The words sting my eyes as I read them. The words of longing, of regret; they make my heart thump out of rhythm as I realise they'll always be for someone else.
She was always the one he wanted, yet she never managed to get him. How? It seems impossible. But the thing that hurts the most is knowing I'll never be as good as her. I'll never be able to make him smile in that way. Never be able to light those emotions, or make him laugh like that...
I remember swimming with them both. Even when they were in the middle of arguing there was that something there, something in that smile, that erased the world and left only them. I don't think either of them saw it then... but it was always there.
I can make him laugh, and smile, and even cry at times... but it'll never be that laugh, or that smile... or even those tears.
Sometimes it hurts.
No, that's a lie. It always hurts. Knowing you can't give someone that love, can't make them happy in that stupidly eternal way. Knowing that nothing you do can ever make it all ok for them. Knowing that they'll never understand that all you want is their happiness.
It doesn't hurt not having the feelings returned. Not for the reasons you think at least. It's not painful because those eyes don't look into mine with the same tenderness that I can't take out of my own eyes... it's because I know that there's no way to make them soar the way just their smile makes me fly.
It's knowing that the boundaries will always be there, keeping you away from their heart. Keeping you from being able to pour that soothing balm into their wounds and kiss everything better.
In truth, it's knowing that you'll never be good enough.
Because no matter how ardently I love and admire him, no matter how hard it is to repress those feelings, they'll never make him happy.
I'll never be the one that brings that happiness back into his eyes.
Sometimes I fool myself that I will.
But it's all in vain.
I'll keep this love caged in the friendship sized box I've forged for it, and hope it doesn't grow too much bigger than it already is.
I'll love him forever, and I'll not speak a word of it again.
Blessed Be xx
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