It's so cold. I know everyone keeps saying it now that the snow is here - and normally I love the cold - but right now, at 4:30 in the morning, while I'm tucked into bed trying to finish my work before the deadline at 12pm it's COLD and I just want to be a little tiny bit warmer so... you know... I could maybe feel my fingers? Would making typing my essay sooooo much easier!
It's stupid that the first, and only real thought I'm having is "It's COLD!!" I mean, I'm a winter baby - I go out in the snow in just a t-shirt and jeans and am quite comfortable. I go swimming in the river at 3am in November and am so happy about it (though admittedly the feeling in my feet does have a tendency to disappear...) So why do I need to complain that it's cold right now?
It doesn't make all that much sense.
I guess part of it is to do with missing sharing a bed these days. I mean, sharing a single bed under a double duvet gets roasty toasty warm (and is pretty darn unbearable for someone like me in the summer) - so when it gets cold in my gigantic double bed lately I have a tendency to crave a body to snuggle up to and get warm. I could do with a human sized hot-water-bottle at times... then I could kick it out of bed when I got too warm instead of move carefully away from someone while trying not to wake them up. Something I've probably had far too much practice at in all fairness.
I don't know what it is lately that's made me feel so lonely at nights. Maybe it's because I'm spending practically every waking moment with at least one of my friends. Maybe it's because I've finally stopped having a 'partner'. Maybe it's because everything I see lately is about love... I don't really know. All I know is that I always said this bed was two big for just me, and now I'm wishing I'd been wrong.
Luckily I have an awesome friend who lets me sneak into his bed when it gets too much to face. He puts up with my weird 'overheating' sleeping habits of snuggling too close when cold and moving away to basically hug the wall when warm. How on earth he sleeps at all when I steal his bed I don't know - come to think of it I'm not sure he does sleep those nights. Poor, sweet guy. I'll pay him back in bacon.
Well, I haven't posted a blog in a while (for me at least) mainly because I wrote one and then deliberated for about a week as to whether to post it or not. So far it's deemed as too personal, but you never know what this crazy lady might post - so you might get (un)lucky and stumble across it later. This one is only being written because I'm cold and supposed to be writing an essay... well, that and I just read my friend Jodie's blog and got thinking about loneliness and love and friendships. See, there was this diary entry I wrote years ago (before I knew my now bestfriend) and what she said just really reminded me of it; and since I'm in a procrastinating mood I've dug it out to share it with you:
" I expect to find out it's all fake sometimes. The feelings, the words, the love. I'm scared it's not real. I'm so scared of it falling out under my feet. Sometimes the idea of this ever ending seems stupid though.
Like on the bus home today as I curled up next to Luke thinking about soulmates. I realised that there are some people you just recognise in your soul. Some of those people live close, others further away than seems possible.
You fall inlove with one or even two of these people, and they become the one you call 'soulmate'; the others become the best friends you will ever have, and stay with you forever - if only in your heart.
There are some people who come into your lives for better, others for worse, but all of them make you who you are. "
It's hard to look back and remember that realisation sometimes. Hard to be able to separate the types of love without separating the depths of feelings. I guess because I found someone who I have deeper feelings for than anyone I've ever known, who I respect and care for in ways that leave words empty and hollow. The feelings that don't seem able to stop growing continue to surprise me day after day.
You see, you fall in-love with a person and you think "omigosh, this is the most you could possibly ever love someone!"... then you find someone that you connect with on such a deep level and the feelings you have for them grow exponentially until you're sure they'll peter off... but they don't. Okay, they don't grow at the same rate, they start to creep along in this gentle way that makes the progress almost unnoticeable, but it still keeps going. Even after you think your heart will break, or collapse, or explode with the amount of love you have for that person it keeps getting bigger. The feelings you have for the person you were inlove with don't go away though, it's more like they seem insignificant by comparison. How can you be inlove with one person when you love another so much more? Surely you were mistaken the first time.
But the truth is, you weren't mistaken. You really did love that person more than the world... it's just that you found a person you recognised more. A person who you loved more than the universe. The comparison makes it hard to remember you aren't inlove with this new person at times though. Or maybe you are in love... who knows? Show me the difference between the two that isn't purely lust, and I'll show you soulmates that aren't inlove.
Oh, I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. I'm so wrapped up in an analogy of an analogy that I've snared myself in an enigma!
See, this is the real problem with writing a blog after submerging oneself in feminism for too many hours this early in the morning. You begin to loose a grip on the boundaries between love, desire, sex and gender. You start to think so theoretically that every honest feeling is obscured (even from yourself) in layers of intertextuality and theories of phallogocentrism or patriarchy. After all, the only reason we believe in soul mates is because patriarchy dictates there is a man out there for you with whom you should settle down and have children who we can further indoctrinate... oh dear, I've been at it too long.
Also, you start referring to yourself as 'you' as if you're some kind of plural audience... though what with my split personalities I probably do make up a large majority of my own audience, so that's okay.
Did I mention it's cold?
I'm afraid I've caught a cold lately as well. I'm going to be great at filming tomorrow - sleep deprived and full of a cold... best not give me the boom mic, no one will want to talk in case I come to close to them with the fluffy thing and my cough.
I have lots of congratulations to be giving out too - because if you can't give a shout out on your blog, you must be living in some kind of 'BigBrother' state (the controlling kind, not the terrible reality TV kind).
Big congratulations to my big sister - now expecting her fifth baby ^_^ hope this pregnancy goes better than the last 4!!
