So, lately I've been feeling a bit crazy... and I may have worked out why...
Over the last week or three many of my friends have been filming for their final year projects, attempting to get as much footage as possible then spending days (and nights) at a time in our Queens Building editing until their brains practically collapsed inwards on themselves while a final file failed to export...
How does this affect me?
Well, several of them required assistance (holding equipment, doing make-up, acting, running around screaming... well, not the last one, but you get the idea) and so, being the non-media-production student I am, and not needing to do my own filming, I offered to help them out.
But what's that got to do with being crazy?
Well!! One friend needed a couple of people to act out a love-story type thing. Naturally, Libor and I were asked to do it. I say naturally - that boy can be coupley with anyone and so can I... but people seem to think of us as some odd couple lately (I guess cause Kaydee isn't around often enough for them to see it's a total three way relationship... without the relationship part... yeah, it's complicated) so there you go. Me and Li, on-screen couple.
Now, there's all sorts of reasons that could theoretically have aided my insanity... but there's more - so much more.
The thing with this film was that - though we started out as the perfect couple, something was to go dreadfully wrong. Cue the scary music.
No, he doesn't cheat on me; no, I don't lower his CoD stats or refuse to make him a sandwich... worse - far worse. While I go to the shop for chocolate surprises, he gets stabbed...
Naturally, I'm devastated...
Now, this would be fine. I can pretend to be insane without actually going insane...
But I didn't stop there - oh no! I decided that what we really needed was some props!
So here we have some of the 'props' that I made. They're mostly just scribblings of repeated phrases like "bring him back" and so forth. The only thing is... I wrote a majority of them while sat in the pub...
This is the remains of a glass that we smashed against the wall. It's also the broken glass that we used as a prop to 'kill Libor' with (hence the blood splattering)...
... it's also the broken glass I used to cut my finger open and draw on the bed with... but that was after smashing it and leaving a beautiful dent mark - as well as a red line of fake blood - in my wall. I really hope I don't get charged for that tbh...
... I haven't thrown it away yet, and I'm not sure why...
...lazy? Me?... naw...
So I went a bit nuts - and am only just getting my room back to some kind of normal. And I think that's what's been pushing me over the edge...
... what you can't see is the white chalk on all my other walls... it doesn't show well on the photo's (see right)
However, a majority of my walls now have some kind of mad scribbling on them.
Now, waking up to that - when you're already kinda unstable - isn't the best of things to do. However, I've been so bogged down with revision for my exam that I've not had time to do more than tidy up the glass and other far-flung items. Which means that I haven't been able to do more than hide the writings behind stuff like my mirror for a few days.
Can you say crazy?
Now the exam is over, I plan on scrubbing the walls clean. It's not just because I'm going insane reading and re-reading my own insane scribblings, it's because I just want this place to be really clean now.
Though, I have to say; the insanity people display by writing on the walls isn't just impounded by the action itself, it's perpetuated by it. I can see that now. The jagged, incoherent words that they surround themselves with acts as a manifestation of their own inner conflict; but instead of removing it from themselves, they only deepen it - allowing it to be cultivated and harboured deeper inside them.
I have to say - if I could recommend one thing to anyone feeling a bit crazy it would be this:
Don't write on your walls - not only is it a pain to clean off, you normally scrape your fingers and hurt them too.
So, that's been my week of madness.
It's been interspersed with constant revision... and by constant I mean several all-nighters pulled both in the library and at home. I was revising up to the second I left the house to go to the exam - and I still feel like I didn't remember any of it.
Fingers crossed I didn't mess up too badly.
Though for some reason, while writing my timed essay in the second half of the exam, I double spaced my entire writing. It was the only way I could concentrate. I'm starting to think that I've written too many essays double spaced in the past - it's as if it's the only way that I can write in continuous prose (unless I'm rambling in a blog of course).
I've also had an awesome cough over the past two weeks.
By awesome, I mean that it sounds as if my entire lung is attempting to force its way out of my throat at times... but all that comes up is (okay... tmi... shutting up!)
No blood though - so it's all okay really.
Now that my exam is over, I'm able to sit back and realise it's the end of term.
Easter time.
My best friend has already left for home. My niece actually asked me today if I was coming home now - which kinda choked me up a little - but I have so much stuff to sort out here first (like my room) and I really want to get a big chunk of my dissertation done ASAP - since it's due in so very very soon.
I'm disappointed in my own poor work efforts this year.
I honestly didn't realise the depression was back in full force - but oh well, nothing left to do now but try and salvage a grade that isn't just a fail (or just a pass - which to me would be kinda failing... since I'm apparently supposed to be getting a first). I think the thing I'm most worried about is what everyone's going to think.
