So sick of it all...

I'm so sick of everything right now.

I mean, really - why does it all crash and burn at the same time??

First off, I'm hoping like hell I have PMT - either that or I'm just turning into a psycho bitch who can't control her emotions. Second, my best friend is getting slated for his blog post because someone (who hasn't read it) had their name in it and a completely different person has decided to print it off and go to the police... that's gonna really piss the police off, because it's petty and not even slanderous... but it's still upsetting my friend. Third (why am I thinking the word 'Hokage' after each of these?), I haven't been kissed since I was pinned in a car and not allowed out till I practically threw myself through the door... Fourth, our house is a fucking tip and I don't have the energy or the enthusiasm to do anything about it. Fifth, I can barely kick myself out of bed these mornings - all I want to do is hide under the quilt till the world goes away. Sixth (still thinking Hokage), I've not attended lectures for over a month. Yeah. Ouch. Seventh, I'm totally out of sync with my best mate again.

I could probably go on. In fact, all I want to do right now is complain about everything.
It all seems so dark and dismal again!
And I am sick to the back teeth of the word FAIL!!! I mean - why do people feel the need to say it? Fail. That's all I do lately, and all anyone says to me (exaggeration there, but shhhh, I'm ranting)!! It's as if there's this whirlpool of failure just sucking at me 24/7 and I can't get out of it!
I have no money. I have no aspiration. I'm running out of hope too!

The thing is, all I want - all I'm craving like an addict - is to be held by someone who loves me. I miss feeling wanted in that way. I kinda managed to fool myself into thinking certain people had those feelings for me - but they turned out to be lust instead. Lust isn't love, and I swear if someone calls me sexy tonight I'm liable to deck them. The violence level has kicked up a notch lately - I reckon it's hormonally induced.
It's like I'm suddenly having to fight myself to be who I want to be. Actually biting my tongue (or kicking myself when I don't), wanting to wash my brain out due to all the stupid innuendo's that keep coming out of my mouth, wanting to just gag myself to stop all the complaining that keeps falling from my lips!

Worst of all I'm having to correct myself constantly.
These little slips keep coming out. Not just the normal "Pancreas/appendix" kinda slip. I mean name slips too...
For instance, when I think "Luke" instead of "Libor"... and then stop in my tracks so fast people must think I've walked into an invisible wall. I hate how much I'm thinking about Luke again too.
I mean, none of it is anything interesting anymore. It's things like the games he'd play, or the little dances he'd do to make people laugh, or the way he walked, or the way he frowned. I'm starting to realise just how much of my life for the past few years has been intertwined with him. No matter how much you want to break from something like that, it's still a huge part of you.

He has a girlfriend now.

Good for him.
Better luck this time - you know?

Makes you think though, doesn't it? When an ex gets with someone new.
It makes you think about whether they compare them to you, and if so what that person has more of (or less of) than you. When he says 'I love you' does he still think of all the times he said it to me? Will there ever be a time when a boy says "I love you" to me and I don't see his face?
The thing I really hope is that she isn't like me. I hope there's nothing that makes him smile about her that I used to do... because that's kinda weird. Like "I used to love you, but it didn't work out, this person is very similar to you - I love them now." Yeah, see how weird that would be? Yeah. That's what I'm scared of.
I don't honestly know the new girl, and with the amount of contact Luke and I have lately I'm not likely to meet her any time soon.

The thing is, I don't have that special someone to snuggle up with and kiss - it's true - but I wouldn't trade what I have for that. It's worth not hearing the words "I love you" or having a kiss goodbye every day just to have what I do.
I may sound delusional, and maybe I am... but that's just the way it is.
I'm not happy at the moment, but the people in my life make everything worth while. I wouldn't give up what I have with any of them for all the money - or all the love - in the world. 'Cause lets face it - that's what happens. You give up your friendships to a huge degree when you get in a relationship. You don't loose the friendship, but it changes. It has to, to allow enough room for the new love...

I kinda dread some of my closest friends getting into relationships (well, not Jodie, because she's so level headed and straight I don't think she'd know how to let go of her friends) because I might loose them a little.
Selfish.

Is it selfish to want more (or less) from someone than they want from you?

