That is the question

I've been questioning myself, my life... everything really lately.

See, it's nearly the end of University now; I'm nearly at the point where I can be Miss Lauren Sophia Bland BA (or so I hope at least!!) and I find myself asking "well, what now?"
I mean, the plan used to be get my A's, go to Uni, get a degree, then a masters, then a doctorate... but there was never a step after that - and let's face it, I can't afford to study a masters right now. I need to build up some funds no matter what.
So... work?

I always wanted to study at Nottingham... so should I build up funds and then apply to study there?

But I always wanted to study Mathematics too... should I do a bachelors in that?

And my best friend is moving to London where there's plenty of work... and I need to build up funds anyway... so should I go there for a year?

I mean, I've never been to our nations capital... so it's on my to-do list. Living and working there would be an awesome experience (even if the experience itself wasn't so awesome)... but am I just making excuses up to stay with my friend?
They're not even definitely going to London, so should I even bother worrying about this? I suppose I'm only thinking about it so much because it got mentioned in front of Mum and I had to explain, then she told Dad, who spent most of yesterday talking to me about it. I promised I'd think about it... but I didn't expect it to be on my mind this much.

I suppose it's just that when you make amazing friends you don't make plans to be without them. Sometimes it happens that the plans you make move you away from them... but in my head I always thought I'd be with him. So it's kinda weird trying to assess what to do next without including him in my plans. I don't make plans for anything without including or considering him... we're practically joined at the hips... so to make plans for the rest of my life and try not to include him is really really hard. I don't have practice at this! haha

I'm trying to just focus on my studies. I've work coming out the wazzoo to do - books upon books upon books to read and digest. But instead I'm trying to work out what to do with my life, or considering what I've done with my life, or trying to get rid of stupid prejudices that I managed to build up when I was with Luke, or trying to just get over stuff from the past few years... I honestly just want to get my head and bash it into a wall and say "Stop it!! Just get your head down and do your work!!"
I mean it! I'm actually driving myself crazy with the stupid things whizzing round my head. Not to mention I'm actually more bothered by Demon TV than I am my course. That's really not helping with the getting work done thing...

Well, the news that I should impart is this:
I'm now normal.

Yes - you heard me. I'm normal.

Let me explain.
I have reached the age of 21 without my periods settling into a routine of any real sense (unless you count having PMT for weeks at a time, then bleeding for weeks at a time, then not having a sniff of anything hormonal for months or even years... as a routine) - thus my hormones have left me alone enough for me to be rational (like a guy) most of the time.
However, finally, on the eve of my 22nd birthday they decide to actually settle down.
Now, that seems like a good thing - right? No more weeks of PMT, no more bleeding for aaaages... but the thing is, I liked having months and months with a clear head. Where I could think sensibly and not worry about my emotions being thrown into a vortex of insanity by my bodies decision to ovulate. Now I don't get to be the rational, level headed person who thinks logically without worrying about the emotions getting tied in. Granted, I'm more of a stable person now. My personality is going to level out now... but not into what I wanted to be.
I love rationality. It's what I like about guys - unless they're thinking with their testosterone or their hearts they're simple as anything. And when they are thinking with one of those things you can TELL. You can understand guys - they make sense.
Now, I'm a girl. Girls think with their emotions, not their brains. They make wild assumptions based on how something makes them feel. I've never understood that. Not until a week ago when the PMT hit and I suddenly stopped using my brain and started using emotions instead. You know what makes girls so annoyingly complex? You can't predict emotions. You have to pay attention constantly to be able to understand which ones are affecting them, and therefore work out why they're thinking/doing what they are.
I don't want to be like that.
I don't want to think that someone likes or dislikes me by the emotion they trigger by saying something that could have been a joke or serious! It's stupid, it's irrational - I hate it.

But it doesn't go away after the PMT, it just recedes.
You don't get such huge swings and heightened emotions... but you still can't help being guided by them more than by reason.

The only thing keeping me happy right now is the thought that I might actually regain some level of fertility now.
I say 'regain' like I ever had any before... but you know what I mean!

I'm becoming such a normal person though. I'm like everyone else in that I always wanted to be 'special'...
But it's time to face facts. I'm not above average - I'm bang on boring.
I'm finally living up to my last name - Bland.

The part of me that used to be above average was my mind. But that's deteriorated and has now been consumed by emotions instead of real thinking. So that's out the window.
I mean, there's nothing wrong with being average... it's just a bit disappointing is all.
Told all your life that you can be anything. That you have the potential to do anything you try at...
Well, I suppose maybe I should have tried then? ha - serves me right!

Do you ever just think "why?" ?
Why am I like I am?
Why have I done the things I've done?
Why did I choose the things I chose?
Why?

They always lead onto questions like "What if?".
What if I'd done that?
What if I'd chosen that?
What if I were more like that?

You always want to know if it'd be better.
You always think that it would be, but want to believe that it wouldn't. You want to believe you did right and that this is the best. The things that are wrong are okay, because they're for the best.

My mum says she doesn't have regrets. I try so hard not to have any... but I fail miserably at it. I have so many regrets...
But Russell turned to me and said "It's not what you get right that matters in life, it's your mistakes. They're what shape you, change you, make you who you are."
So, regret seems silly in a way. Or maybe it's the point? The more you regret something the bigger effect it's had on you and the longer you regret it the longer it effects who you are...?
I don't know.
I try to accept who I am, what I've done... I try not to look back and go "I was so stupid... if only..."
That's the way we learn I guess... by looking back and seeing what we'd change. That's how we learn how to make decisions in the future.

Still, how are we supposed to live in the 'now' if we're thinking about the past and the future all the time?

I don't have any answers at the minute. I just have the questions.
Lots and lots of questions.

I don't think I want the answers to some of them. I want them to remain a mystery.

Anyway, I'm going to sign off now... try and stop questioning everything so much... try and do some work.

I hope you always have more questions than answers and that you enjoy the search.


Blessed Be xx