly gone back to being 17 again.
I'm back to the girl who actually has morals and dignity.
I'm back to being the person who wouldn't drop her knickers for anyone, let alone everyone.

But the real problem is, that doesn't wipe away the years of being a twat.
And it certainly doesn't help that I've not kept that part of my life a secret.

Now I have to live not only with the fact that I've done things that are totally against my nature, I have to live with other people knowing about them. I have to live with the reputation I've made for myself...

I'm officially the dirty ho bag who cheated on her fiance, and slept with her bestmates ex boyfriends. The one who had the most shocking sex story in ring of fire. The one who's done more than a majority of her friends in the 'bedroom' department. The one who has spontaneous orgasms when she least expects them (okay, that's not my fault, so it's not the same... but it still doesn't help).

How do I turn round after that and say "I don't like sex. I don't want to have it. I don't often think about it."
It takes me a minute to get dirty jokes if we haven't already been talking about innuendo's and so forth. I get taken dirtily when it's really not meant.
I feel like people make these assumptions about me... and I don't know how to escape them.
In a way I'm glad that Uni is nearly over, because I can go somewhere new and start afresh.
At the same time, I don't want to run from my past.
Okay, it's not who I am, but it's a part of me...

Well, that's my rant over for now.
Slut turned Saint ... yea... that's true honest...

Anyway, till we meet again


Blessed Be xx