Huge ma-hu-sive congratulations to Libor for getting an interview for St Georges in London. Soon be Dr. Hurt now!!
Also congrats to Li for landing his own radio show (after a whole 2hours of broadcasting - jammy devil!)
Belated congratulations to Kevin for getting Head of Marketing - though we all kinda knew he would... best man for the job if you ask me (which no one did, but hey)
Oh, and a big shout out to Dan who is definitely on the road to recovery. Much love to you hun.
Well, this has been the most Un-Lauren blog I've written so far... but oh well!
I'm gonna end this little ramble with some thoughts on a conversation I had with Jodie. We were talking about innocence and what makes a person innocent or pure.
There comes a point in your life where you have to look at yourself and go "yeah, I'm totally not innocent anymore..." and decide whether it was worth it or not, and whether it's a good thing or not. I'd like to say this perspective comes with age, but for some people they don't loose that innocence for a long time, and for others it evaporates at a young age. So while a lot of people get to 20 and can go "purity? lost that ages ago!" not everyone can.
But what do we mean by innocence or purity?
Is it linked with virginity? If so, does that mean a persons personality changes dramatically after their first sexual experience?
We couldn't decide on what either really meant, though I ended up with the idea that to be innocent or pure you have to be 'blameless'. I mean, looking at the law, you're innocent until proven guilty, but you have to be 'not-guilty' (aka blameless) in order to be innocent. You don't even plead innocent in this country; you plead not-guilty. Does that mean Americans (who plead innocent) believe the word to mean simply not-guilty? Does it mean someone who is on trial can be truly innocent?
What do we mean by blameless though? Blameless of what? Or in what case? Pertaining to what??
I think in my mind purity is to do with being blameless of bad thoughts. In other words never wishing anyone harm, never having particularly perverted ideas... basically never thinking about sex or violence. It's a form of naivety that I think we all loose pretty early on in life (basically when we learn about the birds and the bees, or when we start being able to hate). Innocence is to do with being blameless of bad actions. So, not hurting people (though play fighting and accidents aren't to be included in this), not being too rude, not being overtly sexual - or at least not being inappropriately sexual - basically acting in a goody-goody moral way. Not many people get to be 20 and can honestly claim this one either. So what's the point in deciding on these premises?
Do being either pure or innocent have any bearing on our lives?
Well... no. They don't.
I'm a firm believer that what counts, and what matters, is who you are and how you act NOW. Not who you were, not what you've done, not where you come from. Your past helps shape you, true, but it doesn't make you who you are. What makes you who you are is how you reflect on your past - on what you deem to be good or bad and how you react. For instance, if in the past you robbed someone, the action doesn't matter anymore so much as what you do now and what you think; so if you think it was fine and continue to rob people that makes you a bad person. If you regret doing it and are always honest now because of it, that makes you a good person. It is our decisions now that matter, our reflections on our actions and the actions of others, and the actions they dictate, that show who you are.
The past may have influenced the present, but it doesn't dictate the future.
I suppose that's why religion doesn't wash with me.
Religion is about being good in order to be rewarded in some kind of afterlife.
It's all about saying that things that happened Milena ago (such as the prophet Muhammad delivering the word of God, Christ dying for our sins, Buddha sitting and working out the world etc) are more important that what's going on now. It's about believing that there's something more than this life that is more important that who we are now and the lives we interact with everyday.
Okay, so my main beef with religion is about there being some infinite being of perfection that is more important than the people I love and care about. A being that knows everything, that is all powerful, that is all present... yet who really really wants me to believe in and 'commune' with it.
And don't get me started on the concept of souls.
Save my eternal soul?? Sure, just as soon as you can explain to me a) what it is b) what it needs saving from c) how you intend to do that, and c) how this isn't a control mechanism - without resorting to the terms 'Hell', 'Grace', or 'Soul' unless you're defining them...
Sorry - mini rant there. I guess I like people to be up front and honest with me, and all religion does is hide behind its own mask of indistinct vocabulary and imagery.
My teacher once said that 'Describing God is like trying to nail jelly to the wall' (D.J. Haslam) and he was right. The subject is so slippery - and purposefully so! - that you're never allowed to understand what anyone means by the word! How can I worship something no one can explain to me? Am I to worship it purely because I don't understand?? Then surely I should worship the super strings of physics too - because I don't understand them either...
How did this get to religion?
I don't know - perhaps I should shush now and get back to copying up this dissertation chapter. Imelda gave me an extension... so why oh why did I let myself get distracted and not do it before now?
I'm terrible when it comes to my degree. I'd much rather organise everyone at DemonTV, or help out at DemonFM.
Hopefully next year I'll have a third-rate job to tide me over while I focus on things that matter to me instead of this forced learning. I mean, I'd write reviews for a paper or something... but me and deadlines aren't friends all of the time, I'd be scared of letting people down.
I mean, it'd be awesome to move in with my best mate next year, get a job in whatever city we ended up in and spend my spare time writing stories and recording my music. Though in all honesty I'd be wanting to save up constantly so that I could afford an MA and then a PHD... then start over with Maths maybe... or physics.... maybe even Law. Law could be fun. Thing is, right now all I know about my future is that a) I can't afford an MA next year, and b) I don't wanna be away from my best friend for more than the few months of summer.
I suppose the only things holding me back are my nieces wanting to spend more time with me, and not knowing if I'd be wanted in a student house next year.
Oh well, time will tell.
Till next time,
Blessed Be xx
No comments:
Post a Comment