I mean, not to want  it, because you can't help your feelings. I mean when you want it in a more 'demanding' or maybe 'open' way? Like, when you try to get that from them?
For instance, is it wrong to try and force a friend not to hug you too much? Is it wrong to be harsh to them in order to make them want less from you? Is it wrong to try and get more hugs from a friend than they want to give?
I reckon there must be a happy balance somewhere in the middle... but I've learnt these past few years that feelings are never a 'balance' between two people who want something different.
If one person wants more, it can go so so so so so so wrong.
Some people are nice and concede to the whims of the person who wants more... but they never really seem to develop much of a 'love' for that person.
Some people are nice and concede to hide their feelings as much as possible... but they never seem to actually get over the feelings.

So what are you supposed to do when a friendship gets to that point?
What is selfish, and what is kind?
What is right and what is wrong?

No one seems to have an answer for it though. We all seem to be struggling in our own ways with this problem in some form (in my social group at least). I think it's just that friendships have this tendency to change... constantly... and we're all trying to get our footing - and failing rather spectacularly at the moment!
The inner workings of a social group always seemed silly to me - the outsider looking in on all these people who couldn't talk about their real feelings because the social politics blah blah blah... it seemed stupid! How could telling the truth be hard?
But now I'm starting to understand that the more people in your friendship circle, the more fragile the connections become. Especially at first. Those bonds can solidify - I don't deny it - but the bigger the group the more mini-divisions there are. The more people the less time you socialise with certain people. The bonds become stronger with some than others... it becomes this complicated web of colours and shades and strengths... and people start tip-toeing around things like 'feelings'.
Actions speak louder than words - but they don't always tell the truth. That's one thing people forget. An action is something spontaneous - where as words are a lot longer to formulate and gel into a coherent thought that people can understand and process. Images speak a thousand words they say - but it's not true, it's just that they say them all at the same time, and we understand without having to be told all of them separately.

So you get to this part of the social network you've built around you (or fallen into as the case may be) where you realise if you say what you want to say it will effect everyone. Not just you. Not just you and the other person. Not just you, the other person, and your closest friends... it's everyone. All those people you spend time with - they'll be effected.
So you affect sincerity, and skirt the issue like a good politician.
The true social butterflies of this world are the real politicians. Never giving too much offence - or fixing it in some either diplomatic or forceful way - never loosing that exterior self.
That's what politics is all about. The mask you wear and the persona you portray.
What's underneath matters only to the very close people you have around you.

What's real isn't what is seen. What is seen can be real (don't get me wrong, I'm not saying we're all liars!!) but it's hardly ever the full truth.
I mean, you can look at some couples, for instance, and think their relationship is perfect (or as near as you can get in life). But you get the reality of it and you find these huge cracks and problems that you'd never imagined. Things you'd never be able to even deal with yourself. Things you couldn't comprehend people staying together through.
Or you can get people who are arrogant, and cocky - so full of themselves you want to hit them round their supposedly perfect little heads and bring them down a notch. You think their lives are so great, and it pisses you off because they're always ramming it down your throat. But you get the reality of it, and there's actually this really insecure person, terrified of failure, or whose life has totally crumbled around them - and instead of crumbling with it, or giving in to the torments of fate, they put on a brave face and pretend they're the best thing since sliced bread.

By the way - what's so great about sliced bread? I get that it's a convenience to buy it sliced and everything... but it's not that amazing, surely? I mean, back then the best thing was surely the power of greyskull or something with moving parts? Like the wheel?
Why do we never say "The best thing since the invention of the wheel!" ??

I suppose there are some things we never know.
Some things that we're never allowed to know - and other things that just can't be known, or understood.

I'm honestly tired of people trying to know everything about other people though.
It seems so pointless.
There's no way to understand a persons every action or reaction.
You'd have to know their entire life... and even then you'd have to know more. You'd have to know what they were feeling, how things made them feel and so forth - and a lot of people wont talk about emotions.... even more can't talk about them honestly.

There's always something of yourself you want to keep to yourself.
That's my belief.
There will never be a person in the world I wont want to keep a little bit of myself from. Because if you give it all away to them, what are you? What's left for you to say "I know my own mind better than you do" ? How can you be validated in anyway if that person can predict everything about you. How can you be a valid human being if there is not a single thing you can hold as your knowledge and yours alone??

I'm rambling far too much.
I should really sleep at nights.
Signing off


Blessed Be xx