Check me out - the girl who doesn't care about anyone opinion but her own getting worried about what other people will think.
I mean, I can just see it now - the disappointment.
I'll be the first person in my immediate family to finish a degree... I should make it count. I should make it the best degree I can do... not some lame ass - half hearted - lack of attempt that gets me a piece of paper that says "could have done better" at the end of it.
I'm worried my tutors will shake their heads and talk about my 'potential'.
I'm worried my friends will go - Awww, no! Really? that sucks! I suppose it's understandable though...
Too late to worry now though. I'm going to graduate in 3 months time.
Me. Graduate. It seems wrong some how. Like I haven't earned it. Like I haven't done any work. Like it's false, or fake...
Yeah, it's getting me down that I've done so badly this year. I looked over my notes for revision and my first few weeks worth were immaculate. They were in-depth, clear, highlighted... they had notes for extra reading... notes from extra reading... then after a couple weeks it just stops. No more notes. No more anything. I didn't even read the texts.
I suppose my down fall this year was the reading. I just couldn't read the books. Not just read them in time, I just couldn't get myself to actually turn the pages and absorb the information.
Now it's a race against the clock to try and get the minimum done and make it look like more.
I'm not sure why the crazy post turned into one about work. I guess it's on my mind a lot right now.
Either way, there's now a box of chalk sat here, and I'm determined to make everyone sign part of my wall at some point. I'll probably wash my walls then get everyone in to re-decorate them...
... then get bored of it again and wash it all off again!!
Yeah, I'm like that. Not in-decisive; oh no, I'm very decisive -just not particularly consistent...
Anyway, I'm going to finish up here and get some well deserved R&R for the night (before starting with the work again in the morning)
Blessed Be xx
Over the last week or three many of my friends have been filming for their final year projects, attempting to get as much footage as possible then spending days (and nights) at a time in our Queens Building editing until their brains practically collapsed inwards on themselves while a final file failed to export...
How does this affect me?
Well, several of them required assistance (holding equipment, doing make-up, acting, running around screaming... well, not the last one, but you get the idea) and so, being the non-media-production student I am, and not needing to do my own filming, I offered to help them out.
But what's that got to do with being crazy?
Well!! One friend needed a couple of people to act out a love-story type thing. Naturally, Libor and I were asked to do it. I say naturally - that boy can be coupley with anyone and so can I... but people seem to think of us as some odd couple lately (I guess cause Kaydee isn't around often enough for them to see it's a total three way relationship... without the relationship part... yeah, it's complicated) so there you go. Me and Li, on-screen couple.
 |
| Libor and me singing in the park - happy couple scene 1 |
Now, there's all sorts of reasons that could theoretically have aided my insanity... but there's more - so much more.
The thing with this film was that - though we started out as the perfect couple, something was to go dreadfully wrong. Cue the scary music.
No, he doesn't cheat on me; no, I don't lower his CoD stats or refuse to make him a sandwich... worse - far worse. While I go to the shop for chocolate surprises, he gets stabbed...
 |
| Dead Libor - stabbed through the chest with a broken glass |
 |
| I mean, just look at all the blood still on my mattress from where he died!! |
...and naturally I go insane...
 |
... for instance, drawing in my own blood on the mattress next to his 'blood stain'... of course, on this photo you can see the clear distinction between my dried blood (brown heart) and the still vivid red of the ink that we used as fake blood on Li. Yeah - because of the black sheets I never thought about the white mattress underneath would be just as soaked with the ink...
... yeaaah, that's pretty darn permanent now... whoops.
But I didn't stop there - oh no! I decided that what we really needed was some props!
 |
| my crazy writings |
Note to self: Best way to make people think you're crazy - write in the pub...
I don't think you even have to be writing anything as insane as this stuff (which, yes, includes a detailed explanation of how to perform a ritual sacrifice in order to bring a beloved back from the dead...) you just have to do something other than laugh, smoke, drink, talk or watch the TV... it's something to do with social norms I guess - but I was breaking a majority of them. People laughed it off thankfully. I suppose it helped having a friend there, reading it as I went along and laughing saying I looked crazy.
That's not what's sent me mad(er) either though.
No, no, no!
Then you take a look at what we did to my room...
 |
We wrote all over my walls in chalk. Mostly using the phrases that I'd coined in the scribbled writings further up, and writing the title of the film in the centre of the wall. One of the scribblings is part of a line from a song that I actually wrote for Li last year... so maybe it's a bit personal in its craziness...
 |
| Sound of broken glass anyone? |
... it's also the broken glass I used to cut my finger open and draw on the bed with... but that was after smashing it and leaving a beautiful dent mark - as well as a red line of fake blood - in my wall. I really hope I don't get charged for that tbh...
... I haven't thrown it away yet, and I'm not sure why...
...lazy? Me?... naw...
So I went a bit nuts - and am only just getting my room back to some kind of normal. And I think that's what's been pushing me over the edge...
 |
| "Crazy? Me?? Nah... Ok maybe a little" |
However, a majority of my walls now have some kind of mad scribbling on them.
Now, waking up to that - when you're already kinda unstable - isn't the best of things to do. However, I've been so bogged down with revision for my exam that I've not had time to do more than tidy up the glass and other far-flung items. Which means that I haven't been able to do more than hide the writings behind stuff like my mirror for a few days.
Can you say crazy?
 |
"Loving you is like breathing; I can't live without it, and I can't stop it for long - but sometimes it can really hurt... ... it also doesn't require you to love me back - - that would just be nice" |
Though, I have to say; the insanity people display by writing on the walls isn't just impounded by the action itself, it's perpetuated by it. I can see that now. The jagged, incoherent words that they surround themselves with acts as a manifestation of their own inner conflict; but instead of removing it from themselves, they only deepen it - allowing it to be cultivated and harboured deeper inside them.
I have to say - if I could recommend one thing to anyone feeling a bit crazy it would be this:
Don't write on your walls - not only is it a pain to clean off, you normally scrape your fingers and hurt them too.
So, that's been my week of madness.
It's been interspersed with constant revision... and by constant I mean several all-nighters pulled both in the library and at home. I was revising up to the second I left the house to go to the exam - and I still feel like I didn't remember any of it.
Fingers crossed I didn't mess up too badly.
Though for some reason, while writing my timed essay in the second half of the exam, I double spaced my entire writing. It was the only way I could concentrate. I'm starting to think that I've written too many essays double spaced in the past - it's as if it's the only way that I can write in continuous prose (unless I'm rambling in a blog of course).
I've also had an awesome cough over the past two weeks.
By awesome, I mean that it sounds as if my entire lung is attempting to force its way out of my throat at times... but all that comes up is (okay... tmi... shutting up!)
No blood though - so it's all okay really.
Now that my exam is over, I'm able to sit back and realise it's the end of term.
Easter time.
My best friend has already left for home. My niece actually asked me today if I was coming home now - which kinda choked me up a little - but I have so much stuff to sort out here first (like my room) and I really want to get a big chunk of my dissertation done ASAP - since it's due in so very very soon.
I'm disappointed in my own poor work efforts this year.
I honestly didn't realise the depression was back in full force - but oh well, nothing left to do now but try and salvage a grade that isn't just a fail (or just a pass - which to me would be kinda failing... since I'm apparently supposed to be getting a first). I think the thing I'm most worried about is what everyone's going to think.
Check me out - the girl who doesn't care about anyone opinion but her own getting worried about what other people will think.
I mean, I can just see it now - the disappointment.
I'll be the first person in my immediate family to finish a degree... I should make it count. I should make it the best degree I can do... not some lame ass - half hearted - lack of attempt that gets me a piece of paper that says "could have done better" at the end of it.
I'm worried my tutors will shake their heads and talk about my 'potential'.
I'm worried my friends will go - Awww, no! Really? that sucks! I suppose it's understandable though...
Too late to worry now though. I'm going to graduate in 3 months time.
Me. Graduate. It seems wrong some how. Like I haven't earned it. Like I haven't done any work. Like it's false, or fake...
Yeah, it's getting me down that I've done so badly this year. I looked over my notes for revision and my first few weeks worth were immaculate. They were in-depth, clear, highlighted... they had notes for extra reading... notes from extra reading... then after a couple weeks it just stops. No more notes. No more anything. I didn't even read the texts.
I suppose my down fall this year was the reading. I just couldn't read the books. Not just read them in time, I just couldn't get myself to actually turn the pages and absorb the information.
Now it's a race against the clock to try and get the minimum done and make it look like more.
I'm not sure why the crazy post turned into one about work. I guess it's on my mind a lot right now.
Either way, there's now a box of chalk sat here, and I'm determined to make everyone sign part of my wall at some point. I'll probably wash my walls then get everyone in to re-decorate them...
... then get bored of it again and wash it all off again!!
Yeah, I'm like that. Not in-decisive; oh no, I'm very decisive -just not particularly consistent...
Anyway, I'm going to finish up here and get some well deserved R&R for the night (before starting with the work again in the morning)
Blessed Be xx
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